WWYD friends child hitting mine

[VerityFlowers]

Background info
A very good friend of mine has a 5 year old boy who is good friends with my 4 year old daughter. I help them out once a week by picking the boy up from school.

Incident 1
Last week there was an incident where my 4 year old was spinning around the room and she bashed into him by mistake. He reacted by punching her in the stomach. She was devastated and cried a lot as it really hurt. I told him "We don't punch in this house" and asked why he did it. He said she hurt him first and his dad had told him that if someone hits you, you hit them back. I explained that she did it by mistake so it's still not ok. (I actually don't agree with hitting someone back if they hit you first but it's not my place to say this to him as I'm not his parent). I let the mum know when she picked him up and no more was said.

Incident 2
A week later, I pick him up from school again and his teacher said he'd hit someone at lunchtime. I said I'd let the parents know.

When we got to mine after school, I reminded him that we use "gentle hands" in this house.

Mum comes over 2 hours later, I tell her about the school incident and she pulls him aside for a lengthy discussion.

Incident 3
20 minutes later, they're playing with some cars outside and he snatches one off her. She shouts at him quite loudly to give it back and he punches her again. Mum then makes him say sorry and takes him home.

Help!
I don't blame him - Maybe he's not enjoying his new class in school or he's struggling in some other way. It's not my place to interfere with that side of things and I'm sure my friend will work out why he's lashing out all of a sudden and will work with him to manage it.

The reason I'm posting is, it's my daughters party this weekend and we've hired a hall and bouncy castle. His mum and dad are working so I said I'd look after him and take him to the party. After the party, he's coming to ours for a sleepover. I am so worried he'll hit either my daughter or another child at the party. I'm looking for ideas to prevent it - especially as his parents won't actually be there!

Has anyone experienced a child lashing out physically before and if so, what would you do? Shall I follow him around for the whole time? Should I bring something else for him to hit if he gets angry? I can't really uninvite him. We agreed to me looking after him way before this behaviour started...

I'm gutted as I feel like instead of running around with my daughter enjoying, I'm going to be following her friend around making sure he's not hitting anyone :(

Thanks for any tips / advice. I'm curious to know everyone's opinions.

Get someone in your family to stay with him 1-2-1. It was a bit silly agreeing to take care of a child at your dd’s party but now you’ve committed you need to make it work.

Get someone in your family to stay with him 1-2-1. It was a bit silly agreeing to take care of a child at your dd’s party but now you’ve committed you need to make it work.

Safeguard your child and don't keep making her being around a male who repeatedly punches her.
Tell the parents you'll be too busy to watch their son and ensure he's not punching girls, so one of them will have to attend to supervise him. Don't inflict a sleepover with him on your child!

He used to be really chilled and it's not a big party so I didn't think it would be hard work. My husband will be there and we only have 1 child... The punching thing is very recent! Thank you for your advice though

Ok thank you for your advice.

How many kids are going to be at the sleepover?

Phone up the mum and say you’re worried you won’t be able to supervise him closely enough, would it be possible for someone to come with him.

Only him. They're really good friends and it was at my daughters request. He'll have his own room. He has stayed over before when my friend and husband have been away at a wedding etc. There are not normally any issues! Like I said, he used to be very sweet!

Agreed.

Your DD’s home is her safe space.

Her party is for her to celebrate with friends.

Personally, I would I only meet with the parent and child in a neutral space - park, soft play for example - for a while until it is clear the behaviour is under control, and make sure that both are supervised during this time to make sure it doesn’t happen again. And I would do the same irrespective of gender.

Why do people treat children’s physical and emotional safety differently to adults? Yes, he’s a young child still navigating the world and how to control his emotions and responses. But so is your daughter.

Would you invite someone who had hit you over to your house, to stay overnight, and to your birthday?

I think because he used to be gentle and she still at the moment likes to spend time with him (they have a lot of history - fun days out and holidays together etc) I've just been thinking of ways to manage it rather than realising that I just need to keep them apart until he's over this thing he's going through.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply.

I would give him one more chance and that's it. If he punches her again, no more playdates.

That would be teaching the daughter that you give chances to males who have repeatedly punched you. The age doesn't matter, the child should be taught that violence from anyone is absolutely unacceptable. It's OPs responsibility to protect her kid, not to provide childcare for someone else's kid.

I never thought of that 😩

My son went through a stage of biting, although was younger. I was devastated and did chastise and deal with it robustly. He still took 6 months to stop. So I have some sympathy, although dh and I were on same page.

