Overweight Grandchildren

[Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo]

Name change for this.

I need help in how to navigate this please as I am at my wits end.

I have two grandchildren and both of them are overweight, the eldest is in primary school and is in the 99th percentile and the youngest has just turned one and is hugely overweight as well.

Their mother was overweight as a teen and is still overweight now. I have tried my best to gently steer her down the path of giving them healthy food and plenty of exercise but it doesn't work. The eldest has a very limited diet and has far too many snacks.

It's getting to the point that I am seriously worried for both of them and the impact being so overweight will have on their lives. The eldest is a very pretty girl but has low self esteem, which i think is directly associated with her weight and how she views herself.

I know if I say anything to her, I will lose access to my grandchildren due to her personality but I just can't let this carry on. It breaks my heart everytime I see them.

Originally she was aware of the eldest child putting on weight but was assured by one of her friends that it wasn't a problem and that she could lose it easily enough by the time she started school, this obviously did not happen and if anything, she just put more weight on. Now, it is as if she has blinkers on and just can't see anything wrong, despite her having to source extra large clothes for her school uniform.

The youngest child is double the weight she should be and its because she is being fed the same amount of milk as she was when she was a baby, but is now having plenty of food as well. She has been told this by the health visitor and when I asked what solutions she would be putting in place, she said none as what her baby wants, her baby gets, it just defies belief.

I love them both so much and don't want their lives ruined but how can I tackle this very tricky subject without a huge falling out?

The thing is she’s obviously got such an issue with her mother she will see through this. She almost needs to let it all go. Trust her daughter and show her that.

I have the eldest after school now and then and they come to us for tea. Unfortunately because they have a limited diet ( eats chicken nuggets type food daily at home, always some form of fried food etc) I am limited in what I can do for them while they are here. I eat healthily and they see that, I encourage them to try new foods every single time they are here and sometimes, I am successful. Not tea things, but fruit etc after they have had their "normal for them tea"
If I suggested they eat a normal tea with me and grandad, the daughter would not agree and I don't want to make time with us a fractious and anxious time for the grandchild.

Why did your daughter gain weight as a teen? What kind of eating habits were modelled to your daughter when she was young? These things can be quite deeply rooted.

How tall are the girls? Why aren’t you offering her more childcare so you can take the kids out for ‘fun stuff’ that burns calories - eg softplay / park / playground / biking after school? Why don’t you have them for dinner more often during school nights to ‘give mum a break’ and ensure they eat good food.

A fat mother nearly always raises fat children. Those children can eventually lose weight but it’s painful. You need to assume she has no idea how to do this and so discretely come in with offers of help without ever mentioning the weight. If you’re not in a position to do that or your dd doesn’t trust you then you can’t do anything

My thinking would be that tact will be very important here given that your relationship can be a bit fraught and it sounds like weight and diet is maybe a sore spot for your dd in general. Could you offer to support the kids in a different way and pay for them to join an active club/ hobby like gymnastics/ swimming club/ rugby suited to their interests?

I think sometimes parents can find it hard to say no, they see it as their way of showing love. Is it possible that your dd struggles with the difficult relationship she has with you and is now very scared of having a negative relationship with her kids so she's giving in to them all the time. Or perhaps her mental health isn't in a great place and she feels burnt out and giving the kids food and snacks keeps them quiet for a while so she gets some space - she might not feel like she has the tools or resilience to say no because that also means redirecting and distracting?

I'd be inclined to offer her regular babysitting and maybe for them all to come round for dinner a night a week to take a bit off her shoulders and means the kids have a decent meal that evening. I think I'd go down the route of telling her directly that you think she's a great mum and you see how much she does for her kids and you wondered how you can better support her and them as a grandparent and see what she says.

Ultimately if the hv is involved and is giving her info then there's nothing you can say that will change this for her. What you need to identify is why when she starts to make a change, do the wheels fall off. And then help her with that.

I don't refer to it, I have learnt that lesson the hard way.

If you have shown concern about your daughter’s weight in the past maybe it’s given her a complex. Maybe she doesn’t want to pass that on to her children.

The other thing I'm wondering is if your gc have any sensory issues as that can make getting them to eat a range of foods quite difficult.

