Partners child

[AzureViper]

Looking for help on how to manage a relationship with partners son. There has been no relationship between him and his son for over two years due to his mam cutting him out and stopping him seeing the son. However over the last 6 months he’s started seeing him again and for me it’s all for the wrong reasons and he does also agree. It’s can I have, I need, I want, will you give me, will you take me. Currently pays over the amount of cm and still expected to give and give. The son Is a liar, manipulator and rates himself as a “gangster”. When I first initially met him I was gobsmacked at his behaviour, his actions and did not want him around my son. Over the months I just don’t like anything I hear about him, conversation about him enrages me. His actions are just not what I like in a person and although he is my sons partner I can’t have him in my house and when partner wants to spend time with him I instantly feel angry and defensive. I understand it’s his son and no doubt people will say that’s just how it is but if anything is going to break us it’s his son.

But if a mother wants to ignore the court order she can, and will most likely get away with it. What can the court do? Jail her yes, but it is very unlikely they would jail a mother for that reason. So for those few women who do use kids as a weapon, they basically have all the power

I think unfortunately the reality is that you DONT work together when you consider that his son is part of the package.

his son is a big part of him and you don’t like his son. You would be unreasonable to ask him to prioritise you over his son which I can’t see a way around as naturally you will want to spend time with him, which is time away from his son.

If someone liked you, but not your son, and wanted to
spend time with you at the expense of your son, would you think that was fair, or would you consider an intense dislike of your child a deal breaker?

The son sounds awful but quite frankly, If anyone expressed a real dislike of either of my children, they’d be out of my life immediately.

It’s a hard truth OP, but the son will always be there. You have no shared children therefore you have a choice whether you want to be in this (whole) blended family or not. It sounds like you don’t. The answer you want to hear is that its reasonable to make your DP choose; you or the son. If he is any sort of parent he will choose his son. And no, its not right to give him that ultimatum either. If you don’t want a relationship with the boy you should walk away. And if you really believe DPs son is harming yours then even more reason to do so. You will all be happier from the sound of things.

So it would be fine if he said he wzs interested in you but disinterested in your child as he found your child annoying

I am not shaming I am very honest. Our situation has been a life chaining nightmare because of this woman. She has used the children to her advantage and as an emotional weapon throughout it all. Ignored court, not turned up, you name it she’s done it. I do feel for the son and myself and my partner have had some very deep conversations about what may or may not happen in the future. One son i get on very well with (hes older) moved himself out his mothers home with support from social workers and now lives independently away from her and he himself has nothing to do with his mother now because of what she’s done. But like I’ve said the younger son is very troubled and also learned behaviours from his mother which also impact emotionally onto his dad which is what I am finding extremely hard to navigate

And where was his father stepping in all those years? And did he raise his mother's drug use with social services and offer to take him in as an alternative home? He's been not involved for two years, but how about the years before to give him the love and role modelling that he needed to grow into a rounded individual? I'm hearing resentment from you towards this teen; but what I'm seeing is how all the adults in his life have probably failed this boy up to now. This is your partner's chance to step up and make a difference. It might not be too late. Don't want to be involved? Don't be. But don't discourage your bloke either or heap negativity on their relationship. Squash your personal feelings and help your man to be a better dad 👍

I had the exact same here, my ex didn’t see his son for 2 years, blamed it all on the mum etc. Tbf he DID go to court over it, but when he didn finally start seeing him due to court ordered contact he was a shit dad to the little boy. Unfortunately for me I was already pregnant with this man (unplanned) and he’s been exactly the same with our little boy, before and after we broke up. Turns out the mum of his other little boy was justified in not wanting him involved because he’s just useless, and he’ll be telling his current girlfriend the same shit he told me 😂

He is acting out he hasn't had his dad around for him and by the sounds of it his mam isn't great for him. In his eyes he isn't loved and is putting a wall up. Take time with him build a relationship with him let him know you are there for him poor child just wants to be loved and is pushing boundaries to see if he will be left again you just need to be patient and loving

@AzureViper we used to provide respite foster care and found with one of the children the once a month visit was extremely disruptive and affected our own child adversely - lots of lying and manipulation and malicious breaking of things/blaming others from the visiting child. We brought our child up to share toys etc, but ended up having to hide away stuff that was of sentimental or high value rather than risk the consequences. There was worse, but we did not find this out until later. So I understand that - even if you want to help and be supportive - there are damaged children that are capable of damaging your child(ren) and which you cannot really help. Its heartbreaking.

Your priority is your own child. Your partner's child may never improve in terms of attitude/behaviour, but is now 15. This is a last opportunity for him to try, and its good that he is trying. But don't be guilted into sharing your home with your partner's child if he presents danger to your own child.

If you cannot tolerate his son around you and your son you need to find your own place or your partner needs to move out. It may be a hard decision but to me "gangsta" indicates he may well be impressed by and waiting to get into gang culture. Without having his father around on a permanent basis, this may be his example of "masculinity" - a very toxic example.
You know from news reports how a lot of these young men end up - involved with drugs, knives and guns. Cut your losses.

