I want to be a Stay At Home Dad but I'm the higher earner

[HoldingTinyHands]

Hello everyone.

I hope mumsnet is for dads, too, at least I always loved reading it.

I want to be a stay at home dad. I have always worked flexibly so that I when our first son was born, I was lucky to spend a lot of time with him, change the nappies, feed him, read him books, play with him. Later, I took him swimming, took him to kids theatre, and went camping with him. These were such wonderful times, but the kids are growing up so quickly.

Our second son is still very young, and for the first year I also spent a lot of wonderful moments with him, but I was only able to take a rather short paid parental leave (my wife took a bit more but this ended, too). He too is growing up so quickly.

I would like to be a stay at home dad so I can be with the kids more and see them grow up. At least until they go to school. The thing is I'm the higher earner and I also feel like "I should provide for the family". My wife has a decent income, too, though, and we've got enough savings to cover a few years.

What are your thoughts on this?

It does read rather like you just want all the wonderful moments.

There's no mention of taking on the running of the house, grocery shopping, staying up at night with a vomiting child, doing all the routine appointments/medical appointments, cleaning the house etc, etc.

There's a lot to being a stay at home parent that is really quite dull and monotonous rather than wonderful.

There's also no mention of playgroups and giving your children the opportunity to socialise with other children. It's all about time with you that seems rather odd.

What does your wife think?

My initial impression is that you perhaps don't have a particularly realistic view. Going part time or condensed hours would perhaps give a better balance.

What does your wife want?

I'd recommend part time and I say that regardless of whether you're a man or woman. It's more of a balance. Full time childcare and housework isn't much fun.

Have you thought about the effect a career break is going to have on your getting back into the workplace later?

Although there are more SAHDs about these days, you might well miss the male company - you could fall totally out of the loop with your male pals; i can't imagine toddler group gossip being too stimulating for you!

I only know one man who did this for a few years. He did get back into work ok after a break but he said hd had so much missed the stimulation of work.

I know it's an unpopular, sexist view these days but generally speaking, many woman are biologically maternally programmed to be totally satisfied by nurturing their kids (i know lots aren't!)

But, for a man, this isn't very usual at all.

I would have a think about whether or not this is more about unhappiness in your current work and how it will impact upon your status, self esteem, mental well being giving it up.

If your wife earns enough and doesn’t mind then obviously it is fine. The only thing is what about when they start school? Will you be able to return to your career? Unless you want to be a stay at home housekeeper you need to keep your career options open which is why a lot of people choose to go part time instead of stopping work completely.

If you can do it financially and your wife is also on board, go for it. When our DCs were young, the company DP worked for folded. He ended up being a sahp for around 12 months and then part time for a few years after that. It’s something for you and your spouse to work out together.

I'm a SAHM, it's something I had wanted to do during mat leave with my second child. Fortunately around the same time my husband was offered a promotion and significant pay rise so it made sense for us. I wouldn't have felt comfortable quitting my job if I was the high earner or it meant we needed to use our savings to enable me to stay home with the kids.
Agree with what previous posters have said...what does your wife think?! If your salary is high could you go part time and still feel like you are providing for the family? Can you still live comfortably on your wife's salary?

I would love to have a sahd. The problem is most men do not fully take on the role. The wife still does most of the things the dad should be doing!

My friend was a stay at home dad. He enjoyed the time but found it hard and a bit lonely. He liked the childcare and cooking, found it a bit tough keeping on top of the life admin. He got a cleaner.

But he was shocked at how hard it was to get back into work when the time came. He did, but he had to study and do a lower level job. He is calso only just realising the full impact on pension.

So in summary. Great idea but same warning for any parent thinking of this - it's not all fun, it impacts your career, it can impact pension. This is why the majority of mums and dads are not sahps. It's quite an unusual choice. Something like only 1 in 10/11 mums do it and even fewer dads.

Having been a SAHP, I would say to discuss it with your wife, do you suns and see if it works out for you both BUT that I would always, always go for both parents working part time if that was an option. In our case, that just didn't work financially, but I really wish it had been possible because being a SAHP changed the dynamic of marriage very much for the worse.

This SAHP set up does seem to suit some folk till it goes pear shaped as it often does. Part time is a reasonable solution if this can be achieved and is affordable.

Less biologically programmed, more socially conditioned

But I thought MN position for Sahm is that they are there to look after the children and shouldn't be doing all the housework.

I find all the posters saying, "funny how you don't mention mopping up vomit or cleaning the loos" a bit disingenuous. How often do women on the "I want to be a SAHM" threads mention those things?

