Partner says our son’s behaviour isn’t right.

[Sarahxz]

Our son is 3 year old, he won’t get his haircut so I have to try to do. My partner thinks this isn’t right and thinks that our son should just sit and let me cut it. He basically starts raising his voice to ds, holds a towel round him and basically holds him in place. As you can imagine our son kicks off with this and cries, this morning was the same yet he was just holding him down and shouting at him, ds was hysterical shouting help me. Partner shouting at me telling me to just cut it. He lost his temper and let ds go, he proceeded to take away all iPad, turn tv off until he has his hair cut, he says our son isn’t right and his behaviour isn’t normal. He says you should be able to break him then he’ll eventually have it cut.
He’s also due to start nursery next week and I know he’s not going to want to go as he’s been at home with me for 3 years. Partner says they won’t allow him there in the end and he’s a danger to other children tantruming like he is.
He doesn’t like the dentist/ doctors and will tantrum there too but to me it’s normal toddler behaviour, am I wrong?

Sometimes you absolutely do have to make a child do something. But it's very, very common for small kids to be scared of getting their hair cut and shouting at him, holding him down and trying to 'break' him isn't going to make him any less scared - quite the opposite.

DS refused the hairdressers etc until around school age, I'd never really known a child like it but it turned out later he had ASD.
Your child is going to end up absolutely terrified of his dad if he carries on like that, small kids are stressful but if he starts feeling himself getting frustrated and angry like that then he needs to walk away rather than try to force the situation.

It's normal for some children and not for others, maybe there is or isn't something typical about your child, but ultimately you have to parent the child you have.
As for all the LTB crew they seem to be in most threads and not really very helpful!
I would say your approach is more likely to build trust and reduce stress, but for us hair cutting went better with screens, but hair washing was a no go for quite a while! My partner thought it basically had to be done every week, but short of wearing ear defenders to block the screaming it wasn't really possible.
In the end we changed expectations and allocated a ridiculous time to persuade/put him in control/do it step by step and say first it was just wetting the back if his hair and drying it after.
After a few attempts we could add shampoo, and now about 2 years later he is fine with washing it, but it was a lot of work and an ordeal and some might say pandering to him, not to mention slightly smelly hair too much of the time. Oh and he's being assessed for ASD in the end.
I think the key is changing your expectations rather than being focused on completing the task.
Your partner will learn, as long as you all keep communication open and that they are otherwise reasonable. Young children can be a shock to the system (especially if inflexibility runs in the family)
Good luck.

It is normal behaviour! I would just leave his hair long if he hates getting it cut that much.

Your DH's behaviour is not normal though....

My son didn't use to like haircuts. I used to cut his hair when he was asleep, bit by bit! 😅 He grew out of it though and will happily go to the barbers now, especially if there's a lollipop to be had the end.
Your husbands behaviour is more the concern though. I agree with Johnd2's advice above.

Thank you for all your responses.
my eldest who is now 15 hated having his haircut I had to do it for years and now you can’t keep him out of the hairdressers.
My husband (not eldest dad) doesn’t like him, he won’t send our child to the same private school as he says he doesn’t want ds like him.
I suffered PND and he still refers to it as the time I was mental. He also thinks he deserves some sort of apology for what I put him through.
DS is still in nappies, won’t entertain the potty so husband won’t let him come out of a cot until he’s out of nappies, he says that he’s still a baby if he’s in nappies so he can stay in the cot until he stops being a baby.
Again my eldest was the same with potty training wouldn’t entertain it then one day just decided he wanted to be in big boy pants he was around 3.5 years then. My husband doesn’t think that’s right and I should be more constructive with him and make him use the potty.

Your H is an abusive bully. He knows nothing about child development. He's horrible to both your sons and to you. Why does he get to decide about how to parent your son? You need to leave him. Get some support from womens aid and look at doing the freedom programme.

