Partners child

[AzureViper]

Looking for help on how to manage a relationship with partners son. There has been no relationship between him and his son for over two years due to his mam cutting him out and stopping him seeing the son. However over the last 6 months he’s started seeing him again and for me it’s all for the wrong reasons and he does also agree. It’s can I have, I need, I want, will you give me, will you take me. Currently pays over the amount of cm and still expected to give and give. The son Is a liar, manipulator and rates himself as a “gangster”. When I first initially met him I was gobsmacked at his behaviour, his actions and did not want him around my son. Over the months I just don’t like anything I hear about him, conversation about him enrages me. His actions are just not what I like in a person and although he is my sons partner I can’t have him in my house and when partner wants to spend time with him I instantly feel angry and defensive. I understand it’s his son and no doubt people will say that’s just how it is but if anything is going to break us it’s his son.

I also agree that social workers would not say this. The priority is always the child.

Not bitter at all. I’m all for blended families, my kids have a step mam too and we all get on very well. But there’s plenty women out there who don’t want their kids to have a step mam or blended family and she’s one of them,

It absolutely is his fault!! Your views are so outdated. If my child was living with a drug user and it was ruining his life then I would go to the ends of the earth to remove the child myself from the situation and the child's other parent would have to take me to court. Some Dads get the easy ride of "well she wouldn't let me see them". What would you do if your children's father suddenly stopped letting you see your child and you knew their life was crap, full of social workers etc. As long as he's on the child's birth certificate he could have picked the child up from school and refused to hand him back.

He's a shitty Dad. End of.

And what are you expecting from this post?? The child has more rights to his Dad than you do, no matter what you think. Would you like us to validate you forcing your partner to abandon his child cause you don't like him.

So social workers put the mum’s needs ahead of the child’s?
There’s a bit of a whiff here.
Hard to give advice if you’re not being wholly truthful.

@AzureViper

"My home is a safe home for my kids, my partner moved in with me. I can’t open my home to others when all they will bring is wrong doing to the home. If that means my partner has to leave then he has to leave"

I agree. And this is exactly what you need to tell him. No pussyfooting around, no trying to talk each other around to the other's point of view.

This is not a situation for which a workable compromise can be found. He wants his son to have a 'home' in your house. You don't want him in your house. He doesn't have to compromise on his relationship with his son. You don't have to compromise the wellbeing of yours. Stalemate.

Time for a serious talk with your DP. And if that's the end of things between you, so be it. Each of you will be free to raise your children as you see fit. But realize that there will be no way back.

Have you ever dealt with social services?

Sounds like you should not be with this man if you can’t tolerate his son.

I have

This!!! Social service are there to help primarily the children and to support the family.
if there has been constant breaking of guidelines, ie. Drug use etc no way would social services say ‘well the child needs to stay so the mum doesn’t loose it’
i think you may have been told a half truth here.

it’s extremely sad for this child- that is what he still is a child. And he’s been let down so much.
your child however is your priority, also look to the future, if your step son does get involved in gang life he won’t think twice about trying to recruit your son. If he’s sensitive and won’t stick up for himself he’s perfect for that.
secondly I’d be very concerned about who could potentially turn up at your house with step son, other gang members? People who he has a problem with. The risks are far too high and I’d be asking my OH to leave immediately.

I wonder how many of you would actually step up and love a 15 year old 'as your own' in your home while your birth child withdraws.

Many would probably give it a shot, but when the shit hits the fan, no matter how trivial the scenario and dp sides with dsc....let me tell you the rot starts to set in

If that means my partner has to leave then he has to leave

I actually think this is pretty insightful, OP. I think you know deep down that this is the right solution.

Your DP moved in with you and your son, and then after a while your DP's son contacted him and wanted to see him.

Your DP's son has likely had (and is having) a pretty tough and miserable life, and it's up to your DP to establish suitable living arrangements for them both, even if it's 'only' for a few years, so that while it matters he can be the best father that he can be.

In my local authority area, we see a lot of boys of this age (15) who are floundering around in and out of the care system and in part-time special school provisions, whose mothers can't cope with them and whose fathers are not fully available; and these boys are starting to be known to the criminal justice system and/or at risk of being groomed e.g. by county lines drug dealers. It's desperate stuff.

I look at them and wish that at least one of their parents would step up - but often each parent expects the other one to do it, or expects the state to intervene. Some men seem to hope their new partner will take it on. But while it's still not too late, this is his dad's responsibility.

This, absolutely.
Sadly it may be too late already, which is what OP is picking up on.

Just BC boys father didn't live with him doesn't absolve his responsibility for his behaviour, it may have been a tricky situation but the boys father should not give up or this will end really badly, and I'm sorry OP but you will get the blame for not being supportive.

Make sure they get alone time, but introduce a shared family time too, so maybe you take your DS to football and then meet for lunch afterwards. Keep the lines of communication open and make sure if you are offering your DS treats, they are offered to DPs son too.

He could end up being the best brother ever, but he's hurting right now.

Rubbish

It sounds like your boyfriend has fed you a bunch of lies regarding his sons. He literally did nothing to protect them, is that because he has made up shit about his ex wife?

You personally are failing your own son if you allow this cycle to continue. Ask your boyfriend to leave and date or something.

No she doesn't

So social services were involved and concerned about mother but didn’t look at seeking father out as part of the safety plan??? Very odd unless there are concerns with father… can never say never but just sounds really bad practice.

im with the people who say if your partner lives with you then his son is part of your life. If you don’t like that and don’t want that then rethink the relationship because it’s not going to get better over night and it sounds like the child (yes child even at 15) needs a lot of love and support and you can’t give that. If the child has experienced trauma which is sounds like he has ie absent father and drug using mother then he is going to need more support than most. I hope his father realises now that you aren’t up to the task soon so he can focus on his son.

Just to add I don’t think you are in the wrong to be able to support the boy. He is not your responsibility. He is his father’s. You have your own son to focus on but please seriously rethink the relationship with your partner. Either way it’s dead in the water. If he doesn’t take on the responsibility of his son he is a loser. If he does take on the responsibility you aren’t a position to support them both. It’s a shame if there’s a connection between you both but sometimes circumstances play a part in our relationships.

OP this is very good info/advice

Plenty of people on here will have had experiences with social services that none of you would believe! I myself have had an absolutely horrific time with them and there is most definelty social workers out there that believe/allow mums to be victims and completly disregard what the kids want and need. Social services are not what some people think. The service as a whole is a disgrace. I hope the people on here who think highly of them or believe they always do right by the kids don’t have to ever deal with them!

That’s his son, stop interfering. If you don’t like it, please leave them to it. My father is caught between us and his wife. His wife doesn’t allow him to see us due to some reason unknown to us, so he has to sneak around behind her back to meet us every week… it makes me feel sad. I wish that he would divorce her. Please don’t be that woman.

I was thinking the exact same if anything her mental health would be another reason to remove the child BUT given his age they probably cba with the hassle of removal as he's close in age to be able to vote with his feet and there doesn't seem to be a clear set rule for removal they will take 1 kid for a ridiculous reason but leave another in a dire situation where they are repeatedly put in harms way there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason which is tragic for the poor children that suffer

I absolutely agree well said !
They often cause way more trauma , parental alienation and put children in abusive situations than what they were taken from to begin with !
I saw a post not long ago a young woman had her toddler removed for her mental health at contact the child had burns and bruises the child told her Foster carer did it she reported it to anyone she could but the Foster carer lied and said the child done it themselves . The baby ended up with a non accidental head injury resulting in a haemorrhage the Foster carers were never reprimanded or investigated they just moved her elsewhere