5 year old being a brat in the morning

[ltaleya]

DD has always been a pain in the arse to get ready.
Now she's started school and I have an hour school run before rushing to wfh in complicated finance and get an endless list of house shit done in my lunch break before the whole stressful evening routine.
She is awful in the mornings..messes about and acts like a toddler in the shower (can't have bath night before due to skin condition) and then pisses about getting dressed. She's perfectly capable of it but just messes about.
We've tried behavior charts, rewards, nothing works and the start of the day is so stressful and fractious..awfully this morning I lost my shit and shouted at her, which then makes me feel awful all day. But I'm just sick of it.
Anyone relate?
She's also low sleep needs so we get about half an hour a day to ourselves. I'm hating parenting atm.

Yes we told her that this morning, no play time or going to allotment later if she messes about.

Just to clarify the hour commute is for me, is 15-20 mins max for her driving, parking and walking to school gate.
Then about 40 mins for me to get to car, drive home in traffic and run to my laptop.
For what it's worth I changed my hours and job to fit in around school runs and be around more as DH jobs doesn't allow for this.

Not sure what planet some people are on with the helpful replies just to move house likes it's that easy 🤔

Agreed, like we hadn't thought of that.
Or the troll posters who have nothing but negative comments for someone who is clearly struggling atm

Why can't she shower in the evening if she needs a shower every day?

I think you're being a bit harsh. She's 5 and has just started school which is a big adjustment. You understood how the routine would work for months in advance before September with getting up early, the shower, uniform and school run, but even if it's explained to them a 5 year old doesn't grasp this until it's happening.
Punishing her because she isn't getting it right or doing it fast enough probably won't improve the outcome. Help her and praise her when she does things you're happy about.

We do praise her. And reward charts etc etc.
Her routine is exactly the same as it was when she was at nursery so it's no different for her actually.

Because as the OP has explained, she has a skin condition that necessitates a shower every morning, presumably with a prescribed wash/emollient/cream.

Thank you for posting this... I'm sat here with severe parent guilt trying to work but can't stop thinking about 7yo DS going into school sad after a very fractious morning routine 😔

No idea what the reasons were, other than tired albeit he had a good 10-11 hours. In the time it took him to take off his pj's and put on a single sock I had showered, dressed, stripped his bedding, packed the bags and got his breakfast on the table (constant reminders from me, of ever escalating frustration).

It was at least another 20 minutes for him to dress and brush teeth before he sat down for his breakfast.

I had to ask him six times to put his shoes on. Even when I gave him his liquid multi vitamins he didn't close his mouth fully meaning the spoon dragged sticky vitamins down his chin and onto his clean school jumper 😪

I too lost it and shouted. We had to run up to school and made it just as the bell went, but he then got quickly ushered in without us having a proper goodbye...

(He normally has enough time for a good twenty minutes play time at home before a leisurely walk to school).

@LaerealSilverhand

Yes I saw that, I just wondered why it couldn't be done in the evening.

There are certainly going to be aspects of the routine that can be made easier. I'd keep all getting ready contained to the bathroom. If she must have a shower then shower, brush teeth and dressed, all in the bathroom. Shoes at the door and a flapjack/muffin and a banana in a lunchbox ready to eat in the car on the way to school.

Well some jobs are more flexible and allow you to do your hours whenever, or do 25 hours over 5 days or whatever, and others don’t. I’m a teacher and could never request working hours which allowed me to do drop off and pick up every day 😂 I imagine doctors, nurses and so on would have similar problems. But lots of office type roles might have this flexibility. Perhaps OPs husband’s job is one which requires set hours for a very good reason and hers clearly has flexibility, so that’s why she changed and he didn’t. Not actually sure how this relates to the OPs problem though.

You've just said you're going to stop her playtime and allotment time because she is 'messing around'
She isn't messing around, she's a 5 year old who has just had a huge change in lifestyle.

I find the mornings incredibly stressful. I have a 4 and 5 year old. They eat like little birds pecking away and jibber jabber incessantly. It takes the over an hour to eat a slice of toast and a bit of fruit. We are lucky that we only need to walk round the corner for school. We do get it even before they unlock the classrooms but I'm still running around like a blue arse fly. They unlock the classroom at 8.45 and kids need to be in at 8.45. it's impossible when you have 2.

