Were you “tiger” parented? How do you think it turned out for you?

[User37482]

Just wondering how people who were actually tiger parented actually feel about how they were parented? Have you done the same for your own children?

Er as in we would take our time so she could slowly sound out letters and the more time we spent on it the less time she had for other things she wanted to do. Y’know like painting and play doh. LOL I didn’t mean she was spending an hour doing it! She was at nursery, 10-15 minutes was a long time to her.

I think my mum saw herself as a bit of a tiger mum, but it manifested itself in really damaging behaviour. She certainly had very high expectations of us academically, to the exclusion of all else (no sport, no extracurriculars, no hobbies).

She’d stand over me and dictate 8 pages of geography homework when we’d been asked for one page (I remember crying during this and then being completely mortified at handing it in in front of my peers, age 13-14). Same with art homework - we were set a project and she found what she deemed to be a suitable thing to make online, so I had to make that - zero creativity, zero learning on my part, but at least I handed in a mum-approved piece of work 🤨

When I got older, I applied to Cambridge and didn’t get in. Before I was even rejected, on the day I got back from the interview, she was crying in bed about how she knew I’d deliberately failed the interview. I then got ‘pooled’ (i.e. my application was offered out to other colleges) and ultimately rejected, but she still regards me being pooled as a great achievement in my life.

I’m 30, with a first-class honours from a top 10 uni, a distinction in my MA, and a qualified teacher, but when she found out I was applying for a new job, she said ‘don’t forget to tell them you were pooled by Cambridge’.

She really started acting up when I started teacher training, and I remember her saying ‘we all know you’ll be a headteacher in no time’. I’ve never ever expressed an interest in becoming a headteacher and it wouldn’t suit me at all - you could tell that if you met me for 30 seconds, if not less. It was all about how it reflected on her, and always has been.

I think this pressure on children and YA can be really damaging. They need to be nurtured, to find their own interests, etc. I want to do things very differently with my own DC.

My parents had very high expectations of me to the point that nothing was ever good enough. If I got 99% they would fixate on why not 100%. If I did get 100% they would say the test must have been too easy.
I got very good results and have a first from Oxford. My parents take complete credit for these results and seem to think my involvement in achieving them was zero. Of course they complained that my GCSEs were not straight As (I had 7 As and 2 not).

I was left with zero self confidence and suffered frequent panic attacks due to the worry about things not perfect. I've manage to overcome these somewhat through therapy and other strategies. However I make sure to tell my children that "good enough" is actually good enough. Exam results can be improved upon much more easily than rebuilding your mental health.

I'm interested to know if those who suffered similar upbringings now get on with their parents? My parents have continued to be critical, both to their children and their grandchildren and I eventually decided to go no contact because I couldn't cope with it any more. One of the drivers was realising that their expectations were entirely unrealistic. For example, they think that women should not work but should devote their lives to their children. So they constantly make digs at the fact that I work. But, they also think that I must be earning a huge salary or I am a failure. So they criticise that as well.

This is me. 12 As at O-level, 2 As in AO level. And one C in fucking Latin. Guess what results day was all about.

Reading - school books + her home reading
comprehension- because school are working on that too
spelling - set by school
handwriting- thats me
maths - me but nursery teacher suggested she practice her maths characters so the actual math is easy for her and the effort there is not on math I thought she’d prefer it to writing out “2” over and over again.

So a chunk of that is actually school led.

I'm interested to know if those who suffered similar upbringings now get on with their parents

No, not at all. My childhood and actually into my adulthood has been all about my mum’s expectations for me and for our relationship. Apparently it’s my fault we’re not close and ‘normal daughters would…’

Sorry you’ve had to deal with similar. It had a profound impact on my self esteem too. I really sympathise, it’s hard to unpick when you’ve grown up this way.

Can’t help but to think many of the parents here sound narcissistic. I know people think the word is thrown around too much, but taking credit for your child’s achievements, withholding choice, exerting extreme levels of control. It sounds like dehumanisation and depersonalisation.

There's a lot of research on parenting, separating all types into 4 categories: authoritarian (including tiger parenting), neglectful (what you describe as your own childhood), permissive (what "gentle parenting" often ends up as) and authoritative (the original purpose of gentle parenting.) Authoritative parents have high expectations but are democratic and warm. That sounds like what you're doing in terms of attitude.

Regarding the actual content, I'm less convinced.

At 4, her handwriting is not likely to be great. In most cases, their bones are not developed enough to write. You can keep making her practise handwriting but if her bones aren't ready, she won't get much better. There are so many useful activities she could be doing to get her fine motor skills working- craft kits, jewellery making, painting, sticker books, playdough. It sounds like you already do some of those things, so I'd dial back the handwriting practise and do more of that.

Reading is great, as long as it's not becoming a chore, do as much as you can.

