When someone tries to discipline your child without your permission

[MonaRosa]

Hi All

My six year old has several challenges and is currently on the pathway for an autism assessment and also awaiting the results of some genetic testing. It has been more than 2 years since I first visited the GP with concerns. So this has been a tough couple of years for us, to say the least.

I dont know if he has autism or not, but he is on school’s SEN list and we are hoping his ASD assessment will happen before the end of the year.

Here is what upset me today. We were invited to a family barbecue, which I went with my son. I do love my family, but at times these events make me feel like an inadequate parent.

My cousins has kids (a bit younger than mine) and they are very much by the book in the way they raise their kids. Strict routines, sweets only allowed on very rare occasions etc. With the challenges with my son, all of that is out of the window!! That makes me very self conscious as a parent.

The last couple of times we have been with the family, my son started by playing nicely with my cousins’ kids, but ended up getting overwhelmed after couple of hours in full tantrum mode.

On both occasions, I feel like one of my cousin’s husband treated my son badly.

Today, his little cousin was provoking him quite a bit, and my son ended up hitting him with a ball. I know that’s really bad, but I think what my cousin’s husband then did it soooo unacceptable. Despite me being there, and trying to get my son to say sorry (which he refused in full tantrum and trying to hit me), the husband intervened and tightly held my son (very very tightly!!! ), without my permission or even bothering checking if I wanted him to.

I am so upset that he thinks this is OK, and upset with myself that I didn’t confront him.

I said, please let me deal with him, he is very overwhelmed. And his answer was “if you say so” with a hint of sarcasm.

I felt judged for failing to discipline my child. But I am now more upset that I didn’t say to him that he shouldn’t do that to my child.

What would you have done? This now makes me not to want to go these family gatherings as all the other children seem son”normal” and my son so “misbehaved”.

I am sure you can tell how upset I am, and questioning myself as a mother too.

sorry for the rant, and thank you

Your child hurt his child. He restrained him, I think that's ok since you clearly weren't dealing with it, and I guess he's seen it happen before. What were you going to do?

That sounds very stressful.

I hear you about feeling judged. I don't know if DS8 is ND or not but he has a sensory processing disorder and other issues with anger and rigid thinking etc so it can be embarrassing when you hang out with people who have beautifully behaved children.

However your cousins husband was completely out of order to physically restrain your child unless he needed to do so to protect someone (and it doesn't sound like he did, as you were handling it).

I don't know what the right thing to do would have been but I would personally have got angry with him and told him to back the fuck off away from my child.

Today, his little cousin was provoking him quite a bit, and my son ended up hitting him with a ball … trying to get my son to say sorry (which he refused in full tantrum and trying to hit me)

It’s difficult. If you asked your cousin’s husband what he was doing I’d bet he’d say he was stopping your son from hurting anyone (more) including you.

If your son was lashing around and trying to hit you in a tantrum, while you were just trying to get him to apologise, did the cousin's husband think his child was at risk of getting hit again? Protecting my child would come before your feelings on the matter at a gathering like that. Being ND or not, my child is not there to get hurt whatever the reason. Could you have removed your child to another area away from the other child?

Meanwhile, your son is going to learn that not everyone will react the same and sometimes that can actually be helpful.

He wasn’t restraining my son to stop him hitting his kid. He was restraining him because my son was having a tantrum. I feel, he didn’t understand his challenges, or that there was provocation before the hitting:

I spoke to my cousin’s kid and I said I am sorry my son hit you. And sorry he doesn’t apologise to you himself.

not sure what else I could have done, or whether that justifies someone else ultimately mishandling my son.

Also, just to say, we left straight after that to remove my son from the situation

Either you educate your family about his needs and how you think it needs to be handled, or accept that not everyone is going to respond to things the same way. If your son hits someone else's child, family or not, parents are going to react. Unfortunately the reality of ND children is that not everyone is going to respond to them differently to a NT child. At least cousin's husband is probably more predictable than a parent in a public space, such as a park.

Today, his little cousin was provoking him quite a bit … or that there was provocation before the hitting

This child is what, 4??? Don’t blame them.

You know your DS gets easily overwhelmed and has tantrums. He did it the last time you were in their company. You need to step in before he gets to that stage. I know that in itself might start a tantrum but at least it won’t involve the other children.

Oh ok, I'd misunderstood that. In which case he didn't do the right thing at all, but also it seems that you couldn't calm the situation either, but whether his actions affected that is up or grabs. Not great all round. I'd be cross but also aware that I was at fault for not managing it. I don't know where you go from here given you are clearly (and to a certain extent rightly) angry with him.

