Mum favouring grandchildren

[Clumsy12345]

Has anyone been in a situation where their mum treats your children very very different from your other nieces or nephews? So I have 4 children my brother has 2 my mum has his 2 children literally every week, overnight for sleep overs you name it but she has them every week whenever they want. But she will never ever have mine im a lone parent and my brother and his gf are in a relationship. Not only that but she posts constant pictures of them up her WhatsApp again I'm talking daily, at least 10 different pics on her status but never any of mine. Also she has pics of them all round the house but again none of mine. For Christmas she bought mine gifts from the charity shop (I'm not a snob if that's all she can afford) but it isn't as she let me know she bought them a £300 play house for the garden, as she was telling me it's better than the one I bought my daughter. The items she bought them weren't even thoughtful think fisher price preschool toys for a 5 year old. Has anyone been in a situation like this where their mum treats grandchild very different? I stopped speaking to her last year because of it. She knows my kids dad isn't involved so I never get a single minute to myself but will watch me struggle meanwhile my brother and his gf are very much together and she has a huge family and loads of sisters that help her out too whereas I have no one just feels weird she would happily watch me struggle. Just wondered if anyone had been in this situation and why would a mother treat her grandchildren so obviously different?

That’s just awful. I wouldn’t have my children put in that situation. Just don’t bother with them. What is the loss to any of you really?

I have experienced similar, it really hurts.

Let the golden child care for DM in her old age.

Yep..
3 sets of grandparents and each one spends alot of time with the other sets. It's like they can only cope with 1 set, and the ones that claim to not be coping or make stupid decisions get the help/time and money. I give up with all of them!

We experienced similar from my MIL, her other grandchildren were very much preferred over our children. I found it really hurtful. It didn't change.
I'd just accept it and maybe look to friends to have a couple of your children for a bit of a break- you can then reciprocate.
Apologies if you're already doing this, I haven't read the full thread.
Just sending sympathy really, it's very hurtful.

As a grandmother I don't understand her at all and I feel very sorry for you. Can you ask her why? Does she disapprove of your life choices and punish you for them? No real advice here but dwelling or fixating about it won't help you. It's hard but sometimes people just do mean things. I have friends who treat all grandchildren step/blood totally equally (not sure about inheritance 😁) and other friends who don't, every family is different. Does your brother notice does he not say anything.

Reading all these posts made me really sad, as a mum snd a Gm I feel so sorry for you all. I just don't think there is anything you can do apart from writing a letter with everything written down. Keep it for a few days read it and if you still feel the same send it. X

Had exactly the same with my now ex PIL. SIL was the golden child, even bought a house next door to PIL to ensure she got all the baby sitting etc. MIL didnt give a toss about her sons children (my ex).

It has now trickled down to the great grandchildren, baby sits them regularly, couldnt pick my grandchild out of a line up.

I have it a bit different where my son is the fave and my daughter wasn't bothered with much, I said that it would cause issues down the road, I didn't like it and it constantly caused issues and arguments.

Now my son is older they complain my daughter doesn't have that same bond with them, mum says she hates me etc, (talking about my daughter) which she doesnt, she just is very self reserved and she knows its only because ggc isnt there any more, you can't make kids feel 2nd best and then when the fave grandchild grows up, sees how you are and isn't interested expect the other one to stand in. Then blame the child for the state of the relationship.

It's hard I know and i really feel for you, I would just let her get on with it and protect your kids as much as possible, it's really sad that she is pushing them away, she sounds very narcissistic and when she's older and she wants her grandchildren she'll end up very much on her own. You get out of relationships what you put in. They aren't toys, they are kids with feelings, they also aren't stupid and will see her for what she is x

not easily when they are difficult might be just her if you can do without them going round then get on with being a family she might get jealous one day i have the same problem with my mum going out with my sister everyweek i would not take it personnel do what you can for your children we never had any money so been very hard. maybe if you get your brother to come round to your house so they can mix more with each other my sister takes mine on holiday every year because of my m-i-l my mum never got a relationship with me and my kids and i have had the same problems they like his mother over me any day of the week breaks my heart, due to my husband being sneaky with going up her house every other day mine are 16 and 19 now and I have never had anything from my kids best advice I can give make sure you make the most of your family take no notice of the woman.

