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Original poster

Overweight Grandchildren

69 replies

Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo · 11/09/2024 21:55

Name change for this.

I need help in how to navigate this please as I am at my wits end.

I have two grandchildren and both of them are overweight, the eldest is in primary school and is in the 99th percentile and the youngest has just turned one and is hugely overweight as well.

Their mother was overweight as a teen and is still overweight now. I have tried my best to gently steer her down the path of giving them healthy food and plenty of exercise but it doesn't work. The eldest has a very limited diet and has far too many snacks.

It's getting to the point that I am seriously worried for both of them and the impact being so overweight will have on their lives. The eldest is a very pretty girl but has low self esteem, which i think is directly associated with her weight and how she views herself.

I know if I say anything to her, I will lose access to my grandchildren due to her personality but I just can't let this carry on. It breaks my heart everytime I see them.

Originally she was aware of the eldest child putting on weight but was assured by one of her friends that it wasn't a problem and that she could lose it easily enough by the time she started school, this obviously did not happen and if anything, she just put more weight on. Now, it is as if she has blinkers on and just can't see anything wrong, despite her having to source extra large clothes for her school uniform.

The youngest child is double the weight she should be and its because she is being fed the same amount of milk as she was when she was a baby, but is now having plenty of food as well. She has been told this by the health visitor and when I asked what solutions she would be putting in place, she said none as what her baby wants, her baby gets, it just defies belief.

I love them both so much and don't want their lives ruined but how can I tackle this very tricky subject without a huge falling out?

OP posts:
Absoloo · 11/09/2024 21:56

If the mum was overweight as a teen then you were in the same position as her and you didn't manage to 'fix' your daughter.

Leave your grandkids alone

LaurieFairyCake · 11/09/2024 21:56

"Their mother" ?

So not your daughter?

What does your son say then? Why is it about her and not him?

cannynotsay · 11/09/2024 21:57

Please help them, please. I was a fat mid and wish someone told my mum

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Putmeinsummer · 11/09/2024 21:58

What does your son have to say?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 22:01

Is your son the father? If so, why doesn't any of your blame fall on him? It's all the mother's fault?

mychilddeservesaneducation · 11/09/2024 22:01

Absoloo · 11/09/2024 21:56

If the mum was overweight as a teen then you were in the same position as her and you didn't manage to 'fix' your daughter.

Leave your grandkids alone

I'm assuming that the OP is the children's father's mother not the mother's mother.

Original poster
Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo · 11/09/2024 22:12

No, she is my daughter. I did my best for her and she was a normal weight until she hit her teens and then she put a lot of weight on very quickly.

Please be kind, I am asking for help in how to navigate this, not on how I parented her as a teen. Its because I have seen the struggles she has gone through, that I don't want the same for my grandchildren.

I am surprised she is doing this, knowing how she struggled with her own weight, I would have thought she would have done the opposite.

OP posts:
HerewegoagainSS · 11/09/2024 22:15

Putmeinsummer · 11/09/2024 21:58

What does your son have to say?

If she is as volatile as the OP is implying, and would ban access in the blink of an eye for anyone who dares cross her (of course we only have her side of it), the husband (OP's SIL) is probably terrified of her and does the whole 'you/they are fine as you/they are dear'.

Poor poor kids. Being a fat adult is on you. Allowing your kids to get porky is as cruel as letting them starve and be undernourished and skinny.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 22:15

From what you've written, you clearly have a very fractured relationship with your daughter. The divide between you is very apparent. It is probably best if you keep your opinions and observations to yourself.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 11/09/2024 22:16

I wish I had some advice, but it's hard to make someone listen if they don't want to. There was a thread a while back where a primary school teacher said so many of the kids couldn't run 100 metres because they were overweight. I think we're stirring up trouble for the future. Is there someone else who she would listen to? Some other friend or relative?

thismummydrinksgin · 11/09/2024 22:20

I would suggest she knows they are overweight and knows they should be eating healthy but for whatever reason is not acting on it. I'm not sure you can do much other than, making sure they are active if you ever look after them. X

Original poster
Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo · 11/09/2024 22:22

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 11/09/2024 22:16

I wish I had some advice, but it's hard to make someone listen if they don't want to. There was a thread a while back where a primary school teacher said so many of the kids couldn't run 100 metres because they were overweight. I think we're stirring up trouble for the future. Is there someone else who she would listen to? Some other friend or relative?

No, I don't think so. Her brother is just as horrified as I am but also doesn't want to fall out as he adores both children. Her friends are not the best at giving advice so I feel it's really all on me to somehow navigate this. We have a difficult relationship and I walk on eggshells around her. Sometimes I see a spark of recognition that this isn't the way to bring them up and she starts star charts etc but then it falls by the wayside and we are back to square one.

i am just looking for advice on how to approach it diplomatically.