Worksheets and comprehension I'm a bit baffled by for a 4 year old. You would be very unlikely to see any worksheets in a reception classroom as they're not really appropriate for that age. You also mention that the ones she is doing aren't challenging so what's the point of them? It sounds like she's getting a dopamine hit from easily whizzing through them and getting the "right" answer, which is teaching her that the point of learning is to get it right, and to please an adult, not wanting to achieve something, getting frustrated, failing, trying again, problem solving, and reaching your goal.

And 6 extra-curriculars a week...at 4?

What I'm seeing isn't necessarily tiger parenting, but just a very adult-led childhood. Overscheduling doesn't always happen because you're pushy, you're just enthusiastic and want her to try a lot of things, but it's too much. Even if her school day is only 5 hours rather than a UK 6 hour day, that's 25 school hours + 6 hrs extra-curriculars + 3.5 hrs "home learning", which is 34.5 hrs a week of adult-guided "work." She's not learning the skills of directing her own learning and finding her own passions.

Some of this reminds me of cult psychology. Breaking down a persons character, high levels of control, curtailing choice, withholding of approval and affection as punishment. demands for high levels of personal loyalty minus the chairsma.

It’s actually shocking what the long term impacts of this parenting style is.

Btw I've just read my last post back and it reads more critical than I meant. You clearly love her a lot. It's normal for a child who experienced neglect to want to fill their child's world up with love and activities. Just don't forget to step back and let her just be 4, on her own terms. Working out what those terms are for herself takes a surprisingly large amount of time.

Every time you post I just get a sense you are a tiger mum putting "extra" stuff on your child she doesn't need right now.
There's so much focus on it that is is clear you are tiger parenting her.

"Tiger parenting" as such wasn't a thing when I grew up in the 70s but my mother definitely had some of those traits.
My mother had always wanted to go to university but being a wartime family they couldn't afford it. My older sister wasn't academic so all her hopes were pinned on me. I wasn't allowed to choose my own school subjects and had to train as a teacher as that's what my mother wanted to do. I was also fairly good on the violin but there was always someone better which my mother couldn't accept. I was always asked "Why aren't you leader of the orchestra" or "Why didn't you get to play that solo" etc etc

It made me bitterly resent her as I grew up and made sure I parented my children completely opposite to her.

What I'm seeing isn't necessarily tiger parenting, but just a very adult-led childhood. Overscheduling doesn't always happen because you're pushy, you're just enthusiastic and want her to try a lot of things, but it's too much.

Yes. This.

Thank you for your very constructive feedback (I mean that genuinely!).

We live in a very hot country, outside play is very limited due to the weather and I don’t have a garden. She’s a very active kid so we do a lot of sports type things to give her a chance to move. If I could just take her to a park for a run around I would have definitely chosen this a few days a week. We also do softplay a lot etc where she usually disappears off to do her own thing. When the weather is good she has her bike for the weekends. We do have our own games too, we play bouncy ball tennis in our hallway for example.

The point of the maths is to get her practicing writing numbers as suggested by her teacher. But I take on board the adult led ,problem solving aspect, it’s something I’ve been thinking about myself as well. I’m not sure what to do about that. The sheets will progress in difficulty anyway and I think her teacher wants her practicing. But will have a chat with them about the handwriting.

She does play a few games that involve problem solving independently but she basically completed the main two she liked a year ago (little red riding hood, three little pigs puzzle games, don’t know if you are familiar with them). And I haven’t got around to find something else for her to do. She hates lego, has loads of it so thats a non starter. She has a game which she enjoys which involves trying to fit shapes into a grid. She likes to play that in the kitchen when I’m cooking. She’s learnt to play draughts and Dh is teaching her how to play chess atm. I will think on that thank you.

Otherwise she is often sticking stuff together, cutting things up (she has a craft table, with different writing, colouring, painting materials, coloured paper glue etc as well as crafty bits, ribbon, those fluffy round balls, glitter, twine) etc. I don’t interfere with that unless she asks for help with something. She does do beading (I actually find that quite relaxing so we’ll sit on the floor together and just bead sometimes) and she has loads of sticker books.

No not at all, my DD means the world to me, I’ll take everything constructively. I had a miserable childhood, I don’t want that for her. I want to be an encouraging, supportive parent who she trusts I don’t want her to ever think my love for her is contingent on her “doing” as opposed to “being”.

I actually don’t agree, tiger parenting seems to involve being pretty horrible to your kids and telling them they are failing or haven’t done well enough for your standards. I really don’t do that. I’d agree she does a lot in comparison to a lot of kids her age.

It must be in the back of your mind considering your thread title.

It sounds like she does more than is really necessary or maybe developmentally appropriate. As a PP said, her handwriting will get better with age and she’s not physically ready for it yet. From what you’ve written, it sounds like too much ‘structured’/formal stuff for a 4yo when they’d get a lot more from free or imaginative play?

There was an article in The Times recently from an academic who claimed that 30% of students at Russell Group universities are claiming anxiety disorders that mean the can't attend lectures, can't take the pressure of deadlines and can't cope with jobs. I will say he was ' anonymous' so could be exaggerating, but kids at Russell group unis presumably have to have extremely high grades, so they aren't the usual ' shouldn't be at University' cohort usually criticised as ' snowflakes' in the press. I do wonder how many of those 18 year olds were Tiger parented, made to do constant activities etc for their ucas statements from the age of 4, kumon, tutoring throughout school etc then get to University away from the constant pressure of parents looking over them and just can't cope with independent study or are simply burned out from years of high pressure.

