I’m a terrible terrible mother

[bottomoftheheep]

I’m feeling so so lost and I’m scared that I won’t ever feel ok again. My 2.5yo has delayed speech and I’m finding myself worrying so much about him and what his future holds that I can’t bear to be around him as his lack of speech and behaviour upsets me so much. What kind of mother can’t be around her own son just because he can’t talk? When he goes to nursery I pick him up in the hope that he has learned a new word or miraculously started talking .

I also have a 6 year old son and a newborn baby daughter and the school holidays have been hard with them all but it’s no excuse. We are having private speech therapy and I have one on one time with him each day but his progress is so slow that I’m starting to dread it. I’m going to access some CBT through work as I’m clearly not ok. I’m just so ashamed that I feel like this.

@Toomanytesticles thank you ❤️ our speech therapist said the same and that it could be that his needs are being met without the need for speech so he has no motivation to talk. Basically he hasn’t realised the power of speech yet. But I don’t know how long that theory can last for!

Didn't mean to sound harsh, apologies

Do you ask him, without pointing being an option (items being in cupboard), questions like 'would you like a plain biscuit or would you prefer a chocolate one?' or 'would you like weetabix or coco pops for breakfast?' and wait for the answer? What happens then?

I had speech therapy until i was 7. Couldnt talk properly until then. Everyone at primary school thought i was foreign. Im fine now. No issues and i did amazing academically. Just work on his speech with the therapist. It will happen. My mum always read books with me so even though i couldnt speak, i could read.

He would probably go to the cupboard and open it and point to the one he wanted while repeating ‘more’ or ‘ta’ at me.

Dw, I was feeling particularly emotional and awful this morning so was somewhat of a hyperbole. But it genuinely makes me feel anxious to be around him at the moment which is a really lonely place to be. I’m going to self refer for CBT.

My son had suspected ASD, he is 4 and has only ever said mum without any real context - he babbles and hums songs. He is the youngest of 4, and he has taught me to have a lot more patience. I always see him as my little blessing, he is so innocent.

I have a little cry now and again as I'm worried about his quality of life and when I see him with his peers at school - I am frustrated and sad for him, as he has to go through this life and he may not speak. You are not a bad mother, we all deal with these things differently. I think you just have to take things as they come, day by day.

How is his understanding? We have just started objects of reference. You could try this, so you can communicate with him.

Sending you a hand hold 💐

Thank you. Your little boy sounds delightful.

I think his understanding is good although I have since been told that parents tend to overstate their kids understanding. He will go and get items if I ask him to ie ‘go get a bowl, or a cup’ if he’s gesturing to me that he wants a drink. Or ‘turn the piece around’ if he’s trying to do a jigsaw. But I guess these are phrases he hears everyday so they are somewhat engrained in him and are routine.

My ds is 3 yr 2 months and hasn't got speech. He uses non verbal cues and simple signs. He seems to have a bank of 5 words like Apple, bear, 'd' for dog. He learns other words but it's like his bank is full so doesn't say them again. I noticed this as did nursery at 2. They have been wonderful we met, they explained developmental concerns as did I, nursery introduced me to a nhs service called portage which aim to assess a child's development through play then offer ways to help with learning. Speech and language also have been referred to and have suggested that he maybe a Gestalt learner. Which is a new term (think I spelt it right) the theory being children learn language in chunks not singular words. Then looking at why, he has other developmental delays which suggest autism and he is on the list for assessment.

I would go and speak to the nursery with your concerns, go to the GP see if you can get a referral for speech and language. Finally if speech is his only development delay then I would not be overly worried about it (I know this is hard), if it's not a hearing issue then it's probably something he will pick up later on he has a spiky profile where he excels at some milestones but not at others.

If you feel it's more than speech- for us it's social, cognitive development too. Then there could be some thing else causing the delay.