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 11/09/2024 22:22

are you sure she’s not aware and doing something but doesn’t want you involved in it? I know the mother/daughter relationship can be very difficult. Have you asked her how she feels about their weight?

toomuchcardboard · 11/09/2024 22:23

If your daughter was overweight as well then it could be genetic. Was her father's mother overweight? For instance myself and my daughter have both inherited PCOS and associated weight problems from my father.

Original poster
Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo · 11/09/2024 22:24

Newsenmum · 11/09/2024 22:22

are you sure she’s not aware and doing something but doesn’t want you involved in it? I know the mother/daughter relationship can be very difficult. Have you asked her how she feels about their weight?

She is very aware, but hasn't done anything about it. In the past, if I brought it up, she went the other way and gave the eldest more snacks in defiance I think, just to prove that I couldn't tell her what to do.

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 11/09/2024 22:24

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 22:15

From what you've written, you clearly have a very fractured relationship with your daughter. The divide between you is very apparent. It is probably best if you keep your opinions and observations to yourself.

I agree that really you need to work on whatever these issues are before you can begin to make a difference here. She absolutely is aware of their weight and even more aware of your opinions. If anything, I feel like you should go the opposite way. Act like it’s not a big deal,them being overweight isn’t important to you. You love them as they are. Make that clear. Any chance she is being obtuse to not give in to what she thinks you want?

Original poster
Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo · 11/09/2024 22:25

toomuchcardboard · 11/09/2024 22:23

If your daughter was overweight as well then it could be genetic. Was her father's mother overweight? For instance myself and my daughter have both inherited PCOS and associated weight problems from my father.

Edited

It is a direct effect of her giving them both too much food, as confirmed by the health visitor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo · 11/09/2024 22:26

Newsenmum · 11/09/2024 22:24

I agree that really you need to work on whatever these issues are before you can begin to make a difference here. She absolutely is aware of their weight and even more aware of your opinions. If anything, I feel like you should go the opposite way. Act like it’s not a big deal,them being overweight isn’t important to you. You love them as they are. Make that clear. Any chance she is being obtuse to not give in to what she thinks you want?

Edited
Show quote history

yes, 100%

OP posts:
Hopebridge · 11/09/2024 22:28

Has she had no intervention when the youngest has seen the health visitor? I know they also do the height and weight check in year 6 at school. You can opt out of this.

It's a very difficult cycle to be in and I have seen it in my family. Unfortunately unless your daughter wants help it's very difficult to navigate.

With regard to the children I'm sure she is very aware but feels unsure of what to do. Im sure some food swaps and changes would make a significant change. Maybe you could buy some groceries (if able) with some healthier options.

Also suggest some activities that the children can get involved in to get them moving and keep them healthy.

CrouchingTigerHiddenChocolate · 11/09/2024 22:32

It sounds like there's a really unhealthy dynamic between you and your dd.

It's probably best you concentrate on working on the relationship between the two of you.

You can't support her in having decent boundries with her dc if you haven't modelled that with her in the first place.

The HV has noticed and is involved with the kids. The school will also be doing lots of work on healthy eating and healthy bodies as well.

YogaForDummies · 11/09/2024 22:32

As hard at it is it's an emotional issue so you have to treat lightly. Why not offer to take the children swimming regularly or something like that? Taking them for a walk? Any amount of exercise will keep them fit even if they are carrying extra weight.

99RedBallonz · 11/09/2024 22:32

It's a shame but without the parents buy in there is probably only a limited amount you can do.

The eldest one should be having healthy eating topics in school, maybe you can tap into this and broaden her options of healthy snacks? Can you invite them over more and have the older one help make some meals with you? I find my kids are more willing to try things when they have been involved in the preparation.

Maybe you could take her to junior park run each week or take her out on her bike, or even offer to pay for an after school club or swimming lesson?

RogueFemale · 11/09/2024 22:34

I can't really see how you can change things. Your daughter is overweight and doesn't regard it as a problem. Having overweight children might be helping to normalise it? But your daughter is an adult and it's her choice if she doesn't want to lose weight - the children, however... I'd agree with a PP how about offering to pay for dance classes or similar?

MissyB1 · 11/09/2024 22:37

You just have to hope the HV and maybe school nurse keep monitoring the children. Meantime when you see them provide healthy food. What a shame your dd won't listen to the professionals and help her kids.

Newsenmum · 11/09/2024 22:40

Also I would be very careful to not mention your daughter’s weight at all.

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