To hear from parents who separated and lived an hours drive away. How is co-parenting going

[Mamamia94]

Basically what the title says. I have very recently put an end to my 7 year relationship. We have 2 DS , 2 years old and 9 months old.

We have agreed to them seeing their daddy at the minute mid day Wednesday to mid day Friday one week and mid day Friday to mid day Sunday on rotation.

its only the first week and my heart is in a million pieces. I want to know if you have been in this situation either as the child of separation or as a parent that is currently dealing with this how have your children coped?

for a bit of background I have been putting up with (on and off) verbal abuse. It’s mad I can’t think when I sit to write this down but being called a retard, and fucking spastic if I can’t understand something he’s trying to tell me. I’m ‘a control freak’ when I tell him it’s not ok to make plans and change them at the last minute. I am a ‘money grabber’ because I was earning less on maternity leave and he had to put more money than me into the house as I was and still am earning less.

It’s been going on so long that even as I write this I don’t even think it’s that bad. Someone please tell me from an outsiders point of view without judging

anyway sorry back to the point… there is an hour drive for my little sons when they want to see their dad and the eldest (2) has been crying since he left for him saying things like ‘daddy go?’ And ‘daddy’s van go?’ When looking out the window for him or if there’s someone at the door that isn’t him he’s shouting ‘daddy home!’ It truly is breaking my heart. They are up at their dads at the minute and he is crying for me.

Please tell the honest truth if you regretted the separation or if things got better

thank you so much for reading

Did this for about 8 years.

@longdistanceclaraclara

i am self employed i do hair from home so i can book clients in as and when needed, which is the reason for the very random days at the minute.

the mid day cross over is for the children’s sake as it is over a nap time. Then they only have to spend one full day away from me and I pick them up the following day at nap time so they can nap in the car up the road

the wed-Fri then Fri-sun for their dad is so that he doesn’t always have them fri-sun which would be every weekend when his mates for example will be off work so realistically he could never socialise with someone that works mon-Fri as he would always have the boys

we are lucky that we are both self employed and don’t work the typical mon-Fri

it’s a hard one to explain in text and I hope you get the jist

@blackrabbitwhiterabbit

have you ever regretted your decision not to stay and try make it work for the children? And are your children well adjusted? Don’t worry about being honest with me

Trust your decision to leave him you wouldn't have done it if there was a salvageable relationship

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

thank you for this. Sometimes when we are sad or depressed we can’t see clearly but after a while it was obvious the whole time

do you work op

it will soon become about money if you’re struggling and your children are going without

i would start formalising arrangements asap

coffeenootropics

yes, I am self employed. I do hair extensions from home so I can work my own hours which helps this situation a lot

If anything, I'd want them spending less time away, and certainly wouldnt consider 50/50 until they were much older. Personally I wouldn't want a baby doing overnights at all, as you say it's you they cry for and want to put them to bed, so I imagine 2 nights away would be really stressful for them. As the visits are also up to a week apart, they won't necessarily remember from one visit to the next that it's only temporary, so it could take a long time before they understand that they're going to be returned to you in 2 days.

Could their father come to you and take them for a day out locally, a couple of times a week? They would still be getting two days of contact time but without having to be away from home overnight.

So low income, which makes need to secure maintenance formally all the more important

@Sprogonthetyne

ahh yes I understand.

In an ideal world I would have him come up and spend the day with them but their dad was initially wanting 50/50 and this was the closest compromise I was willing to do. I understand it is confusing for a little child to get used to this arrangement but I was hoping that because they are so young they might adjust ? :(

I agree with you on the 50/50 element. To be honest I don’t agree with 50/50 in any situation unless the children specifically asked for it. It’s something not everyone will agree with as there are increasing posts stating dads should have them the exact same amount of time but to be honest I feel like they need a base. Somewhere to call home. So I’m just glad their dad is allowing that to happen

OP, children adapt really quickly. Please don't think you are wrong to leave an abusive relationship. You do not want your DC's growing up thinking it's ok to speak to anyone like that.

For next week, says 'let's make a picture of that dog, that fire engine etc, for daddy.' You can still include him in your sons' lives without having to endure his abuse.

