Grandparents who only play

[OliveLion]

My parents (grandparents to my 2x DC) only want to play with my children - no adult responsibility taken at all. I have no problem taking full responsibility for my children (obvs) but I am increasingly aware that in all situations where I see my parents my role has been cast as the evil mum who has to deal with exhausted children / saying no to riskier activities (not dangerous just not always age appropriate or supervised as closely by modern standards)- and mopping up melt downs from overly stimulated children. At which point grandparents disappear to leave me to deal with the mess. The finale is usually then my mum asking me why I look tired and stressed 🤣 It’s not much fun. Any tips to get a bit more balance in this relationship?

They can’t be that old, they’d need to be great grandparents not grandparents for that attitude! My mother is 75 and she was religious about sunscreen and water safety etc. My parents friend’s were too. They were well aware of the risks of things like skin cancer etc.

I had this a bit with my in laws when the children were toddlers but mainly with food (and I wasn't overly strict, was quite open to them having more treats while there). For example, once child was 2 or 3 and had had multiple large helpings of ice cream for pudding after lunch. Then maybe an hour later grandparent wanted to get them an ice cream from the ice cream van in the park and I had to say no... It isn't a nice feeling to be the mean one.
Giving them loads of juice just before bed/ a long car journey was another issue.
It came from a good place of wanting to spoil them but it definitely felt awkward sometimes. (Probably because I hate any kind of confrontation/disagreement).
It's much easier now they're older - we aren't there very often as not local so the odd day of living on ice cream and cake is fine and the same quantity for a 10 year old is relatively a lot less than a 2 year old.
So maybe it might get easier as children get older?

women are often told on here to become people pleasers and put wishes of grandparents and other extended family first

You must be reading an entirely different Mumsnet from the one I'm on.

My parents died before my children were born.
My husband's parents never knew them.
I'd have given anything to see my Mum play with my children. Just enjoy it.

I am a grandparent and hope I was fun when they were younger . They soon learn about nettles once they have been stung and where to find a dock leaf so if they are not allergic to nettles no major problem . We were hot on safety near open water but also ensured they all learnt to swim from an early age . Sun cream was applied before going out and while carrying water bottles was not a thing we did stop for drinks/ ice cream. They were often so tired they fell asleep in the car and were just lifted into bed. No harm in that occasionally. My DD trusted us and enjoyed her time off . The GC are very precious to us and no way we wouldn’t protect them.

What does 'not steering them away from open water' actually look like?

Come on they have more experience of child rearing than you
Credit them with common semse

My dd has no grandparents so be thankful.

I Hope I am a responsible grandparent but I spend a lot of time playing with grandchildren. I have two friends who have older grandchildren. One was a very responsible grandmother. She did a lot of telling them off. She tutored them in some key academic subjects ( ex teacher). She did worthy things with them. They have no interest in seeing her now they are late teenagers, off to university. The other friend has always played, loved and been so determined to give them a good time when she sees them. This summer, two of her grandchildren ( both at uni) have brought friends down to stay with her for a few days. She had a great time with them.
I look after my grandchildren a lot. I see another grandma who looks after her daughter's nine month old baby. Her idea of being a grandmother is to shout no at the baby all the time. She never plays with him. She is shouty and cross. She just wants to talk to other people about herself.
In my experience, lots of grandparents don't get down on the floor and play with their children. If I am honest the same is true of the mothers at Stay and Play sessions. By and large, Dads do play with their kids because they aren't interested in chatting to the other parents.

This.

If the grandparents playing with the grandchildren is making a stressed and overwhelmed mother’s life harder, rather than a neutral effect or even positive things need to change.

Either OP has a chat with them and says happy to play but could you back me up when children need to wind down, wear sunscreen, be water safe etc or limit your interactions with them.

Maternal burnout is real and there has just been a long term study into the negative effects. You shouldn’t have to be miserable to keep other people happy, there is a compromise if they are willing to make it, or limit contact if they won’t.

An I say this as someone whose children have no involvement with my child. (No need for the “at least they are interested brigade”, you can be interested and supportive to the parents).

water breaks?

Totally sympathise op. My in laws are exactly like this. It's exhausting. They won't change.
We leave the kids with my folks much more often.
Yes it's nice to be fun, but you also have to be an adult when in charge of children.

