AIBU - 2nd ear piecing on DD

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So, DD is 14 soon and wants a 2nd ear piecing. It seems all of her friends have them and she wants it too.

When she was born mum and me both agreed that it should be 13 or 14 when she gets her first, I know it sounds old fashioned but neither of us liked seeing young kids with piercings - each to there own and not a criticism of those that do but not us.

In the end we did this for her 12th birthday as seemed right.

Mum & I split (not really amicable, but compared to many couples it is amicable - we can talk and message a lot about kids). She wants to do it for 14th birthday, I don't - thinking 16 is an age she can decide this for herself. But I am getting a daily message about how it's wrong I dictate on this and why should she (mum) have to do what I want. Well it's not exactly something we can compromise on is it? What should I have to abandon my views and values too?

Yeah, its all trivial in life but a big thing for me (as a side issue her behaviour has been unacceptable of late and even if I was on board, would probably say not until she behaves better)

Well it's not a hill I'd die on on either side. But does your DD's school allow more than one stud per ear?

I wouldn’t make this a hill to die on. It’s a second earpiercing, most people seem to have these days- certainly all of my teenage nieces and all of my adult female friends! Mum doesn’t even need your permission to take her so asking you really is just a courtesy. Nothing wrong with making it a reward for something though, it could be a good motivator for better behaviour but make it realistic and achievable by her birthday.

I'm a great believer in picking your battles when it comes to teenagers.

I'd let her.

What does the school allow - DC’s was no piercing at all.

Mine had their seconds at 12. You can get little plastic spacers to put in the first hole for school or just take out the first if it's been in long enough.

I am in the same situation and I have also said 16. My DD is 13 and has friends with navel piercings and multiple ear piercings. I don’t think it’s allowed by school but I have just said not yet anyway.

She is old enough that a salon would do it without parental permission, so as others say. Is is really the hill you want to die on?
And it's only holes in ears that can close up over time anyway. It's not a face tattoo

Bot sure I understand why you are fine with 1 but not 2. It is the same process through the same part of the ear. But definitely check school policy first. When I was only allowed 2 for work and had 3 lobe piercings, I just put a ring sideways through 2 holes.

My rule with DD was that the only piercing she could have was her firsts until she was a) old enough to consent for it without me being there and b) had the money to pay for it herself.

Thankfully it seems to have worked, she’s 20 now and still only has firsts - out of choice of course.

I let my DD have a 2nd piercing at 11 - she had been wanting one for a couple of years. Got the first piercing at 8 after wanting it since she started reception!

She wants a bellybutton piercing but have said no until she's 16, same with any cartilage piercing.

I don't think lobe piercings are a big deal really, DH had a few ear piercings as a teenager but never wears an earring now and you can't even see where the holes were unless you look closely.

Any reputable salon will not pierce a child under 16 without parental presence and consent.

I wouldn’t have minded that when mine were younger. My daughters and I all had our noses pierced together when youngest was 15.

What was the school policy?

Dd had her seconds at 14

She's now 18 and had various others done/heal up since. Currently on about 16

This is honestly not a battle to pick. Save it for when you really need to put your foot down. The more you agree to most things, the bigger significance it has to them when you don't!

It's an important age for a young woman re. independence and bodily autonomy. With something like this surely she should get a say? So she wants it and her mother doe's disapprove, should your opinion matter more than both of theirs?

Nose studs had to be covered with a plaster, no rings. But it was Covid straight after so it didn’t matter really.

By 14 it's her body to pierce and do the aftercare on so let her crack on with it.

Reminds me of my Mother who was dead against a second ear piercing which made me all the more determined, I had them done on my own aged 13 in a local jewellery shop that didn't worry about parental consent and she was satisfyingly horrified 😂.

Yep, not a hill I’d die on at all, though are you sure this isn’t all about the separation and making sure you’re heard in decisions regarding your daughter? If it could be, have a chat with your ex about your anxieties there and make sure your daughter doesn’t end up as collateral damage. At this age she’ll remember it, and she won’t thank you for it down the line. That’s said, if you do consent, I’d explain to her that you expect to see an improvement in behaviour before you/mum pay for the piercing. Hopefully mum will agree it’s a good carrot to use for that.

Cartilage piercings are a different matter. I’m not so sure I’d have a fit over a normal nose piercing if school policy would allow it, but anything else will be a ‘wait until you don’t need my permission’ sort of thing. I’d counsel against a lip piercing though as they’re so prominent and potentially permanent. DP had one aged 18 and still has a hole in his face aged 40 😂

@TheBelleOfBelfastCity that rule sounds like a very fair one!

I agree with your stance but in your situation I don't think it's worth arguing over it. Sorry.

Even if you continue to say no, she could just do them herself anyway.

Having said yes to one piercing I would let her make her own choices about further piercings.

Navel piercings don't go through cartilage, they go through skin.

My mum wouldn’t let me get any piercings until I was 16. She hated them too. So as soon as I was ‘of age’ I went out and got 22 piercings. Because it was MY body and MY choice. Had I been allowed when all my friends were I probably wouldn’t have bothered but I’m the kind to make a point. I don’t regret it. I’ve taken a few out.
My point is if you don’t allow it. She will do it anyway. Or she’ll do worse if she’s anything like me. It’s not a hill I’d die on. I’ve told my 10 year old she can get whatever she wants done as soon as she wants it

13 and tummy pierced?

I thought there was an age limit for this and 16

2nd hole - pick your battles

She has one hole anyway. You agreed to that earlier than agreed so don't see an issue

I have 2. First one I begged for years and finally dad took me as mum didn't like ear rings and done summer hols before secondary school

2nd lot I had done when I was 15/16 I think. Went by myself

Parents didn't know or see for. Couple of years 🙀

My mum wouldn't let me have a second piercing so I went out and did it without her permission.

I don't see the harm. It's just an ear piercing, not a tattoo.