Ex is refusing to share Christmasses

[thishedgehog]

Posting for a friend.

Advice sorely needed. I’ll state the situation and add what I advised below, but I don’t know if it’s accurate!

Situation:
The divorce occurred several years ago, and friend had always allowed the ex to have the child every Christmas. Ex’s family are extremely local whereas friend’s family live very far (4hr drive). Ex always said that this was what was better for child and friend went along with it. Child is now nearly 7 and the ex’s argument of ‘child can’t be away from me’ does not hold any water anymore and my friend wants to alternate Christmasses etc. but ex refuses to budge and will not enter into a conversation. The divorce was entirely without solicitors/court orders. The ex couple simply agreed arrangements amongst themselves but it has been so far dependent on my friend simply giving in for the sake of not causing problems for the child.

my advice
(from my own experience of going through the process as I am currently going through a divorce with children etc):
It is highly preferable for parents to have 50:50 unless there is a good reason not to. If the ex will not engage in a conversation or be reasonable and share the time then my friend should write a very adult, well reasoned email detailing their proposal for future arrangements, and suggesting that they go through the legal system if necessary. Problem is that friend is not awash with cash but ex is.
i suggested that the current legal thinking is firmly on my friend’s side and they will not have much difficulty arguing, and could potentially represent themselves if need be.
But there is the added problem of introducing acrimony to a previously ‘smooth’ (as I said only because friend didn’t argue) relationship.

I very much hope that someone is able to suggest a quicker route to getting a fair arrangement.

thank you.

(I know it’s annoying to read but I have purposely obscured the sex/genders of the people in question).

This is it.

Yes, absolutely. Friend is very involved and child and friend are well bonded.

Your friend is unlikely to get legal aid unless they have absolutely no money and no assets. Legal aid has been cut back a lot for private law Family Court cases.

I was agreeing with you
🙄

Oh I see. Ok. It probably won’t apply in that case.

The Mother should have them on Christmas, the Father can have them every boxing day. When I was young I would have hated spending Christmas away from my Mum.

if the parents are civil, it’s really up to them to agree. It doesn’t help with randoms interfering, with the greatest respect! Are you the new partner?

I agree a court is likely to go with alternating Christmas but the distance to NRP's family means that for journeys of 4 hours both ways the child will need to be away from one parent for several days each year at Christmas. It won't be a case of sharing Christmas Day or one having Christmas Day and the other Boxing Day for example.

No you’re right, it would be alternating ‘Christmas periods’.

I am a friend. I have posted on Mn before on behalf of people.

In what way have I interfered?

It should all be child-centred.

I have a friend who refuses to share Christmas with her pig of an ex because Santa didn't come the one time he had their child, their child didn't receive any presents from him and his family and he refused to drop their distraught child back at the agreed time because he'd been drinking so she had to go and collect them. Luckily child was quite young so it was all smoothed over - "Santa lost his way" etc. But she's essentially said no more Christmases/birthdays, take me to court if you like (and he can't be bothered).

I also know some mums who do practically everything, their exes do EOW or less and essentially pay the minimum and so they refuse to hand over the kids so ex can have the "magic moments" without any of the work. I understand this though I don't necessarily agree with it. In one case, the mum does this simply by refusing to pack a bag because her ex is so lazy they won't get any clothes or anything for their child.

However, I'm assuming that's not the case here from what you've said so ex and RP should share Christmases and discuss arrangements so Christmas is equally magical for their DC regardless of which house they are in.

I don’t really understand why you are interfering in an arrangement and relationship they have reached as two adults on a civil basis. It’s just not helpful and comes across as meddling

If hey share the child during the week then sharing birthdays and Christmas should happen too.

my cousins son never spends Christmas with his dad, it takes dad to see him once a month therefore my cousin decided that if he can’t make an effort during the year he doesn’t deserve it at Christmas but this doesn’t sound like this case therefore Christmas should be shared each year l

"friend had always allowed the ex to have the child every Christmas"
Allowed?????? What is going on here?

Ah.
apologies.

I normally highlight /bold things so it wasn’t clear what what mine and what was quoting in my post

Those are horror stories! Shocking.

but you’re right, this is not the case here, at all.

That is the partly the fault of the NRP for not standing up for themselves.

The NRP needs to stand up for themselves when they go to mediation as some mediators are so determined on getting agreement between the two parties they say stuff should be agreed to which no Court would enforce.

Your friend needs to go to their mediation session with a list of stuff they want to discuss. Depending on the mediator, your friend may be able to share the headings of each item on their list before the session. (You don't share how you are going to negotiate.)

If your friend finds the session isn't fruitful e.g. none of the items on their list were discussed, the other party starts an argument or the other party agrees then immediately goes back on their word, your friend needs to immediately tell the mediator that mediation hasn't worked and sign their form so they can go to Court. Then your friend needs to go to Court. Your friend can represent themselves but should do as much research and seek advice as possible. (Lots of parents who have been through the process will explain their own case in private as you aren't allowed to put information in the public domain.)

Also you friend should be prepared for the ex agreeing to mad things like doing handovers halfway through Christmas day rather than after Boxing day, then not turning up due to travel or other issues. Your friend will then have to go back to mediation and then Court.

Given the distance involved in travelling, it would seem reasonable for the child to have Christmas week with one parents and New Year week with another before heading back to school.

Bad wording on my part. Friend went along with exs demands for the sake of the child. But it seems as though this is no longer what is best for child.

It doesn't work like that fortunately.

Thank you for this practical advice. You’re right, NRP has walked into this situation. They admit to this.

Yes this seems like a good idea

Indeed

And when I was young I would've hated spending Xmas day away from my Dad. What a ridiculously sexist post. Christmas should be alternated or half the day with each parent if possible.

This is exactly why OP left the sexes out of this. Because along with people hating on the man regardless, you get nonsense like this.