When someone tries to discipline your child without your permission

[MonaRosa]

Hi All

My six year old has several challenges and is currently on the pathway for an autism assessment and also awaiting the results of some genetic testing. It has been more than 2 years since I first visited the GP with concerns. So this has been a tough couple of years for us, to say the least.

I dont know if he has autism or not, but he is on school’s SEN list and we are hoping his ASD assessment will happen before the end of the year.

Here is what upset me today. We were invited to a family barbecue, which I went with my son. I do love my family, but at times these events make me feel like an inadequate parent.

My cousins has kids (a bit younger than mine) and they are very much by the book in the way they raise their kids. Strict routines, sweets only allowed on very rare occasions etc. With the challenges with my son, all of that is out of the window!! That makes me very self conscious as a parent.

The last couple of times we have been with the family, my son started by playing nicely with my cousins’ kids, but ended up getting overwhelmed after couple of hours in full tantrum mode.

On both occasions, I feel like one of my cousin’s husband treated my son badly.

Today, his little cousin was provoking him quite a bit, and my son ended up hitting him with a ball. I know that’s really bad, but I think what my cousin’s husband then did it soooo unacceptable. Despite me being there, and trying to get my son to say sorry (which he refused in full tantrum and trying to hit me), the husband intervened and tightly held my son (very very tightly!!! ), without my permission or even bothering checking if I wanted him to.

I am so upset that he thinks this is OK, and upset with myself that I didn’t confront him.

I said, please let me deal with him, he is very overwhelmed. And his answer was “if you say so” with a hint of sarcasm.

I felt judged for failing to discipline my child. But I am now more upset that I didn’t say to him that he shouldn’t do that to my child.

What would you have done? This now makes me not to want to go these family gatherings as all the other children seem son”normal” and my son so “misbehaved”.

I am sure you can tell how upset I am, and questioning myself as a mother too.

sorry for the rant, and thank you

But you still blame the father instead of saying "yes, I was wrong too and it was my kid being violent not his so I understand why he acted like this and don't blame him protecting his child.'

We were all in the garden together. Adults and children

You stated in your OP that the little cousin was provoking him quite a bit. Meaning you didn't intervene straight away or he wouldn't have provoked him more than once.

@MumChp no offence but just read my last post and this will explain what's going on. Your post and others are of no help nor use. This is a difficult journey and OP is just starting out on the more difficult aspects of it.

The adult reacted that way because he lost control and lost his shit. That's all there is to it.

Let me tell you, I was wrong too…and so was he. He left his finger marks on my child’s arms. That to me feels like excessive force

Not really, so in your world person A can be violent and assault and that's ok, but if person B steps in to stop the assault they're a terrible person, oh and it's also the assaulted child's fault of course...

I don't agree.

The dad did this because OP failed her responsibility.

Fuck off all the perfect parents on here who are deliberately giving the OP a hard time- don't listen to them @MonaRosa. Don't waste your energy trying to justify yourself to these trolls.

I'm a child professional that works with ASD children and your brother in law was bang out of fucking order- kids fight and hit each other every single day- what's he going to do? Bully them all into submission?! I'd make my feelings known to this man and that if he ever touches your child like this again, you'd call the police. As for your son, keep him away from situations that trigger him and/or go to them but monitor him carefully and remove him the minute you detect him becoming agitated.

Don'

@glittercunt 100%. Adult lost his shit and had a tantrum.

And I know this because I've seen it and I even did it myself in my earlier years before I knew better

OK.@mightymam op continues to let her dc rock about being violent 'cos that's what kids do'..... another child retaliates smacking ops child in the face, that's clearly OK?

Next time step up and prevent a situation like this. You can't do anything about what has happened but parenting a ND child is much different than a NT. A lot of mums on MN know a great deal about that but it's not helpful to blame other parents for protecting their children experiencing violence.

You are going to have to watch your son like a hawk when he's like this. To help you and him to deal with these sort of situations in the future.

As soon as you see anything happening that you know is likely to cause a meltdown, remove him from the situation and distract him. Be it with food, drinks, a game, anything just to get him away from whatever is triggering him.

