Mum favouring grandchildren

[Clumsy12345]

Has anyone been in a situation where their mum treats your children very very different from your other nieces or nephews? So I have 4 children my brother has 2 my mum has his 2 children literally every week, overnight for sleep overs you name it but she has them every week whenever they want. But she will never ever have mine im a lone parent and my brother and his gf are in a relationship. Not only that but she posts constant pictures of them up her WhatsApp again I'm talking daily, at least 10 different pics on her status but never any of mine. Also she has pics of them all round the house but again none of mine. For Christmas she bought mine gifts from the charity shop (I'm not a snob if that's all she can afford) but it isn't as she let me know she bought them a £300 play house for the garden, as she was telling me it's better than the one I bought my daughter. The items she bought them weren't even thoughtful think fisher price preschool toys for a 5 year old. Has anyone been in a situation like this where their mum treats grandchild very different? I stopped speaking to her last year because of it. She knows my kids dad isn't involved so I never get a single minute to myself but will watch me struggle meanwhile my brother and his gf are very much together and she has a huge family and loads of sisters that help her out too whereas I have no one just feels weird she would happily watch me struggle. Just wondered if anyone had been in this situation and why would a mother treat her grandchildren so obviously different?

Is it that she disapproves of the life choices you have made? Did she like your children’s father or did she say from the outset she didn’t and you went on to have four kids with him? It’s stuff like that she’ll have a bee in her bonnet about. Not to mention it’s a lot easier to care for 2 children than 4. I can understand why this hurts you.

is there a back story? Is your relationship strained? Is your brother golden balls? Does he do more for her/you less? Has there been a fall out? Are your kids hard to handle?

That is really awful behaviour on your mum’s part . I was treated like this by one set of grandparents in favour of cousins. Don’t let your children feel second best if your mum is not willing to change I would minimise contact with her. Your children will be very aware they are not “the favoured” ones and I would protect them from that as much as possible

Thanks both but I’m asking if anyone has experienced this to know I’m not alone, not asking for people to judge my “lifestyle” choices 😒 given that she had 6 kids with different men no I don’t think she is judging my lifestyle choices as put. Also no there wasn’t any fall out she had my children before my brother had his they are younger as soon as he had them she stopped having mine altogether I’m not asking for her to have all of them but she won’t even have 1 or 2.

My mum was like that. Niece was the golden one and mine were not interesting to her. Made worse by us living in different countries.

I went low contact. I remember the moment I realised I had to clearly. We had gone to a summer house with sister and her then partner niece and our children. Dd2 came.up to me and asked. "Mummy will you play with me?" I replied "Sorry I am making dinner why don't you go ask mormor?" She looked up at me and said in that manner only children can with utter truth.
"Nah she would rather spend time w niece"

My mum saw my children once a year she saw my niece at least once a month but mine was not worth her effort. I recall standing there thinking "nope not on my shift.. you dont get to make my children feel 2nd best'' so we stopped going much and allowed that relationship to go low. I was lucky in having a wonderful mil whom was more than capable of loving all 8 of her grandchildren equaly. Result is as adults. Grandma is mentioned regularly and dearly missed. My mother rarely mentioned and I am OK with that. I stopped the cycle of parts of the family feeling 2nd best.

Yes I have similar and no back story
She even said " I thought your kids were beautiful until (My niece) was born.
She regularly says she's disappointed in me

I have accepted it now

Was your brother favoured over you when you were growing up? If so, I’m not surprised that he favours his kids over yours. Yanbu to stop talking to your mum - you and your kids should be shielded from this blatant favouritism. 💐

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It isn't your fault or your children's fault the blame lies fully with your mother. I'm a Granny and I make sure I am scrupulously fair when it comes to grandchildren because it's the right thing to do. Can you build your friendship circle or appeal to one of your siblings to give you a break sometimes?

Yes my brother is the oldest and generally the favourite but to treat the kids as favourites still seems wrong to me. She was only interested in mine till they came along so I feel it’s weird that any bond she had with them was just dropped completely.

Yep. We're all no contact now.

I'm a single parent, sister has an involved husband. Their kids sleep every weekend, parents collect them from school, take them to work, have them at Christmas, host all the birthday parties, cook them tea half the week, order them takeaways.

If I said I fancied coming over for tea, it'd be "no because [sister] might want to." My kids never slept there, I battled with childcare and ran around like a headless chicken trying to manage everything, we weren't welcome at Christmas.

It was one of the many reasons we no longer speak.

Is there a huge age difference? Does she feel she can manage/care for younger dc better?

