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Original poster

Partners child

72 replies

AzureViper · 04/10/2024 15:13

Looking for help on how to manage a relationship with partners son. There has been no relationship between him and his son for over two years due to his mam cutting him out and stopping him seeing the son. However over the last 6 months he’s started seeing him again and for me it’s all for the wrong reasons and he does also agree. It’s can I have, I need, I want, will you give me, will you take me. Currently pays over the amount of cm and still expected to give and give. The son Is a liar, manipulator and rates himself as a “gangster”. When I first initially met him I was gobsmacked at his behaviour, his actions and did not want him around my son. Over the months I just don’t like anything I hear about him, conversation about him enrages me. His actions are just not what I like in a person and although he is my sons partner I can’t have him in my house and when partner wants to spend time with him I instantly feel angry and defensive. I understand it’s his son and no doubt people will say that’s just how it is but if anything is going to break us it’s his son.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 04/10/2024 15:25

You don't say how old the boy is, but it's up to your partner to parent his son. Say no to his demands, set him an example, be someone he can look up to and admire, so he doesn't think it's cool to be a gangsta. That's his job.

Spend time with him, show him different values and interests.

Remember that CMS is the very minimum he should be paying his ex, and he should also be paying for days out etc when he has his son with him.

How much you are involved will depend on how close you are. Children need to see happy decent relationships and good values, they don't come pre-housetrained.

Take a good look at how your dp treats his child, before you consider him as a future parent for a baby. It will be very illuminating !

Original poster
AzureViper · 04/10/2024 15:42

AzureViper · 04/10/2024 15:13

Looking for help on how to manage a relationship with partners son. There has been no relationship between him and his son for over two years due to his mam cutting him out and stopping him seeing the son. However over the last 6 months he’s started seeing him again and for me it’s all for the wrong reasons and he does also agree. It’s can I have, I need, I want, will you give me, will you take me. Currently pays over the amount of cm and still expected to give and give. The son Is a liar, manipulator and rates himself as a “gangster”. When I first initially met him I was gobsmacked at his behaviour, his actions and did not want him around my son. Over the months I just don’t like anything I hear about him, conversation about him enrages me. His actions are just not what I like in a person and although he is my sons partner I can’t have him in my house and when partner wants to spend time with him I instantly feel angry and defensive. I understand it’s his son and no doubt people will say that’s just how it is but if anything is going to break us it’s his son.

He’s 15. Me and my partner don’t share any children and there isn’t an option to either. I know as a grown up I should be able to be the better person but my gut feeling just tells me to stay away and I can’t ignore that

OP posts:
DrummingMousWife · 04/10/2024 15:45

Steer clear. You don’t need to be involved at all. Partner sees his son and takes him out and about, end of. Don’t get involved in the finances and don’t get involved in the care. This is for your partner to deal with now.

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Meadowfinch · 04/10/2024 15:49

Agree with @DrummingMousWife At 15, your dp's son is almost grown and you will never be much of an influence for him.

Your dp needs to take a strong, involved line with his son. Find something they love doing together, and build a relationship on the back of that.

You're better to stay clear and let him handle it.

Original poster
AzureViper · 04/10/2024 16:26

How do I manage when situations arise and I get called difficult because I don’t want to be involved with his son. We have very limited time together due to his work and my work and it’s very rare we get a weekend together. But now time with him is factored it’s even less. I don’t want the relationship to end as we are very good together and although are polar opposites in everything we work really well. Well until this current situation, and now I feel like I am withdrawing because I am very uninterested in the child and his actions.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 04/10/2024 16:40

Do you live with this man?

Original poster
AzureViper · 04/10/2024 16:49

Yes I do

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 05/10/2024 00:57

If you live with him, then your home is also this boys home. That he hasn’t come home for a long period of time is irrelevant. His father’s home is also his home.

if you don’t want the son spending time there or even moving in, then you need to not live with the father anymore.

you can continue to date if you think the relationship will survive the step backwards. Consider though if you actually want to date a man who has done such a poor job parenting his son.

AutumnCrow · 05/10/2024 01:26

I think you might need to think hard about moving out (or your DP moving out, if it was your home before he came along), and start putting some plans together.

This situation will last for years.

