How much is reasonable to expect your husband to help when you’re a SAHM? Am I asking for too much?

[eiy2028]

Hi,

DD (D) is 16 months old.

I am technically a SAHM but I have continued running my own business, usually doing work when D naps as the only family we live near still work full-time and we also can’t afford much childcare, only 1 day a week. DH (F) is in finance working 8-5 M-F.

I feel like I’m at the end of my tether asking for help. I understand that I will have to take on most household chores etc, but it feels like a constant battle when I need help.

It drives me nuts with the constant complaining, when I ask F to give D a bath or feed her and he complains because he’s tired, he only really looks after her while I cook, or clean, or take a shower. Sometimes he will let me take a nap on the weekend, or will let me lie in until 8am at which point when I get up he will go back to bed for a few hours (I’m happy with this arrangement)

But she is 16 months old and I can count on one hand the amount of times I have left him alone with our daughter. Times where I have asked to go out, he’s said he will ask his parents to come and help. It makes me want to scream

But I get he is tired and his job is stressful. But I am also exhausted, and the final straw where I almost hit the roof was last night when he was supposed to go to a music event after work. I cooked for myself and left him some to take to work the next day, I had been sat down for 30 minutes after a full day with D and he ended up coming home early from the event. He asked me to get up to cook dinner for him while he had a shower, and I begged him to just reheat the leftovers I made as I was exhausted and wanted to rest. He started complaining because he didn’t want to have to grate the cheese or chop up the cucumber to put on his leftover burger. Then he started complaining because his yoghurt had ran out, which he didn’t tell me about so I didn’t buy any.

I just feel like last night summed up everything I have been feeling. That it is always my responsibility to look after everything at my own expense and I am never the one to get looked after

how much do you expect from your partners as a SAHM? I just feel like I’m really starting to lose my patience

You’re right, I don’t know where the guilt comes from when it comes to paying for childcare so I can work on my business. My partner has definitely never made me feel guilty about paying for childcare or anything, so it’s not him. But yeah even half a day childcare would make a huge difference, since the problem with running a business (even though I love it) is that quite a huge chunk of my work is unpaid, since I have to do my own marketing / behind the scenes stuff to keep it running so that takes out a lot of ‘earning time’ I could get with clients. But half a day would make a huge difference in terms of paid work, basically the more childcare we have the more profitable it becomes. But yeah I don’t know where that guilt comes from!

Hi!

most definitely feeling very validated. It’s been a struggle in silence since I don’t want to tell my family or friends about this since they are very protective and I don’t want them having a negative opinion of him since, as I know he wasn’t like this before becoming a parent, I know that this is something we can work on - it’s just more that I didn’t know if I was being unreasonable/expecting too much.

and you’re right about the job too. I have suggested finding something else as as much as he loves it they treat him badly and it’s not stable. But I don’t want to push too hard as he loves it.

I always think that too

Wow. No this isn’t reasonable- husband works much longer hours and is way more helpful. I try get stuff done during the day but when he’s home it’s pretty 50/50. I do the nights because I breastfeed but he does all mornings. He sounds like another child you have to take care of rather than your partner

You have fallen into the trap most women (in all honesty) when they have a baby.
I bought a book called Womanhooded and working my way through it to get my own life back instead of being a slave for 6 years.
If I were you I wouldn't make a big announcement for him to kick back at but would set the "tone" of your parenting. I would arrange one night a week where you do a hobby or visit a friend minimum. I would say I am having a pamper night as been working since 6am with no break, here's the baby for a couple of hours etc.
You need and deserve some self care. If you don't put some systems in place (for starters) you will regret it and he will totally take you and everything you do for granted as he knows nothing of what it involves.
You are right and he needs to step up to his new role of Father and Partner.
Good luck. You deserve it. 

Loads of good advice on here.

Just based on this I think you should start doing things for yourself out of the house. Are there free running clubs in your area? Parkrun? or a walking club. I did one and made friends from that. You need a life outside of the home. Have you made any friends in the area? I would focus on that. There are apps for finding friends locally. and meetup is good and usually free.

I will have a look at that book thank you!

this is a really great idea, I really wanted to join a Pilates class or book club or something like that, but it’s hard since with his job he often (sometimes multiple times a week) wakes up in the morning to a message from work saying “actually, instead of 8-5 we need you to work 1pm-10pm today” which means I can never make plans.

but I love the idea of a pamper night, that way even though I can’t make plans I could get a couple hours alone to do my eyebrows nails skincare etc and just pamper myself.

im also going to ask if he could speak to his parents about maybe watching her one night a week, in the event his shift changes, so i can join a class. I don’t think they’ll say yes as they’re very busy but it’s worth a shot. As it would be a good way to meet people hopefully

Definitely! There are but I posted a comment just now above this one explaining why clubs are difficult for me.

I haven’t made any, I initially made one when I first moved here and we could afford baby groups but then she started working full time again after maternity leave and so that has meant she doesn’t have the time anymore.

I also tried peanut but again nothing else has come of that but I will give it another go. What is meet-up, is that an app?

with Parkruns you can sign up and turn up if able but there is no obligation. Meetups is a website where you can join people doing events sometimes for a small fee or look for free ones.

You have marketing skills, could you start a mother and baby meetup in the park or soft play if raining in your area? Even once a month might be a good way to make friends with other mums in your area.

I think having friends is really important because your world is in danger of shrinking. Your dh is starting to forget you are a person in your own right, he is starting to see you as 'mum' - not just to dd, but to him too. His tantrum over grating cheese and cutting up cucumber needs to be a signal to carve up a life for yourself.

I agree with pp that you are being far too supportive of his job and how much he enjoys it. If it's not paying enough he needs to find better paid work elsewhere. He is a husband and father now, he needs to think practically.

Hiya. Note your comment about a degree. I'm a great believer in the Open University and you could study from home but you will need his support. There is no reason that you stagnate just to enable his career. You deserve your career too.

You could be though, if you had equal support. I don't think at all you are asking for much- when he is home, it should be 50/50, and if you need more time for your job/ mental health- that is not just on you. I did the same tbh- took on everything 24/7 for three under 3s, as my partner worked- and literally had a nervous breakdown. Anxiety issues never did go.
Please have a proper chat with him and divide a bit more fairly. What saved me, was going back to work- so much easier, adult conversation etc. Good luck.

I did a Psychology Honours degree with the OU from home with 3 little ones. They were so helpful and supportive. So many choices of courses, and financial help if you need it. I would also recommend it.