Selfish partner

[cbryantxx]

Hi all,

I need some advice, so me and my partner have a 19 month old child, and I have no other childcare help than him atm.

He wanted me to be a SAHM to save money and to raise our child but also when I moved into his place when my little one was born it was too far from my old job, I tried it for 6 months but the travelling was too much so I've had another 6 months off. Where we live now is far from where he works too. I start a new job closer to here on Monday so I guess things will change.

So my partner is self employed, can pick and choose his hours but always leaves early like between 6-7am and comes back maybe 8-9pm. He always finds time to go to the gym. Even if he finishes work early like 4 he won't come back here and will chill with his friends and blames 'rush hour' traffic.

I basically do everything on my own, breakfast, lunch, dinner, washing up, cleaning, bedtime etc.

Now I'm going back to work Monday I honestly can't wait because I just hate how unfair it is that he does what he wants and I can't and also the loneliness. If I say anything he says you make me not want to come home lol. At the minute we live in his flat so I don't pay rent currently.

My issue is, I used to go to the gym allll the time before my baby and I love the gym. But whenever I ask him to go he'll be like I'm too busy this week or I've got stuff on but then he'll go?????

I asked him last night what day I can go gym as I've not been for a week (the last time I went was because I told him to have him for the day) but he goes every single day. He said oh I'm really busy this week I've got to be out early in the mornings. Then as he left this morning packed his gym bag????

I assume he thinks because he's out early and out all day that he shouldn't have to come back all this way and he can just go gym in between work but it's not fair!

I try and walk as much as I can with baby but I just think it's such a joke. I sacrifice so much and he doesn't sacrifice a thing.

If I do bring it up I feel that it will turn into an argument. He has always been like this since the little one was born but i also do kind of get it because we live so far from where we both were from. In rush hour it takes like 1 hour 40 mins to get to our house.

We do eventually want to move but idk what to do. He said oh you'll be able to go gym at the weekend but again it's not fair that he's going every day and I can't because he won't sacrifice!!? I've even tried going on runs with the pram but where we live isn't a nice area and no parks with flat ground to run. I've tried to do some home workouts too but I'm massively into weights.

Any advice welcome :) x

A healthy relationship would be u saying I’m going to the gym on Friday and him saying no worries what time? Ok I can be back then or I’ll be back half hour after that is that ok? I realise he works long hours (so does my other half) but he is doing literally zero parenting/partnering. My husband leaves at 6 and gets home at 6. He pops to the pub maybe once a week. He comes home and does a few chores. I do everything else as I work part time. If I want to go out I check he’s about and tell him I’m going. Not adding u on social media is a huge red flag. What issues is he talking about?!

I think the reason some posters have responded the way they have is because of the name change. When a thread gets long people will only read the highlighted op’s, so if you name change the ones under the new name wouldn't show. No sane person with good, healthy boundaries would have read all your posts, both names, and think you should stay.

I qualified but he didn't want me doing that because of men in the gym. new red flag!

i think your career options sound good. Day job with the possibility of side hustle PT when you've got a routine going. Your future looks bright. 😎

but i agree with the pp on him being self employed. You may struggle to get more than pennies from him. And it isn't likely he will suddenly start parenting either. Get yourself to the position where you do not need him at all.

I have a nearly one year old.
I work 3 days a week most weeks sometimes 4. my other half works 5, both run our own businesses
now don’t get me wrong I do most the child care, but he is good and will help where he can

On a working day DH goes out about 7, I go about 8 so I get the little one up/to childminders or he may come with me to work. Then basically who ever is finished work first will pick up DS or if I’ve had him for the day my other half will take him in the evening/from about 4pm I then go to the gym and he will take him home and put him to bed/do evening routine.
My non working days DH will take DS from about 4pm so I have a couple of hours to gym/walk dogs and I’ll try and be home for DS bedtime if not DH will do it
weekends we are either out as a family or just work out who needs to do what and share the childcare so we are both able to get what we need done

I don't have children but all of my close friends have babies and toddlers. ALL of their partners share everything 50/50. What you're describing isn't normal. This man only cares about himself and seems to be gaslighting you also. I worry that he has isolated you purposefully so that you won't leave. You need to leave him. I would look into support from charities and councils to get out ASAP. I worry as soon as you start earning money again he will demand it from you so you're trapped with him as his house slave.

