WWYD friends child hitting mine

[VerityFlowers]

Background info
A very good friend of mine has a 5 year old boy who is good friends with my 4 year old daughter. I help them out once a week by picking the boy up from school.

Incident 1
Last week there was an incident where my 4 year old was spinning around the room and she bashed into him by mistake. He reacted by punching her in the stomach. She was devastated and cried a lot as it really hurt. I told him "We don't punch in this house" and asked why he did it. He said she hurt him first and his dad had told him that if someone hits you, you hit them back. I explained that she did it by mistake so it's still not ok. (I actually don't agree with hitting someone back if they hit you first but it's not my place to say this to him as I'm not his parent). I let the mum know when she picked him up and no more was said.

Incident 2
A week later, I pick him up from school again and his teacher said he'd hit someone at lunchtime. I said I'd let the parents know.

When we got to mine after school, I reminded him that we use "gentle hands" in this house.

Mum comes over 2 hours later, I tell her about the school incident and she pulls him aside for a lengthy discussion.

Incident 3
20 minutes later, they're playing with some cars outside and he snatches one off her. She shouts at him quite loudly to give it back and he punches her again. Mum then makes him say sorry and takes him home.

Help!
I don't blame him - Maybe he's not enjoying his new class in school or he's struggling in some other way. It's not my place to interfere with that side of things and I'm sure my friend will work out why he's lashing out all of a sudden and will work with him to manage it.

The reason I'm posting is, it's my daughters party this weekend and we've hired a hall and bouncy castle. His mum and dad are working so I said I'd look after him and take him to the party. After the party, he's coming to ours for a sleepover. I am so worried he'll hit either my daughter or another child at the party. I'm looking for ideas to prevent it - especially as his parents won't actually be there!

Has anyone experienced a child lashing out physically before and if so, what would you do? Shall I follow him around for the whole time? Should I bring something else for him to hit if he gets angry? I can't really uninvite him. We agreed to me looking after him way before this behaviour started...

I'm gutted as I feel like instead of running around with my daughter enjoying, I'm going to be following her friend around making sure he's not hitting anyone :(

Thanks for any tips / advice. I'm curious to know everyone's opinions.

Gosh as the parent of a 5yr old boy who occasionally hits out, some of these replies are awful! Before I had him I had two girls who were good as gold and I would’ve been judgey too, but honestly you’re talking about a (very!) small child barely out of preschool.

Having said that, I never let anyone else look after my boy outside of family because I know he needs close supervision….there’s no way I would let him attend a party without me.

I'm so glad your dd enjoyed her party and the parents sent someone to watch him, sounds like they’re doing their best with the situation.

I think it’s perfectly in your rights to give the kid a bollocking if his parents aren’t going to. Sure he might have his reasons but hitting because he wants a toy is never never ok. He needs a good telling off. Then you can work out what’s gotten into him.

I have a ds5 and never tolerate him hitting. As such he just doesn’t (of course he’s tried it on). He’s gentle and sweet and girls and boys love playing with him.

I'd stop looking after him??

This ain't your problem to solve??

When I nannied toddlers, the only way to stop them biting people if they started was to prevent the situation where it was happening for several weeks. After that time, they had forgotten about the behaviour.
This is a 5 year old though. He's had some empty threats and hopeful wishes. At this point, I would firmly tell him that he must behave nicely, and that he will be removed from the party and sent home if he misbehaves. Make sure you follow through on any consequence you lay out for him.

He’s not a really good friend. How would you like a male acquaintance to have punched you and bullied you and your Mum in it’s him for a sleepover?! You are teaching your daughter how to put up with it and be the victim of violence.

Maybe he’d be less angry and punchy if his parents didn’t palm him off on other people all the time 🤔

Exactly. If he’s in your care then instead of all this ‘kind hands’ bollocks you give him a proper telling off. I wouldn’t have tolerated it in my young DS either. It’s no good making excuses for their maturity or the fact they’re boys - the message should be very loud and clear that they just don’t do it, especially to girls.

