How would you approach this gently

[Orangepen13]

Trying to gentle parent my 2yr 8mo old is exhausting. How would you approach this?

child is 6 weeks into potty training. We have two rules: we try before we leave the house, and when she wees in her knickers she helps clear up by taking them to the washing machine. We brought this one in because she keeps starting to wee in her knickers and we wanted to make it more significant - I don’t know if this is right or not.

She was already having a natural consequence because she refused to try before she was supposed to go to the vets with my partner, so she stayed at home with me. Then about 5 minutes she weed in her knickers before getting to the potty. I told her to take her knickers to the washing machine (careful to have full attention) and she ignored me. I told her to take them
again and she said “no” and just stared me down. I said for a third time in a firm voice “it is time to take your knickers to the washing machine now” and she just flat out said “no” and stared at me.

my baby was screaming, which probably informed my next move, which was to stand up, tell her I need some space, and left the room. I was furious, so this came out with an edge to my tone and a stomp.

we’ve talked about it since but in my reflections I’m just not sure how to have been authoritative and hold the boundary with this flat out refusal. Any advice?

2 year 8 mo is still very young, maybe try potty training again in 6 months time x

If you are 6 weeks in and she is weeing herself still then I would say she probably isn’t ready to potty train.

In that scenario I'd have given a choice, ok well your knickers need to go to the washing machine so you can take them now and then we can do x nice thing, or if you leave it til later we won't be able to do anything fun now. Or similar.

what makes you think she’s ready?

I wouldn’t be turning this into a battle

If she’s been potty training for 6 weeks and still not got it then she’s not ready - put her back in nappies. It’s a 3 or 4 day job when they’re ready.

As for what to do? Either left it and told her it needed to be done before x / y / z or picked her, and the knickers up, and taken her to the washing machine. Then popped them in and said “done now” and got on with my day.

She's clearly not ready. Go back to nappies and try again in a few months.

I do think you are not helping by putting rules in place. Kids so have accidents, there shouldn't be negative consequences to it. Forcing her to clear up her own wet knickers because she has had an accident is quiet cruel.

Kids can of course help generally with filling the washing machine, but the way you have set out the rules is making it a punishment.

She's not ready. Once they are ready it'll take a few days. Try her again in a few months

I think you behaved in a cruel way. She is still very little and all kids have so many accidents on the way to being reliable. She has a new sibling and a mother who is punishing quite harshly when she has an accident. Go easy on her and praise praise praise when she remembers.

^^

Imagine if teachers constantly challenged children in this way. Deal with the accident and use a ton of praise when she makes it to the potty on time.
Teachers are taught to praise 7 times for every correction. Make sure positive reinforcement is part of potty training

We’ve decided we’re not stopping potty training. She gets most of it, does poos consistently well, but just tends to do a few drops of wee in her knickers sometimes rather than trying at intervals or responding to the feeling. We have accident free days so I think it would be confusing to go back

I hope it doesn’t come across as a punishment to take her knickers to the washing machine, it’s not meant to be it was more a “pitching in together” approach to help encourage regular tries when we say. We can change this though, I’ve been unsure about it. Just losing a bit of confidence in what is right and wrong

good idea to offer the choice, I need to remember that in future! Think that’s my learning point from this one

we’ve had a rough day of it today with a very grizzly 3mo and very defiant toddler so I’m just shattered tbh. Not my best response, will do better another day.

(Also, fwiw, we do offer loads of praise and high 5s etc. This was a one off moment after a long day. Not justifying it, just reiterating that we’re not having to do this all the time)

I personally think it is better to be gracious when it comes to cleaning up and model the behaviour we want. I want to raise the kind of child who is happy to chip in and clean up a mess even if it isn't their mess. So for this sort of thing I'd say "oh, your knickers are wet. We better get them in the machine. Can you pop them in there?" And if they refuse just "don't worry, I can help you" and get on with it. It sounds counterintuitive, but it has really helped and now my children clean up their own mess 95% of the time, and are also happy to chip in and clean up other people's mess too without being asked.

Putting her knickers in the machine shouldn't be a punishment and it really isn't something I'd engage in a power battle over.