We did leave straight away to remove my son from the situation. Once he is in full tantrum, it takes time to for him to calm down. But ai don’t expect he would have hit his cousin again. It is not very often he gets aggressive with others (although he does with me a lot)

Neurodiverse or not (and my dh and both of my dc are ASD) your child hurt his child and he reacted. I would have acted to get a dangerous child away from mine also.

You need to learn better strategies. ASD is not a free pass to act violently.

Like the previous poster said, you need to learn to recognise when things are getting precarious and intervene before your son lashes out. It's part of the learning curve for parents of ND children. No judgement, I have ND children.

What would I do if someone disciplined my child.
Honestly, I'd thank them.

It takes a village to raise a child, and that includes your child learning that their actions have consequences, not to hit others and that their parents aren't the only ones that can tell them off.

Your child hurt theirs. It seems to be a growing problem. What are you expecting them to do, continue to let your kid hurt theirs when yours doesn't seem to improving with your version of parenting.

My child is ND. Luckily these problems aren't happening now he's older - but we did have some things like this in the past.

Some adults get very triggered by Autistic kids having a meltdown. Even I do sometime when I watch it. It's horrible and that's just a fact. Most people do not understand the place it comes from.

I'd just leave it this time. Next time if you have to attend I'd say to adults in advance to please let me deal with any meltdowns. If someone winds him up he is going to react strongly and trying to restrain him will just make it worse.

Part of me would also want to avoid these gatherings until your little one manages his responses better. I do think this gets better with age. Also bribery depending on their level of need. I used to always bribe my child with big rewards to try manage their reactions to these things. It did actually work! It of course all depends on the level of need and how severe their executive function and sensory challenges are.

Agree with this. To be honest, sometimes the best thing is when some other person reacts and intervenes. Kids can sometimes respond more to this than a parent.

@NeedBiggerWindChimes yeah I agree with this. I found just not going to these events reduced my stress level massively and helped me get a handle on how to try deal with it. As it improved- which I believe it will - we joined in again.

‘Not sure what else I could have done’
Ultimately, if you know your child is easily overwhelmed and can default to violence, you need to be on it more closely. You’ve said there was ‘quite a bit of provocation’ - you needed to intervene before it got to that knowing that your child cannot manage it the way others might be able to. Where were you when all this was happening?

Step up and parent your child.

You should have stepped in before your child was overwhelmed.
Don't blame the father.
Being ND is not a free pass.

I think the best thing now is to avoid gatherings. We avoid going to birthday parties, weddings etc as it triggers my lo and he gets overstimulated going into fight or flight mode.

Of course, I am absolutely not blaming the child!

He was no longer hurting anyone. The mum was dealing with it and had apologised to the cousin and also that her son wasn't apologising himself. The brother in law should definitely not have put his hands on her son. He should have made a fuss of his own kid (which helps reinforce to a kid who has lashed out that the other kid is hurting and deserved some love and attention).

The brother in law was using rough hands on her son bcause of his own anger. Not acceptable. He's an adult. And I would also hope that he or the kids mum spoke to the cousin to explain that winding someone up isn't OK.

I'm audhd as are both of my kids, if stating this makes a difference.

I can’t see what’s wrong with how you describe your cousins parenting ‘by the book’ you didn’t pick up your sons triggers/escalating behaviour resulting in him being restrained whilst he was trying to hit you. I can’t see the cousin did anything wrong.

I don’t think it’s an issue for someone to discipline someone else’s child. When I grew up in the 90s and early 00s that was a norm - parents would look out for other people’s children and also, if they saw you stepping out of line, they would treat you like their child and tell you off.

No, he shouldn’t have touched your child, but honestly, everyone deals with a tantruming child differently. Personally, I remove the child from the situation by telling them or if they are small guiding them. But every parent is different and not everyone is sensitive to or knows how to deal with ND…sadly.

I know why you feel this way - but it’s important that you can step in when your child is triggered and that you are firm. Because as everyone else said, people will go to lengths to protect their children. As I am sure you would yours.

I'm sure the brother in law has his own side of this. You don't just restrain children for the sake of it.

If this were to happen at a park or playground, the reaction of the other parent might be less predictable or even scary.

I'd leave a family member to parent their own child, even if I thought it was ineffective, but that boundary stops when my own child needs protecting.

I think stepping back from gatherings until you've got a better handle on how to de escalate situations with your son sounds like a good plan.