AIBU - 2nd ear piecing on DD

[FloydPink]

So, DD is 14 soon and wants a 2nd ear piecing. It seems all of her friends have them and she wants it too.

When she was born mum and me both agreed that it should be 13 or 14 when she gets her first, I know it sounds old fashioned but neither of us liked seeing young kids with piercings - each to there own and not a criticism of those that do but not us.

In the end we did this for her 12th birthday as seemed right.

Mum & I split (not really amicable, but compared to many couples it is amicable - we can talk and message a lot about kids). She wants to do it for 14th birthday, I don't - thinking 16 is an age she can decide this for herself. But I am getting a daily message about how it's wrong I dictate on this and why should she (mum) have to do what I want. Well it's not exactly something we can compromise on is it? What should I have to abandon my views and values too?

Yeah, its all trivial in life but a big thing for me (as a side issue her behaviour has been unacceptable of late and even if I was on board, would probably say not until she behaves better)

At 14 she is old enough to decide this for herself

She can have this done with or without your permission, so if you keep saying no she might just go and get it done anyways.

Try and guide her to a reputable piercer so she doesn't go to Claire's

Just remember your child will soon have the option of refusing your visitation. That’s at 16. You’re imposing something trivial and puritanical for reasons I would wager are about control and perhaps for the sake of being awkward with your ex wife.

Worth keeping in mind as well the more you try and control trivial things and be unreasonable and unrealistic with imposing your “beliefs” the more extreme her future choices will be and the more you’ll be excluded from her life.

The choice is yours.

You mention values, but I don’t think this is an issue that speaks to the heart of anyone’s core values. I do understand your point of view and I am not mega keen on piercings myself. But I agree with others that this is not a good enough reason to be in conflict with both your ex and your dd.

I would let her. She's old enough to look after them herself. School permitting.

My teen daughter went online and bought her own piercing gun, so at least your daughter is seeking permission!

Not a hill I’d die on.
my 15yo DD did her seconds herself. Twice! The first time she was 13 and didn’t like them as she didn’t get them straight. They healed up. She did them again recently. No drama. I told her I’d take her to get them done at a shop but she wanted to do them herself. She may or may not decide to keep them but it’s not going to cause any long term harm either way. Sometimes I think we have to let our teens experiment and explore who they are

I don't agree, my parents didn't allow any piercings ( not even eat)
When we were young they said we are allowed to get them at age 18.
My sister's didn't want them by the time they were 18, I did.
My parents then said, they're paying for uni so until I am not financially dependent on them , they don't want earrings.

By the time I was allowed them, I didn't want them.
And am glad I didn't get them in the end.

I went into town on my own at 14 and got them done as my mum said no. This was over 20 years ago mind you! Over the years had around 14 ear piercings of some description half of which have now healed over.

I said when you are older to my just turned 14 year old. She just did them herself. One without even ice cubes. She's only allowed one stud at school so she takes out the first set. Everyone seems to have two nowadays.

What personal value is it that makes you say no, perhaps explore that? my husband wasn't keen on a second one and I said that was fine but he would need to explain to our daughter why not - and he realised that "because I judge people with piercings as being rough" probably wasn't the message he wanted to pass onto his 14 year old daughter. So she had it done, kept it clean and takes the second pair out for school as per the rules. This was in a reputable jewellers and I had to consent as others have said.

I was only allowed to get my ears pierced when I was 13. At 15 wanted second piercings - mom said no so I did them myself with a needle. And then a few months later did my third in one ear.

Mom was annoyed but not a lot she could do about it and I still wear them today nearly 30 years later 🤷‍♀️

She'll get them done one way or another - it's not really worth arguing about.

My parents said I had to be 18 before I had my ears done
I ended up having the first set at 12,second at 16 and third set by 21
I now have 9 piercings
If my father hadn't made such a fuss,I most likely would have stopped at 2
My own dd had her first set at 11 (late birthday present-the condition was she could have them done in the 6 week hols so they could heal) as I refused to allow her to have them done earlier (she wanted them done at 7+ but i felt that was too young)
She ended up with 4 in each ear and 9 others elsewhere
I wouldn't make this a hill to die on-she'll do it anyway and it's a tiny hole that will close up if left

they don’t actually need your approval though she wants it her mum is happy for her to have it and that is enough

but you should be promoting bodily autonomy for her anyway

My 13 year old just got her seconds done, and will only be wearing those in school until the 6 week mark as she is only allowed one set at school.

I’d been saying no for a few months and then I suddenly asked myself why?!

It is fashionable for her age group at the moment. She is chuffed to bits with them and it just wasn’t worth blocking for no real reason.

I couldn't get worked up about this. Having said that my DC has a friend of 14 who's apparently going for a belly button piercing (with parental permission).
I've said that this isn't one I'd condone at such a young age but past 16 it's up to them if they want to.

This and as many others have said - not a hill to die on. My mum was dead set against me having additional piercings in my ear and I did it anyway once old enough as I’m sure your daughter will too (and mum ended up liking them when she saw them!). My DH is dead set against tattoos and, funnily enough, both his older children (my step children) had them as soon as they could! It really isn’t worth turning it into a battle of wills. It’s her body and she’s old enough to understand what she is doing.

Absolutely not a big deal and would not include this as a battle I wanted to fight.

They're her earlobes and very easily removed if necessary.

This is interesting. My daughter turned 14 this week and wanted a second piercing for her birthday. I'm a pretty relaxed parent. Probably too relaxed, if I'm honest, but still, I wasn't completely happy about this. It's very hard to explain why. I actually let her get her 1st piercing when she was 9, which was earlier than her friends.
The only way I can explain it, is to say there's something about multiple piercings that gives off a different vibe (to me anyway). One piercing is kind of conventional, but I felt that I'd prefer to wait another year for two piercings. So we've agreed she can have it done for her 15th birthday.
People saying pick your battles - it wasn't really a battle. She just sighed, rolled her eyes and said OK.

My daughter is 14 in 3 weeks and has two piercings which look nice. Shaw wants her belly button pierced I said no not till your 16. I agree with pp saying pick your battles. Most of her friends have 2 piercings and from my experience they all want to be the same at that age.

Different personality types I guess. I will not be dictated to. So if someone says I can’t do something I’m most definitely doing it. I’m no pushover and I won’t be controlled by anyone

Who cares. She’ll get it done eventually regardless if she’s 14 or 16. She’s a kid let her be happy it’s really not the end of the world

I think at 14 it’s really up to her, she knows what is involved and how to care for a piercing, and it’s her ears.
My daughter had her first lobe piercing for her 9th birthday, then her 2nd one 6 months later. She was responsible for the aftercare, and took it very seriously. I would far rather take her to a reputable piercer and have it done under my supervision than have her try to do it herself.

I was piercing my own ears with a sewing needle at the back of geography class at her age.

Let her do it, she’s old enough to make the decision.

I also don’t like seeing young children with piercings and wouldn’t have allowed it. But with a teenager I would worry if you don’t let her she might try and do it herself or have a friend do it. At least if her parents take her she can have it done at a proper place with much less risk of infection.

My daughter had her 2nds done at around 12/13 and her nose at 15.
Body autonomy and freedom of expression is important for teens (within reason obviously). Her body her choice.
Is it really that big a deal in the grand scheme of things.