Overweight Grandchildren

[Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo]

Name change for this.

I need help in how to navigate this please as I am at my wits end.

I have two grandchildren and both of them are overweight, the eldest is in primary school and is in the 99th percentile and the youngest has just turned one and is hugely overweight as well.

Their mother was overweight as a teen and is still overweight now. I have tried my best to gently steer her down the path of giving them healthy food and plenty of exercise but it doesn't work. The eldest has a very limited diet and has far too many snacks.

It's getting to the point that I am seriously worried for both of them and the impact being so overweight will have on their lives. The eldest is a very pretty girl but has low self esteem, which i think is directly associated with her weight and how she views herself.

I know if I say anything to her, I will lose access to my grandchildren due to her personality but I just can't let this carry on. It breaks my heart everytime I see them.

Originally she was aware of the eldest child putting on weight but was assured by one of her friends that it wasn't a problem and that she could lose it easily enough by the time she started school, this obviously did not happen and if anything, she just put more weight on. Now, it is as if she has blinkers on and just can't see anything wrong, despite her having to source extra large clothes for her school uniform.

The youngest child is double the weight she should be and its because she is being fed the same amount of milk as she was when she was a baby, but is now having plenty of food as well. She has been told this by the health visitor and when I asked what solutions she would be putting in place, she said none as what her baby wants, her baby gets, it just defies belief.

I love them both so much and don't want their lives ruined but how can I tackle this very tricky subject without a huge falling out?

I think you should try and reframe this to a problem that needs tackling but without placing too much blame on your daughter. Our individual body chemistry is for the most part in control of weight. I was always very skinny, my son too and we couldn't have got obese if we tried. Now I'm on meds that made me gain 4 sone. I'm sure it's hypothyroidism and waiting for blood results. I'm fully expecting to take tablets for it and the weight will just fall off me again

Perhaps it is her daughter in law?

I agree with the pp who said you don't sound like you're fond of your daughter at all. I wonder if, when she put weight on as a teen, she felt judged and disapproved of, and that it made it a bigger issue in her head because food became a part of the complexity of her relationship with you, her mother.

Disapproval from a parent is massive. It can change the course of someone's life, affect their relationships with people, emotions, food, their own bodies. I was a chubby teen and I would have grown out of it pretty quickly had I not felt the disapproval/disappointment of my parents. I thought that if my own mum and dad didn't like my body, then it wasn't deserving of love or care or respect. I have suffered from eating disorders ever since- both dangerously overeating and anorexia.

I don't say this to you to be cruel. But your daughter obviously has a complicated relationship with food and weight, and she also very obviously feels your disapproval. I think that if it wasn't such a fraught issue between you, it would really help her to face her relationship with food, and subsequently the kids' relationship with food. She needs to know you love her, properly, whatever her weight. Because at the moment, the way you write about her makes it sound as if you don't really like her because she's fat.

This resonated with me. Lifelong issues here, created by a screwed up childhood with one abusive parent and an ineffective but critical one. No relationship left with abusive parent and failing relationship with the other.
Fortunately I've managed to bring my kids up without my food issues.

You can't put them on a diet and I agree with PPs about your mindset about this. If you really want to be supportive you could help add things to their lives that are conductive to a healthy lifestyle such as knowing how to cook, enjoying eating together, enjoying being outdoors etc.

When you have them over do you cook with them (not making thing out of it just making fun home cooked meals)?

Could you offer to take them out more? Maybe to very active places, or maybe pay for a sports club (schools have them after school)and do the pick ups and drop offs?

I was an overweight child (and adult) due to extreme food restriction as a kid after I gained a little (and I mean a little that I would have probably grown out of) weight (I ate whatever I could, my mum had me on what I now calculate as being probably a 500 calories diet at one point it set up a really bad scarcity response that I’ve struggled to get past). It was shit.

Whatever the state of my relationship with my mum my daughter being healthy is a priority for me. I actually think it’s neglectful and abusive to overfeed a child or feed them badly. OP said that when she has pointed it out her DD has ramped up snacks to prove a point, to me that inflicting damage on your child to get back at someone else and is pretty awful.

