Toddler is aggressive towards grandmother

[sarahoob]

My son is almost three. He is very energetic and well.. a boy..

When dad is around, he doesn't act up at all. When I am around, it's the typical behavior of knowing he can get away with more so he is a little more aggressive.. but the majority of the time I am able to remain calm and eventually calm him down.

Me and my husband both work full time and my mother who is 67 watches him during the day at her house. We cannot afford childcare where we are.

He gets SUPER aggressive with her. He will punch her, kick her, slap her, pull her hair. He has even broken some of her glasses. Both me and my husband have attempted to discipline him and tell him when he does this that he is being bad. I am not sure the reasoning for this, but it is getting to the point to where she might not be able to watch him anymore and honestly, that is worst case scenario for our family.

We have tried more naps, going to sleep earlier, etc. Does anybody else experience this or have any advice?

What does she do when he does this?

You're asking an awful lot of your 67 year old mother to be a full time childminder for free.
Particularly with what sounds like a very demanding child.

Attempted to discipline him in what way other than tell him he is being bad?

I find it shocking that he’s gone that far to be honest, please don’t put it down to him just being a boy. You’re asking a hell of a lot from your mum. I bet she gets the worst of him because he’s with her the most.

How active is he? How are his social skills in general, has he had the chance to learn much from peers if he’s not in nursery? Does he go to classes, toddler groups instead? How is his speech and communication?

At almost 3 he will qualify for 30 funded hours soon will he not? I’d be exploring that ASAP to be frank, I am not sure this is an arrangement that is in everyone’s best interests to continue.

Is he trying to tell you something? If he’s only being this aggressive with one person ?

Completely agree. If she does end up saying that she can't do it anymore you really can't blame her. Who wants to be assaulted everyday. 3 year olds can hurt when they are aggressive so I'd be trying to find another option if he won't stop hurting her

Well it was her idea and gets emotional when the thought of daycare is brought up. And who said she does it for free? Thanks for your unwarranted rudeness.

I don't think anyone's been rude

There is absolutely no way I would have my dear DM caring FT for a child of mine who behaved like this towards her! Your poor DM. I can't believe she is continuing to care for him tbh, it's not fair on her at all.

What about parenting classes or books if your mother wants to continue as she is obviously not able to manage his behaviour.

Well I wouldn’t want to be assaulted on the daily for free or paid.

@sarahoob this arrangement isn't working for either of them. At his age being in a social setting might really help nip this behaviour in the bud. It's time to put him in a preschool or similar, at least for some of the week.

I don't mean to cause offence but his behaviour sounds extreme and not just an energetic toddler. Have you spoken to anyone about it?

Yes but even if you are paying her it still doesn't change the fact that your 3 year old is regularly hurting her and that's really shitty for her to have to deal with

I may be picking it up totally wrong but you sound very passive and detached in all of this OP. The boy comment isn't helpful either. Why does he get away with more with you and when you say you calm him is it from tears or aggression? Your mother shouldn't have to put up with this and telling him he's bad isn't helpful at all. Look at Janet Lansbury on firm limits for toddlers and preschoolers, you need to be leading him and it sounds like the other way round. He wants limits and he wants to know you're in charge here. As I say you come across passive in your post and your ds will sniff this out straight away.

You are wrong to think this is normal for a boy; also this is too much for your poor mother and daycare is necessary and will help with his behaviour.

Why does he know he can get away with more with you? Why does he not act up at all with his dad? What is his dad doing that’s different?
You all need to do the same.
Attempting deal with his behaviour when you get home, several hours after it happened, is not going to work. At 3 he needs immediate intervention and feedback. The minute he start being violent he needs removing from the situation and firmly redirecting to more appropriate play.
Please stop thinking about this being anything to do with him being a boy! He’s a child, who can be taught.

What actual consequences does this child receive for his assaultive behaviour?

Maybe if you give us some scenarios that have taken place with you/her, we could help.

No one has been rude to you, I guess they are just a bit flabbergasted that your child behaves in this way and how odd it is that he behaves properly around his father and no one else, and that it has been allowed to escalate to the point that your mother is being abused. That would indicate that in his usual life he is used to not being sanctioned for behaving badly around women?

No kid should be being physically aggressive, that’s not normal, you need to get him some help - which I think is what you are asking for - for the sake of your mum and also him going into school soon. There is a myriad of support online for this if you type in his specific actions and see what comes up and then engage with those services. If he is kicking, punching, etc he may need some specialist behavioural assistance.

OP - why do you think the child's father gets him to behave?
What is your husband doing which is different?
Obviously this shows that the boy is capable of reasonable behaviour, in the right circumstances.

What does your mum do when this behaviour happens? Does she have the authority and power, backed by you, to stop it? I think children of this age often go through a kicking/biting/hurting phase andit needs to be nipped in the bud. For us, it was instantly removed from the situation and physically put somewhere or we removed ourselves. There was ZERO tolerance. Interestingly, DS went through this phase and it lasted just 2 weeks. Two endless weeks of us barely being able to spend 2 minutes without him doing it. Nephew went through this phase and it lasted 5 years. And he's still not exactly over it.

Regular childcare by grandparents can be fantastic. And if you mum wants to carry on then that’s ok.
BUT she is going to need to step up and start dealing with him differently.
When you are the regular childcare you can’t be the fuzzy wussy, indulging grandparent you have to have routines and boundaries. You are parenting them. My mum had mine, 2 days a week for several years. They all loved it, it was very successful. She always understood that she was in loco parentis. She took her lead from me and and the same boundaries, routines and expectations. They behave better for her than me!! 😁

I echo everything said above, but also want to ask what his days look like at the moment? Is he socialising with other kids? Is he getting his energy out at the park/running around etc?

I don't think anyone has been rude but you must have realised that this situation cannot continue for anyone's sake. Your DS clearly needs more boundaries, stimulation, discipline? Than your poor DM can provide. She needs a bit of space to go back to being a granny that can have fun with her DGS and not look after him full time being assaulted.

It's up to you and your Dh to find a solution here. Does he get done free hours now? Time to look for a childcare provider. Reassure your DM that she has not 'failed' but this will be better in the long run.

As others have said, do not excuse violent behaviour because he is a boy. This doesn't do him any favours. Attitudes to women and himself/other boys can be formed at an early age. He needs to respect you and his DGM as well as his dad!

You're definitely in the wrong here OP. It's not on for your 3 year old to be 5 days a week full time with your 67 year old mother and assaulting her.

My mother is 60 and looks after my just turned 3 year old son for 2 hours one day a week (at most!) after nursery when I'm working later than usual and can't pick him up. He is an angel for her because if he wasn't I'd go through him like a ton of bricks and there would be serious consequences.

If she couldn't manage him then we'd pay for the wraparound care that one day.

You need to deal with it and if it doesn't change he needs to be in nursery or one of you needs to stop working until he's in school. Those are the only options.

Could child's father go abd observe for the day and sort him out. Sounds like he's the only one getting control of thus child.

I feel sorry for your mum, very sad she has to put up with this.

I too dont think anyone has been rude.