Your mother sounds very unfair but I'm surprised your brother can't see what's happening.
My MIL tried to favor my kids over my two SILs kids, buying them gifts when we went shopping together. I knew it would put a strain on my relationship with them. So I politely said, buy it for all you gc, or for none.

My MIL is exactly the same and we are now NC with her after years of putting up with it.

We have a similar situation with my partners mum, it’s very odd. My partner has step sisters who are older, my partner is his mother’s only biological child. All the sisters have children, our daughter was born in May this year. I can count on one hand the number of times she has seen her biological grand daughter yet she sees the step daughters children multiple times every week due to school and nursery pick ups and regular sleep overs. My partner thinks really weird as well because it’s like his mum doesn’t know how to interact with our baby yet she’s fine with the other kids. We get on super well with his step sisters but it’s not like his mum has got the closest relationship with them which makes it even odder.

I grew up being treated differently than my brother by my dad’s mum. My brothers mum unfortunately died before he was 2 and my dad remarried then I came along. It was almost like I was being punished for just existing. I didn’t like her and I didn’t have a relationship with her, I’m worried my daughter is going to be like this with my partners mum. We don’t even have to limit contact because it’s so rare that they see each other but I will be mindful of it as my daughter grows up. Luckily my parents are the most loving grandparents and my partners aunt is also amazing.

I feel your pain. I have two sisters. One has 4 children by two different fathers and has not worked for 30 years due to agoraphobia, ( though she's always posted about attending protests and marches, takes the kids to school and goes out shopping). She's just work shy. Yet my mum idolises her and treats her 4 DC's to everything. I tried to form a close relationship with my neice and nephews, I always took the time to treat them yet gave up this year due to thinking for 20 years I've barely had a thank you from any of them and my sister has never ever given my DD anything.

My other sister and I work hard and only have one DC each. Not only has my mum never had them overnight, or even for a day out, they often never get a mention or thought. For example my DD did really well on her A levels, not even a response like 'well done' let alone a card or present. Years ago, I witnessed my mum walk right past my daughter and didn't recognise her, I was a few feet behind her, she saw me and I said why have you not knowledged my DD, she said "oh I was miles away" and the proceeded to ignore DD! My DD knows that's her gran, but she doesn't call her grandma, nanny, gran or any other iteration, like me, she gave up years ago! She treats my other sister's DS the same way. We all gave up trying years ago. Sometimes there is no logic or reason, I think possibly it is a mental illness and my other sister is weird and maybe just feels more comfortable in that dynamic, than her two other GC's lives where they are both in loving, caring environments with all parents owning houses and working hard.

Personally, my advice; tell her to stop sending anything to your children as it's confusing and upsetting, either start treating them all equally or stay out of their lives.

Yep! My MIL treats her daughters DS far better, in terms of time, energy, effort and gifts. They are only 11 months apart in age. It hurts me for me DS as I do not have a mum myself but it is what it is. All we can do is love them ourselves!

Yes, I was in this situation.
As the years went by, and my life continued , I was finding myself becoming very interested in family dynamic; what it's about, what causes it. I'm talking going back YEARS to the beginning of time. What is it that makes A Black Sheep- a child who has needs but other s in the family are more important. I'm afraid this is how most families operate ( with unfair dynamics) because humans and child rearing is difficult. It doesn't make it easier. In my case I think my mother was hiding a secret that my siblings was extra special because she had a difficult delivery and almost died so was extra precious. I went on to marry again after being a single parent and in retrospect my mother took the opportunity to ' triangulate ' me with my new husband. I got to know and understand the different tactics TOXIC family members use to get at you. Why ??????? Heaven knows. It's heart breaking none the less but look at it this way: when they're old and decrepit YOU will be off the hook.

