Selfish partner

[cbryantxx]

Hi all,

I need some advice, so me and my partner have a 19 month old child, and I have no other childcare help than him atm.

He wanted me to be a SAHM to save money and to raise our child but also when I moved into his place when my little one was born it was too far from my old job, I tried it for 6 months but the travelling was too much so I've had another 6 months off. Where we live now is far from where he works too. I start a new job closer to here on Monday so I guess things will change.

So my partner is self employed, can pick and choose his hours but always leaves early like between 6-7am and comes back maybe 8-9pm. He always finds time to go to the gym. Even if he finishes work early like 4 he won't come back here and will chill with his friends and blames 'rush hour' traffic.

I basically do everything on my own, breakfast, lunch, dinner, washing up, cleaning, bedtime etc.

Now I'm going back to work Monday I honestly can't wait because I just hate how unfair it is that he does what he wants and I can't and also the loneliness. If I say anything he says you make me not want to come home lol. At the minute we live in his flat so I don't pay rent currently.

My issue is, I used to go to the gym allll the time before my baby and I love the gym. But whenever I ask him to go he'll be like I'm too busy this week or I've got stuff on but then he'll go?????

I asked him last night what day I can go gym as I've not been for a week (the last time I went was because I told him to have him for the day) but he goes every single day. He said oh I'm really busy this week I've got to be out early in the mornings. Then as he left this morning packed his gym bag????

I assume he thinks because he's out early and out all day that he shouldn't have to come back all this way and he can just go gym in between work but it's not fair!

I try and walk as much as I can with baby but I just think it's such a joke. I sacrifice so much and he doesn't sacrifice a thing.

If I do bring it up I feel that it will turn into an argument. He has always been like this since the little one was born but i also do kind of get it because we live so far from where we both were from. In rush hour it takes like 1 hour 40 mins to get to our house.

We do eventually want to move but idk what to do. He said oh you'll be able to go gym at the weekend but again it's not fair that he's going every day and I can't because he won't sacrifice!!? I've even tried going on runs with the pram but where we live isn't a nice area and no parks with flat ground to run. I've tried to do some home workouts too but I'm massively into weights.

Any advice welcome :) x

I’d leave him to be honest.
He doesn’t care about you or the baby.

Dump him.

He's living a single life while you keep his house and look after his baby. He's too selfish and self absorbed to take his own child so you can get a break and if he cared about you, he'd want you to get some exercise and time for yourself.

My advice is to start work, save money and move out preferably somewhere less isolated.

Well the first thing you can do is to go to the gym this weekend and stay out as long as possible so he is solo parenting his child which I am guessing he has probably never done.

If he cared about you he would make sure you had time for yourself and would want to come home and spend time with his child and with you. The sad thing is he doesn't seem to care.

You are a convenient house slave for him, washing his pants, cooking his meals. Why would you want to continue to do that for him? You can clearly manage to do it all on your own so why stay?

Thank you all for the advice and you're all right. I guess I'm used to it now so it seems normal but then when I hear about other families I realise it's not.

He also refuses to add me on instagram because it 'causes too many issues' doesn't post us and has cheated in the past.

We've been kind of on and off because of all the issues I've mentioned.

The only thing stopping me from leaving him was the fact I had no money and didn't have a job (but I do now) and the fact me and my boy won't have anywhere to live (no family near) so due to me having a job from Monday hopefully I can get out of this situation. He knew I was reliant on him for money and the fact we live in his flat so I guess that's why it's been harder.

We have tried co - parenting before but because we live here together it's hard.

He’s a selfish, selfish cheating, lying, nasty little prick. Look forward to your own home away from him.

😂😂 I love the anger from a stranger too!!! Honestly, I agree. I just need this stage to be over so I can move on and get far away. I feel he knew I was stuck because of the money situation. I've just grown so used to all of this that I clearly think it's me that's the problem because he convinces me I'm a nagging bitch!

Why stay with him?

Move closer to real help.
Buy a jogging pram and live in a pram friendly area.
Look at booking sessions at a gym or swimming pool that offers a creche.

Once you are settled, you could try giving your partner a chance at parenting by staying at your place twice per week while you are out or working or at gym.
Having your partner long term would be unwise but you could try to find a way for him to share parenting.

Because I do love him, we get on really well and have a lot of good times, we have a young boy together. I believed he could change and be different. He's not as bad as he used to be (he used to go out all the time) so part of me thinks he's changed a bit.

Also until yesterday I didn't have a job (I gave my old job up to move in with him due to how far away it is) so I didn't have a lot of money (depending on him) , i have no family or friends near and nowhere for me and my boy to go, so that's why.

Hey,

Thank you for your response. Good idea. We have co-parented in the past (I lived at my dad's) and he had him 2 days a week while I worked so it could work again.

I guess it's just harder because I live in his place and he said if we were to co-parent I'd have to leave here overnight while he has our son and go and stay somewhere else.

I think eventually when I'm working long enough and saved it would be best for me to move closer to where I grew up ( near family)

Move back home. He is scum. You dont love him. You are justifying staying with him because
you feel trapped. He certainly doesnt love you.

