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Grandparents who only play

75 replies

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:25

My parents (grandparents to my 2x DC) only want to play with my children - no adult responsibility taken at all. I have no problem taking full responsibility for my children (obvs) but I am increasingly aware that in all situations where I see my parents my role has been cast as the evil mum who has to deal with exhausted children / saying no to riskier activities (not dangerous just not always age appropriate or supervised as closely by modern standards)- and mopping up melt downs from overly stimulated children. At which point grandparents disappear to leave me to deal with the mess. The finale is usually then my mum asking me why I look tired and stressed 🤣 It’s not much fun. Any tips to get a bit more balance in this relationship?

OP posts:
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CookieMonster28 · 01/09/2024 11:28

As someone who's in laws have only seen my 13 month old 5 times since she was born and have shown very little interest...I'm not sure you'll get much sympathy! How lovely that your parents want to play and enjoy their grandchildren, that's precious! Maybe just encourage some calmer play and activities in the last hour or so?!

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:31

I’m sorry @CookieMonster28 that does sound tough :( I am genuinely pleased that they have a lovely relationship. Just a bit concerned that it will break me in the process 🤣

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 01/09/2024 11:31

I don't think it's wrong to be a grandparent that only wants to play, I expect I'll be like that if I have them. That being said I think grandparents should respect the parents rules and boundaries for their children and not make the parents lives more difficult.

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Wishimaywishimight · 01/09/2024 11:31

Surely that's the whole joy of being a grandparent? They've already done the 'being responsible' bit.

probster · 01/09/2024 11:31

this is lovely!! let them enjoy

Floralnomad · 01/09/2024 11:32

What else do you expect them to do ?

FatmanandKnobbin · 01/09/2024 11:34

It's balanced exactly as it should be.

You're the parent so you do the parenting, they are the grandparents so they get the fun bits.

Henleylady · 01/09/2024 11:34

That is their job is it not?

Bramblesandbracken · 01/09/2024 11:35

It really is not down to them to do the responsibility bit! Speaking as a Mum who had no input at all from any grandparent of my children, you really should try to appreciate how truly lovely your parents are being.
Make sure they respect your boundaries etc (no sweets before dinner/no naps at 6pm, whatever) but otherwise treasure what you have.

NavyDeer · 01/09/2024 11:37

I think the replies so far are quite invalidating to poor old @OliveLion Nobody wants to be put in the position of being mean mum after the kids have been wound up. There's a balance to be struck. I wouldn't like it either. My mum managed to find a balance when my children were small, and I'm trying to emulate that now I'm a grandparent.
How are your parents at communication OP?

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:37

Steer them away from stinging nettles and open water, back me up in the sun cream war, stop for water breaks.. that kind of level of responsibility.

OP posts:
Chandeliergirl · 01/09/2024 11:38

Just send them home a bit earlier and be glad they're like this.

Moonshiners · 01/09/2024 11:38

I'm sorry but that is their main role (if you are lucky, my FIL has met his grand children about 5 times. The eldest is 18! He has never played with any of them.) That said they should back you up with any disciple and not sabotage your rules.

NavyDeer · 01/09/2024 11:38

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:37

Steer them away from stinging nettles and open water, back me up in the sun cream war, stop for water breaks.. that kind of level of responsibility.

I agree @OliveLion

DPotter · 01/09/2024 11:42

Nothing wrong with grandparents playing - however I would suggest you put in boundaries BEFORE things get wild and giddy.

So say to the kids - we're only going to granny & grandad's for an hour, then we're going home. Or only one bar of chocolate at granny's. Or No climbing the curtains at granny's. OK I know they'll 'forget' you said this but you will know and will feel less like the killjoy Mum.

Also the same for the grandparents - boundaries first. And yes they may 'forget' too but the same applies.

And annoyingly for you - you will have to police the situation and step in when things start to ramp up too much. EG, Give a 10 min 'we're going home' warning and stick to it. Think of this as leaving them wanting more, not that you're stopping the fun.

Alternatively - suggest the kids have a sleep over at granny's and just leave them to it.