Tbh OP I think you are going to struggle to get through to her. I would get the kids making home made chicken nuggets etc with you and keep leaving food on the table. Mine has always been an extremely fussy eater but it’s slowly got better over time by just putting food on the table. Your son could always come around and help with cooking to make it an event, like making homemade spaghetti and meatballs.

I know theres a lot of sympathy for the daughter here, but as the daughter with the disapproving mother myself I absolutely did not want my child to struggle the same way I did. Nothing my mother did to me has impaired my desire to make sure my DD is healthy and has a healthy attitude to food. You can eat yourself to death but doing it to your kids is just downright irresponsible and I can’t understand why you would do it. It’s impossible to be that ignorant when we have so much information at our fingertips. I had to try to learn how to be a parent from scratch, it’s hard when you are dysfunctional yourself but when you choose to have kids you have to do it. Your own feelings or struggles are secondary.

I'm fully expecting to take tablets for it and the weight will just fall off me again

Good luck with that ... sadly there's millions of us who've been through this and the drugs just aren't that effective.

All been as I have a family member in the same situation sympathy to the original poster it's very hard

I get what you are saying, but if you are giving them junk then you are part of the problem.

You can make your own nuggets from chicken breast and bread crumb, it would be an easy cooking activity for a 5 year old to join in with. Likewise you can make pizza on a wrap or even on toast with some tomato puree, grated cheese and a sprinkle of dried oregano. We have this as a simple quick meal some days served with veg sticks. Maybe ask the child what vegetables she likes and encourage her to have some veg with each meal. Things like cucumbers and peppers can be chopped easily with a child's knife so she may enjoy doing this and preparing a snack for herself and her brother.

If they like sausages or burgers you can get some minced turkey and make your own patties and fry these in a tiny bit of olive oil.

I think the key is going to be recruiting the child into thinking about nutritious food. So you could serve them some sausages and say "sausages are tasty, but they aren't that nutritious, what vegetables shall we have to add some healthy vitamins to our meal". Even if its a bit of tinned corn or some chopped cherry tomatoes, it gives them the idea that a complete meal includes some veg. If they like corn, offer some baby corn next time. If they like peas, try them out with sugar snap peas. Offer something new along with some safe options and you can slowly expand what they will accept.

The fact is it will be near impossible to make any difference with your daughter, but you can perhaps expand what the grandchildren will eat and make sure they are getting something that is good for them.

Yes leave them alone to an early death, poor self esteem, joint problems, hormone problems, heart problems.....

OP there is probably little you can do unfortunately. I wonder what people would feel if the children were as underweight as they are overweight?

Totally agree with this. Look at the excuses on here already, it might be PCOS, might be genetic, perhaps mum has a complex and is trying not to pass it on....

When its clear the kids are being overfed and overfed awful foods. That is why they are overweight, theres nothing mysterious about it!!

And to the poster who said mum is feeling guilt or shame or helplessness, well she might not be feeling those things, perhaps she doesnt care. It is a fact that some people who are overweight dont really care about it or dont care that their kids are fat.

We just dont know

Exactly this. My daughter has low self esteem due to her weight issues, grandchild is now suffering the same fate and I suspect it is down to her weight issues as she possibly is the largest child in her school year.

I'm sorry, you seem genuinely concerned for your grandchildren 🙏 However I have to say that the way you parented your daughter has everything to do with her weight issues and, in turn, she's repeating the pattern with her own grandchildren. I'm honestly not saying this to cast blame on you, but you should aknowledge your own part of responsibility for the situation your daughter was in. If you can't do it, it will be impossible for you to help her break the cycle.
Maybe, if you talk to her with this in mind, and both of you can openly discuss her own weight issues (with your will to own your responsibility, I emphasize), she'll be able to see how to help her own children. You help her first, and then she, their mother, helps them.
Of course, you can also help them provinding healthy lifestyle example, but never with discourse or admonition: that will backfire.
Good luck, OP 💐

Is the youngest walking yet? That will help a bit.

I think it all depends how you frame it when you have those conversations. It’s really difficult in today’s food environment and with the busy lives mums have to prepare healthy nutritious food and to avoid all the junky snacks and convenience foods. That is why there are so many children with obesity now as compared to the past. I’m really into healthy eating, I read loads about nutrition and love cooking and I still find it really really hard to keep junk out of the house and not to cut corners.

