How much is reasonable to expect your husband to help when you’re a SAHM? Am I asking for too much?

[eiy2028]

Hi,

DD (D) is 16 months old.

I am technically a SAHM but I have continued running my own business, usually doing work when D naps as the only family we live near still work full-time and we also can’t afford much childcare, only 1 day a week. DH (F) is in finance working 8-5 M-F.

I feel like I’m at the end of my tether asking for help. I understand that I will have to take on most household chores etc, but it feels like a constant battle when I need help.

It drives me nuts with the constant complaining, when I ask F to give D a bath or feed her and he complains because he’s tired, he only really looks after her while I cook, or clean, or take a shower. Sometimes he will let me take a nap on the weekend, or will let me lie in until 8am at which point when I get up he will go back to bed for a few hours (I’m happy with this arrangement)

But she is 16 months old and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have left him alone with our daughter. Times where I have asked to go out, he’s said he will ask his parents to come and help. It makes me want to scream

But I get he is tired and his job is stressful. But I am also exhausted, and the final straw where I almost hit the roof was last night when he was supposed to go to a music event after work. I cooked for myself and left him some to take to work the next day, I had been sat down for 30 minutes after a full day with D and he ended up coming home early from the event. He asked me to get up to cook dinner for him while he had a shower, and I begged him to just reheat the leftovers I made as I was exhausted and wanted to rest. He started complaining because he didn’t want to have to grate the cheese or chop up the cucumber to put on his leftover burger. Then he started complaining because his yoghurt had ran out, which he didn’t tell me about so I didn’t buy any.

I just feel like last night summed up everything I have been feeling. That it is always my responsibility to look after everything at my own expense and I am never the one to get looked after

how much do you expect from your partners as a SAHM? I just feel like I’m really starting to lose my patience

8-5 is pretty minimal in Finance.
To be fair, however, when mine were babies and I didn't have to go to work, I was just very pleased with life. DH was out of the house from 7am until about 9pm in those days. I did everything for one and then two children and carried on doing it even when I went back to work when dd was 6.

The fact that I could stay at home looking after the baby(ies), go to coffee mornings, playgroup, monkey music, the park, potter about the house, etc, playing with and reading to DC, made me feel very cared for and cherished. Fkr the first time in my adult life, admittedly around the DC's routines, I did everything in my time.

Maybe that is the problem, our beautiful little girl was a complete surprise. My partner had only been graduated from university for a month when we fell pregnant, and so he is still at the very beginning of his career.

we can’t afford baby groups, coffees, trips out etc, so all I have to do with her is the park 2 or 3 times a day. I moved here for his job and I have no friends, I tried hard to make friends when we initially could afford baby groups but money has been a big struggle for us the last 6 months. Most months we have £20 left in our bank before payday.

maybe it is because I have no life outside of childcare, cleaning, and cooking that I am feeling frustrated 🤔

First you are not a SAHP. You are a working parent that WFH running a business and you also do all the parenting, housework and life admin. Don't minimise your contribution or his lack of contributions. He needs to be a parent and a partner when he gets home. Your role doesn't stop at 5 it's a 24/7 role so why does he get to do 9-5 and abdicate all other responsibilities? You need to split household and childcare responsibilities more fairly. Take turns who does the bath time other person does bedtime story and bedtime. If you cook he does dishes and tidied up kitchen. You also need a regular day off where he is solely responsible for DC and you get to not have to meet anyone else's needs.DH needs to grow up. Acting like a man child isn't a turn on. No one is so tired they can't cut cucumber and grate cheese. He just wants you to do it for him. Is he lazy, controlling or both.

We had a high needs baby/toddler. My husband did most of the housework and cooking despite me being home with our child. There was simply no other solution.

whatever kind of child you have, you should end up with equal amounts of rest and recreation time.

A grown man asking someone to prep his mostly made dinner is ridiculous. being a sahm doesn’t make you his servant.

Have you looked at baby group at you local children's centre? They tend to be free or nominal cost. Also check out the local churches and library's. Our library has free baby rhyme time and a few churches have baby groups for £2.

Why doesn't he want to spend time with his DD? My DP was pretty lazy when we had our first child but he liked taking her out for walks just the two of them, bathing her etc.

No way in hell would I have ever got up to make his dinner, he's not been down a mine.

I'd say he's taking the piss tbh.

Hi,

thank you for saying that, to be honest I haven’t really seen myself as a working mum since I am so limited with how much I can work. I’d love to do more as it’s my passion but unfortunately with the lack of childcare it isn’t possible.

I totally agree with you, I have told him before I feel like I have 2 children sometimes which I felt bad for saying. But then he comes from a very traditional family where the women are expected to do almost everything, he doesn’t seem like he actively believes that but maybe he thinks that’s normal? Personally, I don’t which is why I’m getting so angry.

