How much is reasonable to expect your husband to help when you’re a SAHM? Am I asking for too much?

[eiy2028]

Hi,

DD (D) is 16 months old.

I am technically a SAHM but I have continued running my own business, usually doing work when D naps as the only family we live near still work full-time and we also can’t afford much childcare, only 1 day a week. DH (F) is in finance working 8-5 M-F.

I feel like I’m at the end of my tether asking for help. I understand that I will have to take on most household chores etc, but it feels like a constant battle when I need help.

It drives me nuts with the constant complaining, when I ask F to give D a bath or feed her and he complains because he’s tired, he only really looks after her while I cook, or clean, or take a shower. Sometimes he will let me take a nap on the weekend, or will let me lie in until 8am at which point when I get up he will go back to bed for a few hours (I’m happy with this arrangement)

But she is 16 months old and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have left him alone with our daughter. Times where I have asked to go out, he’s said he will ask his parents to come and help. It makes me want to scream

But I get he is tired and his job is stressful. But I am also exhausted, and the final straw where I almost hit the roof was last night when he was supposed to go to a music event after work. I cooked for myself and left him some to take to work the next day, I had been sat down for 30 minutes after a full day with D and he ended up coming home early from the event. He asked me to get up to cook dinner for him while he had a shower, and I begged him to just reheat the leftovers I made as I was exhausted and wanted to rest. He started complaining because he didn’t want to have to grate the cheese or chop up the cucumber to put on his leftover burger. Then he started complaining because his yoghurt had ran out, which he didn’t tell me about so I didn’t buy any.

I just feel like last night summed up everything I have been feeling. That it is always my responsibility to look after everything at my own expense and I am never the one to get looked after

how much do you expect from your partners as a SAHM? I just feel like I’m really starting to lose my patience

No she's not. That's nonsense. She is capable of earning money. If she wasn't caring for her child full time she would.be more capable of earning eleven more money. If they separated she would also be entitled to cms and potentially benefits and potentially help with childcare costs.

Op it is a really good idea to always have a back up plan. If he walked away tomorrow what would you do? What would you need to do to ensure that you and baby were sorted? Before I agreed to be a sahp, I insisted on being paid a salary. Not money for groceries or bills, but money that was just mine to spend how I saw fit, but really to give me an opportunity to save.

Trad Wife, is that you!?

Are you actually married? Because he is epically taking the piss.

What was your life like before you had your child? Did your business bring in enough for you to pay rent, have a life of your own? If not, then I think as passionate as you are about your business then I think you should seriously consider getting a full time job and rebalancing your relationship. It will also protect you if it can't be sorted out and give you a decent CV to fall back on.

Look, every couple finds their own balance on this. At the moment it sounds like the current balance isn’t working for you and needs to change. That should be a normal, honest conversation between any two people adapting to parenthood.

But I notice your OP is phrased as him ‘letting’ you have naps, or you ‘asking’ to go out. That’s a bit troubling tbh. The idea that you’re a full time parent who has to get exceptional permission to have a break is a really bad place to end up, for everyone. Don’t end up there by accident. And if you’re there because he likes it that way, I’d be worried.

He sounds like a immature twat.

He isn't nice to you. He isn't respectful of you.

You are run off your feet, not able to rest for a moment.

Is he controlling in other ways?

You are doing far too much. No way would I get off the sofa to make dinner on demand for an able bodied adult who had sat at a desk all day.

Not especially no. A woman who had a successful career with 12 hour days spanning 16 years, in the City (investment banking) before children and who started a new career, aged 43 when the youngest was 5/6, including professional qualifications. In our early 60s DH and I still work full-time, having operated as a team for more than 33 years.

I trust you don't have a problem with that.

I knowwww I really never thought I’d be doing that when I imagined myself having children 😂

I think just the debates about doing it or not doing it are so draining and I’m tired of getting angry, so I just do it. I’ve definitely enabled it

No matter how tired he is, you are not his mother and he needs to spend time with his child and care for his child rather than act the lazy arse.

Sat at a desk all day and then gone out to a music concert no less. It's a sign of just how bad the OP is being treated that she got up and made him a meal rather than throw something large and heavy at his head.

He's a lazy fucker

Yes it did, it was really successful when I was able to do it full time but then it obviously fell off with maternity leave and has been hard to get back up.

when we weighed up the costs of full time childcare against what I would make in my industry, we realised we would only be a couple hundred pounds better off a month. With my business, even though I can’t go full time yet, I make more in relation to how much childcare costs.

I did at one point apply for jobs for stability for our family but the job market is crazy at the moment I didn’t even get a call back from 95% of jobs

I'm a man.

Your partner appears to be a selfish arsehole. If he doesn't want leftovers, tell him to cook his own fucking dinner.

With regards to sharing the load, he should come home, have ten minutes to get settled and then take over for at least an hour so that you can have a shower and a bit of downtime before your daughter's bedtime. After your daughter is in bed, the least he can do is the day's washing up.

He should be pulling his weight at the weekend - e.g. one lie-in each, he should do his own laundry and your daughter's, cook at least one lunch and dinner, etc.

@Jumblebum
As long as she makes it clear she is completely committed to the relationship and believes he is too, he holds all the power.