It's hard I'm not going to lie, and sometimes you will need to leave places/ events earlier than you wanted to. He will get overwhelmed and it's better to leave before it happens than after. There's no point in trying to get him to apologise when he's like that either as he's lost control, it's best to talk to him about it when he's calm.

We can't get it right all the time, and you're doing your best. Don't be hard on yourself x

Of course not. I don’t let my child “rock about being violent”. My kid is in primary school. He doesn’t get into trouble at school really. I had situations where other kids hit him at birthday parties. But I never physically restrained someone else’s child. I would talk to child and explain that’s not what we do

You need to watch him like a hawk. To stop him before he can hurt anyone or himself. You need to realize as upset as you are about cousin's husband they are equally upset about their children being hurt. You have to be right there to stop it.

Yes. That's great.

But you might understand that sometimes people react different than textbook

None of you did great tbh and it doesn't help to blame the other child's dad.

What can I say, clearly people have different views about this. Some think I have failed as a parent. And perhaps every day one part of me thinks I am failing as a parent.

but as a parent to two kids, with one older NT, and a lovely boy, all I can say is nothing prepares you for parenting a neurodivergent child. So please be kind.

I am not asking for you to agree with me, or blame the other parent, but I feel (and that’s my personal feeling, you are welcome to disagree), that a lien has been crossed when my son had fingermarks in his arms from such tight holding.

He hurt another child with a ball (and yes that’s very bad), but it wasn’t continuous violence or assault. And I felt mortified for it.

let’s just leave it at that.

empathy is what we need at all levels.

next time you see a parent struggling with an ND child, perhaps you will recall this chat

If your child isn’t getting into trouble at school with physical violence, it sounds like there’s scope to work on his aggression towards you at home. You’re going to give yourself an even harder time if you don’t at least try and parent him with regards to hitting.

I don't think it's anyone else's right to put their hands on your child, unless it's really unavoidable.

If an autistic child is having a meltdown it will normally be safer and wiser to simply remove the other child from the situation. The dad had every possibility of doing that and instead chose to physically manhandled a child that wasn’t his whilst the child’s parent was trying to calm the child down.
The very kindest thing you can say is said man was behaving in a very misguided manner.

@MonaRosa I found private FB groups really helpful for sharing experiences and advice on all this. I'd post anonymously just for security regards privacy.

Other mums often absolutely revel in finding another mum to highlight as incompetent. I don't know what it is in so many of us to project. I'm sure I've done it in the past. Mum's of ND kids are the perfect target and sadly that's a reason so many kids go undiagnosed; gaslighting and parental blame.

Unless you have an ND child, there will be absolutely no comprehension whatsoever of how it is.

I recall saying once to some friends - does anyone ever want to karate chop their kid? The other parent who said oh god yeah and laughed with me - well it turns out her son is ND too. We both discovered this fact much later on. All other parents were horrified. I didn't get it.

I feel no shame in that comment. At the time I needed it and I had no idea what was going on or why this behaviour was happening. I forgive myself for all of it.

You will be fine. The diagnosis is really important. Don't stop pushing for the assessment.

Firstly your child hurt another on purpose.

Then your child is lashing out at you trying to hurt you.

And you think you are parenting.

No wonder someone else had to step in.

What I hearing is that your 6 year old hit a four year old and you're surprised that the dad intervened?

I'm not.

Unless you have an ND child, there will be absolutely no comprehension whatsoever of how it is.

^

Hmm. Probably not. We've heard this before, too.

But I know one thing. I don't want MY child hurt.

Not to the detriment of your child's neurodiversity

The restraint doesn't sound acceptable, no.

Whatever changes you need to make - intervening earlier by the sound of things - doesn't make that restraint ok.

I'd think about avoiding those cousins for a while.

@coxesorangepippin of course, anyone would feel that way. I'd feel that way if my child was being battered But this wasn't what was happening. And the grown ass man wasn't reacting this way to protect his child; that is pretty obvious. What the kid did to the cousin isn't that big a deal. I would not over react to that happening to my kid one bit. I'd be more triggered watching a meltdown where mum is getting bashed. That I find difficult. And that's what triggered this guy. It had nothing to do with protecting the other kid.

Autistic kids unfortunately often ilicit really negative responses in people. Even if they aren't doing anything particularly offensive.