Grandparents who only play

[OliveLion]

My parents (grandparents to my 2x DC) only want to play with my children - no adult responsibility taken at all. I have no problem taking full responsibility for my children (obvs) but I am increasingly aware that in all situations where I see my parents my role has been cast as the evil mum who has to deal with exhausted children / saying no to riskier activities (not dangerous just not always age appropriate or supervised as closely by modern standards)- and mopping up melt downs from overly stimulated children. At which point grandparents disappear to leave me to deal with the mess. The finale is usually then my mum asking me why I look tired and stressed 🤣 It’s not much fun. Any tips to get a bit more balance in this relationship?

i’m guessing you and your parents aren’t… close? back story?

how often do they actually see your children?

All sounds fine to me. That's pretty much what my parents did as GPs and they had a very close relationship with the children.
I think I will be the same, I don't know all the "rules" now and wouldn't want to inadvertently annoy DIL .

I think it would be fine to say eg can you sit them down for a cartoon for the last half an hour or something. And absolutely to nettles, water and sun cream.

These comments are crazy. It's not a grandparents job to make the parents job more difficult, the opposite actually. A grandparents 'job' is to love, care and play responsibly. Of course they don't have to do all the boring parts of parenting but that doesn't mean they have to just let or encourage the children to be feral then leave that for the parents to deal with.

Yy @Glitterbomb123

I get it OP. I have similar, no back up for the necessary but tedious bits - example, very young toddler fussing when having teeth brushed, grandparent bursts in room with "WHAT are you doing to my granddaughter hahaha!!" while I'm thinking "that's not actually terribly helpful, is it?"

the op gives no indication how often the Gps see the children nor what her relationship is like with her parents

and i suspect both relevant

Some of these comments are incredibly pious and invalidating.

OP, this sounds really really hard, and sounds like grandparents are unwittingly making your life harder. My automatic response to this is to feel like you’re not being parented by them anymore, as in maybe what you need from them is them to behave in a way that helps you, as their child. Does that resonate? (Or is this me just projecting my own feelings, whoops)

it doesn’t sound like you don’t want them to play at all, it sounds like you just want some
support as well. Which I’d say is totally reasonable! Maybe you could tell them how you’re finding parenting more generally, how hard it has been dealing with meltdowns etc without blaming. Maybe ask them how they managed, to see if it helps remind them?

Sorry that it’s been so hard and that you’ve come here to share and been met with more judgement.

To be fair @Blueowlnight we have very little information about what exactly the "problem" is.
If OP's parents are undermining her parenting then that is completely out of order. e.g if she's trying to get sun screen on the kids and her parents say "no need for that, we never had it in our day ..." then that's not ok.

Or if they see her struggling and do nothing to help even if asked e.g. " We need sun cream on now, I'll do Tom can you do Izzy Mum?" Then that's not ok either.

But she doesn't say that's what is happening. She seems to want her parents to be more like co-parents with her. E.g. if OP is expecting them to step in and take responsibility for getting those tasks done like I'd expect my dp to do, then that's not a reasonable expectation.

I see my grandparent role as loving and having fun with GC, within the context of meeting their needs. So that includes quiet time before bedtime, following safety rules, supporting toilet training, etc.

Having fun with GPs doesn't include wetting yourself because GPs forgot that you need regular toilet reminders; being wound up by noisy games before bedtime, etc - that's what I think OP is frustrated about.

This!

This.
Your turn to parent now. They have done theirs.

Well no that's a bit patronising if they are just playing and eg cooking etc they don't want to do battle tine etc so don't make it their job

My mum has no health and safety sense whatsoever. My kids absolutely adore her. They get up to all sorts of stuff - sometimes its dangerous, sometimes it's not. It's best not to watch.
The result is my kids (now 4 and 9) love her so so much. When we're on holiday they miss her.
In comparison, my in laws don't play with them (but do constantly worry, tell them to be careful, slow down, put on sun cream etc etc). And the kids aren't bothered about them in the same way. They're constantly tidying up after them (and by that I mean whip away toys they've just put down) and then breathe a sigh of relief when we put the tv on so they can 'control' the situation more. The kids never, ever ask for tv when they're with my mum. I know which kind of grandparent I would like to be!

Oh, and btw, yes my children do sometimes injure themselves with my mum. It hasn't been serious - just knocks and scraps but it's so refreshing seeing an older woman who cares deeply about them and helps them, but also let's them climb ladders, run on gravel, etc. Its normal for a kid to sometimes hurt themselves. My in laws, however would be mortified.

Grandparents can’t do anything right on Mumsnet.

This!

I'm old enough to be a grandmother but I'll always be my children's parent - why would I want to actively throw hurdles in my children's way and deliberately make their lives hard when they are parents (or treat my grandchildren as entertainment/ toys/ props I'm "entitled" to amuse myself with).

Some of the other answers are really unpleasant and difficult to understand as the parent of an adult!

You're getting a hard time here, @OliveLion .

Your parents are being selfish and self indulgent. The children are not interactive toys, and if the GPs are not listening to your instructions about sunscreen or being careful about water, etc, I'd limit the contact.

YYY to this.

You would expect a hired babysitter or any other grownup in charge of the children to see to their needs - sunscreen, emotional regulation, safety near water and nettles, hydration, not filling them with Pepsi, etc.

Why do grandparents get a free pass on this? Children are completely dependent on the adults they're with to act like grown ups when they're with them, and these grandparents are instead using them for their own amusement, with no regard for the children's needs.

And yet they presumably managed to bring up their own children successfully? There are too many rules and regulations involved these days, it doesn't hurt kids to have a bit of time away from them. Apart from sense around open water - and I doubt it's as bad as OP thinks - there is nothing overly dramatic about her examples. GCs are supposed to be fun, parents are supposed to be the responsible ones.

How often do you see them? Once a month or less let them enjoy it. More regularly you probably need to have a word about not making you bad cop.

I was brought up in the 60s and 70s too.

Sunscreen? You bet your sweet life it will be applied regularly throughout the day.

Nettles? I wouldn't wish nettle stings on anyone, and I would do my utmost to keep any child in my care away from nettle patches (and wasp nests, thistle patches, etc).

Water? Yes, children need to drink water throughout the day, and if that means frequent bathroom breaks, it's a sign they're drinking enough. Sorry for the inconvenience, but dehydration isn't good for anyone, especially children.

Too many rules?
You're living in the past. Change frequently means improvement, especially when it comes to children's safety.

Too many children of the 60s and 70s didn't make it to the point where they could look back with rose rimmed spectacles at their childhoods.

My mum and MIL are in their early 70s. I opted to have a kid later in life and I can see they are young at heart but physically have trouble. I don’t want either to feel pressure to chase a toddler. I’m happy DC has a chance to know them. I didn’t know any grandparents and it’s wonderful to see how much they bring to a relationship no matter the role they’re playing.

Are your parents taking your children on their own and then returning dehydrated sunburnt children or is this when you are on days out together? I wouldn't expect my dm to take responsibility for those things if I was there too to be honest. I would expect her to keep my kids healthy and safe if they were solely in her care though.