To hear from parents who separated and lived an hours drive away. How is co-parenting going

[Mamamia94]

Basically what the title says. I have very recently put an end to my 7 year relationship. We have 2 DS , 2 years old and 9 months old.

We have agreed to them seeing their daddy at the minute mid day Wednesday to mid day Friday one week and mid day Friday to mid day Sunday on rotation.

its only the first week and my heart is in a million pieces. I want to know if you have been in this situation either as the child of separation or as a parent that is currently dealing with this how have your children coped?

for a bit of background I have been putting up with (on and off) verbal abuse. It’s mad I can’t think when I sit to write this down but being called a retard, and fucking spastic if I can’t understand something he’s trying to tell me. I’m ‘a control freak’ when I tell him it’s not ok to make plans and change them at the last minute. I am a ‘money grabber’ because I was earning less on maternity leave and he had to put more money than me into the house as I was and still am earning less.

It’s been going on so long that even as I write this I don’t even think it’s that bad. Someone please tell me from an outsiders point of view without judging

anyway sorry back to the point… there is an hour drive for my little sons when they want to see their dad and the eldest (2) has been crying since he left for him saying things like ‘daddy go?’ And ‘daddy’s van go?’ When looking out the window for him or if there’s someone at the door that isn’t him he’s shouting ‘daddy home!’ It truly is breaking my heart. They are up at their dads at the minute and he is crying for me.

Please tell the honest truth if you regretted the separation or if things got better

thank you so much for reading

awful for the children involved
especially as they grow older

It is better for them to go through this rough patch of getting used to their new life rather than you staying with an abusive excuse of a man and them having to witness and possibly be subject to the same abuse and think that it’s ok to treat people that way.

Your poor little children. Very difficult for them. But even worse for their mother to stay in an abusive relationship. I know your heart and your brain must be in bits but stay strong in the knowledge that ultimately you’re doing what’s best for them, even if it might not feel like it. 🌺

Does your ex work, how does he cover the days he has the little ones?

@coffeenootropics thank you for your reply

Sorry do you mean that it is awful to separate for the children involved or awful to stay together in the unhealthy relationship?

@DaisyChain505

i totally get you thank you for telling me what my heart is telling me too. My worst fear is my little boys thinking this is ok to treat someone this way

@Glowingreviews
thank you for the honest reply. I am heartbroken for them. I know this is going to be a difficult future for sure. But I am trying to do all in my power to make it a positive one

sorry @crumblingschools
i should have gave a bit more context. Basically he has a very successful business that he has men working for him meaning he doesnt always have to be present at work

you asked a question about distance

and that is what i am answering

as for child re growing up amongst warring parents…. absolutely better for them to be out of a shitty environment like that

I think it sounds like a logistical nightmare? Do you work, how will you arrange alternate week childcare?

@coffeenootropics

ahh sorry my head is all over the place. Thank you for this. I am hoping to buy a house atleast a little closer to him in future for my children’s sake. To make the journey that little less daunting. I would do anything for them

You've done the right thing in getting out of this relationship. BUT I don't think that the two of you, as co-parents, are putting the children first by living an hour apart.

who moved an hour away? and why?

Really helpful, here.🤔

@rockstuckhardplace

i totally get this. Basically his home house is an hour away. We moved into this house 5 years ago that was a 1 hour drive from his mums.

he basically has nowhere else to go at the minute than back at his mums.

my rental agreement here is up next May which I’m hoping when it is over to move closer to him. I feel like at the minute the separation and driving up and down the road is enough upheaval never mind moving house as well in the middle of it. But I do appreciate that the best thing for the children would be to be closer. Which I definitely want to do

thank you

I had this. My dc's dad moved 4 hours away and it was up to me to meet him halfway most weekends. So 4 hours of driving on a Friday, same again on a Sunday.

The hours drive alone wouldn't worry me, but they seem very young to be going that long between seeing each parent. Would 2 shorter visits a week be possible instead?

This is better than the children seeing and hearing your ex abusing you. Growing up in an environment like that will increase the chances that they end up in abusive and unhappy relationships because it’s been normalised by the parents. They may hear it from ex anyway but you are sending the message that it’s not ok which is the right thing for them to do too.You are also saving them from hearing that sort of thing half of the time which will be a relief when they start to understand his venomous words.

Do you plan to continue 50/50 when they go to school ? Will they be registered at a school near you or dad? An hour in normal traffic could end up being significantly more during rush hour and it will be tough on the parent doing more driving.

It will get easier for the boys when they are older and have more idea about the day of the week because you can say you will see daddy on Wednesday and they will know when that is. At the moment the passing of time is difficult for them to judge (I can’t remember what 2 year olds are like but I’m thinking that they’d understand tomorrow and everything that happened in the past is yesterday )

@blackrabbitwhiterabbit
wow. You are so strong.

how long ago was this and how are your children? And how are you? I hope you are ok

🙄

the journey

which it is

is he paying you maintenance?

did he leave easily?

@Sprogonthetyne

I’m not sure if I have explained this properly but basically they will be will me most of the time. They will go to their dads mid day Wednesday (nap time so they sleep in the car) and be picked up mid day Friday. Which means they will have 2 days with dad in total but only not see me 1 full day (the Thursday) hope I make sense

the next week they will be with me then see their dad mid day Friday-mid day Sunday

we have done this because he was always so busy on his phone with work even while he was at home, so I have always been the main parent. The one they want to put them to sleep, the one that done everything for them at home so we decided that we would have 1 house their permanent home and going to their dads instead of 50/50. I know this is controversial

If you have been main carer it is quite hard for them to be away from you especially the youngest

@SonicTheHodgeheg

thank you so much for your mature reply

We have spoke very briefly about school in a couple of years that this rotation would not work so it would have to be dads house at the weekend or every other weekend and perhaps something during the week. To be honest it’s all been so overwhelming that I can’t even come up with a resolution that will have the least impact on them. The school is roughly 20 min drive from me so 40 min drive from him

so true about age by the way. As my two year old is probably thinking when on earth am I going home or when will I see daddy. I just wish I could make the man treat me properly so we didn’t have to do this to the poor things

@coffeenootropics

he has tried to get us back as a family unit but he has done this a lot. Then changed right back to the person he was before, about child maintenance he has agreed to pay it but hasn’t actually paid me anything. I said I would be happy with an amount to get us by not the 16% of his wage (some people may think I’m mad not to fight that) but this is not about money. All I want is my children to be ok

@crumblingschools

i totally get that. This is the reason we decided mid day Wednesday (so I see them in the morning) to mid day Friday (so I see them in the afternoon Friday) I only really am going 1 full day per week without seeing them