4 on for 4 off custody split

[Gabriela001]

Hi, me and my husband are splitting up and the last thing I want is to take my son away from his dad, but equally, I want my time with him too. I offered 50/50 split, where 4 days I've got our son and 4 days he has him. But I have just done spreadsheets to organize that and It just feels so wrong, having to move him around during the school week etc. But then splitting for 7 days each seems too much time away from him. He is only 4 and just started reception. How do you organize 50/50 splits?

I’m not sure you can get any routine for him with 4 4 …..wouldn’t it be better if he had a weekly routine….even if it’s over 2 weeks….,so he knows what he’s doing every Monday Tuesday etc?

Most people do it over 2 weeks so you could do 3 4 4 3 as an example.
We did week on/off but older kids

Haven't been involved in this process but it might need to be an evolving process whilst your son settles into school. Also depends how close you live. And how amicable the split is.
4 days on and 4 days off is messy because a week is 7 days!! Far better to go for a 3/4 split and alternate the 4th day each week (hope that makes sense!).
Also, unless you or ex are going to or not going to have him each weekend it is difficult to not split the school week.

Most people I know who have done it with fairly young children do:-

Mon, Tues - with (say) mum
Wed, Thurs - with dad
Alternate weekends.

So a 5,2,2,5 pattern.

It works well as it means that the child knows that on a Tuesday they are always with mum.

Primary schools tend to work on a pattern - need PE kit every Monday and Thursday, need reading record on a Friday - so if day by day consistency then less likely to forget.

Also means that you can each choose or not choose extra curriculars without interference or argument.

Finally it works well for work - “I a,ways finish early on a Tuesday and work late on a Wednesday.

the people I know who have done 50/50 when dc are small have done every other weekend and 2 fixed nights with each parent per week. So dc knows tues and weds (for example) are always dads nights.

With my dc, we do every other weekend with a weds overnight at dads and dinner with dad on a Tuesday. It’s very nearly 50/50 but dc sleeps here on Tuesday.

This sounds sensible because I was trying to work it out for 4,3,3,4 and you either end up having to split the weekends into halves or it doesn't really work?

Aww we then agreed on what additional activities our son does, so regardles on who has him, he will be attending, like soccer on every Sunday. And will be sharing holiday differently, eg if he wants Christmas I'll have Easter etc, if he wants to take him during school break for longer, I have other schools break and so on. The reason I offered 4/4 is because I want equal weekends, I do not want to just do weekdays day and dad would have all the fun times on weekends. We both work full time on similar salaries so we do not any maintenance money etc, I said our son has two equal houses, so separate sets of uniforms etc so he does not have to pack and travel with suitcase. But im just not sure how 4 years old will handle that. But if I know if I don't agree on 50/50 we will end up with nasty custody battle, as he wanted to be primary parent and have more time ( if that makes sense)

That's interesting too, thank you! But i guess ma question is about child feelings not logistics for example so we don't forget the PE kit. But i understand what you are saying about keeping routing, to same days in the week.what is the transition day in this routine dad picks from mums on Wednesday morning ?

Sounds like a tricky situation then.
Totally logical not to have a weekend/weekday split. I have read about a lot of families who have split and it's an eow split with the other parent then seeing them at times during the week.....
Absolutely fine to try and negotiate between you but if you can't agree it might end up in the courts. Just be prepared and don't agree with anything you are uncomfortable with just to avoid the courts.
Also always keep in mind what is genuinely in the best interests of the child.
It's positive that he wants to spend time with his child but presumably wants to be primary parent to gain an upper hand? Does he also want him more so you have to pay maintenance?
Keep notes of everything discussed in case it does get messier and ends up in court.
Good luck!

Yes, but the logistics of PE kit moving back and forth between two houses (and football kit, and goodness knows what else...) is a serious PITA.

I'd suggest the 2 set days each then alternate weekends.

Transition day, would be something like, mum drops ant school, dad collects.

So Wednesday morning, mum drops ant school, dad collects weds afternoon and has him until Friday morning school drop off. Mum collects Fri afternoon, and drops off at school weds morning.... dad's collects weds afternoon and drops at school Monday morning etc.

Can you buy a flat so your DS stays in one place and you and his dad go back and forth? It's less disruptive.

We split it so that the week day schedule is set - two night each and always the same days. Then every other Fri/Sat/Sun night.

I'm very surprised he's saying he'll go to court for the greatest amount of contact. Incredibly unusual and sounds like he's bullshitting to try and avoid maintenance tbh. 99% of dads won't go to court a "fight for custody".

