Toddler is aggressive towards grandmother

[sarahoob]

My son is almost three. He is very energetic and well.. a boy..

When dad is around, he doesn't act up at all. When I am around, it's the typical behavior of knowing he can get away with more so he is a little more aggressive.. but the majority of the time I am able to remain calm and eventually calm him down.

Me and my husband both work full time and my mother who is 67 watches him during the day at her house. We cannot afford childcare where we are.

He gets SUPER aggressive with her. He will punch her, kick her, slap her, pull her hair. He has even broken some of her glasses. Both me and my husband have attempted to discipline him and tell him when he does this that he is being bad. I am not sure the reasoning for this, but it is getting to the point to where she might not be able to watch him anymore and honestly, that is worst case scenario for our family.

We have tried more naps, going to sleep earlier, etc. Does anybody else experience this or have any advice?

What does she do with him? Has she adapted her routine to an older preschooler rather than a little one, eg is he getting enough exercise /mental stimulation /interesting activity vs perhaps too much pottering around and just going to the shops that a much younger child is happy to do.

I agree maybe a part time nursery place would help.

What is your dm's manner with your dc? My mother isn't great at handling my children as she's too focused on small irrelevant details or spends hours cooking dinner /cleaning up the house /getting "ready" that they get frustrated waiting for the "fun " bit. She doesnt look after them often though.

What happens immediately before your child is hitting? You need to work backwards from there.

At 3, consequences for your dc need to be immediate and related, eg you through that toy so it goes in the cupboard for 10.mins until the alarm /timer goes off . You need to be consistent across your mum and your dp too.

Explaining to the day's timetable to a child can be helpful, eg we are going to go to your music class, then get the bus home and have lunch. We will have sandwiches and in the afternoon xxx. That warded off a lot of tantrums from my youngest.

A child that age needs entertaining, involvement, stimulation, games and play. It's highly unlikely that a 67 year old woman can provide all this. He's probably bored and taking it out on her. It's unfair on both of them, and it's a bit selfish of the DGM to expect to have him every day.

I find it weird that so many people think that a 67 year old woman who, presumably, doesn’t work and is fit and healthy is incapable of taking care of a small child a couple of days a week! Most of the people I know of similar age could, and did, do this successfully.
my lither is 77 and can still happily handle my 4yr old nephew!

The OP said they both work full time so it's more than a couple of days a week.

The child is also regularly lashing out and hurting their grandmother.

Nursery staff wouldn't accept being regularly hurt like this.

@Smartiepants79

I also doubt any 67 year old could keep up with my 3 year old son who is out for 6 hours straight every day cycling or scootering everywhere. I have a scooter because I cannot run next to him for hours on end every day. We cycle or scooter everywhere and stay out for most of the day, every day.

Can't think when I last saw a 67 year old woman on a push scooter 🙄

OP's son clearly needs more physical activity and stimulation than his grandmother can provide.

Is he learning behaviour at home? Your boy comment could be quite telling. Why is his father capable of subduing him?

What does him being a boy have to do anything? Why doesn’t he ‘act up’ when his dad is around but will misbehave around you? What does your mum do when he hits, pushes and becomes aggressive?

It sounds like the set up is no longer working and you’ll need to make sure his behaviour is corrected. I don’t think it’s fair for your child to be breaking your mum’s glasses, that’s absurd

@banthebiglight
our experiences are clearly just totally different.
My nephews and my daughters were on the go all day as kids their age are and my mum could keep up just fine.
She is, of course, not riding a scooter 🙄.
But there are plenty of ways to keep them busy and active without needing so spend hours chasing them down the street.

I also know of several of her friends that did exactly the same things very successfully.
This is not about age in my opinion.
But how he is handled and the expectations.

It’s not usual for a 3 year old to be out 6 hours every day on a cycle or scooter.

