4 on for 4 off custody split

[Gabriela001]

Hi, me and my husband are splitting up and the last thing I want is to take my son away from his dad, but equally, I want my time with him too. I offered 50/50 split, where 4 days I've got our son and 4 days he has him. But I have just done spreadsheets to organize that and It just feels so wrong, having to move him around during the school week etc. But then splitting for 7 days each seems too much time away from him. He is only 4 and just started reception. How do you organize 50/50 splits?

What id you had your son Monday to Thursday. Dad picks him up from school on a Friday afternoon, has him for the weekend and returns to you Sunday night or does the school run Monday morning??

This has worked well for my grandson for several years. Certainty over days has been helpful, though mum and dad are flexible for holidays and special occasions that fall on the others weekend. Mum and dad live only a couple of miles apart which has also made it easier to facilitate activities and friendships from either home, especially now he is in high school and doing more independently. May need to revisit in the future but for now he is happy with things the way they are.

We do this pattern and on the Wednesday Dad drop him to school and I picked them up on a day over the summer holidays for example drop them to mine if I’m off or you there summer camp/club and I’ll collect them. That way you get alternate weekends, and you each have set days of the week. Minor with their dad on a Monday and Tuesday night they are with me on a Wednesday and Thursday night and then we alternate Friday through to Sunday.. it works

Thank you all ! It sounds like my guts feeling was right, 4on 4 is not the right way to go. I like the idea of a Wednesday transition and every other weekend. I think with our anger against each other we haven't really thought through what 50/50 would mean in practice.

@@MouseofCommons

Yes, I'm moving out to a flat, and will be buying something once he'll pay me off our house. As as said he loves his money so he won't be buying a flat for himself just so we keep the house as child's place. I read about this but it's far too expensive.

I'll be going to court anyway, as I don't trust this men anymore so I need court order to make sure he'll stick to the schedule. I'm just trying to have the plan prepared so we get this done quickly in one hearing rather than over long battle.

What a heartbreaking thread.

Not on topic but wanted to say what a lovely friend you are.
Your friend's situation is upsettingly familiar to me, they are both lucky to have you around x

Thank you !, that is a very good comment ! x

I was brought up 50/50 from preschool years. Changeover on a Wednesday at school. Lunchtime changeover on Christmas Day. Half of each holidays including half term week with each parent. Homes not close to each other. It was fucking awful, we were miserable as children and we still live with it today as adults.

For us 50/50 meant adults fighting just to punish each other and took no account of how we felt. We were all obviously unhappy. It really didn’t feel like an act of love to us.

If our parents had tried to ‘nest’, my siblings and I could have at least stayed in the same home with access to our friends, weekend and after school clubs, lessons, hobbies. We had lonely lives, with very limited access to our friends for play dates or birthdays. Our parents wanted to see us when they saw us, so they didn’t actively facilitate our friendships. We couldn’t make outside commitments that would have disrupted the 50/50.

Imagine if we had wanted to become really good at a skill or sport and do it on weekends? or just have some down time, and not be shuttling to and fro to fit in seamlessly to please adults? Or have consistent parental input into basic care needs, drs and dentists, SEND issues? It would have helped my siblings and I if our parents had even just reminded each other what was needed logistically for school. It was too hostile between them for that though. We got told off at school a lot.

Our parents never told the other parent when we had been ill or upset at theirs. I think they feared that would have been fodder for more disputes. We had to conceal our problems from both our parents and became very self reliant too young. I became frighteningly conscious of how loose my friendships had to always be, so it’s really emotionally impacted me. Same with detaching from my parents and trying to stop feeling responsible for them as an adult. We weren’t allowed choices or preferences about huge significant aspects of our lives making us vulnerable as we grew up. I didnt know who I was or what I wanted.

So now I think the stability and room for independence for kids, from having a main base with their main carer and NRP contact has a lot going for it. It really upsets me when I hear parents being pushed to make 50/50 the norm. It’s really unsuitable for a lot of families, and can be unsafe in some situations.

@HappyYays im really sorry that you have that experience of 50-50. to make it easier I chose to live about five minute drive from my ex so that nothing else changed, their School didn’t, their friends didn’t, their weekend activities didn’t change. We talked each other and I am with each other about things that are going on on a weekly basis. we are flexible when it comes to weekend activities for example this weekend is my son birthday but my daughter also has a competition three hours away. my ex has taken my daughter to her competition and I am home with my son so he can spend time with his friends on his birthday. If I don’t make a big deal if they forget something, I try to have two of everything wherever possible and wherever makes sense.
It’s not a manic week they have plenty of downtime and they also get plenty of time with friends and us. I know I might seem biased but it works for us.
If I make a doctors appointment or a dentist appointment, I’m the only time they can give is on my exes day then I will ring him and inform him that he needs to take them and vice versa… Although I admit I do try to do it on my own days so that I don’t have to make further phone calls to hear what the doctor said, etc etc because communication is not my strong point.
Nesting wouldn’t have suited us at all as the house we were living in, I hated with a passion and drove me into the depths of depression, I need it out to be honest I think in a sense so did the kids. They can breathe and have more space at mine, but they’re still entitled to their dad at the end of the day, I suppose.