I read you were meant to avoid potty training around the birth of a new sibling. Honestly it’s not worth getting so stressed over. use pull ups for a few months so she can still go when she wants and try again.

I think you need to take the pressure of her. Carry on if you want to but don't react or make a big deal when she has an accident and don't make her take her pants to the washing machine.
She will still be getting used to sharing you with the baby and no longer being your baby
Give her time .

I know you don’t think you are, but making her take her wet knickers to the machine is punishing her. You even refer to it yourself as a consequence. Now maybe she feels self conscious about it?

She’s ever so young for this. Don’t turn this into a battle.

Sounds like a sure fire way to give a child issues around the toilet. Leave it until she!s ready herself.

Sadly I think you have unintentionally turned this into a bit of a battle. In general I avoid situations where they can refuse and then I'm left with nowhere to go. I always feel 10 x worse when I try to enforce rules like this and they don't listen, so I learnt quickly to drop that
So (for example) I would directly ask them to get into their car seat because if they don't I know I can just take over and put them in, or say we're not going out (so, I have a next step in mind, I'm not stuck)
But in this situation if your little girl says no, and you obviously don't want to let it go... then there's an instant stand off. Which is not where you want to be! I would try to never get into stand offs like that. I think you have to pick your battles and this one just isn't important at all.

Specifically in relation to potty training, I think she sounds like she's doing great, it's perfectly normal for them to hold their pee until the last second as they don't want to interrupt what they're doing and miss out. So that's why they often get caught short a few drips. It's really no big deal at all and I wouldn't make it into one,
I just say oh that's fine, and I sort the underwear out. Also when I can see my child is desperate for a pee but holding it in, I promise to pause the game until they're back or not let younger sibling touch their stuff etc, whatever it is they're probably worried about missing out on. This usually helps.

Finally I wanted to say - you mention that you want her to recognise and respond to the feeling of needing the toilet, yet you're simultaneously doing the opposite of that by dictating and demanding that she use the toilet at set times (before going out). That's literally the opposite of listening to her body and recognising the feelings by herself. It must be confusing for her but also, again, turns it into a battle. If my little one says they don't need the toilet then that's the end of it, if an accident did follow I would never say 'told you so', as they will learn themselves over time and I'm just there to support them and be kind and gracious.

Hope none of this sounds negative and judgemental. We all have our bad days when we are so wound up, it's hard work and sounds like you're doing a great job, and fact that you're on here asking for more support shows you're so committed to being a fab mum. It's bloody hard those early days with 2
Good luck ❤️

Poor kid. She’s too young and not ready. Try again in 6 months.

Op, gentle parenting and natural consequences are an absolute waste of time. Rely on your maternal instincts, read your child, don’t parent her according to some very underqualified but ‘trendy’ instagram accounts. Agree she is probably not ready for potty yet.

Out of interest what is your understanding of gentle parenting and what do you feel is a better method?

The way I see it there’s ’gentle parenting’ as per the book, and how it is implemented in practical terms. I know quite a few people who use it and I have to be honest, their kids are really unhappy - anxious, angry or just confused a lot of the time. It treats children like they’re small adults, they’re not.

I think it’s fine to ask her to put her knickers in the washing machine as long as it’s an “oh dear, can you pop them in the washing machine sweetheart” and not shaming. They get distracted and don’t want to stop to go for a wee, it’s totally normal, she’ll get it.

I get the trying to get her to put them in the machine. It’s great (we ask our son to put his clothes in the wash basket before a bath). If he does it, lots of praise otherwise on days when he’s tired and can’t, I just do it. Have some flex, don’t force stuff so rigidly on her.

i think you need to be a bit softer and kinder in your approach

@MSLRT

of course she's not too young. She's 2.8. Yoilrtbtraining is getting later & later. A large chunk of that is down to the convenience of disposables.

@Orangepen13

i wouldn't 'go back' either. How does she react to being in damp knickers? I'd put a pile of clean ones by the washing washing machine, she can choose to put the damp ones in the machine and get a fresh pair, or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have to say though, you should have done this well before you had the baby, it's not good timing. She wants your attention like the baby.

stop making her 'try' before going out, just have a potty on hand. You're confusing her signal to go.