@Sinisterdexter

He is not scooting or cycling for 6 hours straight. He will cycle or scoot up to two miles to the park and then okay there for a couple of hours, then we will have a picnic lunch or lunch in a cafe, then scoot/cycle say to the woods, later on scoot/cycle to the shop and home.

My point is he is on the go for 6 hours. A lot of 3 year old boys in particular are like this and a 67 year old cannot keep up. Funnily enough that's why nature doesn't let 67 year olds have children.

I don't know any 3 year olds who would have their needs met 5 days a week by someone approaching 70.

I don't chase him. We travel to places together.

@Smartiepants79

Was she minding then 5 days a week, the equivalent hours of a full time job? So at least 9-5, not including a possible commute time?

When I am around, it's the typical behavior of knowing he can get away with more so he is a little more aggressive.. but the majority of the time I am able to remain calm and eventually calm him down.

It's not typical behaviour for a child to think they can get away with more with their mum. And you seem to think his aggression is typical for a boy. It's not.

This is not a problem with grandma as some posters have implied. It's a problem with you. You need parenting classes and pretty damn quick, because of he's like this at 3, you've got a world of pain ahead for you.

It would be good for grandma to go with you to the classes, not because she needs them, but so that you both respond to him with the same consistency and techniques.

It's clearly not a great experience for your son or your mum. You say you can't afford childcare but what is your plan b. What if your mum broke her leg- what would you do then?

We had to use childcare for both of my children and it was hugely expensive- I found that the people who who said they couldn't afford it were the ones who didn't have to because they had free/ cheap childcare available but they earned the same (if not more) as us folk who had to cough up.

I’ve pointed out that your son will qualify for thirty hours funded care soon, most likely he qualifies for 15 hours already. So I wonder if it’s a case of ‘don’t want to stretch ourselves when we get it for free’ rather than an outright ‘can’t afford it’.

Paying for private childcare is a huge financial strain for many of us, but often a necessary sacrifice in the early years.

He is probably bored. This childcare arrangement is not suitable and is not working. It has become toxic. At three he should be running around with other children supported by firm kindly discipline from energetic adults.

Absolutely this. People will argue blind that this set up is ok for a 67 year old woman and the child just needs his behaviour to be addressed.

At his age you need to meet his needs first and address behaviour second. For example, a 3 year old who is tired, hungry, desperate for the toilet etc is often unreasonable because they don't yet have an adult's ability to cope. This child clearly isn't having his needs met and so is lashing out. He needs more physical play than a grandmother can cope with.

Yes his behaviour needs dealt with, but not under the current set up. He cannot be left solely to granny 5 days a week. It's not fair on anyone. I don't know a single person who would have a childcare arrangement like this.

Ugh, the casual sexism is rife in your OP.

Send the kid to nursery, stop instilling that it's ok that he lashes out more because he's a boy and that his mother must be soft in comparison to his big, strong dad. Grim

How does your mum react to his behaviour? How do you discipline him? What happens in the lead up to him acting out? Is he overtired, bored, not getting his own way? Give more context and you'll get constructive help. You've only replied once and just to be sarcastic to someone saying you shouldn't have your mum left in this position. If he acted like this in nursery they wouldn't have him either. When does your free hours start? Thing might settle when he's in a different setting, but my gut says noone is giving him boundaries or consistency in response to these outbursts

kiwiane · Yesterday 17:14
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You are wrong to think this is normal for a boy; also this is too much for your poor mother and daycare is necessary and will help with his behaviour.”

This. So sick of the stereotyping. Our son has always been a very gentle soul. 21 now, hulking great big man and still the same.

I’m 60. I wouldn’t tolerate being hurt every day. This sort of behaviour is not normal for a 3 year old.

Not another thread where the OP just abandons it.

Probably a crock of shite in the first place.

Wow. I think you are the one being rude. Your Mum may get emotional about the thought of alternative daycare for your 3 year old son but frankly it would be a sensible option for all of you.