5 year old being a brat in the morning

[ltaleya]

DD has always been a pain in the arse to get ready.
Now she's started school and I have an hour school run before rushing to wfh in complicated finance and get an endless list of house shit done in my lunch break before the whole stressful evening routine.
She is awful in the mornings..messes about and acts like a toddler in the shower (can't have bath night before due to skin condition) and then pisses about getting dressed. She's perfectly capable of it but just messes about.
We've tried behavior charts, rewards, nothing works and the start of the day is so stressful and fractious..awfully this morning I lost my shit and shouted at her, which then makes me feel awful all day. But I'm just sick of it.
Anyone relate?
She's also low sleep needs so we get about half an hour a day to ourselves. I'm hating parenting atm.

Sounds really hard. What can you make easier for everyone in the morning ? Like instead of her dawdling over a bowl of porridge or cereal can you just give her a flapjack type porridge bar and a banana to eat on the walk to school? Can she have a shower the night before instead of a bath, or just give her a quick spritz of the important bits each night and proper baths on the weekend?

There will be parts of your morning that you can make easier. I'd let go of any guilt around that. It might be ideal to all sit and eat breakfast together at the table (for example), but during a tricky phase there's absolutely no harm in switching it up for something that makes life easier on everyone.

Does she need a shower every morning?

Is it a half hour walk each way? Could she scoot and you cycle next to her on the road to cut time down?

I would get her up earlier. My eldest has low sleep needs we get him up earlier as he'd mess about otherwise and usually miss his taxi for his Sen school!
That extra hour really helps him and so far since doing it he's been really good.
Could you shower her every other day?

She doesn't need a shower every day. A small child doesn't sweat and it's a complete waste of time in the morning. When I was a kid, we had a bath once a week on a Sunday night (after listening to Sing Something Simple on the wireless! And yes, I'm a dinosaur!)

I was also going to say drop the shower but maybe she needs it due to her skin condition? My eldest was bloody awful at getting ready in the mornings (and still is 3 years later but now I get attitude and slamming doors at well!) I'd try and get as much ready the night before. Does she do a breakfast club? Mine do and I've said before if you mess about in the mornings and don't eat breakfast you'll have to eat at the club or go hungry until lunch - I've followed through once or twice and that helped. I also won't let eldest have iPad or I'll turn tv off if it's distracting. Oh and she has school meals (not always her choice!) but I don't have time for packed lunches when she messes about.
Sometimes you have to get tough to get the message across

An earlier wake up might work. Maybe let her go downstairs in her PJs and watch CBeebies. Bring her clothes and she gets dressed while watching. Break all the rules you think are needed!

Starting school is a big change even if they've been at nursery, and it's totally understandable she's finding it a bit overwhelming and isn't brimming with enthusiasm to get ready and get there as soon as possible. Shes probably feeling a bit daunted and so is looking to eek out the time with you. The fact that you have an hour school run and a demanding job doesn't change how she feels.

We're going through similar at the moment. What's helping us is having as much as possible ready the night before and all in one place so that once we get downstairs there's no rushing about the house. Up, washed and into dressing gown. Downstairs for breakfast where all uniform is there ready to go on afterwards, school bag etc all ready and shoes by the door.

Get up earlier if needed so there's less rush, and let her know that if she can be ready by a particular time she can have ten minutes to play or whatever before you leave.

Perhaps get some new audiobooks relating to her favourite thing for her to listen to if you're driving so she has something to look forward to?

I agree with those saying she doesn’t need a shower every day (unless it’s special circumstances due to her skin condition) and try to dress her while she watches TV. If she gets really silly the TV goes off.

Right so we are semi rural so yes the school run is an hour. Local school closed after we bought our house. Traffic awful.
She's already up at 6am, it's not a time issue but a messing about issue.
Everything is ready the night before. She loves school and is keen to go.
Yes she does need to shower due to skin condition.
Not really looking for advice, just wondered if anyone else finds it stressful.

We also do do some one to one time with her before school normally but when she's rolling around on the floor and squealing neither of us really feels like it and are frazzled.

anyone else finds it stressful.

Absolutely yes! I'm a single parent twins are 3 and eldest 7 I regularly lose my shit don't worry 😂 mine also have to get up at 6am. She's probably a bit young to understand the stress of it all - my eldest gets it now - but only in last 6 months or so after me daily getting cross with her

Thank you.
She really seems to enjoy seeing us stressed in the morning! She has just told me so on school run. Nice

It's also perhaps a bit of attention seeking - any attention even negative attention is what she is after

I'd drop the 1-2-1 time - I feel awful how manic our mornings are but there really is no time for play otherwise I'd be even more stressed!

I wouldn't call her a brat tbh. She's just being a 5yo whose main drive is to have fun and hang out, not to care about your finance job. Look at the world through her eyes.

You need to find a way to reduce stress, she's not just going to become compliant and meek any time soon. I'd move closer to school, stagger/reduce hours, whatever it takes.

Not saying it's easy but you're basically demanding she slots in with your priorities and she's saying screw that. Because she's five. In lots of countries she'd have two more years at home before school.

She probably likes the fact that it's focused attention rather than the stress itself IYSWIM. Try making a checklist with the different steps that you can print off a load of. Each morning give her a clipboard and a pen and put her in charge of ticking off as you do each one. Make if a fun positive activity where you celebrate each step but ignore the faffing as much as possible.

We used to have very stressful mornings for the same reason. This year we have made a change: no TV until breakfast is eaten and she is dressed (she used to watch tv while eating, terrible habit from Covid times). A couple of times she’s spent so long eating or messing around getting dressed there’s been no time for TV and she’s been really irritated by that. The next day she was faster!

You have my sympathy OP. Mine was absolutely awful all summer, thankfully now back at school she is a bit less bratty but mornings are still a cause of stress. Parenting is hard.

I'm literally reading this as my son is meant to start school in 3 minutes and he's removed his school uniform for the sixth time today, and has done this everyday since returning.

School is a huge change for a 5 year old. It's very early days. She may sense your stress and then the situation escalates. It is stressful trying to get out on time when you've got work. Is there a breakfast club so you could drop her a bit earlier and get back in time for work? An hour is a very long commute for a child that age, is there no alternative?
The Sarah Ockwell smith books are well worth a read to help you understand what is going on re brain development with children of different ages.

This is a really good idea. Not sure if the novelty might wear off after a couple of weeks but it is a good place to start.

Much solidarity OP. This is a very difficult situation and you are trying so hard. It is not at all easy doing this by yourself, having to be accountable to work, shoulder the entire burden of running a home and getting your child and yourself to where you need to be on time.

Mornings are the worst all round. I think this sounds like your tolerance is low because of your overwhelm. Why is all the house ‘shit’ left to you to do in your lunch hour?

I personally would make life easy for myself and dress her rather than leaving her to do it. Make it a nice mum-daughter time helping her put everything on with a bit of giggling and blowing raspberries/tickling toes etc. it’ll be done in 5 mins then.

And if it’s an hour journey why can’t she eat breakfast in the car? Wrap up a bagel or fruit toast in foil etc.

@bloominstep
She doesn't have an hour commute, that's only me, but that's for your constructive comments