If you’re not up for a particular situation, then it’s ok to acknowledge that.

Original poster
AzureViper · 05/10/2024 09:30

It’s not his fault his son is how he is it’s his mothers and unfortunately while she still has control of him he will continue to be like that. Social workers and courts have been involved and mother is a drug user, however even though mentioned in court to remove the child they haven’t.

my son is a very timid and quiet boy, quite intimidated by such a character, he we also why I don’t want him at my home

OP posts:
Jaybail · 10/10/2024 16:58

AzureViper · 05/10/2024 09:30

It’s not his fault his son is how he is it’s his mothers and unfortunately while she still has control of him he will continue to be like that. Social workers and courts have been involved and mother is a drug user, however even though mentioned in court to remove the child they haven’t.

my son is a very timid and quiet boy, quite intimidated by such a character, he we also why I don’t want him at my home

If only life was so black and white! Regardless of whatever faults the mother has, your partner is still responsible for his son, for his wellbeing, his care and his parenting. That responsibility doesn't end if the child is difficult or if the new partner would prefer the child not to be around!

Lovemusic82 · 10/10/2024 17:03

I would get out of this relationship 😬. From experience…lt wont get any better.

Noglitterallowed · 10/10/2024 17:07

You got with someone with a child, you take that child on and either sort it out as adults talking and discussing or you go seperate ways. The way you speak about the step son and your own child says a lot. Rose tinted glasses to some effect.
are you involved with the mother, have you disacussed with school, do you even like him or even tried with him because it doesn’t sound like it. Some people just aren’t meant to be step parents

Ganthanga · 10/10/2024 17:10

That 15yr old boy needs his father, can't you see that? You could make a real difference here, show him love and stability he is missing. The " gangster " is probably an act. If you make the situation difficult for your partner, he will resent you. You knew he had a child when you met him, they come as a package.

Heretodayblownawaytomorrow · 10/10/2024 17:13

The dc didn't have a df for 18 months... That's why he is playing the Hard Man. In that time did he seek legal advice? At 13 the ds could have seen his df without the ex being involved surely? I was with a man who blamed his ex for no contact with his dc . When really he was just a shit df..

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 10/10/2024 17:14

Ponderingwindow · 05/10/2024 00:57

If you live with him, then your home is also this boys home. That he hasn’t come home for a long period of time is irrelevant. His father’s home is also his home.

if you don’t want the son spending time there or even moving in, then you need to not live with the father anymore.

you can continue to date if you think the relationship will survive the step backwards. Consider though if you actually want to date a man who has done such a poor job parenting his son.

Absolutely this.
Your sole priority must be your kid. He shouldn't have this bloke and his poorly raised kid inflicted on his home.
The boyfriend could have bothered getting a Child Arrangements Order long ago instead of whining that his ex was preventing him from parenting.
Just date-if you really must, away from the kids.

Nanny0gg · 10/10/2024 17:21

AzureViper · 05/10/2024 09:30

It’s not his fault his son is how he is it’s his mothers and unfortunately while she still has control of him he will continue to be like that. Social workers and courts have been involved and mother is a drug user, however even though mentioned in court to remove the child they haven’t.

my son is a very timid and quiet boy, quite intimidated by such a character, he we also why I don’t want him at my home

So your partner has been an absent, useless father?

Why?

Mumofferal3 · 10/10/2024 17:26

Meadowfinch · 04/10/2024 15:49

Agree with @DrummingMousWife At 15, your dp's son is almost grown and you will never be much of an influence for him.

Your dp needs to take a strong, involved line with his son. Find something they love doing together, and build a relationship on the back of that.

You're better to stay clear and let him handle it.

I disagree with this. At 15, he needs positive role models. He needs clear boundaries and if you don't unify with your partner, you will likely lose out.

Personally, I would think about how I would treat someone like this as my own. I would probably give him an allowance and once it is gone, cest la vie. That way you aren't say yes or no, he takes control. You lool as if you are willing, he feels like he is in control. He will soon learn how to manage his money. And will learn some decent life skills in the mix.

The way you said at beginning OP makes it sounds as if DP is just agreeing with you for a quiet life. Like a lot of parents, he probably is taking path of least resistance. So you both probably need to face it head on and together.