Your "partner" (he isn't) is a selfish cunt. You'd be better off moving back where you've got some support.

If for incomprehensible reasons you're set on staying with this lazy cheating arse at the very least make sure to write down all your work hours for a week and try to do the same for him (including commute but not the gym or piss-ups with his friends.) Go through it with him. Both if you should have equal leisure time.

If he isn't up for that- go back to option 1, rinse and repeat.

I can't move back to my dads due to my sister and boyfriend living there so there isn't enough space and I have no other family I could live with 🫤 I'm pretty sure I do love him. Like I said we have good times and get on but there's a lot of cons 🤕

This, I'm afraid.

Thank you for the advice. I guess I wouldn't even know if he was working or if he wasn't tbh.

I'm just curious as to what makes everyone so sure he wouldn't change? I feel so isolated and like if I was to ever say these things he'd gaslight me into thinking I'm the problem 🫤 he says that's your job to look after the child and says he pays all the bills etc.

I would love to just up and leave like I have before. But like I said I can't move back home.

Should I co-parent until I'm in my job longer and can afford to move out?
What do I do when he wants to have our son over night at our place?

Thanks for the tough love also lol. Sometimes I do need things putting bluntly.

Also, any of you guys in healthy relationships now with children? Please could you talk me through it and what's a normal daily routine? I genuinely don't know anyone who has a healthy relationship with children involved so I guess I've lost hope 😓 my dad is single and my mum lives abroad and is also single.

Caveat: I work 3 days a week as a teacher- so 13 weeks of holiday a year too! DH is full time.

The routine on my working days: I breastfeed DS when he wakes, pass him to DH to entertain whilst I get ready and eat breakfast etc, then I dress him whilst DH takes the dog out. DH does drop off at nursery as the sooner I get to work the sooner I can leave at the end of the day, and he has more set hours so doesn't benefit from an early start. DS has breakfast at nursery. I do pick up, then we both tag team with either cooking dinner, chores, playing with DS, then his bedtime routine. It’s run with military precision tbh! It helps that DH is usually home by 5:30pm. Re the gym/exercise we tend to do one evening each (ideally on a day when I’m not working but we don’t stick strictly to this) and then something at the weekend each (so twice a week), we both could go more post bed time but choose not to out of laziness!

@clbx

DH and I share everything. Literally everything.

I'm off work for summer now (work in a school) so I have the children in the day while he's at work - however, he gets up with the toddler because he's up for work anyway and I get up and follow him down in time for him logging on to work or leaving for the train.
After work, he takes our toddler out for a bit to give me a break.
Ovcasionally, if he's time in the day and not much work on, he'll watch our son and tell me to have some time to go to the gym or just read my book in costa for an hour.

He loves to go to the gym but we always work out when he'll go and when I'll go.

Hell get up at the crack of dawn to go to the gym early doors because it means he doesn't then need to fit in to the day and can use that time to give me a break from a rather needy 3yo.

During term time - again, everything is shared. We work out who's dropping off and picking up depending on whether he's wfh or going into the office. We just talk about who needs to be where and who'd like to do what and work out how it will work best.

Honestly, it's time to put yourself first and walk away because he's certainly not prioritising you.

I'm just curious as to what makes everyone so sure he wouldn't change
because people dont change. This is who they are. And also, why would he? He doesnt care about you or the child and he gets to do what he wants when he wants. What would be the benefit to him of changing?

me and dh share the Household workload. He does all the cooking though

Well it's very unfair isn't it. You need to talk to him and say the baby is both of yours and you're both working so gym time needs to be fair. So if he goes 3 times a week then you need 3 times a week if he won't agree his a selfish arse and can't see it working

See, I feel like reading these posts makes me realise that's how it should be, but I've been made to think that because I'm his mum I should have to do everything. But that's not the case one bit. I think he likes to use the fact I wasn't working as the reason and he earns the money but wouldn't give me any other than to do a food shop.

I think you're completely right. He genuinely doesn't give a fuck because someone that would would actually want to help like your partner is and constantly wakes up and your needs are on his mind where as my guy, he wakes up, thinks of himself all day and that's it.

Thank you so much for your help. I tried to ring him and end it last night anyway but he just put the phone down so I've sent a text.

Okay, yeh that's so true. Anytime I do say how I'm feeling anyway he either hangs up the phone or leaves the house and says I'm nagging.

Yeh I realise now this is not a normal relationship and he's been gaslighting me into believing it is and using money against me.

I'd love to have someone that cooks or even just washes the pots after I cook, I'm genuinely doing everything on my own and like you said he doesn't care. Even with me saying I'm going back to work, I'm still expected to run round before and after work picking and dropping baby from nursery.

I'm basically a single parent anyway so I'll continue to be one without having a grown man effecting me too. I have ended it but he's not acknowledged it and ignored my message.

Exactly, tbf I have said this in the past and he says he cba driving all the way back here..

I genuinely think I'm better on my own he's just selfish that's it. This isn't a normal relationship.

Thank you for the advice :) x