I made them healthy meals growing up, meat and two veg and plenty of fruit, very limited snacks etc. We split for 3 months when she was a teen and this probably triggered it but at the same time, when she was with her dad, he made her fried food and made no effort to eat healthy so it started then. When we got back together, she was already down the road of liking pizza and fried stuff and had her own money by then so would go off and buy her own. He was not on board with giving her healthy food so my hands were tied.

Very well written and perceptive, 100% spot on I think.

I think I would try encouraging the older granddaughter to experiment with cooking with you, when she's over for tea.

My mother was like your daughter, clueless about healthy eating, and as a consequence I was often fat as a child. It didn't make me feel happy.

But I had no idea or clue about healthy recipes, and this continued into my 20s. So, I think it might help to teach the older granddaughter about making nice healthy food, as a fun thing and stealthily educating her.

What jumps out here is the dynamic between you and your daughter. You seem very critical of her - virtually everything you've written about her is negative. You need to repair that relationship before you'll be in any position to express your thoughts about her parenting without it making things worse.

Think about your daughter - what do you like, admire, respect about her? Find ways to tell her and show her that there are things she's doing well and that she deserves praise and celebration. If all someone hears is criticism then it's hard to have a constructive discussion.

Your daughter almost certainly knows her children are overweight and probably feels that it's one more stick of criticism that you and others can beat her with, while feeling a lot of guilt, shame and helplessness. What would probably help would be to recognise and give positive feedback about the bits of parenting that she's doing well.

A healthy lifestyle in childhood can be really beneficial, and it's important to try to support your daughter and grandchildren. You can't control what they do, but you could try to include healthier diet and activity choices when you are around. For example, teaching them how to cook healthier meals in cooking sessions, not having junk food at your house, going for walks and park trips, agreeing to support them doing a hobby like swimming (which is easy to justy as a life skill). Be a good example for them and they may start making healthier choices themselves.

My dread is that the grandchild will ask me why I didn't do more to stop it when they are grown. I am just so upset by it all, the youngest is so heavy that i can hardly lift them and they are still only a baby.

I am critical because I can see what she is doing to my innocent grandchildren. I love my daughter and tell her constantly that I love her. I don't criticise her to her face, only in my thoughts and to my husband, however I agree with a lot of your post, you talk a lot of sense.

Unfortunately that isn't the case, she has said within my hearing that the grandchild cannot have "whatever" because she is "big enough" already.

I've been an overweight child due to my mother's ignorance and neglect, and I wish there had been other responsible adults around to step in and stop it. So I think you are right to be so concerned. There is far too much normalising of obesity and a pretence that it's not caused by a poor, high calorie diet of ultra processed food.

Letting your kids grow to be grossly overweight is a form of child abuse.

@Ihavenoclueaboutwhattodo Teach the elder child about making/cooking healthy food. Take her to exercise classes of any kind.

Make the cooking lessons so delicious that she rejects the crap she's being fed at home.

Agreed.

Maybe try a "buffet" type tea at your house. Tell them the shop had run out of nuggets. Little bowls of everything cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, avo, deli meats, olives ( a lot of kids looooove them) chopped roast chicken, sauces. Give them a nice soft wrap and tell them to help themselves and show them how to roll it up. It might work. One of mine was a very fussy eater until 6 but this type of thing worked in the end. Also random things like subway ( I know, I know) but it was something different at least. Sweet potato chips were another winner.

Could you contact the health visitor directly, say you want to keep your concerns anonymous but ask them to follow up with her with regards to the children's health and their own concerns, so it looks like it's coming from them rather than you?

I wouldn't know how or who she was, how would I find that out?

Lovely idea.

ask granddaughter to help you with a fitness watch or app on your phone, tell her you want to improve fitness and set it up in your watch, & phone - bmi, calories, steps … get her in a dialogue. Ask her to help you because you don’t know how.

Set an example of healthy living
and sure your house is free of junk, she if you can do things with older girl that are helping you. Play dumb about how much sugar is in that? Ask her …. Where does weight go when you are losing weight?? Help educate her to make own choices.

There is no way for you to get the angry mum to change, the best you can do is be there for grandchildren.

Good lord don't do this. Would the HV even be allowed to discuss this with you if you don't have parental responsibility?