Update to 'I don't want my five year old'

[icann]

I thought I'd start a new thread because the other one had 800 plus responses and I think the limit is 1000

Anyway we started a private assessment with a strong suspicion of autism and possibly PDA. And maybe even ADHD. We've had the first assessment. We were going to be waiting too long on the NHS and our in laws helped us out with the costs. We've checked its a recognised society and it will be accepted by school.

We had a massive issue which is why it's taken too long for a reply. She broke her arm. She refused to go to school and we have been pretty much dragging her to school. I need the break..unfortunately she threw a cup at my 3 year old and she required stitches to her face.
I reacted way too slowly to stop it. I should have seen it. My 3 year old was bleeding a lot, apparently face injuries bleed like crazy. I had grab my 5 year.old and I am not ashamed to say I physically locked her in the living room so I could phone my husband to get home now. She trashed the entire living room. Her arm needed re casting as she broke it. My 3 year old needed stitches.

We've reached breaking point now and this second assessment can't come any quicker

That is definitely a risk. If I were doing it I would probably get the school's permission and have a one off reason why it was allowed (e.g. to help her adjust to the new medication).

She can't write. Its very much like a doodle of a much younger child. It's been flagged before she left reception that she was already behind. And her reading isn't great. Again I sound like I'm playing favourites but my youngest can read better than she can which is something we've noticed. I read to them both every night.

I just feel like such a failure

Op, you are not failing, you are an incredible mum

You're not a failure, that would suggest if you had parented differently you would have 'fixed' her.

I don't actually believe parenting can make very big changes to who our children are - to their habits and learned behavior, maybe, but that's all. If it was actually because your parenting was dreadful you would presumably have similar issues with the three year old.

Also, you're not done yet. It will get better, and worse, and better. This is a crisis moment. Hang in there.

You're doing the best anyone could do with an impossible situation.

You are not a failure, you’re a devoted mum going through shit times.

i really hope the meds manage to help DD

Interesting to consider dyslexia but I believe the uk is also unusually pushy in how early it wants kids to read and write.

DS didn't read till 6, now at nearly 9 he's completely fluent and can and does read anything, devours enormous encyclopedias for fun at bedtime. His writing is improving but probably 2 or 3 years behind his Uk peers.

@icann Sorry I've not read the full thread so this may have been suggested (and I'm in no way suggesting it will be a miracle cure) but have you heard of the book The Explosove Child? It offers a different approach for parenting children who struggle and lash out as a result. Hopefully you might find it helpful or even just good to know you're not alone. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds incredibly tough but you and your husband sounds like fantastic parents x

Just on the dyslexia point, my son had a bit of a personality change in Y1 went from being my easiest child to seriously difficult. I didn't know at the time what was going on, he did have some constipation issues and there was aggressive behaviour from a couple of the boys in the class towards him which I attributed both issues to his behaviour (it really was like a switch had been flicked). A couple of years later and he's being assessed for dyslexia and I now wonder if that had a hand in things as it would coincide with more demanding work in Y1. He hates to feel vulnerable and get into a mood quite quickly if there is even an innocuous misunderstanding so I imagine sitting down and his classmates finding work easier than him would have been difficult for him.

OMG you are not a failure OP and neither are the parents of other children with special needs. Just as clever well behaved children are not entirely the result of their upbringing either.
Your 5 year old is a puzzle and she is proving hard to solve. You need expert help yet have limited time to try to access it as you are too busy crisis managing. I’ve been there. Things did get better.

Getting a school environment where they feel supported is going to help a lot. Hence my comment earlier about needing an EHCP asap. As part of that process she should be assessed by an Educational Psychologist and a Pediatrician which we found useful. Getting an EHCP is a slow process and you will probably get turned down and need to appeal. It’s a pain when you have so little energy left.
As a poster mentioned above we do push reading and writing early in this country. I moved my child to a Steiner school because it took the stress of that aspect of education away until they were 7. They still had lots of emotional behavioural problems of course but we were lucky in having such supportive staff there.
We also at some stage in this mess ended up co sleeping again for the emotional comfort. I’m not recommending this obviously, just reflecting on how this can end up being all consuming.

I am sorry I have no advice. I just wanted to say, you are not at all a failure. You are faced with situations far harder than most parents ever have to face. You are doing Extreme Parenting. all day, every day, without the outside support for your DDs that you need and that they need.

You are a brilliant parent fighting to get their needs met. And your DDs are lucky to have you.

