I’m a terrible terrible mother

[bottomoftheheep]

I’m feeling so so lost and I’m scared that I won’t ever feel ok again. My 2.5yo has delayed speech and I’m finding myself worrying so much about him and what his future holds that I can’t bear to be around him as his lack of speech and behaviour upsets me so much. What kind of mother can’t be around her own son just because he can’t talk? When he goes to nursery I pick him up in the hope that he has learned a new word or miraculously started talking .

I also have a 6 year old son and a newborn baby daughter and the school holidays have been hard with them all but it’s no excuse. We are having private speech therapy and I have one on one time with him each day but his progress is so slow that I’m starting to dread it. I’m going to access some CBT through work as I’m clearly not ok. I’m just so ashamed that I feel like this.

You’re not a terrible mother OP. If you were, you wouldn’t care and it’s clear you very much do care. Has DH had his hearing checked?

That sounds so hard. First off a terrible mother would not be worrying all the time about her son. It’s good the delay has been recognised and he is having the help he need. Be kind to yourself. If you had friend in the same situation would you tell her she was a terrible mother? Or would you say you are doing great? Some CBT sounds good. Take care.

You have a 6yr old, a 2.5yr old & a new baby and you also have a job?
You're massively overloaded and it's no wonder you're stressed out and overreacting to your son's not speaking yet.
Get whatever help you can from family & friends and please realise it's not your fault. I hope the CBT helps you.

Anyone else in your family or dad's family who was a slow speaker and how they dealt with it? Could you read stories to him while feeding the baby which might help his vocabulary

That sounds like a very heavy plate you are spinning.

Have you tried teaching sign language, it uses a different part of the brain and children can start signing from when they can clap/have control of their hands. Work out the most important ones for you, and use Makaton (Mr Tumble, Something Special), BSL or make up your own. Makaton hand actions are easier to master. Opening up the two way communication a bit will relieve frustrations on both sides. Speak and use the sign at the same time.

@BetFreda he has been diagnosed with glue ear but we are under watch and wait with ENT as they don’t think he has sufficient hearing loss to explain the speech delay. But our speech therapist disagrees.

@AlvinStardustsGloves I’m currently on maternity leave so not actually working at the moment. But it all feels too much.

You sound very stressed and the holidays are a lot.

What does the speech therapist think is causing the delay? Has he had his hearing tested?

My DS is 3 and still very speech delayed after having glue ear but he communicates loads and understands well so I'm not overly concerned.

@Halfemptyhalfling I hear lots of anecdotal stories from MIL about how my husband didn’t talk until he was 2. But my son is 2.5 now and progress is so slow.

Have a cup of tea with the terrible mothers’ club . Honestly, so many of us have been where you are: cut yourself some slack, allow yourself to feel how you feel, get your eldest back to school, take a deep breath and carry on. It won’t always feel like this. And get your dc’s hearing checked - conditions like glue ear often cause delayed speech and audiology testing is sometimes unreliable in kids this age.

And my 2y4m son who wasn’t talking at all (due to glue ear) is off to Oxford University next month. He only started talking when he had grommets fitted.

Makaton will really help.

If he and you can learn a few signs it will really help with communication.

There are a lot of baby signing classes around but a few signs will get you a long way

Have you had his eyes checked? Ds had severe speech delay and didn't start forming words until 2.5. This was about 3 months after he had his eyes tested and we found he had very poor eyesight and needed glasses.
He was referred to get his eyes tested at 2 due to family history but talk to your hv.

Our speech therapist said that because ds couldn't see face shapes or the way mouths formed the sounds it really impacted his speech.

He didn't show any signs of having poor eyesight, he didn't bump into things or anything and the optician said it was probably because he knew no difference and the world had always been blurry.

Hi OP, my eldest is nearly 3 and has a significant speech delay. I have a little cry about it most evenings at the moment!

I just feel so afraid that he won't ever speak.

no advice but just wanted to let you know you're not alone ❤️

@Allswellthatendswelll @MagentaRavioli he has glue ear but hasn’t had enough failed hearing tests to prove that it’s affecting his hearing and ultimately his speech. I think I’m pinning all my hopes on it being glue ear and it being ‘fixable’ rather than something more serious.

@RosieFlamingo it has crossed my mind because he does stand very close to the TV and has a tendency to squint/stare at bright lights. I will speak to my GP but at the minute I feel like a neurotic mother.