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:43

Good advice from all - thank you 🙏

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MrsBobtonTrent · 01/09/2024 11:44

I'm happy for grandparents to be the "fun adult", as long as they remain an adult. So yes, I would expect road/water safety, sun cream/hats. But I also expect tired kids full of sugar. I found it easier not to be around as I don't appreciate my authority being usurped (which happened A LOT when DC were small). No point in me standing there being ignored or disobeyed. I made my lines in the sand very clear and then left them to it. It was the only sane way.

Whale80ne · 01/09/2024 11:45

Do they ignore your boundaries for your children (eg. if you say it makes your life hard and your children miserable the next day if they miss their midday nap or go to bed much later than usual do they plan things which make it impossible to get the children to nap and into bed roughly as normal and make it hard to say no without a big argument and upset children?) and overrule you, ridicule you saying no in front of your children, call you things akin to a "fun sponge", come over uninvited at bedtime and rile the kids up?

If so YANBU

Or do they respect your rules and boundaries but just play with the kids and not tell them off, not tell them to eat their vegetables/ quieten down, not put them to bed because you're there to do that, look to you for an answer when they ask for something they're not usually allowed etc.?

If so YABU

Grandchildren aren't toys and women are often told on here to become people pleasers and put wishes of grandparents and other extended family first despite the fact that doing so makes the younger woman's life harder and often makes the children miserable the next day.

This is really hypocritical as we tell women to stand up for themselves and not be people pleasers in every other context.

On the other hand grandparents don't owe their adult children childcare.

So it really depends what's happening in more detail!

Don't feel pushed into accepting something that consistently makes your life harder on a regular basis though!

shallweorderpizza · 01/09/2024 11:45

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:37

Steer them away from stinging nettles and open water, back me up in the sun cream war, stop for water breaks.. that kind of level of responsibility.

Sounds exhausting and no fun for you and no, I don’t think it’s the ‘job’ of grandparents to ruin the relationship between parent and child to be honest.

Floralnomad · 01/09/2024 11:53

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:37

Steer them away from stinging nettles and open water, back me up in the sun cream war, stop for water breaks.. that kind of level of responsibility.

Well that is just using common sense and if they haven’t got that they wouldn’t be out with my kids in the first place .

Expatfamily · 01/09/2024 12:08

‘Ah great you’re here you try to get DC to eat all their lunch’.

‘Would you like to give them a bath?’

‘Here’s their PJs, and then would you like to read them a book?’

KnittedCardi · 01/09/2024 13:39

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:37

Steer them away from stinging nettles and open water, back me up in the sun cream war, stop for water breaks.. that kind of level of responsibility.

Nettles, meh, open water, yes, sun cream, put some on in the mornjng, then don't stress, so meh, water breaks not necessary. You can tell I am old. We were brought up in the 60's and 70's. The happiest childhood generation, care free childhoods. That's why we just play with grandkids, too many rules these days 😊

mushypaperstraws · 01/09/2024 13:45

Fear of nettles, suncream and water breaks - these are fairly modern considerations and I'm guessing your parents are of the generation that think suncream is always necessary, they'll drink when they're thirsty and they'll learn to avoid nettles by getting stung.

I'm not saying they're right btw, just saying that it's probably not in their culture/generation to worry about this stuff.

I would bet my house they enact parenting responsibilities when it comes to saying Ps & Q's and respecting elders!

BigAnne · 01/09/2024 13:49

Expatfamily · 01/09/2024 12:08

‘Ah great you’re here you try to get DC to eat all their lunch’.

‘Would you like to give them a bath?’

‘Here’s their PJs, and then would you like to read them a book?’

😂😂😂😂😂😂

OnlyWhenILaugh · 01/09/2024 14:07

OliveLion · 01/09/2024 11:37

Steer them away from stinging nettles and open water, back me up in the sun cream war, stop for water breaks.. that kind of level of responsibility.

If you're all out together then it's your role to set your rules.
I'd make sure my kids knew what stinging nettles were but gradually after that I'd expect them to avoid them or learn by experience. Really not an issue.
If you're walking near open water you state your expectations to your children and the GPs and follow up if not being followed. So if a child was doing something dangerous I might ask GP to intervene "Dad could you get Johnny keep to the path" etc.
If I'm with other people's children I'd expect them to let me know if my 'risk taking' approach was different to theirs.

If GPs have the dc by themselves I'd want to know they'd keep them safe and stuck to my safety rules.