My sister and I were the sets of ‘favoured GC’. Having discussed this with my DGM once I was an adult, it all came from the fact that my parents asked her regularly to look after us, most of the time including overnight, and full holiday weeks several times a year. She created a real relationship with us.
My cousins however would see her with their parents when visiting, most of the time a few hours at a time, and have a more superficial relationship with her.
I’m not justifying the favouritism! Just trying to say: could you ask your mum to have 1-2 DC at a time for a full weekend or a few days during the holidays? What does she answer when you ask?

Have you not asked her why things changed when your brothers kids came along? You've got nothing to lose by challenging her at this point - especially about the value of gifts?

My children are 13, 12,10 and 7 brothers children are 10 and 6.

That sounds very similar to us yes she collects them from school, has them every Monday and collects them from school has them at weekends, spends Christmas with them, has rooms at her house for them it’s just so obvious how much she favours them.

I had this. Not DM but DMIL. Completely baffling. Virtually lived at my SIL's. Would only babysit ours if she took them there. You hurt for your kids but ultimately it's her loss. I remember the time my DD asked "why are there no photos of us?" in her house. It's particularly hard for you as you could do with some help but (from my experience anyway) there isn't much you can do.

No she wouldn’t have them I stopped asking she would say she can’t because she’s having the others so can’t have mine, I didn’t ask her but my father did ask her and she told him mine don’t like coming to hers which is because the way she’s treated them, my older ones are fully aware of the difference in treatment. It’s not even about her having them that’s not the main issue it’s all of it together it’s the constant pictures all over WhatsApp of them, all the pictures round her house, the gifts she buys them meanwhile picking mine up bits from the charity shop it’s the whole treatment not just the fact she doesn’t have them.

Yes we have that ☹️ MIL, she is a lovely woman, we get on well and she is a cherished mum and Nan to our family. But DH younger brother has always been the favourite, he's her baby and she worries about him hugely. When we had our first she said, and this is an exact quote, "don't expect any childcare from me, I'm about to retire and I want to enjoy it" it was said during a big family conversation about how I was going to go back to work after maternity leave. Good for her, no one owes us childcare, thought no more of it.

Fast forward 10 years and BIL has his child, suddenly she's available EVERY DAY to pop round to clean their house, cook them meals, baby sit, had DN for sleepovers from a few weeks old so they could get used to regular sleepovers once mum and dad went back to work because bless them, they'd need their sleep 😂 it does sting a bit. I can see DH is hurt, we haven't said anything yet and still offer her every chance to be fully involved in our lives. That will change the day our children notice the favouritism, then we (but more than likely DH) will absolutely say something.

The thing is she genuinely cannot see it I think, she knows she never babysits for us except in an emergency, we don't ask because I know she's older now and gets more tired. She knows she cancels seeing us and our kids for important things like birthdays because she 'needs' to go over to help them in some way but it never feels malicious, she seems oblivious.

You're not alone, it does hurt and we'll have to say something if our kids mention it, not having them feeling like second best.

Can you have an honest conversation with people? Would she be receptive to the idea she's playing favourite?

Same here. My db is 2 years younger but has always been the favourite. I have accepted it and minimise contact. My dc is aware of the difference and occasionally comments on it.
If I think too much I do find it upsetting but then I move on. My job is to protect my dc and that is my priority.

I am sorry for you as it is hard but you are not alone 💐.

It doesn't make it ok, but you're definitely not alone.
My MIL wanted a girl and didn't get one, and has never cared for my husband either. (He's the eldest of 3 boys)
My eldest is a girl who she has all the time in the world for. My son, who also just so happens to be a clone of his dad, might as well not exist! The same with 2 more grandsons.
I can't understand it at all, but I just think she's the one missing out!

I know you’re asking the OP, but when I tried to talk to them about it, I was told I was a spoilt brat and it wasn’t their problem I decided to get divorced.

The way you're talking about her no wonder she doesn't have them.
Your brother is probably grateful for your mum's help - you sound ungrateful.
Your kids don't like being there and have vocalised it so why should she look after them.
Your kids don't like her, you didn't speak to her for a year through jealousy yet expect the same as what your brother gets?

Same. My children are 6 and 7, my brothers child is 9.

My mum has no bond with my youngest and won't look after him by himself. She pays my brothers child to play with them. Says its her babysitting money- she is 9!

I hate it. I've raised it. Nothing changes. But my parents are the only family that show a glimmer of interest. I just grin and bare it for the children's sake as they're still too little to understand.

My brother gets holidays, weekends away, a whole social life. I am literally with my children always apart from the few hours here n there that she offers (I can't request it, she is always 'busy', but if she offers I take it).

I think you will need to either decide to accept as she is, or don't bother at all. All I know is my children will never experience this from me when they have families of their own.

Yes. The OP will no doubt say that these things are the result of her mother’s behaviour, not its cause, but I can’t imagine that they don’t contribute to the dynamic.