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Original poster

Step father and DD argument

74 replies

hadenough27 · 03/10/2024 09:29

So, last night my DD - 9 years old shouted at my husband (her step dad) that she wishes mummy would break up with him as she doesn't like him, doesn't like him swearing at her when mummies at work and wishes mummy was single and that she can't take it anymore
DD has a temper and flys of the handle at small things yes but everyday I get home from work and it's like walking into a battlefield
H response to her was telling her how crap it would be if he left, asking where her real dad is and how much effort (or not in this case as he doesn't) puts in
Wtf do I do

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 03/10/2024 09:35

Your husband needs to adjust his approach when dealing with a 9 year old. He is an adult and should behave like one, setting an example.

Children can be uncomfortable for all sorts of reasons and he needs to deal with it. It will get way worse when she hits her teenage years unless he fosters a more positive relationship with her.

Topjoe19 · 03/10/2024 09:55

How long has he been in her life? I'd get some.1-2-1 time with her. The situation doesn't sound great. His response was pretty nasty.

pinkfleece · 03/10/2024 09:56

I'd leave this unpleasant bully.

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LadyDanburysHat · 03/10/2024 09:58

Your 'D'H swears at your child when he is looking after her on his own? He responded to a young child telling him she hated him by arguing back in a cruel and immature manner.

I think you need to put your DD first and remove him from your life.

loropianalover · 03/10/2024 09:59

Why does he swear at her when he’s alone with her? How often is it just the two of them?

AdmittowearingCrocs · 03/10/2024 10:03

How can you be okay about him swearing at her? Does he only do this when you are not there or is that how he speaks to your DD all of the time? Sounds like this is a husband problem.
How long has he been in her life?

Meadowfinch · 03/10/2024 10:04

He said "where is your real dad" !!

Wow, he's really nasty isn't he. And you married this individual ! Why ?

Your poor daughter.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 03/10/2024 10:05

Did you mean DH has a quick temper and flies off the handle at the smallest things? He sounds very immature and abusive dealing with your DD’s “bad behaviour” (it’s unclear if she’s behaved badly ) by taunting her about her dad’s absence in her life. 9 year olds can be annoying but he can’t deal with things like a child because it’s going to get worse as dd gets older.

Does he swear at dd? I would only accept swearing in extreme situations like my child was trying to murder him. Is she at home with your h because he is wfh?

MusicLife80 · 03/10/2024 10:06

What do you do? Your focus on your daughter. I think you know what to do. What a cruel man, your poor child at 9 having to experience this from an adult.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 03/10/2024 10:07

Your husband swears at your kid when you're not around, and then retorts with "where's your real dad" when she gets upset about it?

The answer of what you should do is pretty clear to me.

KentishMama · 03/10/2024 10:08

The main question is, does he actually swear at her? Why, how? He's the adult in this relationship, and if he can't behave like one, then he can't be trusted with DD when you're not around.

Thenose · 03/10/2024 10:09

There's no such thing as an argument between an adult and a child. Only peers can argue. When there's such a clear power differential, an 'argument' is actually abuse.

lololulu · 03/10/2024 10:10

How awful for your dd

Hoppinggreen · 03/10/2024 10:12

He is awful and you need to leave him unless he acknowledges that he is in the wrong and changes, thats pretty unlikely though

nootcoffee · 03/10/2024 10:13

Oh dear OP
Oh dear

Your poor girl

but no point advising anything, because you won’t do damn thing about it and it will be horrific for your daughter when she hits teens

AutumnDecor · 03/10/2024 10:14

Your husband is a nasty bully, swearing at a 9 year old and talking about her dad like that. You need to protect your daughter from him. Poor girl.

lovemyboyz247 · 03/10/2024 10:16

Have they got on in the past?
She's letting you know how unhappy she is.

Please listen to what she is saying. Her step dad should no way be swearing at her. What happens if he loses his temper and becomes violent? I'm not saying he's a violent man, but if he can't control his temper to not swear then where does he draw the line?

He sounds cruel and I would seriously consider your relationship with him as this may damage your relationship with your daughter who should be more important than him

Uricon2 · 03/10/2024 10:19

What he said about her birth father was unforgivable. If he'll say such a thing in front of you, what else does he say when you're not there,as well as swearing?

Mitherations · 03/10/2024 10:19

Your DD is more switched on than the useless lump that you brought into her life.

What do you do? What do you think you should do?

He swears at her when you're not around and she's telling you clearly, with her words that she doesn't like it, and she can't take it any more. For a child to do this and put themselves out there and in a position of vulnerability it must be bad.

You listen to her and take action or risk your relationship with her, and her mental and emotional being forever. Yes it's a shit position to be in but you put yourself there, she had no choice. It's on you to sort it out. You can't just hold your hands up and woe is me it.

HeadsAlwaysSpinnig · 03/10/2024 10:21

Sit down and talk with her, her saying that was for your benefit, she wants to tell you how she feels.

Mitherations · 03/10/2024 10:30

And the fact that you're describing this as "an argument" is disturbing. It's not an argument, it's clearly a one sided situation with a scared 9 year old child on one end of this peice of shit's abuse. Sorry, but give your head a wobble, this shouldn't have got to this point, if every day you get home from work and it's like walking into a battlefield.

A 9 year old girl should have to be going into daily battle with her mums husband.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 03/10/2024 10:31

This is a very toxic environment. Why is he swearing at her, or swearing around a child at all? And why does she have a temper? She is too old for temper tantrums so it must be either learned behaviour or because she is unhappy and not listened to.
You need to take this very seriously OP and make decisions based on her, not on you.

SD1978 · 03/10/2024 10:31

You said your daughter flies off the handle- but if a grown ass adult is shouting, swearing and belittling a 9 yr old it's not her behaviour you need to be looking at.

PennyApril54 · 03/10/2024 10:38

She is 9 years old! Having to fight daily with a grown man. How sad. It's his responsibility to be the adult and try to pave the way for a better relationship with her. The comment about her real dad is so awful. It's basically saying he was rubbish / didn't think she was good enough to stick around for etc and she should be grateful for the crumbs of love/ attention/ care that he brings instead. That's the sort of sentence that she'll remember her whole life. There's absolutely no excuse for him saying that. I think you need a very serious conversation to suss out whether he is worth sticking with or not. This is her childhood. She should feel loved and cherished at home and taught how to deal with difficult situations such as conflict in a way that is meaningful and respectful.

Topseyt123 · 03/10/2024 10:42

He swears at her when you are not around!!? Surely that is a safeguarding concern which you should be taking far, far more seriously!!

What else might he do to her when you aren't there that she hasn't articulated yet?

His remarks about the absence of her real father were spiteful, immature and very, very damaging. She already has to deal with the absence of her real father, she doesn't need this arsewipe you have (for some reason) married to rub her nose in that.

You need to put your poor daughter first, stop being so wishy-washy and get this wanker out of your lives. Concentrate on your DD. She is still only 9 and needs you to be her true advocate, not delegate her care to such an unstable and unsuitable man!

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