AIBU - 2nd ear piecing on DD

[FloydPink]

So, DD is 14 soon and wants a 2nd ear piecing. It seems all of her friends have them and she wants it too.

When she was born mum and me both agreed that it should be 13 or 14 when she gets her first, I know it sounds old fashioned but neither of us liked seeing young kids with piercings - each to there own and not a criticism of those that do but not us.

In the end we did this for her 12th birthday as seemed right.

Mum & I split (not really amicable, but compared to many couples it is amicable - we can talk and message a lot about kids). She wants to do it for 14th birthday, I don't - thinking 16 is an age she can decide this for herself. But I am getting a daily message about how it's wrong I dictate on this and why should she (mum) have to do what I want. Well it's not exactly something we can compromise on is it? What should I have to abandon my views and values too?

Yeah, its all trivial in life but a big thing for me (as a side issue her behaviour has been unacceptable of late and even if I was on board, would probably say not until she behaves better)

I agree with not piercing infants ears, but once their old enough to ask for it, I don’t see the harm. I remember asking for mine done at 7 years old.

Honestly if it’s what your daughter wants I’d probably not try and push against it, as others have said, pick your battles. At 14 girls want to express themselves and have some sort of independance, as long as her school are okay with it, then it’s literally almost non noticable.

I only say this as my parents were very strict and said no to a second ear piercing at 14, so I did it myself, then it progressed, the more they tried to restrict me at that age the more I pushed boundries, I ended up with 6 piercings in each ear, 3 nose piercings, 4 lip piercings, a smiley piercing and a anchor dermal piercing in my cheek and fairly latge ear stretchers by 18. Honestly if my parents had just let me express myself a little more at 14 I wouldn’t have gone so extreme 😂

She is 14 body autonomy is a very important lesson for her.

This is non permanent is within social norms not a tattoo on her face.

I would be really not happy with my ex thinking they had a right to control body autonomy in this case.

I don't think they would.

Agree with PP - don’t make this a battle. It’s her body, her choice. Save the outrage for tattoos.

I agree with everyone else - her body, and she is old enough to look after them. I have always thought piercings were the least of my worries to be honest - when theres do much other dangerous stuff they could be doing.

Seeing as the mum can do it anyway without your consent is it worth saying something like this to your ex… ‘I really have strong feelings about this and do disagree with her having it done, but it isn’t something worth ruining our current ability to communicate and discuss issues together for. So while I don’t want her to have it done, I know you don’t need my permission and appreciate you asking and including me in the decision. I will be sad if you ultimately decide to go ahead but I understand that we won’t always agree on everything and there may be something in the future where the situation is reversed.’

What should I have to abandon my views and values too?

One of your values should be that your teenage daughter should be empowered to make good decisions about her body. You're very late to be starting to have that conversation, unfortunately.

In this house, we talk to DD about choices, tell her our logic, talk through her choices and she almost always makes good ones. She doesn't have pierced ears or wear dodgy clothes.

I assume you're dad, not mum. Dad telling teenage girls what to do is not teaching them the skills to navigate every other man in the world. Teach her she is worth listening to, respecting, empowering. That will go a lot further keeping her out of trouble than saying "because I say so". You're teaching her men just get to tell her what to do with her body. Do you really want that?

Were they basically saying they wouldn't pay for uni if you got your ears pierced?!

I'd say it's pretty much up to the kid at that age. I can't see the average 14 yo being turned away from Claire's or superdrug or wherever. It's a tiny puncture wound that needs cleaning. If she's capable of that then it's fine.
To condone it or not won't make much difference really.

Your parents were extremely strict and controlling - that is not normal. Most women have pierced ears; I’m amazed you’ve never had it done, but that is your choice. A lot of my friends (40s and 50s) are having additional piercings done now. Also, it’s very easy to take earrings out if you change your mind.

Sure, you can think that no probs.
My point is, it's not true to say that if you don't allow it, they'll do it anyway (and do more to prove a point).