@Ozanj interested to hear your experience of Kumon for a 4yr old. I did Kumon when I was in secondary school just for maths and I think it helped with the fundamentals. My reception aged child can't yet read or write and I'm keen to let her enjoy school / get settled in but I also feel the school is not going to be able to stretch her to her full potential (state 30 in the class etc)

OP, with regards to reading, the most important thing you can do at this age is encourage love of reading. If your child is reading 2 or 3 years ahead of expected levels, she doesn't need more time spent trying to decode hard texts (that she may or may not understand). Encourage her to read what she wants - even if it's very easy books or the back of the cornflake packet. Read to her a lot yourself - maybe ask her to try to read the odd sentence, but the aim is to share your love of reading with her.

I would worry that too much time spent on "hard" reading (and at 4, more than about 5 minutes is a "lot") is actually making reading into a chore when it should be a pleasure.

My parents were incredibly strict and allowed me almost no time to do anything other than study or work for them around the house.

On weekends, they would set me so many chores that it averaged around 10 hours, including a break for lunch. They thought it did me good, because it kept me from "roaming the streets" (their words) and getting into trouble.

I had my own bedroom, but no privacy - it was inspected frequently and left "turned over" - like after the police have raided on TV. It would be my job to "tidy" it back up again. I had to keep my room spotlessly clean and free from clutter or pointless ("distracting") objects. I mention this because the lack of privacy was probably the thing that upset me the most,

My mum was actively against fashion, but this was probably the area I pushed hardest against. I would alter the fashion-bleak things she bought me to make them better. I had a hand sewing kit and a lot of fabric markers.

I had younger siblings who were (it seemed to my kid-brain) worshipped like deities.

Into adulthood, I am left with the distinct impression that neither of my parents ever loved me, at all. I try to reassure myself daily that love isn't usually conditional. I know it isn't, because I never withdraw love from my children simply because they have annoyed me. However, I still go to pieces during any disagreement with my husband, because I can't seem to let go of the idea that he could switch his love off.

The impact of my upbringing is that I am intensely private, I upset easily, and I don't like to talk about it. I am also quite successful, on paper. I went to a good university and I have a good job / nice house / nice family. My parents see this as "mission accomplished".

I like to have nice things and I feel nice when I buy them. I sort of hate this materialistic side to myself. I have hundreds of designer dresses. I'm actually ashamed when people call me out on it and say things like "I never see you in the same dress twice" etc.

My "perfect life" is like some kind of sham though, because inside I'm still the 12yo girl who cried herself to sleep almost every night.

Maybe not tiger parenting so much as simply abusive. But, nonetheless, food for thought. Don't smother your kids.

This resonates with me. I want my children to find their own level without me pushing them or doing loads of extra stuff in their spare time. I was a high academic achiever at school but I did it off my own back. I bought the syllabuses and was meticulous about making sure I learnt everything. I remember making up rigorous revision timetables for myself. My parents were not tiger parents in any way. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend what I did to anybody else - it was my way but I wouldn’t say it made me particularly happy.

I take my 4 year old to the library and read to her. We have done some simple adding / subtraction. We do basic crafts. Unless she needs particular help / support in some areas I don’t intend to push her with extra learning outside school. Perhaps in 20 years she will think I didn’t push her enough. Who knows? I’m just going to do the best I can - knowing that high academic results aren’t everything. If I could push her in any way it would be towards being happy and not worrying too much.

EDIT: this was supposed to be a reply to the post by @MarginallyBetter on page 1 of the thread. Somehow it didn’t paste the original quote.

We have high expectations for DS7 academically and in extracurriculars/sports. He does stretch math 2x a week (though school and private group), he does homework every day (on the weekends too) if there is not enough assigned from school, I give him extra (spelling tests, reasoning books etc…). He reads whatever books he wants (lots of comics now) and I will read a more challenging book to him at bedtime.

We try to make learning fun and praise effort and curiosity. I take an interest in what he interested in and what he wants to talk about. I tell him that the things I love about him are his big generous heart, his sense of humour, his kindness to his friends and his gorgeous smile. I tell him I miss him on the days that I do and that I love him every day.

We have high expectations for him and the resources to support whatever he wants to do. But, as a mom, I first want him really to develop that inner confidence and unshakable self love/respect that will will carry him through the world. This will come from a stable, loving home with engaged and present parents. We never, ever shame him for not understanding something, taking him time to do something, or making numerous mistake while learning.

I also don’t over schedule him. He has 2 key sports and stretch math outside of school. He hasn’t expressed an interest in a musical instrument, so we’ve left that one. He doesn’t have to do everything. He has age appropriate chores every day which must be completed. Contribution got the house gives him confidence and responsibility.

Just read through your post , she’s 4!!