He was there parenting with the mother a family unit for 12 years, he fought all the way with solicitors, court and social workers throughout. All could see the alienation from mother as well as her failed drugs and alcohol tests, child’s failing school everyone was involved but yet nothing ever moved forward quickly. He offered a home with him, social services said because of mams mental health it would be too detrimental to her to take the child so he got to stay. All these things everyone is saying over the years we have done it, been down every avenue. I didn’t come to this platform for hate and abuse I came for help and guidance and support. My home is a safe home for my kids, my partner moved in with me. I can’t open my home to others when all they will bring is wrong doing to the home. If that means my partner has to leave then he has to leave

It's not really mum shaming if it's true. If she's a drug user then she deserves shame

Sounds like a road man init

if your husband is a good father and you want him to leave then he should leave this is a boy who never knew stability or love or nice gifts for Christmas bedtime stories hugs kisses etc from his mother and if your husband was there for 12 years he did a pretty bad job if this boy is acting like this he needs to step up and guide him and if he can't he at least needs to try your husband might accept to let him go now but your marriage will dissolve soon because of it if he's a good dad. me personally if my partner even mentions that I have to chose between my son and him I'm out that door so fast bye imagine your son changes and becomes a bad teenager and then your husband says we have to let him go or I the both of you have to leave how would you feel ? gutted right ?

my son is a very timid and quiet boy, quite intimidated by such a character

So you know what you need to do. Your child is nr. 1, or he should be.

WTF, you are putting dick before your own flesh and blood who is intimidated by a 15-year-old swaggering about thinking he is a "gangsta"?! What kind of father does he have that would allow this. He is failing his son and you are failing yours.

No good will come of it if you stay with this man. And you know it.

That "gangsta" - poor child, 15 years old! - will end up dead or in prison.

Please leave this toxic situation and take care of your vulnerable child.

As a person who has a blended family my DH has had to deal with some pretty rough things, it hasn't always been easy and sometimes frustration and anger for the situation can cloud your ability to see the person most affected by this is the child.

My DH is has always been very clear about rules and actions have consequences, I personally think you should allow this child into your home and treat him as if he was your child.

When he comes to your and his fathers home sit him.down tell him what you expect from him, how you expect him to behave and what the consequences will be if that lines is crossed.
Also stop your DH from giving him everything he asks for mum guilt is real but it is the same for DADS too.

Remember this child has clearly not been given any boundaries and has been allowed to run feral as his dad wishes to rebuild the relationship he needs to start teaching his son along with your help how things really work.

Just be fair and always allow him to have a say, you don't have to agree but he can speak none the less.

Being a step parent is not for the faint of heart as my DH will tell you but re writing the wrongs is far more difficult when your partner is also against you......work together support each other speak to the child......allow the child a safe loving place where his actions and behaviour have consequences.

Hope this helps

it does feel like you are very repelled by this kid and even if the boy will change you will never accept him you accept the older one cus he doesn't need parenting he's grown but the young one is just a problem that you desperately want to get rid of I know you came here for support but you got to hear your bad side too which is that you are not willing to make any sacrifices if you get so angry even when your husband talks about spending time with him its his child you need to understand that basically you either want your husband to abandon his child and stay in your family or you will abandon them both its kinda nasty don't you think think of it this way this "thug" is not your husbands son but your boy the shy one who is intimidated easly would you ever put your own son second for another person ? I sure won't kids always comes first everytime no excuses

no she needs to be with her kid and her husband needs to go with his son cus she is reppeled by his kid she might even be scared of him she has to put her child first and he needs to do the same separately this isn't gonna last if he abandons his child for her she doesn't want to give the 15 year old any chances from what she writes

This relationship is pointless. If you can’t be around his son then there is no point being with your partner. The son will always be there, even when he’s an adult.

I think you know what has to happen OP. You can't let your child be impacted by your partner's son's behaviour it's really not fair on anyone, but your DP needs to persevere building bridges with his son so he will need to move out so he can do that.
There is nothing you can do about what's happened in the past and whether things would have been different if DP had managed to get some access sooner, you can only deal with the situation now and you can't keep hoping that things might get better. They might. He might see his older brother's example and improve or actually grow up, but chances are he won't at least for a few years and then you will likely have two teenagers off the rails rather than just one if he influences your son.
Do not be a martyr here OP, there's far too much of that on here I think where women and it's almost always women, are shamed into putting up with intolerable situations, usually by other women. This is not your fault and it is really not your problem to solve.
You need to sit down with your DP and sort out an alternative home for him and his son.
I hope you can find some resolution.

You sound jealous tbh

whos house is it?

put your son first and either leave if its your partners house. or ask them to leave asap!

Sorry OP but social services wouldn't say this. The welfare of the child is paramount, and if it would be best for the child to live with his father then that's what social services would recommend, regardless of the mum's mental health.

Did you move in with him or he with you? If that's his house you may want to start getting somewhere separate, because he is not going to put his son out for you.

To be honest you sound like the typical bitter step mum!
im a step mum and my kids have step mum- even through tough times surely you should never speak about the child or the mum like this? You sound like the problem!