@icann Sorry if I’ve missed the info, but do you think the more volatile behaviour has increased since your DD started Year 1? Just thinking of a few things mentioned here (struggling with learning, the demand avoidant tendencies). Many, many children struggle with the transition from Reception to Year 1 and I wonder if this has all tipped her past her level of tolerance. This might then show as explosive behaviour at home, targeting a younger sibling who she sees as enjoying the ‘freedom’ on nursery. It may be that she’s not ready for more formal learning at school and if they made adjustments you might see some improvement. Just a thought, maybe a tiny piece of the picture.

My understanding from her prior thread was that her daughter’s behavior deteriorated significantly over summer holidays when she wasn’t in school. School is a factor yes, but not the primary issue.

I really appreciate all the replies and all the advice. I have the meeting at 11 with the schools SENCO. What do I say? What do i do?

She pulled a chunk out of her own hair last night because her sister was asleep in my bed because she's sick. I tried to accommodate both but she tried to poke her sister in the eye because she wanted all my attention. I told her that If she hurts her sister she can't stay with us, that I love her very much but her sister doesn't need to be hurt. She screamed abuse at me, threw the clock across the room and pulled out her own hair. My husband had to physically hold her arms down and hold her to the floor while she was screaming.

She's 5. She's 5. How is she this strong at 5? And this angry. All I want to do is fix it for her and I can't and that makes me so angry.
Grandparents are taking youngest out on the weekend, sickness depending, to see santa and some lights. I may or may not go. Oldest won't go. Too much noise, too many people. I don't want my youngest to miss out but I also want to be there.

OP Have you also asked your local authority for an EHC needs assessment and a social care assessment?
I recommend the At Peace parenting podcast. The techniques are worth a try. It requires a massive change to conventional parenting thinking, because conventional doesn’t work. PDA is specific profile of needs within autism and the typical strategies recommended for autistic children often do not work with PDA.

Your child may need OT and SALT assessment also add that to the local authority EHC needs assessment request.
You can ask the SENCO to get the ball rolling on that with the LA but usually quicker to do it yourself as they are overstretched
If your DD masks in school tell the senco what happens at home. Ask the senco to write to CAMHS mentioning that to refer you if not already done that.
Ask the senco how they can give your DD additional 1-1 support at school while you’re waiting for these assessments.
The main thing is you’re all aiming to reduce anxiety at school so that it’s also reduced at home.

I don't know if it's been mentioned but there are courses on how best to restrain children so you don't hurt them but also keep them safe - and yourself and others. Having a space where your daughter can go is great and I know you've discussed doing that but there will be times like last night when either you or your husband has to physically stop her.

I have the meeting at 11 with the schools SENCO. What do I say? What do i do?

Tell them everything. The violence, the self harm, the rage. That you struggle to keep her safe and your younger child safe from her. Please be honest. I’m not saying they’ll have all the answers, but you need to help them build the bigger picture of how things are outside of school too.

Sorry I didn’t see this earlier. If school haven’t already requested a needs assessment for an EHCP then I would suggest you request it yourself. It means you’re in control then.
If school are saying they need 3 terms of evidence or similar rubbish ignore them. Thats what the LA tell them but it isn’t true and it isn’t legal. It’s just the LA trying to delay things to save money.
Use the templates from IPSEA to send a request. Make sure you ask that they arrange assessment by a SALT & OT as well as an Educational Psychologist. Don’t worry if they refuse your request it’s very, very common and you will win when you appeal. Keep posting and we can all guide you through the process.
My Autistic child had demand avoidant behaviour but not as severe, I really, really feel for you. When we got his EHCP in place and moved him to a more supportive school, things improved a lot. The sensory OT we saw helped loads, but was very expensive, there are guides available online though.
I hope the meeting went well and that they’re being supportive.

This site is worth a read for advice -

sensoryprocessinghub.humber.nhs.uk/

You will be in the meeting now, but I hope it goes well. Follow it up with an email setting out what was discussed so you have a paper trail as evidence should you need it at a later date.

Even if DD1’s presentation deteriorated in the summer holidays, it doesn’t mean the difficulties don’t stem from an unsuitable school placement. It isn’t uncommon for DC to experience a restraint collapse &/or trauma response outside of term time once the pressure of an unsuitable placement has been lifted. A more suitable school placement will improve home life too.

It's also possible there was anxiety about school in the mix, we had a dreadful summer holiday with DS in between preschool and kindergarten.

We used to have incredible difficulties on holidays. This has receded a lot as child reached double digits. Summer holiday period can be v tricky for anyone who finds novelty hard. Christmas also of course.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/pda-and-christmas/

This may be handy OP. At least you can think ahead a bit about Plan B.

I hope the meeting wasn't too bad.

Hope the meeting went okay today OP.

The meeting went well. I think. I'll update properly when I've had some sleep. Youngest is still sick and 5 year old had about 20 minutes sleep all night.