Thank you! They did a portage profile at nursery a few months ago and expressive communication was the only area he was delayed in. He excels in gross and fine motor skills. I think they are doing a 2 year review to align with the HV one so will see where they have him then. It’s all just such a worry.

My son didn't speak till gone 3. He then came out with whole sentences. He is extremely intelligent and has a very good job, and outclasses us all academically.

Don't fret!

It’s so hard not to fret! I just can’t ever imagine him coming out with full sentences which I don’t know if it’s my anxiety tricking me or my gut telling me!

No advice but can I just say I said NOTHING not even mum until I was nearly 4. And then one day I just randomly said a sentence so do not panic just yet. Keep doing what you're doing and go one step at a time. If there is something going on with him then you will manage through and as for how your feeling it sounds normal for the situation you are in and your reaching out for help. One step OP JUST one step at a time

bottomoftheheep

Be kind to yourself, you're doing the best you can! Much love x

Ahh @bottomoftheheep… my son had delayed speech. Can’t shut him up now! He’s now one of the most articulate children in his year group.
He just took his time! Yours is probably doing the same!

Same… we went from no words to three word sentences practically overnight.

My 5 year old son once said "I can't hear the teacher Mummy but it's alright because I can read the worksheet "!!
As you can imagine I made a big fuss, phoned the hospital a lot and grommets solved the problem.
Good luck.

You have a 2.5 year old and a new baby! That alone is massive!! Be kinder to yourself. You’re doing a very very brilliant job and you clearly care very much- you are not a terrible mother. Quite the opposite!!! X

You are definitely not a terrible mother, however I completely understand the 'mummy guilt'.

My DS1 had a speech delay and then this was diagnosed as a speech disorder and he eventually was diagnosed with atypical autism.

I felt like I must have done something wrong (even though my ten years experience as an SEN teacher suggested otherwise)

We worked hard with the SALT and by 8yrs his speech was within the normal range.

Just to reassure you he has just completed his A levels (2 A*s and 2As) and is off to university. In sixth form he joined the debating club and his team did so well that they were invited to participate in the European Youth Parliament.

It is exhausting looking after three young children so please take care of yourself too.

Progress might be slow but you are doing an amazing job

From what the SALT and nursery have said it sounds like you don't need to worry. He will talk in his own time. I do get that it is hard when they get frustrated and upset. Remember all children are different and his development isn't a reflection on you.

Definitely get some help with the other stresses in your life and hopefully will give you some perspective.

You're not a terrible mother.

He's getting speech therapy which is good and they will be able to help you with strategies to improve his speech over time. Having his ears treated as well will help too, so you are doing all the right things.

Don't underestimate the effects of having a newborn baby and perhaps little sleep and lots of hormones will be having on your mood and your feelings. It is possible a lot of the extra guilt is added to by hormones and currently having newborn care along with the care of two other children to deal with.

You're doing a lot and clearly a loving mother who is getting her child the help that he needs. You're doing a great job.

Oh, love. You’re not a terrible mother at all - you obviously care a lot and have a lot on your plate.

My DD had glue ear as a toddler and her speech came on massively once she had grommets - this was done at the insistence of the audiology consultant, as the ENT lot weren’t keen. In your position, I’d really be pushing to address the glue ear before anything else.

Thank you everyone. I’ve had lots of tears today. I need to step away from Google as I’ve now convinced myself that he has ASD, which of course wouldn’t change who he is, but I’m just so fearful for his future. I’m absolutely exhausted of feeling like this.

You sound overwhelmed. I work in a school with a speech unit attached. Last term a boy left year 6 for grammar school who I taught in nursery. He had virtually no sounds, just a grunt. Now he is an eloquent, funny chatty boy.
It will improve. I think these things can make you incredibly stressed. I’ve never come across a child with speech problems who hasn’t made significant progress with time. X

You have also recognised he has a problem and done something. I’ve lost track of the children who have arrived at nursery and the parents have no idea their child has speech issues. So well done for that.