How would that work with things like groceries and utilities and the like??

He believes I'm not a good enough mother, the whole reason why I'm leaving him, and yes he loves his money so no maintenance, and he thinks I don't actually care about our and I just want the benefits. I leave that without a comment. I just know that as bad as he is for me, he has a great bond with his son and I don't want to take that away from them. I do not really need much, I'm on good salary I just want to live in peace with this man, for easy life.

Usually mum drops off to school on a Wednesday morning and Dad picks up.

Logistics are incredibly important to a primary school child. It is very stressful for a child to be the one who doesn’t have their PE kit or whose reading record has not been signed. (I have a friend who has a daughter the same age as my dd who (I suspect) has (undiagnosed) ADHD and really struggled with organisation. Lovely lovely woman who is such a lovely lovely mum. Her dd started suffering from quite severe anxiety over school and it turned out it was because she was permanently scared as to what she hadn’t done and brought that she should have. I used to send her texts in the evening for the next day - “Bake sale”, “maths homework” etc)

@MouseofCommons

have YOU done this?

I've never heard of it working in reality.

• the additional costs
• cleaning
• food
• 'rules' re future partners
• parents shifting back & forth with work stuff (much easier to move a child with parents checking they have all they need
• laundry
• & on & on

@Gabriela001

can you wait a few weeks until he's settled into school??

compromise is good, but don't totally back down into a schedule you don't think is right just because he wanted to be resident parent.

We did weekly splits with our then 6 year old. Changeover day was Friday after school. She kept the same childminder for before / after school, same Brownies group, same swimming lessons etc. she soon understood where she was on a Friday, and adjusted very quickly. I, of course, missed her terribly in the first months and would spend the whole weekend hiding under the duvet when she was with her dad, but again, I eventually adjusted.
Changing the handover days every week is far more unsettling for everyone involved IMO.

Make sure with your weekdays there is a hand over time... this will be important for sick days, inset days, and holidays. So for example handover is done at school - but responsibility switches at say 9am. So if the kid is sick, but you both have to work it is not default that you have to take the day off as his work is 'more important'.

And if he wants 50/50 by all means change the timings over the holidays perhaps to longer periods so that going away is possible, but keep it fair.

Christmas and child's birthdays should alternate, and you could reserve mothers day/fathers day and your own birthdays for the relevant parent.

On the clubs thing - you maybe sorted now but I'd look to the future on that. A 4 year old won't be doing the same as a 14yr old so specific days make those decisions easier.

Also have a look at the uni funding stuff. It's a long way off but expensive so you should include who will pay to support dc then. There are some interesting legal aspects for split parents on that.

I have mine every Sunday/Monday/Tuesday. Wed/Thur with Dad then we alternate Fri/sat. She knows where she is and doesn't go longer than 5 nights without seeing her dad (4 nights without me)

If I may, he sounds like a shot husband but amazing dad. It’s unusual he wants so much time with his son but a good unusual. You asked about routine and ease I think if you really want this and what’s best for your son you need to move past the 4on 4 off split. I think there is a bit of this which is about what you want, park that, do what you asked for, what is easiest for your son. He’s 4 so minimal disruption and I’d say week on week off is the least disruptive but maybe use that as a starting point.

We done two on two off any every other weekend. So it would work like this

Week 1
Mon, tue-mum
Wed, thur- dad
Fri, sat, sun- mum

Week 2
Mom, Tues- dad
Wed, thurs- mum
Fri, sat, sun- dad
Then back to week 1.

It worked really well for us.

I have friends that have done this for years and works well.

Week 1:
Mon - Wed am (drops at school) - Mum
Wed pm - Monday am (drops at school) - Dad
Mums picks up

Week 2:
Mon - Wed am - Mum
Wed pm - Fri am (drops at school)
Fri pm - Mum picks up

They both get 2.5 school days, equal drop off and pick ups then alternate weekends for proper time.

My ex and I have never been able to do a routine like others seems to owing to large commutes/ late night/ early morning shifts/ visiting elderly parents and child minder availability.
We have a rolling 6 week pattern- it's on a massive calender so the kids can see. They have 2 sets of everything apart from teddies and if needed we drop things off for them.

Parent 1- Every Mon & Tue
Parent 2- Every Wed & Thur
Alternative Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The positives for your child, he'll know where he'll be for most of the school week and can have a good routine in each house for going to bed ect.
The positives for you, you get an equal amount of "school time" and "weekend time" so you and your ex don't become resentful / one of you don't become the 'fun time parent'.