I do think that allowing kids to become overweight through diet is as bad as under feeding them, but weirdly society seems to have normalised overweight which is part of why we are where we are.

Could you pitch it to your daughter that this is not her fault, this is a product of the food environment and life pressures and you want to work together with her to see how you can support her in helping the kids access a healthy diet. Try and engineer how the conversation is framed so that you’re both on the same side, both working towards the same goal and that you recognise that it’s difficult and you don’t want your daughter going it alone because that’s so tough!

is your daughter a single parent? Or do you have a son-in—law who might be able to be part of the ‘team’ that works towards that these healthy eating goals?

Its a little bit of you reap hat you sow unfortunately. You took the easier route when she was younger and she is now passing on those learnings to her children. Parenting is quite often as much about discipline and habits as it is about fun and friendship.

You dont say how old or able you are. Could you now start to offer that influence and help to your dd and her children? The opportunity to discipline has long gone, you have no right to tell your daughter anything and she will of course be upset if yo took this approach. How about trying to take the grandchildren swimming or something similar (I dont know what would float their boats). Would the older child join a gym with you? She may just be scared to start the journey. Become the interesting grandparent who is always arranging activities for them, even if its simply going for a walk somewhere interesting.

Start introducing healthier foods when they are with you. Not just salads but pinch of nom style fakeaways and currys etc can be healthy whilst hugely tasty. Educate the children that it can be fun to cook your own food and massively healthier.

I would be playing the long game here.
You want to stay an active participant in their lives you need to tread carefully. I would start by being creative to find healthy ways of giving their foods. Get them involved in cooking and baking. Get them out and about.
Play nice with your daughter and avoid confrontation so that you don't put her back up. I have a difficult relationship with my mum. A lot of it stems from food. It's such an emotive issue. For me it was the opposite putting me on diet at a healthy weight and her demonising being overweight even though non of us were. For my and my sisters it has given us a life time of issues.
My daughter is at the top of normal weight. Her BMI is usually between the 80-90th percentile and she is a normal weight for a 4 year old but is the height of a 2 year old. She is seen regularly by paediatrician and dietician who are more than happy with her size. I feel a lot of pressure to do better than my mum did and I wonder if you are feeling a pressure to do better than you did with your daughter? The brief breakup at a vulnerable time for your daughter followed by change in diets and then body image and the consequences of that. I wonder if you have ever spoke to anyone about that time? It must have had an impact on the whole family..

Knowing what my daughter looks like and that she is the top of healthy I see a lot of kids bigger than her and I feel for them. One thing I often notice is how ill fitting their clothes often are. I wonder whether there's a sense of denial going on about their size. I wonder whether this is another angle you could support your grandchildren with. Making sure they have clothing that suits their body shape to improve self esteem and confidence if they feel good in the clothes they are wearing? Ensuring they are confident in themselves will be beneficial in the long run reducing emotional eating etc. Speaking personally once I found my sense of style and cuts of clothing that made me feel good about my body really improved my relationship with food.

One of the biggest influences to poor diet is the parents lack of time, knowledge and finance to purchase fresh ingredients and actually cook it. This could be a win win for you and your daughter. She gets mums help in cooking, financial help with food and educating the grandchildren to eat healthier.

I can sort of see both sides: I was slightly overweight as a child and teen and my mother is of the type who thinks anyone a stone overweight plus, should "get their jaws wired".... Not surprisingly perhaps, we had/have a fraught relationship. She didn't feed me anything bad, my dad would buy me chocolate and when I was old enough, I would buy it for myself.
I am now an adult with 2 children and I am a sensible weight, even she probably couldn't call me fat. My DD is 19 and skinny now (her choice!!) but has been chubby in the past, my DS is very sporty but a much stockier shape. My mother has in the past, commented that they should not have pudding and also once pinched my DD's waist (a reference to pinch more than an inch from the 70s/80s). I went berserk at her but I have been careful with their weight; my DS is 11 and I encourage him to eat more protein and to earn anything like chocolate etc. Admittedly that isn't too hard as he loves sport and wants to join a gym when old enough.
I've probably not really said anything overly helpful but my advice would be not to pressure your daughter, she will push back against anything you see. Overfeeding can be regarded by some as showing love, also girls who have difficult relationships with their mothers can be prone to comfort eating.