Going through the same here. I’ve said this morning you either sort your shit out or you can get to your mothers because I’m done. Only time will tell.

How are things now OP? Are you able to give an update?

Hi guys,

Sorry I've had such a hectic week due to little one being ill.

Yeh he's an absolute nightmare. Since we broke up last week he's staying at a house he owns it's a house share but yeh he said he would have our little one on Sunday (so one day last week) I spent the weekend upset crying just obviously trying to get into my head what's happened.

The Saturday night I saw on his friends stories he was out in town, which obviously hurt because it's like he's just so unbothered? He turned up the Sunday to our flat and I didn't speak to him at all (I normally have something to say but I just cba) no words were said and I had an overnight dad to stay at my dads as he stays in this flat when he has our son now.. because he said he has nowhere else to have him and because he pays for it. So 5 mins into me leaving he rang me saying where's his passport etc because he's going to turkey isn't he (gone today) but accused me of hiding it I just said I don't care enough to hide it and it's in the drawer or under the coffee table and that I'd seen it 2 days ago.

Anyway he's going on that I've hid it so paranoid and I was like right I'll come back and I know I'll find it so I came back, looked under the coffee table and it was there he pretended not to see it. He didn't say anything and I left, had such a nice day to myself, went to the gym, spa, nail appointment and went to my dad's and had a roast dinner and stayed over. The next morning I went to the gym then back and he was calling me because it was 10 minutes over the agreed time (which he did to me on the Sunday) then i came in the house and he left and said I'll see him tomorrow before he goes away (yesterday).

I did make a point of saying I find it a joke that he's spent thousands of pounds going to turkey to get his veneers polished when he doesn't need to and that he said he was skint. He's left me with no savings and I've had to buy our son everything etc and he won't buy him clothes or toys. He kicked off saying I live in his house and how dare I and hung up.

He turned up last night to the house at 8pm to say bye to our son? Sorry but that's his bed time and I also couldn't go out anywhere as I'd just got him settled and had to prep stuff for the evening. He was being so rude. He was like stop looking at me you can't just bat your eyelids and we're fine again (I didn't even look at him) I was like I've not??? He's like you've ruined this family etc. you're the problem, you couldn't shut up etc. & saying how dare I question what he does with his money and he gives me £200 monthly which is enough for our son and his clothes which I said it's not and had to explain what I've spent money on!!! Since I lived with him he never ever gave me money hence me using my savings, he used to give me £200 monthly I and £100 week for food shop, all my bills and personal payments I was using my savings for.

I was like the reason we've broke up is because I don't trust you & you don't give a shit and you don't help me. He was like I don't care that's your problem. Being a fucking nob, I had to go in the bathroom because I was getting upset. Came back out and he was like I've moved on now anyway I don't want to be with you, you made my life hell. Again it's like ???? Wtf he was just making me feel so shit.

He ended up leaving at like 10pm & I rang him to be like why are you being so awful you're the reason we've ended. He was like it's not me it's you I don't care anymore I'm glad I'm not with you I never want to be with you. You need to start seeing someone so you stop mythering me now. Stop ringing my phone. Hung up lol. And said I need to pay rent by next month.

How the fuck has the guy made me feel shit and like everything's my fault. Honestly I've felt so shit today about everything. He has twisted everything and been nasty and got into my head that I should be missing him!!?? He even said I told you you'd miss me when I'm gone and I was like what ? You're the one in the wrong why would I miss you. I feel he's so manipulative and makes me so sad.

What do I do moving forward please?

My sons going into full time childcare on Monday (which I'm paying all for) and I'm starting work on Monday so hopefully I'll feel happier but I just feel so low :( when he's in front of me all my feelings and points are so invalid and he makes me feel like I'm crazy. He also doesn't ever let me speak and just says he doesn't care what I have to say.