She has reached the point where she believes she needs to reset boundaries with this saddo, as if it's all her own fault that things have sunk to the low they are now at.

She needs to up her game, make it clear she has an alternative in mind, and make it clear that the continuation of the relationship is conditional. As long as he thinks she is stuck with the baby and has no options apart from the exploitative relationship, he will continue to ignore and disrespect her.

She needs to look at what 50-50 custody would mean for her, and she needs to look at how much child support he would be liable for if an EOW arrangement were to be made. She needs to make it clear to him that she has options and he has a decision to make.

Whether a relationship can ever be the same after dropping that sort of bombshell on a 'man' who thinks non-participation in housework and parenting is an option is another matter, but she needs to consider how many years more of this she wants to put up with if he (predictably) refuses to change.

He’s not controlling at all - we had such an amazing relationship before becoming parents, which breaks my heart to say. He was very kind, thoughtful, patient, selfless. But there’s definitely an imbalance now and when he is tired (which is literally all the time now) it brings out his worst qualities. But that is why I have been so patient because I know it’s not his nature and he was just finding the transition difficult, but now I’m like I can’t wait much longer for change because I’m going to lose my mind. But then I really didn’t know if it was me expecting too much or something unrealistic

Are you claiming all you can in terms of benefits/ tax free childcare?

I would stop doing anything that he would need to do if you were not there, so entertaining his friends, washing his clothes, cutting up his cucumber etc. your are looking after your joint child, not being his mother.

He also needs to spend time with his child, both while you are there doing bathtime/ bedtime, and also solo caring so he understands what it takes to keep a child and the house up together. He might then appreciate what you do a little more.

when we weighed up the costs of full time childcare against what I would make in my industry, we realised we would only be a couple hundred pounds better off a month. With my business, even though I can’t go full time yet, I make more in relation to how much childcare costs.

Was this on the basis that your salary covered 100% of childcare? That old chestnut.

Yes 😅 which I realise was the wrong way to look at it, I don’t know why we did. But we both get equal access to whatever is leftover no matter who earned it / what it was spent on, and we are still better off financially as a whole when she is not in full time childcare / with a full time job. That is until she is eligible for free childcare of course

Op are there any free baby groups by you? In local churches usually run some during term time

We agree then. He needs to be told he doesn't have all the power and that she has both the capacity and will to separate if he doesn't up his game.

@eiy2028 unfortunately men sometimes do change when they think their partner has less options. Show him that this isn't the case.

My dh used to come home from work and scoop dd up and spend time with her. He couldn't wait! She would have had her dinner by the time he got home and dh did the bath and bedtime routine because if he didn't, he would have hardly seen her.

I made our dinner and did some jobs while he was doing that and we had dinner when dd was in bed before collapsing and watching tv. When she was about two he started taking her swimming on a Saturday morning which was great for me as you just want to be by yourself sometimes.

Maybe you need to consider what exactly he brings to the table. You are parenting him and DC. You do everything and he does his 9-5. Realistically, you could leave him, reduce your workload and have free time when he has contact with DC. You might love him but just behaviour isn't very loving. He does less because he's lazy and selfish while you slog yourself to a breakdown carrying his load. He needs to fix up or eventually the resentment will build and outweigh your live for him.

Holy cow.

You need to have a serious conversation.

What did he think parenting looks like?

Now that you have a child, does he think that means your life is o-v-e-r while his stays the same?

Does he think that your career path and future has to be sacrificed because you gave birth to his daughter?

Sounds to me that he has no interest in stepping up and taking equal responsibility for child-rearing and everything that comes with running a home and family.

Well fuck that. It's not the 1950s.

Or give him the option that you can split up and he can have 50/50 so he has the same input as you. With everything that entails.

Did you guys live together for very long before you had a baby? He reads like he’s not used to living with someone else and pulling his weight.

I would really consider either ramping up your business to full time hours or getting a “normal” job. It doesn’t matter if you only just break even as a family, you will be paying into your pension and building your cv. You are young and not married, you need to protect your earning ability in case you split.

I don’t know how you haven’t murdered him by now.

So from what I read you have tried many routes to open up a conversation

• you have cooked dinner last night, but he couldn’t be arsed to cut cucumbers (I mean what the actual fuck is that about!)
• you have suggested childminding to bring in more money (he said no)
• you have asked for support
• you have begged for support
• he has isolated you (perhaps unintentionally??) by you moving away from what you know - to a place where you don’t know anyone!
• he does fuck all to help you and does very little with DD
• he clearly isn’t supporting your career or he would have DD at night so you would work or do meetings!

Quite frankly he is being a dick most adults work his hours (or more) and are still capable of coming home and doing housework. My DH started at 6 this morning and won’t be home till 6/7 tonight- he will still do the kitchen/ dishwasher when he comes in - but I finished at 4 today and have put the washing on, packed my son of on a camping weekend, cooked my DD tea before she went to work, done a home shop, hoovered etc - we are a team.

You need to start leaving the house more so he has to do bedtime/ bath time etc - even if its a walk out or an exercise class or whatever it is you enjoy!

Then its a I am now telling you I have had enough conversations- so how are you going to support me? how are you going to step up? Please don’t leave this as the resentment will build.