Update to 'I don't want my five year old'

[icann]

I thought I'd start a new thread because the other one had 800 plus responses and I think the limit is 1000

Anyway we started a private assessment with a strong suspicion of autism and possibly PDA. And maybe even ADHD. We've had the first assessment. We were going to be waiting too long on the NHS and our in laws helped us out with the costs. We've checked its a recognised society and it will be accepted by school.

We had a massive issue which is why it's taken too long for a reply. She broke her arm. She refused to go to school and we have been pretty much dragging her to school. I need the break..unfortunately she threw a cup at my 3 year old and she required stitches to her face.
I reacted way too slowly to stop it. I should have seen it. My 3 year old was bleeding a lot, apparently face injuries bleed like crazy. I had grab my 5 year.old and I am not ashamed to say I physically locked her in the living room so I could phone my husband to get home now. She trashed the entire living room. Her arm needed re casting as she broke it. My 3 year old needed stitches.

We've reached breaking point now and this second assessment can't come any quicker

Nothing but solidarity to you, you husband and your lovely 3 year old. I hope you manage a reasonable day.

I've just been reading this OP and whilst I have no answers I wanted to say how wonderful you and your DH seem to be towards both your girls. They are both very lucky to have you fighting their corners.
I was wondering if a young carers group may be of use to your youngest, although she may be too young atm, perhaps it's something to bear in mind for the future.
Whatever you do, do not agree to deregister your oldest from school. It does sound as if her current school is suitable for her needs, however your local authority have a duty to find her one that is. Make sure you are getting all the financial help you can as well, DLA, PIP etc

Morning OP, sending you all the best for a peaceful day.

A young child I know exhibited very similar behaviour, and they became much calmer after being diagnosed as coeliac and starting a suitable diet. There’s likely to still be ADHD present in their case, so there are still challenging moments, but the really extreme behaviour has stopped. What’s her general health like?

Christmas day. On our maybe 10th meltdown. Eldest didn't want to open presents. Absolutely no issue. Youngest did. Eldest hated the noise of the wrapping paper so threw a cup at the wall. Taking it as progress it wasn't at her sister. Won't wrap hers up next year.

Youngest is playing downstairs. Eldest is upstairs with dad screaming. She wants the youngest to leave. As she's been staying at the grandparents she doesn't understand why she's back and doesn't want her here. I'm failing one of them all the time. I'm so tired. My youngest shouldn't have to listen to her sister screaming she isn't wanted but equally my eldest is suffering.

I knew Christmas would be different but I've had enough. I know you can't control the children you get and I was never bothered if I had a girl or a boy. I never cared and still don't what my children choose to do. But this is enough. My head is ringing from her screaming. I would give anything to make her not be suffering. I've had enough. And now to find out school basically passed the blame onto me. Took advantage of the fact that I've openly said I have no idea what I'm doing. Well it's all too much.

Loads of love and hugs. Parenting in this situation is another level and another world.

I hope you can pursue an EHCP as it sounds like this is essential to getting any needed support from school or in another educational setting.

Many institutions will gaslight and parent blame. It's easy to fall into the trap and not your fault one bit. You're doing the absolute best you can. You can't humanly do more than you are. ❤️

I see you and I am so sorry you feel like this.

You are trying your absolute best.

I don't feel like my best is good enough. She's been screaming for over an hour. I've had to come sit outside for ten minutes. My youngest is outside too. She asked me why her sister doesn't like her. She asked me if she lives with us anymore. I mean what do I say? I know it's not her fault. I remind myself all the time but it's hard.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s not fair on any of you. I think if it were me I would tell your youngest that her sister lives her very much really, she’s just feeling sad and very scared and confused and that’s why she’s saying unkind things. I’d reassure her that she definitely still lives with you and her Dad, she’s just staying with Grandparents for now because her sister isn’t very well at the moment. So you wanted to make sure she was safe and happy while you help her sister feel better.
I’m annoyed on your behalf that school have behaved the way they have, so you must be furious. Are the GP’s checking in with you regularly? When my son was struggling pre diagnosis the GP rang me at least every fortnight to check in on us.