I just want to move past this and be fully over the guy.

I also feel like he's definitely speaking and meeting up with girls which fucking hurts. I'm doing nothing but staying in and looking after our child. I'm also stuck with childcare at the minute so even if I did want to go out all my family are busy until like 2 weeks to look after our son.

In the past when we've broke up I've gone out and it's helped because I've obviously had fun with my friends and let my hair down and spoke to boys but this time it's like I can't.

I'm also scared because I'm in his house if he does find out I've spoke to anyone he could do anything like ruin my stuff or kick us out so that's also stopping me from even speaking to a boy!!

You need to leave.
That's the road to nowhere x

Ask him for a lump sum for something.... bank it

I thought this too

Hey, I think you're quite far behind in the post. I've left but you'll have to read the rest :/

Wow. He is an utter cunt.

I hope all his gums shrivel and turn black and his revolting turkey teeth veneers fall off and he’s left with black vampire peg teeth.

You are so much better off without this misogynistic failure of a man. Truly. And life will take a chunk out of his arse soon enough.

@Leanmeansmitingmachine what you said has really made me giggle 😂😂😂😂😂😂 vampire teeth LOL!! 😂😂😂

He is so mysogenistic, honestly I do believe in karma and I hope it comes round and gets him quickly. I just want to be over him already!!!

I know it wasn’t very helpful, but I hope it made you feel better. It will happen anyway, veneers are ten years, tops.

You just have to ride this storm for now. Get working, get some money coming in, save like a maniac, ignore him and everything he says, focus on your lovely son. This man is poison. He will destroy you from the inside out. You’re so much better than him. And the best revenge EVER is living well.

He can try being a fuck boy for the rest of his life but it won’t be very long before he’s a black gummed, bald, shrivelled ageing creepy old man.

@Leanmeansmitingmachine it definitely helped 😂😂😂😂

I've been with him 4 years and just feel like he's massively put me down, he has a god complex. He always used to make comments about how men look better as they get older and women don't (I'm 26 and he's 33) and that he could trade me in for another younger woman any day lol.

He also used to watch videos in front of me saying no one wants a woman with a child and shit lol. Because of times we've broke up and I've spoke to people I know that's not true anyway but he's so harmful.

He's so poisonous. I just can't even remember what it feels like to be with someone normal. How do I fully detach from him and just feel nothing? like I'm so so angry and hate him but when he's in front of me and being a normal person and nice with our son and then he blames me it makes me feel wrong when I know I'm not !!!! It probably sounds crazy but it's like a vicious cycle!!!!

I met him when I was like 22 and honestly I was always that girl that was like ew if he cheats I'll leave and I used to have such high standards and self respect, I feel like now I'm so weak and finding it really hard because he still has power over me with this flat and I've been reliant on him for so long that I don't know any different.

Anyone got any advice on the recent situation please 💕 I'm so grateful for everyone commenting I couldn't get through it without you all Xx

I think for the sake of your health, safety and your sanity you need to do whatever you can to move out permanently and cut ties. He’s toxic and abusive and I can’t see that changing. All I can see are red flags and I’m scared that the next step will be violence and “look what you made me do”. Are you still seeing a health visitor / baby clinic / GP because I think you need to tell someone how bad it is at home for both you and your baby. There are women’s support groups for advice and refuges - is there anyone at all you can stay with even in the short term? Ultimately you need support to become independent of him. It’s not just you, it’s your baby too. Please leave?! Xxxx

He’s brainwashed you into thinking you don’t deserve any better and that’s absolute rubbish. You are so much more than that, you and your baby are amazing, you’re a team. But you need a bit of support to get out of the situation you’re in xx

If you are now paying for the flat, stop this nonsense of him coming to yours to stay over.

he picks the child up and leaves immediately. Stop engaging with him.

OP, how are you doing?

I'm not paying he said he'll give me a month. I have no income atm and start my new job tomorrow so obviously won't get paid till the end of the month, but even then it has to go straight towards childcare and it's not a full month wage because I've had to start childcare. He said he'd pay half for our son and I pay the rest but from next month.