I know it’s not the same for everyone. It’s not a one size fits all. I am very aware of that and I am also very aware that it’s not possible for all live within five minutes of each other. We are lucky in that sense. it’s the first time in my life. I put myself first by taking the leap to separate it needed to be done from my mental health. I have guilt daily about this but the other option for my children was to have a mother who was disconnected from the world and them. I chose to make myself a better person and a better mother for them something not to give. And unfortunately, that was my marriage.

That’s supposed to say, communication is not my exes Strongpoint. 😂

I had 60/40 when DS was 5, then fairly quickly moved to something nearer 50/50 when DS was 6. We worked it out based on our own commitments as well as thinking of DS - I didn't want, for example, my DS always being left with babysitters during football season* when I had nothing on, so made sense to say he'd always be with me on those nights, and we worked it out from there, over a rolling fortnight. We also didn't want to miss out on weekend time, so we did a handover on Saturday late afternoon - meant we both got a weekend night and day with DS each week, and that we both had time off the other weekend night/day to do our own thing/housework etc. Also meant we could easily swap any stuff DS needed for the next week. We agreed a two-night minimum at each house, and are both very flexible - if one of us has something on, the other takes DS, and we sometimes adjust the schedule to make up for lost time. It absolutely works out that I have DS more, particularly in school holidays, but it works ok for us. ExH asks me to have DS on his nights a lot more than I do! I tend to say 'can you keep him on the 20th and I'll have him an extra night on the 25th?' but that's probably not surprising.

*or indeed, DS dealing with ExH's shitty moods if he didn't get to go!

And I meant to say, this seems to work really well for DS. He knows that he is never away from the other parent for more than 3 nights (holidays and exceptions aside) and looks forward to his weekend day with each of us. It helps that ExH has been ok about extracurricular stuff, mostly... again, I've done way more of it, but if something does fall on his day, he will (under protest) take DS. He definitely sees it as losing out on 'his time' with DS but if he bitches, I just remind him that I also miss out on that time when DS is at a club etc.

I'm so sorry this happened to you., but that doesn't exactly sound like ti was because of the 50/50. It was because your parent didn't effectively coparent didn't response to your needs as they were chaning over time. I do belive whats ok now will may nto work when he is 10 and so on.
I'll be moving 5 minutes drive away from my ex -husbands, my child will stay in the same area, so once he has friends it won't make a difference. And my hole point is not to create too much arguments with his das so, regardless how much grief I have for him I'd be able to coparent, so our son doesn't feel it as much, In ideal world I woundl't leave and did try everything else before making this decision.

Me too. I purposely lived very close to the old marital home where my ex stayed. I took a suitcase back and forth every week so they had all their stuff, toys etc ready for them when they arrived at the other house.
Yes things were occasionally in the wrong house but between us we went out of our way to bring sport shoes or whatever it was that was needed ASAP so kids didn't have to stress. Yes it caused me stress but I was careful that the kids weren't suffering from the logistics headache.
Now they are older they sort themselves out and it has I think helped them to be more organised individuals, checking stuff the night before etc.
I hope many parents realise it's not ideal for kids and try to solve foe that. Sorry if people.didnt have that though

I think the nesting idea would only work well if you had 2 parents who got on ok and were both fairly tolerant and cooperative. Otherwise sharing the home would lead to ever more disputes and awkwardness which would inevitably affect the children. If one of the parents were a bit controlling they would use this as a way to exert control over the other and if they were abusive it would be a great scenario for them to continue to abuse and punish their ex.
Living close enough that the children can continue all their usual after school activities and friendships and making sure they have their own space and spares of any clothes and so on in both houses is a better compromise.

50/50 benefits parents not children. They need a stable home where they live they are not parcels. It is better for your child to live with you with ever other weekend with their dad , a couple of evenings every week visits and spilt the holidays.

Change on Wednesdays, and alternate weekends so

MUM Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue, Wed am
DAD Wed pm, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun
MUM Mon, Tue, Wed am,
DAD Wed pm, Thurs, Fri

and repeat. I appreciate this will mean Dad dropping him at bedtime every other Sunday , OR you picking up for school every other Monday but it does give you both two weekends.

For a 50:50 split and assuming (a) it's good for each parent to have some weekends with the child and some child free and (b) it's good for the parents to share school days rather than having one parent dealing with all the emotional labour of school interaction

A possible split could be

Week A
M T W T F S S
M M D D D M M

Week B
M T W T F S S
D D M M M D D

Or

Week A
M T W T F S S
D M M D D M M

Week B
M T W T F S S
M D D M M D D

Or

Week A
M T W T F S S
D M M D M M M

Week B
M T W T F S S
M D D M D D D

This does mean it's very bitty with swapovers every 2/3 days but any 2 week pattern with longer gaps between swaps will end up with one parent getting all the weekends.

