I can’t trust my partner to look after our baby on his own and it’s draining.

[gg158]

Our baby girl is 4.5 months old.
I am trying to give him more responsibility to learn over the past few months as this is our first baby, and the first few months I know everyone makes mistakes but I can’t explain just how careless and irresponsible he is and it’s exhausting for me. I genuinely fear for her safety especially as she is becoming older going to start crawling ect and eating.

Work is different story and personal life I won’t go into that too much but he is irresponsible in those aspects of his personal phone and work phone work documents and also house keys constantly loosing or doesn’t know where put them. His mums excuse is he’s just always been like that that’s him he’s forgetful. Lol

The list of issues -
⁃ Makes bottles wrong
⁃ Forgets to fasten her in car seat
⁃ Forgets to lock his car so phone got stolen
⁃ Forgets to lock house door
⁃ Forgets to change nappy so leaks all over ( several times a week)
⁃ Forgets to put break on the pram so rolls had to catch it from going in road
⁃ I have to tell him to play with her or say bye when going to work. Or even hello when coming in from work
⁃ Forgets to remove Bib when putting her to bed or remove any loose blankets
⁃ Puts her on sofa in her pod but unsafely
⁃ Doesn’t watch her properly cause constantly on his phone
⁃ Doesn’t seem to miss her at all will happily go work 9-5 go golf or football after or meet a friend ( when he comes back home she’s already asleep) does that sometimes 2 nights in a row so won’t see her properly for 2 days and doesn’t say anything about missing her or can’t wait to see her.
⁃ Picks her up for 10 minutes then if she crys says oh do you want mummy
⁃ Just doesn’t check on her when out and about, was out at a function (outside) I went to toilet so said watch her please in her pram. I saw someone I knew inside so stopped and chatted for 5 mins, came outside he was not near her pram and she was just screaming crying ( obviously couldn’t hear was too busy talking to someone) and just left her pram instead of taking it.
⁃ If we are out with friends never helps just socialises and drinks while I do everything

Most people after being told the dangers learn from mistakes but it’s just constantly repeat of me nagging and telling him. He still makes bottles wrong today, did one yesterday and still does most of the above points.
He has made a bottle twice with prep machine and not completed the full process just done the hot shot method - then brought the bottle ( which is boiling hot )!!!! Will literally scold her! But luckily I noticed.
He just doesn’t seem to understand the severity of it says all I do is have a go at him or I can’t do anything right or him and his mum say that’s just the way he is! He’s always been not organised and struggled.
He’s stressed with work he’s got a lot on.
No your mum has just done everything for you!
He just doesn’t think like in her pod she was so high up with cushions underneath if she rolled she be straight off sofa on the floor.

In his mums eyes he cannot do no wrong ever!!! He could probably break her leg and she would have an excuse. She was crying her heart out I asked why he said oh I wasn’t supporting her neck when she was and her neck flopped back I think I’ve hurt it so I said be careful her neck is so fragile! His mum responded - At least you’re honest!

I understand everyone makes mistakes and has to learn but he’s just not learning and it’s hard cause I’m just fed up of constantly asking for help and not feeling like he wants to help, but then also when I ask him to help cause he’s so careless he just can’t do things right or puts her in danger. I genuinely feel like I can’t leave her with him for more than a few hours. He's just way too laid back about everything.
My mum helps me so I do get a break we are so close and she has plenty of grandchildren so knows what she is doing.
But even my family see and worry for me and her.

What do I do??? It’s making arguments every week and ruining our relationship as I’m fearful but also getting frustrated. Xxx

Sweetie. This is a mummy's boy. He's got no incentive to change unless you make a big fuss and really really stick to your guns. But then there's his mother who will undermine everything you say or do because "he can do no wrong". The big issue for me is your small vulnerable DD. She comes first and if he can't/won't keep her safe then that's it isn't it? I would probably have booted him out by now.

This.
What were you thinking/imagining?

been there! He’s not interested in learning how to be a dad as he wants you to do it all, and if you leave him he won’t make an effort with the child either. I’d get out of there and make a home for you and little one

You had me at doesn't check if her milk bottles are scalding or not.

It would be like asking a 9 year old to babysit. In fact a 9 year old would probably be more cautious.

Its not just forgetting or being unaware of dangers is it though? You asked him to watch her at a party for 5 -10 minutes and came back to find him nowhere near and your baby screaming. He could'nt take 5 minutes off from enjoying himself socialising to watch his poor baby. That is beyond "awareness" and "forgetfulness" that is pure utter selfishness. He is utterly useless.

from what you say, he doesn't accept that he's doing anything wrong and sees no reason to change. Its just dangerous for your poor baby, and horrible for you as you have to be on constant alert as this selfish man child could be casually doing the most stupid and dangerous things, with apparently no awareness at all.

