I want to be a Stay At Home Dad but I'm the higher earner

[HoldingTinyHands]

Hello everyone.

I hope mumsnet is for dads, too, at least I always loved reading it.

I want to be a stay at home dad. I have always worked flexibly so that I when our first son was born, I was lucky to spend a lot of time with him, change the nappies, feed him, read him books, play with him. Later, I took him swimming, took him to kids theatre, and went camping with him. These were such wonderful times, but the kids are growing up so quickly.

Our second son is still very young, and for the first year I also spent a lot of wonderful moments with him, but I was only able to take a rather short paid parental leave (my wife took a bit more but this ended, too). He too is growing up so quickly.

I would like to be a stay at home dad so I can be with the kids more and see them grow up. At least until they go to school. The thing is I'm the higher earner and I also feel like "I should provide for the family". My wife has a decent income, too, though, and we've got enough savings to cover a few years.

What are your thoughts on this?

The argument the wife could put forward is she doesn’t want to split it so that she does all the work and he does all the stay at home it needs both to be happy with the role they have and I suspect his wife won’t be

both going part time and balancing it out so both get to work and spend time at home sounds best

I suspect he will be expecting her to do it.

I agree with reading the MN thread linked above, it applies to any sahp whether male or female. I posted on there, I have been a sahm for 20 years but Dh was the main earner and his job potential was so much bigger than anything I could achieve.

Never underestimate the monotony of the day to day, thinking about what is for breakfast, lunch and dinner every. single. day. All of that really does become your domain plus anything child related, as above, shoes, grown out of clothing etc. All housework you can do during the day too. I am incredibly organised as a person.

There are many, many threads on here about parents just losing the will to live even as part timers wanting to put their child into childcare 5 days a week, it isn't for everybody just like some people can work in a factory doing the same repetitive movements every day.

This isn't about being a man, this is about the novelty wearing off and the reality of day to day drudge and not having sick days or holidays because they are literally business trips for you

The problem with anyone being a stay at home parent, is that all your income eggs are in one basket. Two parents working PT is more stable from this point of view - preferably for different companies - I only know one couple who got made redundant on the same day.

Probably should talk to your wife and do a stint of not using your salary at all for a bit.

If you're taking over the house, it's the house as well as the kids. Most of the housework and all of the grunt work/ life admin. You don't seem to mention any of that.

Nothing better for a child than having one parent stay at home IMO. Gives continuity of care, a grounding of expected behaviour but most of all that sense of security that I can still feel when I remember DM always being at home with us. Go for it!

DH and I both work but I end up dealing with food

3 meals a day for a family is an absolutely mental load killer. During the pandemic I got really, really depressed about it.

I used to be a really good cook. Now I serve a lot of freezer food because it makes me so so miserable dealing with it.

I think you really need to maybe take a couple of months unpaid leave if you can and just try it out for that time. You might absolutely hate it

There was zero mention of this in the OP. I wonder if the poster realises homes don't clean and tidy themselves.....

If your wife is in agreement then I say go for it.
Do bare in mind that your days will not just just be filled with doing fun things. You will be responsible for doing all the housework.
I was a sahp and I did absolutely all the housework, including the garden and decorating plus cooking, laundry ensuring the dcs had everything they needed. Sorting through clothes/toys etc.
It is a full time job and as well as being rewarding can be extremely dull and stressful.

Talk to your wife! At the end of the day it's something you both need to agree on. Neither parent has the right to unilaterally decide they're going to stay at home.

If you both agree, go for it. Or do something inbetween, such as both of you reducing your hours.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be sole earner so I never expected it of my dh. The only periods of time I had at home was my Maternity leaves - and I agree with pp, being at home isn't just the fun bits; I did all the laundry, cooking etc when I was on Mat leave.

The only thing that really matters though is whether you and your wife agree.

Could you take a sabbatical?

So glad you noticed too - this is absolutely the same person