He does do the bins, and sometimes the dishes, but most times I have to ask and then persuade him why it’s important that they’re done soon. Or last Friday for example, his friends were coming over the next day for lunch (which I had to make), so I asked him to help me clean before they came since I would be cooking all morning the next day (a clean house is important to me even more so when we have guests). And he complained and said they wouldn’t care if it was clean or not, and he didn’t want to spend his Friday evening cleaning. Which I get, but then I’m also just soooo sick of asking and then arguing about why it’s important to me

Church baby groups are going to be great for you - free or v cheap
But to answer your question- when I was a SAHM I did all the housework/laundry/ food shopping and 90% of the cooking - BUT he was desperate to get home and do bath and bedtime as he 'missed out' during the day - weekends we had one lie in each and did equal parenting / cooking - but I rarely left cleaning for weekends as we wanted to do stuff together - he should be wanting time with his child I think

I’ve found a playgroup at a church which a mum I met in the park told me about, as it wasn’t online, which is only £3 so we’re going to try! Unfortunately closed for summer holidays but looking forward to that. Other than that there is nothing cheap or free, where we live we are quite limited :/

That’s exactly how I feel, like a servant

I just discovered one! Closed in the summer hols unfortunately but I’m excited to take her once it reopens, as I feel sooo terrible not taking her to groups anymore but hopefully our tight spot will be over soon.

I think that’s also why I get frustrated, sometimes I feel like he sees her as a burden. Which breaks my heart. He absolutely adores her and is so great with playing with her but anything childcare related he just complains and it drives me nuts, because that is the bare minimum responsibility as a parent is to make sure her basic needs are taken care of

How many hours are you working and is it making money? Only because you may be better off getting a shift at weekends or evenings in retail/hospitality if not. No need for childcare as H is around.

However he sounds ridiculous. I think you need a chat about how much it would cost to have a cleaner, nanny etc, and whilst you're not working FT, you are bringing some money in on top of the house stuff. You're not kids anymore and he needs to step up.

Ok good I’m glad people seem to be agreeing with me, because this morning I started thinking maybe I overreacted as he was tired and had a bad day. But it just felt like in that moments my needs didn’t matter, as I had also communicated that I had had a really bad day and I thought I had an evening to relax ahead of me since he was at an event and I was looking forward to that

He’s a lazy childish fucker and needs to grow up. You are not a stay at home mum you’re working as well. He should be helping you when he is at home

When we have childcare (1 day a week), I work around 15-17 hours a week depending on how well D naps on the days we don’t have childcare.

I can’t take on any more clients as I am at my limit in terms of time so can’t bring in more income there. Until my daughter is eligible for 15hrs free childcare I’m not making enough to justify sending her for another day since it is £100-120 a day in the area we live. My business profits only £400 a month after paying for 1 day a week childcare.

I have suggested I start babysitting/nannying on weekends and evenings again, but he complains and begs me not to as then we have no time together together as a family and it means he also doesn’t get to rest on the weekend.

Imo you have your separate jobs between 8-5 and outside of that you split cooking and caring for your dd and cleaning up the kitchen. And you do whatever housework you're able to do in the day alongside watching your dd and running your business. Weekends should offer both parents equal downtime. Anything else is unfair. And making separate dinner, f that

He doesn't want to grate cheese or chop up cucumber? What the hell? He sounds like a child.

Doesn't sound like he has any interest in his daughter either.

Today my 3 year old and I are having pizza for dinner. My husband doesn't eat cheese. I said he needs to sort his own dinner out and he'll happily do so. He gets dinner cooked for him most every other night. He would never complain about cooking his own dinner and certainly wouldn't complain when his dinner is leftovers from the slow cooker dinner the night before.

If I want to go out with friends or just by myself I let him know and he looks after our child. We just check in with each other to make sure plans don't clash.

Sounds like you have a successful business, don't stop that then and ignore my suggestion.

15-17 hours is at least 2 days work.

You need a frank conversation ASAP with him!

Your job doesn't pay for childcare. Your household income should pay for childcare and with more time and investment you'll bring more money into the household. But do not fall into the trap of childcare costs coming out of your wages as if it's enabling your hobby.

I think you need to go out alone more. Leave the baby with him. Let him meet her needs all day and reclaim some time for yourself. While he's taking the lazy option and doing the bare minimum he's not building a relationship with her. If something happens to you they'll both be fucked because he's not parenting and has no idea how to meet her needs. He needs to see the work involved to actually appreciate it.

House work needs to be done. He might be happy to live if filth but you're not. He needs to clean the home he lives in. Taking the bins out occasionally isn't enough. If he fucks about I'd stop doing his shit. I'd stop cooking for him and doing his laundry ect Oh and it's his friends and he refuses to clean id bloody cancel the visit.

This. Your earnings should not be separate. You're a family unit. He wouldn't be able to work if you weren't looking after your daughter.

An 8-5 job for a new graduate cannot possibly be that stressful that he needs all this looking after. If he was a CEO running his own business working all hours God sends - maybe the split in chores would be okay ish but his attitude is not acceptable even then.

your role is to look after your child and maybe do some chores if you can. It is not running the household alone, raising a child and running a business with all the stress and worry that entails solely on your shoulders. If you’re struggling that much for money perhaps he could look for an evening job instead of lolling about whinging that he doesn’t want to cut up a cucumber.

how can you have any respect for him at all?

This is what I want, soooo badly, that sounds like a perfect arrangement! I just want to feel like an equal but I don’t. It’s really hard as all my friends and family live at least a 4 hour train away from me, so I don’t go out much. So I think he is used to me always being nearby now, so maybe I need to rip the plaster off and just go out more by myself so he has no choice but to get use to it

Do you go halves on the childcare? As you are both working that day? If not, maybe he could pay for a second day, to give you a bit more time.

Sorry, only just seen the later messages saying the same.