I don't know what the answer is to your problem but until you find a solution to this, you will have to watch him like a hawk.

So unhelpful

My ex was like this (split during pregnancy- see my thread 'ex dp burnt my baby')
I am still terrified he will hurt baby or not supervise him properly now he's a toddler

Oh my god your poor baby. We are on our second DC. I have always been the one to read up/research things eg car seat safety/rear facing, safe sleep guidance etc. I do tend to learn first then teach my dh but he is willing to listen learn and put it into practice. Your DP sounds totally incompetent.
what is his job? Does he have an education? I ask because if he has a decent/skilled job or an eduction then clearly he is capable of learning. In which case he should be learning from you. If he can learn but is choosing not to with your baby, he’s an utter cock and you and your baby should leave asap before he kills her.

He might lack empathy or be narcissistic from what the original Op has said (not missing baby at all and the reckless behaviour that is consistent)

Doesn't appear to be normal

Sorry I haven't read the full thread so apologies if it's been mentioned, but has he been tested for ADHD?

My ex had a mental health crisis when our son was 3 days old (had been building, but he refused to seek help). It was really bad. Services involved for a short while. We broke up. It was and still occasionally is awful.

At no point was he as bad as your partner. He's struggled. He's not a great dad (though he's getting better) and our relationship didn't survive, but he has never put our son deliberately in danger and listens to me when I explain how things should be done.

Your partner may have depression or something and not be coping. That's at best. At worst he's a selfish prick who doesn't care if his daughter dies. Not fastening her car seat?! If he does that repeatedly, he should have no custody of her whatsoever.

Ultimatum time. I can guarantee when it's his turn to have your daughter his mum will do everything for him anyway (don't let him have her over night until she's much older. I think research suggests 4 years old. If they have a bond).

Agree with PPs that he sounds as though he my have something else going on here.

DH was very similar. I was a SAHM and he was working so I expected to do most of the work (he was good at bottle feeds and nappies but I prepped everything) - but after a while I realised he seemed unable to plan anything or think about risks etc. We had a few scares where he didn't keep an eye on the children properly (I won't go into details) - and I soon learned not to trust him in risky scenarios.

When DS was 4 he was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD - and I learned a lot about those conditions in the following few years. It's now clear to me that DH has these conditions too, although he won't accept that.

DS (now late teens) is great - but my biggest worry for him (apart from social skills) is his lack of danger awareness or understanding of potential consequences. I don't think he does abstract thought - so has no fear of anything and no concerns about what might go wrong. Exactly like DH!!

I know it's easy to suggest ND and people get flamed for it on here - but honestly, what NT Dad would be like that? I think OP should seriously consider that might be what's going on here - and if so the only safe answer is not to let DP have DD until she is older, and only in situations where she can be kept safe...

For the people saying the op should leave her partner, wouldn't that risk him having unsupervised access with the baby (genuine question)? It's an awful situation and I can completely sympathise as op's partner sounds like my DH and FIL. It's a life of constant anxiety, arguments and burnout, but I'm not sure what the solution is other than staying together to try keep the little one safe? I'm watching with interest though. Agree it sounds like it might be ADHD. I'm so sorry op, it's awful to worry like this when you should be enjoying the newborn stage, and ignore those blaming you for having a child with him, I'm sure you never would have anticipated this type of behaviour.

Agree with PPs that he sounds as though he my have something else going on here.

DH was very similar. I was a SAHM and he was working so I expected to do most of the work (he was good at bottle feeds and nappies but I prepped everything) - but after a while I realised he seemed unable to plan anything or think about risks etc. We had a few scares where he didn't keep an eye on the children properly (I won't go into details) - and I soon learned not to trust him in risky scenarios.

When DS was 4 he was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD - and I learned a lot about those conditions in the following few years. It's now clear to me that DH has these conditions too, although he won't accept that.

DS (now late teens) is great - but my biggest worry for him (apart from social skills) is his lack of danger awareness or understanding of potential consequences. I don't think he does abstract thought - so has no fear of anything and no concerns about what might go wrong. Exactly like DH!!

I know it's easy to suggest ND and people get flamed for it on here - but honestly, what NT Dad would be like that? I think OP should seriously consider that might be what's going on here - and if so the only safe answer is not to let DP have DD until she is older, and only in situations where she can be kept safe...