However, being fair to both parents is a secondary consideration for both of you - of primary importance is the wellbeing of the child.
If the child won't cope well with constantly swapping houses then it's better to choose a split that's more like 10:4 or 11:3 with a primary residence that the child feels is their main home, and Every Other Weekend plus one midweek overnight with the NRP. If that's what's best for the child then the grownups need to have the maturity to accept that.

4/4 split sounds very disruptive for a 4 year old.
Would a 4/3 or 5/2 every other week work for you?

Interesting that you talk about yourself, how you feel, what your needs are. This should never be about the parent. You are supposed to put your children first.

I don’t want to cause any extra shit for parents that are already having a hard time. Just that OP asked about the child’s feelings so I responded with mine. It sounds like there aren’t many others on the thread who have had 50/50 experience as children themselves. I don’t see the experience very often posted on here. And it should be OK for adults to acknowledge that the least worst custody option available (which could be 50/50) might be not a very nice situation for the kids, so that the adults can mitigate whatever’s possible to mitigate in that and do their best to collaborate to support their kids. Sounds like a lot of posters are doing that.

My parents were in a particularly hostile relationship. But that could be anyone- hostility can happen to anyone without them wanting it to. People don’t tend to always behave kindly to each other when splitting up and afterwards. And even taking parental animosity out of the equation, 50/50 homes comes with disruption and constant movement for children, even between amicable parents. It just does. It’s important to try to insulate your kids as far as possible from this, which it sounds like a lot of posters here are working on doing.

If you are very amicable and you can afford to live on the same street then it does sound great to aim for 50/50 but also that’s not really a 50/50 agreement to me. In that scenario the amicable parents can be trusting enough to be flexible. Then eventually they could just let the kids decide where they will be.

My worry is for the kids of parents like mine who are very angry, if those parents push for 50/50 because they feel they’re ‘losing’ to their hated ex otherwise, then they are not focusing on the children’s needs. They remain in that dynamic once 50/50 starts because otherwise they ‘lose’.
I also recognise that the rules around paying child maintenance muddy the waters here, pushing more men to push for 50/50 without really working it through. That is not a child focused situation at all.

I wish everyone on the thread well, talking about all this is really important and none of this is easy.

@Itsanyonesguess i do put them first! I put my mental health back in check FOR THEM! Please don’t comment on something you have absolutely no insight into…and by that I mean MY life! Parents are allowed to put themselves sometimes! Especially if it’s for the better of everyone. Would you rather they had an unhappy mother just so they had a family together!?!

Op just because your ex WANTS to be primary parent, doesn’t mean he gets to be. This isn’t about the whims of an adult male. He sounds like a bit of a dick.

So now I think the stability and room for independence for kids, from having a main base with their main carer and NRP contact has a lot going for it. It really upsets me when I hear parents being pushed to make 50/50 the norm. It’s really unsuitable for a lot of families, and can be unsafe in some situations.

@HappyYays i totally agree with you. I was 5 when my parents split up, back in the 1970s, and the normal arrangement (at the time) was the children to stay with Mum, and have trips out with Dad at the weekend/holidays. And I thank my lucky stars for this. I continued to have a stable home, maintained a good relationship with Dad, and (to my knowledge) this worked fine for all parties. An EOW arrangement, or 50/50 would have ruined my life, all the backwards and forwards just to satisfy a rota.

I can’t imagine doing Mon-Tues with Mum, then Wed-Thur with Dad etc. It must be horrendous for a child.

In later years, EOW became the norm and whilst I’m glad that never happened to me, I can see the sense in the arrangement. I should add that I’m now a step-parent; DSS is grown up now, but when he was younger he had an EOW arrangement which generally worked, but DH often got criticised for not doing 50/50 - but I don’t think DH, the ex or DSS actually wanted that. DSS was quite happy living with Mum and visiting Dad.

Hi Mums
I am in a similar situation. Me and my ex split after 11 years together. We have two daughters (5 and 22 months). He moved out in February and since he moved out, he has been taking them random nights here and there. He works 4 on (which is 2 dayshifts 8am to 6pm, followed by 2 nightshifts 6pm to 8am) then he has 4 days off before the cycle again. He also gets 18 days off about 5x a year.
When I've been asking him when he's seeing the girls, it's always random days and rarely two consecutive nights. Sometimes it's after his dayshift, so after 6pm, and by then, I've still had to do the school and nursery run, feed them and then pack a bag. Sometimes he takes them before dayshift and drops them off at 7:30am meaning I need to do the school and nursery drop off. I work full time too.
When he's "scheduling" nights with the girls, he always looks at when Celtic are playing first and never misses a game. He also never ever has to ask for a babysitter as he simply pencils in when he's taking the girls. He literally isn't taking them one weekend until end of December, even tho he isn't working a weekend shift until then!
My whole life evolved around him when we were together and now it is the same and I can't live my life like that.
I suggested he takes the girls his middle two days/nights of his 4 off and that way, it's not set nights each week but it's a routine and I'll know where I stand and don't need to ask him when he's taking the girls. We are going round in circles because of his lack of responsibility for the girls. I've suggested mediation and if that doesn't work then my lawyer is on standby. Just wondering if anyone is in a similar position and what you have agreed with the other parent??
Thanks in advance x