I'd set some ground rules that you discuss withh them and ask them to stick to but otherwise just wanting to play is how exactly how grand parents should be when the actual parents are around to do the parenting.

My mil acts like she is a full parent and tries to override what we, the actual parents say or do and expects to be fully included in the decision making. She means well but it is extremely annoying for dh and me and confusing for the kids.

I guess it depends the situation.

Grandparents popped over (unexpected but that’s another thread!) the other day and we were on a tight schedule as we were about to go out. They were happy playing with DD but she needed to eat before we headed out. So I passed them the bowl and spoon. If they weren’t there I would have fed DD that exact moment myself but then they’d be standing there like a spare part.

I guess it depends what relationship you’ve got. My family enjoy spending quality time with DD, they enjoy doing things like bath time and I get a rest.

Nah I would hate grandparents trying to take on a parenting role. They're not your kids, they're mine, you're here for their enjoyment only.

on this and similar comments - you get it’s a spectrum?? Doesn’t sound like OP is expecting them to be disciplinarian tutors, just to get them to wind down a bit at the end of a visit, slop on some sunscreen and carry a water bottle!

I’m new to grand-parenting and loving being able to learn from all the threads on here about the myriad pitfalls, but my priority is always my DD’s well-being so I just don’t get the either/or approach at all. Surely as your DPs they want you to have a good time too which means giving GCs a great time but using some common sense to keep them safe in as light touch fun way as possible.

I don’t think they can abdicate responsibility for helping keep safe from deep water. Although us GPs need to know all the latest safety stuff it is so boring for children who aren’t allowed to learn some things for themselves and take any risks at all eg running through field and avoiding nettles - a couple of minutes stinging, find a dock leaf and then OK so soon learnt. Obviously we all have slightly different ways of managing risk but the parents must be the ones that are in overall charge. I want to support my DD and SIL and be allowed to give GC a great time but v happy to work on clear communication so don’t undermine their ways. Like PPs have said it’s the fun grandparents we all wanted to see more of. So looking forward to messy play and outdoor adventures.

I had the best granny ever - she crawled around the floor playing games, let us ‘do’ her newly set hair😳, gave us wonderful teas, let us choose any icecream we wanted from the village shop, walk her dog round the garden, feed the hens and let us go wildly high on the seesaw. She died when I was nine but has been the biggest influence on my life and I’m so grateful for my time with her. I really want to be like that but more than happy to back up mum and dad, do the difficult tasks and help with the challenging moments of DGS. I think it will take a lot of clear communication to work well.

I think it's fine. They've done their parenting now they want to have fun.

Really? It's all over this very thread! Every single comment that says "let them" do the exact thing that's making the OP's life harder, with a spattering of the inevitable "be grateful" thrown in.

OP: Other adults are making my life harder.
Multiple posters: Let them and be grateful.

You'd never get that on MN in any context except where a woman has babies and small children. The worst are often the newborn threads where mothers are told they're being PFB if they don't let everyone "have a go" with the newborn, visit in hospital and at home soon after hand the baby around like a parcel, respect the "rights" of grandparents to the baby and completely hide the natural distress a lot of postpartum mothers feel in this situation. Of course there are always dissenting voices, but threads where new mothers are uncomfortable with visitors always go that way - and wind up with women told to be grateful for something that makes their life more difficult/ uncomfortable.

That was to saraclara

Its nice that they want to have fun, but it's too much if they're not being responsible and therefore making OP the 'baddie' if she says the kids needs suncream or some water.

My parents used to do this. If I said my kids needed suncream they'd call me boring and encourage my children to carry on playing and ignore me for example. If I'd made lunch and the kids were reluctant to come and sit and eat, my parents would say I was spoiling their fun or offer them cake/sweets instead of lunch. It made seeing them very difficult and unpleasant.

Playing is one thing, going against basic needs/rules is another.

I think only playing is great- playing takes time and focus like reading and can be great. Also no need to feel as GP you have to be doing childcare rather than just time didn't.
However that should also be in the context of supporting the parents in their parenting.

"Steer them away from stinging nettles and open water, back me up in the sun cream war, stop for water breaks.. that kind of level of responsibility."

Yeah parents didn't do that until the last 15 years!

Have I understood correctly that this is during visits with you present the whole time, not during time when they have sole care?

If that's the case, playing sounds absolutely fine to me, but if they step into actually undermining you it isn't.