I want to be a Stay At Home Dad but I'm the higher earner

[HoldingTinyHands]

Hello everyone.

I hope mumsnet is for dads, too, at least I always loved reading it.

I want to be a stay at home dad. I have always worked flexibly so that I when our first son was born, I was lucky to spend a lot of time with him, change the nappies, feed him, read him books, play with him. Later, I took him swimming, took him to kids theatre, and went camping with him. These were such wonderful times, but the kids are growing up so quickly.

Our second son is still very young, and for the first year I also spent a lot of wonderful moments with him, but I was only able to take a rather short paid parental leave (my wife took a bit more but this ended, too). He too is growing up so quickly.

I would like to be a stay at home dad so I can be with the kids more and see them grow up. At least until they go to school. The thing is I'm the higher earner and I also feel like "I should provide for the family". My wife has a decent income, too, though, and we've got enough savings to cover a few years.

What are your thoughts on this?

If you can survive OK on just the lower salary, and you will be able to get back to work in a few years easily enough without much financial penalty, then I'd say go for it!

Could you go part time? That could be the best of both worlds.

Work the finance out with your wife, if she's in agreement and you can afford it, do it.
If she doesn't agree and you can't afford it, don't.

Working flexibly is very different to being a SAHD.

if you are at home all the time but your wife is working full time, are you happy to pick up almost all the housework and cooking too? It wouldn’t just be fun stuff, it would be becoming the default parent for medical appointments, shoe shopping, replacing outgrown clothes, hair cuts, buying presents for birthday parties etc. A lot of admin.

It will change the balance of your relationship. Do you want that? Does your wife?

how would you feel about being entirely dependent financially? Is her job secure? Would you be able to keep your hand in so if anything went wrong, you could return to the workplace?

How does your partner feel about it? I think any kind of SAHP scenario needs careful discussion first. How long will it be for? Who pays for what? Who does what chores? Etc.

Would a part time role or flexible working be an option? So that you are still contributing financially, but also get a lot more time with DC?

There are some big risks with one parent SaH for both parents, and the household. (and of course some different risks with both working). IMO both people need to be OK with the set up and to agree what will happen if one person changes their minds after a time

If for example your wife isn’t willing to be the sole earner and the drop in household income then the idea is a clear no go.

due to the risks for everyone neither DH nor I wanted this ‘model’ except in the case of illness of one of us or DC or DC with significant additional needs.

My thoughts are that your first port of call should be discussing this with your wife.

Arming yourself with MN posts to support what you want, isn’t the way to handle such an important issue in your relationship.

I think that just wanting to be a stay at home parent isn’t enough the family dynamics and situation need to make it so that is the best decision for everyone and is often so that one can focus on earning and the other can take on everything else

i dont see that here - I see two fairly even parents in terms of jobs and earning and that creating the above split would cause resentment

I would drop down hours to a 3 or 4 day week and maybe see if she can do the same so you both get to share the load.

you cannot and shouldn’t waste savings just so you can get an experience you want at the expense of a partner

Are ýou truly ready to be the sahp. The default parent and do most of the housework?

These kind of posts feel so manipulative. Funny he doesn't mention cleaning the bogs and all the less cutesy aspects of it.

What does your wife think about it? It’s fine for you to be a SAHD as long as you’re both in agreement.

Don’t forget you can take 4 weeks of (unpaid) parental leave per parent, per child each year - up to a total of 18 weeks per parent, per child. So if you have two kids you could take 8 weeks (each) unpaid plus you annual leave.

Totally agree that you would need to be prepared to most of the housework as well as looking after the kids.

Why are you asking our thoughts on this? The only person whose opinion matters is your wife, and you haven't said what she thinks!

We both went pt before dd was in school. Was a great balance and I think made dh and dd's relationship much closer.

There was a period that dh was a sahd more recently that's been great for my career. I've pretty much doubled my earnings in 4 years (although he's now back working ft and still out earning me) but it was great to just be able to focus on work. He also completely ran the house so he now does 50%. It was a good reset period and we both benefited from it.

Well if you’re the higher earner it would make more sense for your wife to be a SAHP, does she not want to to this? Can’t say I blame her, the long term implications of taking years out of work are massive. Not paying into pension, struggling to get a job after a few years of not working. How easy is it to get work in your sector? How quickly do things change, would you be considered out of date if you haven’t worked for a few years? Going part time or maybe asking about compressed hours makes more sense.

I know a few families where the dad was the stay at home parent. They all had the mum as the higher earner though, which is the way it makes sense. I would never advise anyone to give up financial independence, as if you fully rely on your wife's income, you become more vulnerable if you separate. Are you posting here because she has already said she isn't in favour?

I think this is the most important post on this thread.

Please consider it very carefully.

Ask your wife to write down every thing she currently handles that you might not be fully aware of (eg play dates, school admin - which often involves managing communicates across multiple apps, food planning etc)

You need to be willing to take that entire job on, as well as losing your future earning power.

There's a very good reason many women resist becoming a SAHM even if financially the family would be better off. It's not a good deal and it affects your marriage.

Why does it matter more what a bunch of randoms think than your own wife and what’s best for your family?

Surely it's up to your DW as well, not us?

But do remember that being a SAHD will mean doing 90% of the housework TO A DECENT STANDARD, laundry and life admin and not just pissing about on your phone in coffee shops and/or gaming and napping on the sofa whilst your DCs are parked on their iPads.

Nothing at all wrong with the dad being the stay at home parent (or parent who works less).

But I’m sorry, it doesn’t make any sense for the parent who earns more to cut hours. Unless your salaries are so similar you’d hardly notice.

I earn more, I work more. My husband gets more time with the children. That’s the way the cookie crumbles. I know I’m providing a nice lifestyle for my family.

Imagine the stress your wife will feel being the main earner, but perhaps feeling like she’s never earning enough? Always juggling bills, while you get to piss around camping etc. and knowing you gave up a bigger pay cheque? She may resent you. But only you know your wife.

To be fair most posts on SAHM would argue that childcare is that person's role during the day and cleaning and housework remain both parents responsibility.

OP my DH went part-time when our children were young and stayed home with them half the week and it was a great time which worked very well.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5168379-giving-up-a-high-paying-jobcareer-to-be-sahm?page=4&reply=138418663

There’s a recent thread on here you might find useful for some different perspectives (mum giving up work to be a SAHM).( Link starts on p4 just go to p1)

What are you wife's thoughts? Wouldn't it be fairer to both go part time? Could you step back into your career after a few years or would you lose it?

My first thought is what hours are you working right now and what flexible options does your employer provide? For example, it may be quite straightforward to do compressed hours and get one day a week or at least a fortnight at home for a "Daddy day" without compromising on household income at all. This might be a more balanced option than stopping working entirely.