We left when my DS was two and I had it much easier than that. DS didn't actually notice his df wasn't around anymore, which says it all about ex' level of involvement.

Ex would only visit DS at my new home but not have him overnight because then he would have had to change a nappy 😱

Now DS is a teen, ex is still an hour away. They see each other a few hours a week but DS only stays over 20 nights a year. Both seem happy with the arrangement. The relationship is more affectionate tolerance with neither putting in much effort. They don't have much in common but at least it's stable and relatively consistent.

Each family is different. You have to establish a routine which works best for you and your dcs.

coffeenootropics

It is actually very good money to be honest. And has made me more than a full time job while only having to work a couple of days. However, I do understand the importance of making sure maintenance is in place.
thank you so much for all of your replies

@Meadowfinch

wow quite close to my situation in that your DS was the same age.

That is a lovely idea about the picture. I will definitely do things like this in future!

it seems to be that every individual situation is different. And that it really is up to the parents to make life as ‘normal’ as possible, eh

Been doing a 45 mins distance for a decade since my DC was just turned 3, 4 nights at mine and 3 at his Dad’s and 50/50 in hols, it’s what he’s used to.

@Namechangejustincase24

thank you so much for your reply.

did you find it very hard at the start and found it got easier?

also how are your children and you now? 🙏🏼

what salary are you thinking for the full time job you compare with?

because i can not see how two days of hair extensions (how many appointments do you manage a day?) is going to pay close to enough of a salary to be equivalent to a decent full time job that means you can allow him to pay less than he is required to

either way op…. it all sounds a bit casual. Fine if amicable. But it isnt. Formalise as much as possible

@coffeenootropics

you would be surprised, hair extensions are very expensive and very profitable. I wouldn’t have left my previous full time, well paid job if it wasn’t. Each fitting/refit takes around an hour and a half. So it works out a days pay for an hour and a half work

I do understand the importance of formalising child maintenance payments though, just incase. After sorting the children that can be my next port of call 🙏🏼

It's absolutely the right decision for you to have split - yes its really tough for the children (especially the two-ye old), but significantly less than if you split in 10yrs time and with 8 yrs more abuse for them to have witnessed.

I am very firmly of the view that a 9month old shouldn't be away from you for 4 nights at a stretch, and even 2 I'd be very nervous about (from their perspective they need to build the attachment and stability - and being away for a while rips that up).

The distance makes it difficult to do a more 'short and frequent' which is really what the children need at that age. Can he halve the overnights but travel to do an afternoon / evening instead?

if you say so op!

@Happycow

I’m sorry I haven’t been very clear I’m not sure if you understand the split (my fault as I’ve explained it terribly)

basically I will have them most of the time. Their dad will have them mid day Wednesday so they nap in the car over their nap time until Friday mid day (also travelling home over nap time) Only leaving 1 full day in between that I don’t see them. As I will see them on Wednesday morning and Friday evening. Hope this makes sense

then the next week it will be the exact same thing only nap time Friday to nap time Sunday with Saturday being the full day away from me.

we have alternated it so as their dad didn’t have them every weekend from Friday-Sunday leaving him isolated from anyone working Mon-Fri as every weekend he would be looking after the children

we are both lucky in that we are self employed and can work what ever days we choose (I’m hair extension specialist and he is a contractor not physically visiting site every day)

He can’t afford to get himself a rental closer to family home?

@coffeenootropics

He could well afford to buy a house closer, yes. However, I cannot force him to do that….unfortunately 🤗

he basically has nowhere else to go at the minute than back at his mums.

hopefully he’s looking at least and will be closer

I am exactly an hour drive away from my ex, kids are 11 and 13 now though and we split seven years ago so they weren't babies. It's not ideal but we make it work. Not for a second have I regretted ending the toxic relationship and the children are 100% better off out of it even with the awkward logistics

Honestly OP I really think that's too long for them to be away from you, at that age they don't understand. I don't think the younger the better, everything is easier when they've awareness. I just think it's too long for them to be away from you - it's like two different lives for them with no understanding of what's coming or when. Is there no way your ex can just do visits until they're a bit older or you bring them to him for a short day (no overnights) just so they have more stability and consistency for attachment