.

Yes, make sure if you're going to put her next to a child who lashes out that it's only a female child.🙄

I agree with this!
I think it’s madness you keep allowing him around- what is the final straw going to be op?

yes he’s young yea it’s not his fault but that doesn’t mean you keep giving him chances to hit your child. Grow a pair op.

id be saying to the mother due to recent incidences, I am not comfortable watching him now as I will literally have to have eyes on him you or your dh will need to attended. End of

Op why is your priority managing someone else’s child and not protecting your own?

yes they may have been close, he may have been sweet- but that’s no longer the reality is it?

You really are a wet lettuce.

This!!!! Please don’t teach your daughter that she should be spending time with someone who punches her. I would be very concerned about where this child has even picked up about how to punch! Children push and shove etc and even bite but I have never been in a situation where punching has happened…

Glad the party went ok. I'd keep a close eye on things and if it continues I would stop looking after him.

The first incident I could forget as he felt she hit him first so could have been a lash back reaction but the second would make me very cautious.

It's important you role model to your dd that she should never be someone's punchbag.(whilst accounting for for age )

Don't invite him. I wouldn't invite someone violent to my child's birthday party. I would never offer to look after him again. Put your daughter first or else she'll start accepting other people hurting her.

Edit: Just saw the update that he came to the party. Stop inviting him over. 5 year olds might push others, but they don't punch others in the stomach. He's repeatedly assaulted your daughter and you keep inviting him over to your house. This means your daughter's safe space is no longer safe and she is learning to accept being hit.

His mum told him that if he hits people, they won't want to play with him any more, he'll have no friends and he won't be invited to our house any more. It literally fell on deaf ears.

Of course it did. He has hit repeatedly and still has play dates, and party invitations. Very annoying for her to say "if you hit, you won't be invited to this house any more" when she knows you look after him to help her out and would presumably therefore be reluctant to stop because she's a really good friend. Plus she's palming off the punishment on to you to decide on, rather than saying "I will not allow you to hurt X, so I will stop you going to her house."

I would absolutely not, ever put my daughter in a situation where she was being hit by someone and then the other child being treated to a party and his own room etc. I would never put societal pressure or being kind to another child above my own daughter’s wellbeing.

i agree with having empathy for the little boy, he is learning and growing and is so young. It is not your job to share in the parenting load of his busy parents, but it’s certainly not your daughter’s duty to be his punchbag. Would you want her to have this sort of thinking when she’s a teenager or young adult. ‘He hit me but it’s ok because that’s what he was taught by his dad’, ‘he hit me but it’s ok because he does not know better’, ‘he hit me but it’s ok because he’s nice to me on days out’.

I’d be teaching YOUR daughter that it’s NEVER ok to be hit by ANYONE. That she should seek help immediately, to put a stop to it. Reassure her that you will always look out for her and make sure that she is safe.

He did a free martial arts lesson in school so maybe there..

Wow there was a lot to catch up on with these replies but I will keep reading them all. I had a big chat with my daughter about how hitting is NEVER ok, that he won't be invited round until this behaviour stops and to whoever called me a wet lettuce, maybe you're right! This is why I value Mumsnet opinions. No sugar coating. I need to man up and protect my daughter. You've all helped me realise how serious it is!

I do think whoever said he needs his parents to be present and stop palming him off on people, you do have a point. Some of it could be an attention thing. They both work full time and until late. I am lucky I don't have to. I do think they are good parents however they probably haven't spent as much time as me thinking about this.

Also just to say, when I told my daughter that he wasn't coming over until he's stopped hitting, she got genuinely upset. She really loves spending time with him despite what's happened. I really hope his parents figure out what's causing it soon. He's struggling in school a little as he's young in his year so it may be that...

This is an interesting perspective I hadn't thought of before.

Good for you op 💪