If you are having him to the party/sleepover Maybe ask his parents to set a punishment before they leave him?

his parents need to sort- They need to tell him that he is not to hit/push etc prior to the party and if he does they have told you the punishment. That your dd will not want to be friends with him if he intentionally hurts her.. as he wouldn’t if someone was hurting him. Maybe ask him how he would feel if an older boy who is stronger than him punched him. It’s difficult as boys are generally more physical and boys in his class may be behaving like this which is re enforcing his behaviour .

It’s not ok op and you may have to stop the friendship until his parents have got it under control to protect your dd

What worries me is that they did have this discussion with him after the first incident. His mum told him that if he hits people, they won't want to play with him any more, he'll have no friends and he won't be invited to our house any more. It literally fell on deaf ears. After getting a huge telling off for the lunchtime incident, he literally hit dd again 20 minutes later! I do feel for the parents. They are taking is seriously but nothing has worked so far :(

It's weird as it's a recent thing, he wasn't like this a month ago when I arranged the party and sleepover! 😩

You absolutely cannot and must not have a child who is violent to your DC attend your DC's birthday party without the child's parent present so that they can ensure it doesn't happen again. And don't even get me started on a sleepover. They are aged 4 and 5 and you are encouraging your DD to have sleepovers with a boy who punches her? And by encouraging I mean you are allowing the sleepovers to happen in the first place.

The violent behaviour may only be recent but it is happening now. I would be telling friend something along the lines of: "look, I'm really sorry to have to say this but we can no longer have X attend DC's birthday and he cannot sleep over. As you know, he has been punching her and hurting her. I know he will be disappointed and he is only 5 but unless you are there to supervise him on a 1-1 basis to keep a close watch on him to ensure this never happens again, we cannot have him over".

And you need to tell your DD why. It is never OK for someone to hit us, you do not have to be around him. Set a good example for your DD now and don't just accept violent behaviour and allow your DD to be a punching bag for this other child.

Follow him around like a hawk at the party (or get your DH to.) I do think that small children are still learning to manage their emotions and to uninvite him/ not have play dates with him, seems rather harsh. He is only 5! But also, not punching anyone is important.

Ask the parents if there is anything they do that helps prevent this behaviour. For example, if the party is busy and loud could you take him outside for frequent breaks? 5 mins cool down every 20 mins or something.

Well that told me! I guess I'm still transitioning from the baby phase where a lot of them are snatching toys and hitting / tantrumming and the older phase where it needs to be taken very seriously as they aren't babies any more and should know better.

This is why I needed to post on here. To know if I was being over dramatic. I guess I wasn't. I really do appreciate everyone's opinions and feedback on this. It's given me a lot to think about.

Get through the things you've already commited to and are too late to change, make sure your daughter is supervised at all times. Then politely begin to phase this friendship out.

It’s your daughters birthday, she needs to be the focus of the day and both parents attention. I’d tell the mother this, that you want to focus on your daughter on her birthday and due to his recent hitting in school and at yours he can’t come unless one of them is there. She should understand, if she is taking it seriously she will.

Do you know the dad? Is the problem coming from him? To tell a 5 year old to hit back if someone hits him is ridiculous as the kids shown- he hit when someone bumped into him as didn’t get the difference. And now he’s progressed to hitting to get what he wants!

Thank you for your opinion. I won't be phasing out the friendship though, we've been friends for 25 years and her son has only been aggressive for a month. I'm sure in a months time he will be back to normal. I don't think a 5 year old having a difficult time and lashing out means he will turn into an aggressive adult. He has great parents!

1 to 1 supervision is the only thing that MIGHT stop it happening. And I mean an adult within reaching distance of him and down on his level at all times. They need to be close enough to block/grab his arm if he tries to hit someone. As the parents I would have already pulled him out of the party and he wouldn't be going anywhere outside school without a parent until this was resolved. Punishments and threats of punishments are unlikely to do anything especially if it's an impulse control issue. I would also absolutely telling him in my house that if someone hurts him you run and tell an adult, you don't punch. You can't tell a 5 year old to hit back, he doesn't have the cognitive development to know when this is appropriate or not. Did you tell the mum he said he was hitting in self defence? She might not know that this is part of the problem. Until they tell him that's not ok and stop reinforcing the behaviour of self defence this isn't going to stop happening.

I do know the dad. He's an absolutely lovely man. But he was bullied when he was in school and he eventually got rid of that bully by hitting him back (the only punch he has ever thrown in his life).

All behaviour is communication. There's a reason this little boy is lashing out the way he is OP. There's something you're all missing.

He needs a 1 - 1 for your party at the very least. For his sake as well as other bairns.