Pick ups no better. Last week I collected my youngest and by the time I got to my eldest class they had sent her to the main office saying I was late. I was there before the unlocked the bloodyain gate. They pissed around and my poor kid thought I'd forgotten her.

People talk about the terrible twos but personally I found age 5 much more challenging!

I have sympathy, OP. At that age, they are absolute masters at faffing around. If you are on a deadline, they sense your weakness!

For many skin conditions, washing and applying treatment at the beginning of the day minimises itching and scratching during the day, which helps with learning. It's also nice to shower off all the old cream etc at the end of the day, but unfortunately showering too often can exacerbate conditions, so morning showers/baths are the least worst option.

Op hasn't said what her child's skin condition is so how do you know your child has the same one to make any comparison even vaguely relevant?

Sounds like she's craving playfulness with her family.

Obviously moving etc is ridiculous.

My DD was an absolute nightmare before school (we home ed now, for full clarity, but we still do all this if we're going out).

Breakfast is prepped the night before or in a batch at the weekend to be eaten in the car. Often a croissant with butter or a not very sugary pain au chocolat to feel more like a treat. Or sandwiches. You can freeze them then take them out the night before.

Clothes - we all get dressed together in the bathroom and do our teeth together. Google body doubling: it's just easier and much, much quicker if we all do it together. No faffing.

For the shower, can you ask on specific help groups for kids with your DD's condition how they streamline showering?

Other than that, it's about the personal connection. As verbal as she appears she doesn't really understand how you feel, or what the alternatives are. She says she likes you being frustrated/stressed but what she means is she likes having your full attention and conversation. Can you talk to her the full time? Just stream of consciousness stuff like when she was small. Make sure to look in her eyes frequently, as weird as that sounds. Massive, massive praise for every helpful thing.

Good luck.

Op she's five, unfortunately it's congenital. That does not mean yabu for struggling. It's hard. My boys are 4 and I've a 9 yo with low level ASD. All at same school thankfully. I have to repeat every instruction three times minimum and I've resorted to dressing the twins just get it done.
I'm sure you are already doing most everything you can, just make sure DH is earning his keep too.

I find it stressful too. It’s the thing I find the most stressful about parenting, getting anywhere on time. It’s always triggered me. Makes my blood boil with anger. It’s the only time I ever scream and shout and lose my head. But kids are smart and very perceptive, they pick up on your stress. They act out for attention. They can sense when something really matters to you and they do the opposite because they are testing the boundaries. Also because they have to behave in school they let their naughtiness out for you, it’s like a pot boiling over. I have great empathy for you. Don’t dismiss the advice though, some people have posted some good advice. Maybe try some of the suggestions to see if they help?

Also just to add my stress around this stems from having a sibling who could not leave the house on time when we were children and my mum getting very angry/stressed every morning. My sister had ADHD and OCD so as a child would be delaying due to those conditions. Have you ruled out underlying things like this if it is a common occurrence? My mum never suspected these conditions but they are very severe now she is an adult. She only found out age 16 but looking back there were lots of signs.

You are stressed because you are trying to manage too much with the household shit and your job. You need to work out what household stuff you can do less frequently, do later in the day after work, or outsource.

Your daughter is acting perfectly normally for a 5 year old. My DD and some of her classmates, I know from other parents acted similarly and still act like that a year later.

Oddly when we sent her to breakfast club before we realised she hated it due to the person running it she behaved better as there was less time between her getting up and leaving the house.

BTW you aren't unreasonable in showering her in the morning. I used to have to shower then and so did one of my uni friends' for different skin conditions.

Personally it really helped me to lower my expectations for my DS. It stopped a lot of the arguing and back and forth comments. He is 7 year old now and still messes about getting ready for school but it has steadily got better since he started schoo;. We have about an hour from wake up to me needed to leave for the school run.
Only change this year is at the weekends he has to be dressed, teeth done and had breakfast before he can have TV. It seems to have had a knock on effect to making the week day morning easier. He seems to get dressed better now in the week as long as I get everything out for him etc.
From 5-7 years was a nightmare though. Constant reminders to put items of clothing on, to brush teeth, put shoes one etc. I'd have to remind him at last 50 times to do each thing and 9 times out of 10 then have to help him.