OP is being open that he wants to spend more time with his kids. That's great and should be encouraged. If this was more common, it would be less socially acceptable to be a crappy, disinterested deadbeat dad.

First, talk to your wife about it and look together at career development options in her field, so she could earn more. You might then both be able to drop down to a three day week - maybe either do long hours each for three days or do shorter hours over five days so you are around for school pick up and free afterwards.

If both parents can earn good money and choose to lower their hours and live simply to spend time with DC - I think that's the happiest arrangement. It's what DH and I did.He scaled his career down, I scaled mine up. We drove a cheap old car, never remodelled the kitchen of the house we bought, rarely redecorate. Our house is shabby in comparison with neighbours but we spent all our time with our DC and loved it. As did they.

Well, it really depends on your finances and your relationship, neither of which we have an insight in to! Having one parent stop working altogether has a big impact on finances, the material impact on what your lives will look like depends on how you spend your money now.

Having spent a couple of years as a SAHP myself, I’d counsel anyone to think carefully about it. It’s not just all the nice bits! I do not agree that all the housework is the SAHP’s job, that’s certainly not what we did, but it is fair for more of it to fall to you, along with realistically all the responsibility for the basic child stuff - appointments and so on.

It can be very difficult to get back in to a good job after - if you are able to take a career break with guaranteed return that’s a very different picture. You’ll take a pension hit. As a dad, you may find it harder to socialise - one of my friends went through this, some parent groups were welcoming, some weren’t, but he was the only man at all of them so even when they were welcoming he felt a bit out of place. And don’t underestimate the massive shift in your relationship.

Obviously you need to discuss with your wife. But there are other options to discuss too - part time, compressed hours, using your unpaid parental leave. It doesn’t have to be full time vs SAHP.

I'm the higher earner and hated leaving my kids to go to work when they were small, hated how tired I was and how stressed and all the things I was missing out on in their lives. However, when I thought honestly about it, I never wanted to be a sahm and I knew I wasn't cut out for it. I'm not great at running a home, I despise housework and I valued things like having colleagues and professional validation as well as the security of earning, saving and paying into a pension, also the ability to pay for a cleaner! I did go part time to get more balance, and now my kids are much older I work flexibly from home which gives me the best of all worlds. We did have a challenging few years balancing toddlers, work and finances but it was worthwhile. I would always think it's better to stay in a good job if possible.

How does your wife feel about this? Does she have any desires to be a sahm? Because obviously if you can afford for you to stay at home you could equally afford for her to be the sahp

I don’t regret the years I spent as a sahp but it definitely impacted on my career and pension.

I’m I am surprised to hear that it’s so rare now but I know a few couples where they both work 4 day weeks so only need childcare for 3 days for example

Interesting how the other thread says you should be careful you don’t end up doing all the housework as a SAHM should just look after children

while this one says you should be careful as a SAHD is expected to also do all the housework

Do you have dreams of making your wife 3 course meals and do you feel like Rosa Parks?

What does your wife think?

If she's happy to support it, then go for it. If she doesn't want to support it, then you'll have to keep working. Nobody - male or female - has the right to be a SAHP. It has to be by agreement with your partner. And if your partner does agree, it has nothing to do with anyone else.

I also find it interesting that your post is all about you. Nothing about how it would benefit the family as a whole unit to have you at home. This is just as importantn.

I would explore part time as an option.

I was a SAHM and getting back into the workforce is very very hard. If I had my time again I would tried harder to go part time instead. This would have been difficult as one child has SEN and we had no family support which was the reason I stopped work in the first place.

There are lots of factors involved in a decision to have a SAHP, not just whether or not one person wants to take on that role. It has to work for everyone.

What? Its their kids, of course they have the right to stay at home and raise them? The only argument the wife could put forward is A) they couldn’t afford it if he gave up his job and B) if she wanted to be the sahp, if they can afford it and she doesn’t want to be the sahp just her simply saying No doesn’t mean he has to keep working. Yes he should talk it over with his wife but unless she has reasonable argument as to why he can’t then he should go for it.

I don’t think being the higher earner should be a bar if your wife earns enough to support the family. I don’t see childcare as something that just defaults to the lower paid person- it’s important that whoever does it enjoys it and does it well.

But the thing you don’t mention at all is what your wife thinks. That’s the key.

I’d also add that all the SAHDs I know are gentlemen of leisure supported by their wife doing all the organising and domestic staff doing all the housework. That may not be you, op, but it’s worth bearing in mind that there is more to
it than looking after the children.

No, I don't think it is a right at all unless you're financially independent. If you need a partner to provide for you and your children, then you can only opt out of work if your partner is in agreement with this.

You can't just force your partner into being a sole provider if they aren't willing to agree to that.