Same scenario here. My DSis had her first daughter a week after mine. When we were pregnant it was all happiness of what we could do together. It never came about. DM couldn't wait to leave mine as soon as she came after birth of my DD because my DSis 'might need me'. She never visited again. DSis needed her a lot. My DD was very poorly, in hospital maybe 15/20 times by 1. DM not once came to see her, never really asked about her, never really understood her condition. She has never had her to stay, never looked after her on her own, I just gave up asking. I was exhausted, lost two babies, nothing, sister miscarried and we were supposed to have a celebration of life. Meanwhile for my DN she did everything, sleepovers, trips away, pick up from school, holidays.
Both are now 18. My DMum who has been very poorly over the last year says things like I never got to know her, I don't really understand her, she doesn't seem to like me. She was rather taken back when I said she only has herself to blame. She made no attempt to know her and so what she knows now is a granddaughter that is polite, but not really interested. She doesn't want to tell her news or talk to her. She will never get to know her. And that's the end of it. It was exhausting and I wasted hours over what I'd done or not done. It took me a long time to realise that blame her sat solely with my mum.

My MIL is like this with my niece.

My niece had tooth extracted and, if you listened to my mil, you'd think Sarah* was training to go to work on the ISS.

She's doing a musical theatre class at college, and the teachers generally put Sarah at the back.
She's not a bad dancer, per se, but there are a few exceptional girls, who always get front row.

Annoying for Sarah, and her mum, but I don't want to hear about it every time I see her.

I love my mil, but if she brings up the topic of Sarah, i actively steer the conversation away, cos i don't want to hear a blow by blow account of her manicure.

Which actually happened last week. 🙄
*Not her real name

Are the cousins older? It hasn’t happened to me but sometimes you see this families - the novelty of Grandchildren runs out as more of them are added to the family and the older ones are favoured. Also if they are older and she already committed to a certain level of babysitting it gets harder as more kids come along yet they still want to maintain their initial commitments.
Also sounds like potentially big brother was golden boy.
It’s horrible and sounds pretty blatant to me.

My ds one day when leaving my mums house said to me “Nana’s house is like a shrine to Phoebe”.
This is due to photos on every wall, every sideboard of my niece. Not one single picture of either of my kids, not one.,(niece is 3 months older than my ds)

My mum never ever asks about my kids, it’s like they belong to some stranger in the street.,

We used to take my mum to Aldi once a week, my son came too.
My mums trolley was piled high with pink plastic crap every time (not just birthdays and Christmas) from the middle isle, Easter eggs at Easter, foods & drinks that niece loves. So right in front of my little boy.
She collected niece from school, had her overnight,had her for 2 weeks while my sister went on holiday without her, took her out places etc etc.

She no longer sees my children, never ever asks about them, never even mentions their names.

It is what it is. Shit.

mine are the older ones

this sounds very similar, my mum never asks about my children either if i say anything about them she will reply with “oh” and that’s it she makes it extremely clear she has no interest in them

You have 4 children which is much harder than looking after two, especially for older people. Please don’t think I’m rude, but perhaps his children are quieter/better behaved/less fussy/helpful etc or you appear unappreciative or confrontational.

You're so right, and that's so pithy.

I think the novelty of grandchildren runs out is an excellent way of putting it.👌🏼

My inlaws treat my son nicely, like you would a neighbour's kid.
Pleasant enough, but there's nothing else there.

Mine arranged a treat day out with her daughters three children in front of my son. It broke my heart.

She's of the opinion you love your daughter and their children more. It's messed up. She did say that she knew her daughters children were actually her grandchild with no doubts unlike a sons. Not sure why you'd love your daughter more than your son though l.

I have this exact same problem, I tried to call my mum out on it yesterday and she hung the phone up on me, so I’ve had a really rubbish day being all upset and worried I’ve lost my mum. It’s so hard isn’t it, my mum clearly favours my brothers children and it’s so obvious but I suppose I’m kind of used to it as she favours my brother too. Did your mum favour your DB growing up?