If you are honest with yourself are you being constructive with him? Have you tried potty training? And yes I have been firm with my son when it came to having his hair cut and have had to practically hold him down whilst at the barbers

Your husband is a nasty bully

Your poor baby

I'm don't think these issues, the haircuts and potty training, are unreasonable things for him to have a discussion with you about strategies. The way he is going about it all is what's wrong. He doesn't sound like a nice person to be honest.

You need to get yourself and your sons out. What you've described are not the actions of a loving father- to know that he doesn't like your eldest son is the hugest of red flags. He sounds very rigid in his approach and controlling. From what I'm reading, it doesn't seem like you have a voice in this relationship at all. I would start gathering financial and practical advice.

Absolutely normal. If its that important to you try going to a nice barbers just you and DS. but DS is 3 and has never had his hair cut and strangers stop to say how beautiful his hair is.

Wow! The initial post was bad enough but your update makes it worse. Why on earth did you marry someone who doesn't even like your first son?

The abuse from your husband is going to seriously damage your son. Think carefully about that. I hope he doesn't say such awful things in front of your teenager.

With regards to the haircut, there are many barbers now that are experienced with children who hate having their hair cut. Some near us have special chairs for toddlers that are like little cars. Have you tried finding a barber that deals with frightened children?

I wouldn't worry too much about nursery. It may take him a little while to settle, but hopefully the different toys and having playmates will make it a fun place for him.

I dont think it matters whether he is right or wrong about whether hair cuts should be easy to do, or potty training should have started, because his technique to achieve them sounds very ineffective and from this description raises red flags.

You don't need to break your child by raising voices, pinning down, loosing tempers, stomping about removing stuff and that really sounds awful.

Have you somewhere safe to go for a think? In lots of women's toilets (especially in health are settings) will find numbers for women's refuge helplines who you could speak to about what's going on and get some advice.

Your partner sounds frightening. Who talks about breaking a 3 year old? Abusive arseholes that’s who. You need to get your kids away from him and protect them both.

Your husband is a a wimp, coward. A beta male that would crap himself in front of another man. You're desperate to stay with him also.
He wants to break toddlers! What a pathetic piece of ....

I would be doing a moonlit flit with both children either to a refuge or to another part of the country. Your partner genuinely sounds dangerous. Why you married him when he doesn't like your eldest child is beyond me but what's done is done. What's important now is to protect both boys from him.

The only thing you need to cut is cutting your excuse of a husband and father. Please don’t let your child suffer anymore, if you allow this to continue then you are also responsible for not safeguarding him

cut out

Your partner is a terrible father and an awful human being. You sound lovely and caring, your poor boys and you deserve better.

He abusive to you and the children. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't like my existing children, it's not something I'd ever want to expose my children to.

This man has no idea about normal child development and appropriate parenting. His comments about the cot and toilet training are just so wrong headed it's unbelievable. Your 3 year old can't make the connection he's artificially imposing and will no doubt be terrorised by your husband if he ever has any accidents when toilet training.

I'd want to take my children as far away from this man as I possibly could.

Your husband sounds frustrated but tbh your son sounds a little spoilt, do you think you have spoilt him? Do you think his tantrums are in the range of normal? I'm assuming you don't since you have posted on here for advice. Don't listen to the misandrist banshees on here telling you to leave your husband because he is acting like a man and not a woman. The point is you are supposed to work together to give your son balanced parenting and if you cannot control your son for a few minutes to sit still to have his hair cut or he's teeth checked - maybe your husband has a point.

@Sarahxz please ignore the sexist drivel posted above! Your son is not spoilt, he is displaying absolutely normal behaviour for a small child.

Your husband is an abusive cunt to your tiny little boy, but also to your eldest son who is only 15. I dread to think of the damage that has done to your teenager. I expect he’s a piece of shit to you too.

He needs to go. Please don’t stay to ‘protect’ your children. They’re exposed to him all of the time currently. And I wonder how much he’ll actually bother himself to see his child if you make him leave.

You’re dangerous. ‘Acting like a man’. Are you serious? This comment is from a dangerous male abuse-apologist.