Original poster
AzureViper · 10/10/2024 17:27

Not an absent father no, a marriage breakdown and a mother who chose to use the children as weapons. After three years or absences and two years at court and several interventions he is rebuilding what has been lost the last three years

OP posts:
Mumofferal3 · 10/10/2024 17:31

AzureViper · 05/10/2024 09:30

It’s not his fault his son is how he is it’s his mothers and unfortunately while she still has control of him he will continue to be like that. Social workers and courts have been involved and mother is a drug user, however even though mentioned in court to remove the child they haven’t.

my son is a very timid and quiet boy, quite intimidated by such a character, he we also why I don’t want him at my home

This is mum shaming. You sound so resentful but it would seem the DP hasn't done a sterling job either.

You don't sound very pleasant. You hate the boy. You hate his mum. Why are still in this relationship? He sounds a bit limp IMO.

Bookwormlass · 10/10/2024 17:32

Sounds like this poor teenager has had a bit of a rough ride. No father for 18 months, mother a drug user. People who are repeatedly hurt or let down learn to wear armour, act hard. His mother may have stopped the dad from seeing his son, but did he fight to stay in his sons life. Maybe the son feels let down by his dad, so is getting everything he can out of him. I think the son can benefit from some counselling. You OP either need to be supportive, and help your DH to nurture and parent his son, or you need to leave them to it. Sounds to me like you're more annoyed that his son is back and disrupting your happy little unit, plus you're putting your DH in an impossible situation, where he'll end up having to choose between you, because of your refusal to accept his son. Teenagers can be difficult at the best of times, but factor in all that this teenager has had to deal with, and have some compassion. He need help, love and support.

TheHalfDeadMother · 10/10/2024 17:55

Did this court battle happen before your relationship started? Because without proof you oh is a danger to his kid there is no way a court would take 2 years to start contact.

You live together. Is it your house or did you get it jointly? Did contact start before you lived together? Or could your oh be wanting you to parent for him now you are around but wasn't fussed before when he had to do it all himself?

Regardless, your first priority is your own child. I'd stop living together

AcrossthePond55 · 10/10/2024 18:01

@AzureViper

Question re 'my home'. Is it your home as in you own it/are the only one on the lease AND you had it prior to him moving in OR you co-bought/co-rented where you are living together? Because if the former it is your home and you have the legal right to state who does/doesn't enter it. How that affects your relationship only you can guess. But if you jointly bought or rented, then it is NOT 'your home' it is 'our home' and he has the right to have anyone in it he chooses to.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with you saying "I choose not to be involved with your son or discuss him because of his behaviour". It's up to your DP to accept that or not. But you don't have the right to demand he not see his son when he wants to or that he 'put you first'. His son, whether they had a lifelong relationship or only met yesterday for the first time, should be his priority and you'll need to take a back seat. All you can do is decide if you want to stay in the relationship as it is now with that understanding.

I definitely understand you not wanting your son around his son, and I agree with that. Up to you if you choose to absent yourselves when he's there if it is a joint home or to refuse to allow him there if it is solely your home and let the chips fall where they may.

Pumpkincozynights · 10/10/2024 18:04

The most important role model to a 15 year old male is his father.
That is a fact.
This boy will be looking towards his father and subconsciously picking up clues on how to behave. Clues on what it is to be a man. It is vital that your dp bares this in mind. If the child does not get sufficient clues from his father on how to behave, then he will search for those clues elsewhere.
Putting it bluntly, whoever holds the most influence over him will win.
So if his father is absent then it could be the local drug dealer for example.
That is how children fall into a life of crime.
It would take a very strong personality and one who is given lots of great opportunities to raise above it and be a better person.

Unicornsanddiscoballs91 · 10/10/2024 18:05

Unfortunately.

If he hasn't seen son for a long time because of mum and her alienating behaviours (Google it) then sometimes the only thing the non resident parent can improve things, is buying them......

I'm an alienated mum, I see my children every fortnight for 4.5 hours!! If I said no to bowling, or, a new toy, they'd not come - but they're much younger.

CMS is irrelevant to it though cos Unfortunately your partner has to pay.

I feel for you.

But I feel more for this poor kid and your partner.