Ex is refusing to share Christmasses

[thishedgehog]

Posting for a friend.

Advice sorely needed. I’ll state the situation and add what I advised below, but I don’t know if it’s accurate!

Situation:
The divorce occurred several years ago, and friend had always allowed the ex to have the child every Christmas. Ex’s family are extremely local whereas friend’s family live very far (4hr drive). Ex always said that this was what was better for child and friend went along with it. Child is now nearly 7 and the ex’s argument of ‘child can’t be away from me’ does not hold any water anymore and my friend wants to alternate Christmasses etc. but ex refuses to budge and will not enter into a conversation. The divorce was entirely without solicitors/court orders. The ex couple simply agreed arrangements amongst themselves but it has been so far dependent on my friend simply giving in for the sake of not causing problems for the child.

my advice
(from my own experience of going through the process as I am currently going through a divorce with children etc):
It is highly preferable for parents to have 50:50 unless there is a good reason not to. If the ex will not engage in a conversation or be reasonable and share the time then my friend should write a very adult, well reasoned email detailing their proposal for future arrangements, and suggesting that they go through the legal system if necessary. Problem is that friend is not awash with cash but ex is.
i suggested that the current legal thinking is firmly on my friend’s side and they will not have much difficulty arguing, and could potentially represent themselves if need be.
But there is the added problem of introducing acrimony to a previously ‘smooth’ (as I said only because friend didn’t argue) relationship.

I very much hope that someone is able to suggest a quicker route to getting a fair arrangement.

thank you.

(I know it’s annoying to read but I have purposely obscured the sex/genders of the people in question).

What is their current custody arrangement?

I think generally speaking alternating Christmas and birthdays is best and if it was to go to court it would need something pretty compelling to stop that being the ruling.

who is the resident parent?

One day near the 25th pack 2 bags and go see family. No court would give him every Christmas..

I think generally speaking alternating Christmas and birthdays is best and if it was to go to court it would need something pretty compelling to stop that being the ruling.

As @Sirzy said.

I'm not sure where I read it but if a child doesn't spend Christmas Day with both parents they may see and feel that their other parent doesn't want them on special occasions.

How much time with DC does each parent have? Is it only Christmas that causes upset?
Are there other aspects to the relationship that have a bearing? And why are you getting involved?

Your friend needs to book mediation and invite the other parent to it.

If after mediation the other parent still refuses to agree to alternate Christmas, New Year and the child's birthday (or nearest weekend to it) or agrees then doesn't do it, then your friend needs to go to Court.

Is it the resident parent refusing to 'release' dc to nrp at Xmas? Or is it the rp who has so far been dropping dc off to nrp every Xmas so far?

If the second option the problem is easily fixed.

No court would give him every Christmas.

So you’ve decided that the unreasonable one is male
Of course

Go to a solicitor for legal advice on child custody, legal aid is available for mediation to sort out problems with the ex for child arrangements.

No court would give op every Christmas either.
Happy now?

Him?

Interesting assumption, as I assumed the UR one is the mother - going by the comment that "ex’s argument of ‘child can’t be away from me’ does not hold any water anymore". My thought was the mother had the DC as a new born, with the argument 'child can’t be away from me’.
I assumed the dad wants to take his DC to his parents for Christmas. Either way, Christmas should be alternated.

Could be same sex parents.

The OP deliberately refused to give the sex of the separated parents, and it doesn't matter anyway as the principle of alternation still applies for the sake of the child.

Fair point @reugny
And I completely agree, it's irrelevant - important dates should be shared.

I’m not assuming anything I’m responding to a previous poster who stated “him” when the OP stated the sex of the parents was not revealed.

im on an iPad and not fathomed out bolding.

its just how posters automatically assume parent being unreasonable = male parent.

friend has child 2-3 nights a week, ex has them the rest of the time. It is variable, and ex mainly calls the shots.

Ex is the resident parent.

I don’t disagree with this course of action in some ways, but it is quite offensive and would create a lot of acrimony. Even though the ex is arguably the one that is forcing this action but still

That’s really interesting and makes sense. It’s got to the point where it is no longer acceptable I think

I’m not involved, I’m really just trying to gather helpful information. I want to help my friend achieve a fair arrangement because they are struggling.

friend has child 2-3 nights a week. Primary residence is with ex.

friend would like a more fair arrangement and alternate christmasses.

I thought so. Thank you for this

NRP has never tried to ‘keep’ child when other arrangements have been made.
And the other arrangements are always dictated by RP with no wiggle room. And no amount of reasoning makes any difference. It is just appallingly unfair.

Ah! This is useful. Didn’t know about legal aid. Thank you.

So it seems both parents are very involved so the child deserves to share special occasions with both.

Much better.