I don’t think anyone would be prepared to have a child with these types of difficulties. You are doing your absolute best.

You can continue to advocate for your daughters, both of them, by continuing your efforts to have your eldest properly treated and remaining in education.

You are doing what you think is right at any moment in time. You can’t do any more than that.

Be careful with SENDIASS. Some are good but some are not and repeat the LA’s unlawful policies.

OP if you are on FB join the SEN parent support group.
It is a wonderful supportive community full of people who understand what you are going through and can advise you on how to deal with schools and social care in the best way.

I am a teacher who provides education to young people who are currently out of school due to many different reasons, but neurodiversity is one of the main reasons. If you need any help with school, just drop me a PM

Honestly OP, you are being let down over and over again by the networks that should be supporting you! Once Christmas is over it’s time to get angry and start demanding some answers and a plan!

• contact chair of governors and SEN governor. Why has DD been effectively excluded without any formal notice?
• is school part of a trust?
• get on to the LA - the school clearly are struggling to give her what she needs so you need support in finding the right placement. I hate that this is true but the squeaky wheel gets the oil when it comes to sen places - at least in my LA
• contact your MP

and by the way - wish I’d have pizza on Christmas Day!

The Facebook Group ' Not fine in school' is a wealth of support and advice. There are some incredibly knowledge people on there and many parents struggling like this.

It has up to 6k members at the moment which tells you everything. The membership to this group has doubled in the last year. I say no more regards how difficult this situation is for SEN parents right now. You will get a huge amount of support here.

I think the celiac suggestion might be an interestinh thing to pursue.. gaps diet... starting with bone broth only... the book by dr campbell mcbride might be worth reading

I very much doubt any child with PDA & issues around food would eat bone broth unfortunately. It’s so hard to alter diet for children who are Autistic.

I agree there are lots of very knowledgeable posters on that group. I also often feel there are some very angry, reactionary and unrealistic posters as well though unfortunately.

I don't engage too often as it can be overwhelming to see how dire this education issue is for so many in this position.

You do need to join a support group or a few - both you and your dh and your younger dd.. There are support groups for carers that have meet ups.

It's clear that the school setting is wrong but it's up to school, SS and the education authority to find the right provision, they cannot tell you to keep her at home. I would never homeschool either in these circumstances you need the respite. Do not let the school push this problem onto you.

Definitely, it’s depressing isn’t it.

OP could start to look at other schools though. There may be other mainstream schools that would accommodate much better. Obviously a specialist school is only available once an EHCP has been finalised though.

So sorry you're going through all this ❤️

This is good advice. It sounds as though MS might not be the best place for DD, although there are SEN hubs in MS schools and they can be good. (I’ve looked at a fair few - mostly full to bursting, so there will likely be a wait in which it will be important due DD to continue being educated in some form.) I also allowed a MS school to exclude my DS unlawfully. They kept saying “it’s best for him because he can’t cope”. I wish I had forced the issue more, but I was foolishly trying to keep the school on-side.

OP do you live near any National Autistic Society schools? Have a Google.

Yes but your best hope of getting alternative provision, EHCP etc arranged is if you remain a clear and current problem for the setting you're in - you should never take your dd out and have her at home to help school when she's a clear danger to the rest of the family due to poor school provision.

Looking around other provision is good but you need specialist advice and engagement of the current school to get there.

I very much agree that specialist advice is needed, but I wouldn’t bank on school engagement by the sound of things. So I’d forge ahead without them and make a nuisance of yourself with the LA. Beginning with forcing a needs assessment, with mediation if necessary.

That sounds like good advice @SendMeHomeNow - what a sad situation. I really hope it gets better for op. I still remember how angry and violent my dc was when the school was letting them down.