@ShazzaF so sorry you are going through the same. You feel helpless don’t you and yep I can’t imagine him talking and I’m scared he never will 😓

You are not a terrible mother. Is it possible you could be going through post natal depression/anxiety? It's definitely worth speaking to your gp ❤️

You're not a terrible mother or a neurotic mother - you are a caring, loving and concerned mother.

Have you told your DH how you are feeling? Trying to carry this load on your own is too heavy.

I second the thought of having his eyes tested - it's another base to cover.

But don't panic, and don't beat yourself up, you're doing ok.

My eldest DS was 3 before he started talking properly and honestly he is fine! He’s 8 now and excelling at school! My DD has Down syndrome and a language disorder, we use makaton with her. Using a few signs with DS really kickstarted his speech too, it’s really beneficial for all children! Look up Mr Tumble and Signing Hands for some ideas. You are really overwhelmed but you are doing amazing, just hang in there! X

You're not a terrible mother at all. Please talk to someone as it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. My son didn't speak properly until he was 3. We did speech therapy for a while but then one day he went from saying 2/3 words to literally speaking sentences. He's a happy healthy 10 year old now.

My LO had 8 hearing tests between birth and moving to a different audiology unit. None of the tests were conclusive. We transferred to a new audiologist in a different hospital and profound hearing loss was diagnosed.
Do push for a second opinion if you feel it’s necessary. In the meantime signing will really help DS.

OP you’re not a terrible mother at all, just having a really tough time. My friend has a boy with delayed speech - he’s 5 now and blossomed between 4-5, you would barely notice now. Focus on how you can dial the intensity of your feelings about this down - physically think about turning the dial down and perhaps ask for support with this through CBT. Ultimately, it’s not the most important thing if he’s otherwise health.

Re the glue ear, push as hard as you can to get answers. I don’t trust anyone’s single opinion with my or my children’s health - if you have a gut feeling that he’s not hearing properly, then keep pushing for tests and second opinions. If he attends a nursery, get them involved, your HV - anyone who will listen.

Hi OP, I resonate so much with your post! I have a 2.5 yo dd who is non verbal so completely understand how worrying it is. I also have a six year old who is autistic (but verbal) so do have a little bit of experience, little one hasn’t been diagnosed with anything but is awaiting a ND assessment. Have you been referred to a paediatrician to screen for any possible ND elements? It’s hard when they’re so little because they all develop at different stages, you’ll get so many people saying “oh my child didn't start talking until 3” or “mine was talking in sentences at 15 months!” You’re doing amazing having organised the private SALT as I know how expensive that is! Have you spoken to your health visitor?

bless you, you have a lot on your plate and I imagine having a newborn is especially tough!

Just to say you are doing amazing. A terrible mother wouldn’t care rather than care too much.

My eldest is nearly two and zero words, we’ve raised this with multiple HV’s and they’ve all said it’s most likely that we understand him through other means (like pointing, facial expressions) so there’s no impetus to make effort.

it could be glue ear as others have said or it could just be you know him too well!

good luck and be gentle on yourself

@Senparentingwoes we have his two year review with the HV coming up soon and I have already answered the ASQ questionnaire and he is only in the ‘grey’ monitoring area for communication, all the other sections he ‘passes’.

The speech therapist said in her initial assessment that she doesn’t believe ASD is a factor as he is a very communicative and sociable little boy, lots of eye contact, pointing, gestures, sharing his interests, plays with toys appropriately, always checks my face for reactions etc. I appreciate this doesn’t mean that it’s off the table but she does specialise in working with children with ASD. He has a few quirks that, if his speech was better I probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid at, like he’s not particularly interested in pretend play, and does like to line up his toy cars but only as part of wider play iyswim, he doesn’t do it with any other toys.

He has about 20 words that he uses but they are quite inconsistent and can sound different from day to day. But he understands many more words and can follow instructions so I’m just hoping his speech just needs to catch up. But it’s the unknown that is the hardest thing to deal with at the moment x

Does your son play with other children, so that he knows talking isn't just an adult thing?
Just a long shot.

@AlvinStardustsGloves yes he goes to nursery and he seems to be his most ‘chatty’ when he is playing alongside other children or his older cousins. Nursery haven’t expressed any concerns other than his speech delay.