Sorry- PC froze and I didn't think it had posted. Apologies for the duplicate.....

These aren't new characteristics, he must have demonstrated this sort of behaviour beforehand. It seems now he has a child you expect him to have a personality transplant. These types of people rarely change their behaviours. Maybe try therapy?

Think they mean more like learning difficulties

Does he not become really paranoid about baby stuff then that makes him really concentrate? I did with my adhd and baby.

Maybe try a therapist or support group with similar experiences for him to develop coping strategies? Does he agree with the adhd thing?

I find it hard to believe that his behaviour is caused by ADHD ( not that he doesn't possibly have it).

People with ADHD are perfectly capable of focusing on what is critically important when it is in front of them.

It is why they work better with a very tight deadline but can easily forget something equally important but without a deadline or when it isn't in their immediate environment.

Take the issue of forgetting to strap your baby into the car seat - if it was ADHD which caused him to forget to do that then what that tells you is your baby's safety isn't important enough to hold his focus.

The other stuff, hurting her neck and so on, that wasn't caused by inability to focus or prioritise - it was an absolute failure to understand something as basic as how to hold a baby.

You must not allow him to have unsupervised contact with her.

This is unnecessarily harsh. Have you ever worked with someone who has ADHD? Affects people differently. I am brilliant as remembering dates even though my ADHD 'says' I shouldn't be.

I have to agree with everyone who says that this is beyond ADHD. I’m sorry, but having zero awarness about what might hurt a baby (your own baby!) is not an attention disorder. He is self-absorbed and lacks the minimum empathy one shoulf have towards any child. He only thinks about himself and has no interest in the baby. He is dangerously careless meaning that he accepts that the baby might be hurt as a result of his actions. This is not ADHD, this is a psycopath’s behaviour.
I am very sorry you are going through this OP, i also have a small baby and can’t imagine how it feels. You need to put your child first, whatever it takes.

He's not forgetful he's fucking dangerous.

Does he not realise he could seriously injure and even kill his own child. I'm so sorry you are in this position, I'd be terrified of him getting any unsupervised time with her and can completely understand why you'd not want to separate from him as there is a real danger he going to do something that can't be reversed

I have ADHD and it has had a hugely negative impact on my life. But, I appreciate that it effects people differently. Maybe I am being harsh and maybe his neglect is simply caused by ADHD and not because he doesn't care about his daughter. However, the result is the same - he can not be left with her alone.

I’m sick of people saying ‘so what’ to ADHD. Well it’s a diagnosable condition with treatment so maybe acknowledging that is a starting point. No one is saying it’s going to resolve every issue, there could be more at play here but why not try and deal with it first in the hope he can become a better father. Walking away without trying would be waaaay harder in the long run. There’s still time to get this right.

My DH clearly has ADHD but won’t seek help, it’s a continuous battle to try and get him to acknowledge it is causing him issues in work and personal life. With our first baby (and in some ways our second now) he really struggled. It wasn’t so evident because of lockdown so I was always there. He’s had to work hard to remember all the things he needs to juggle. Things like supporting head, gently dressing and not leaving the pram overhanging the kerb were constant reminders, they now come more naturally second time round. He still forgets to change him and I need to remind him once we weaned that he needs 3 decent meals not just bottles. He’ll only do toast because that’s what I suggested at 7 months old so at nearly 1 year, it’s still just toast but we’ll attempt something else soon. He’s so worried about getting it wrong and forgetting, his anxiety is sky high.

Yes I think your DP been given a free pass by his mother and he shouldn’t be trusted on his own with your baby for a while yet BUT don’t write him off without some sort of ultimatum about seeking help to give him a proper kick up the arse!

I agree. This is no way just normal laziness, especially if he's been like this from childhood.

I've only read the first post but is it possible he had undiagnosed ADHD? This is me, my husband and kids 100%. But I cope much better with planning and have reminders set for everything and lists galore

But my husband was a great dad. He would leave notes for himself by the kettle to check nappies/the oz water to scoops of milk/ saying what was for dinner and to cook it at x time. He never forgot to pick the kids up or drop them off for school. But he was very forgetful despite being very loving. Even the not missing somebody, that's likely to do with object permanence.... literally out of sight out of mind. I absolutely adore my adult kids but when they left for uni I got a bit weepy for the first few days but then my new normal took over and I don't even really miss them. I miss the times we used to have when they were smaller and lived at home but that they are just treasured memories now. That chapter is over and in the past. But I don't miss them on a daily basis. If I actively think about them then yes I do but I don't think of them unless they call me. It's weird. But it doesn't mean I don't love them.