Selfish partner

[cbryantxx]

Hi all,

I need some advice, so me and my partner have a 19 month old child, and I have no other childcare help than him atm.

He wanted me to be a SAHM to save money and to raise our child but also when I moved into his place when my little one was born it was too far from my old job, I tried it for 6 months but the travelling was too much so I've had another 6 months off. Where we live now is far from where he works too. I start a new job closer to here on Monday so I guess things will change.

So my partner is self employed, can pick and choose his hours but always leaves early like between 6-7am and comes back maybe 8-9pm. He always finds time to go to the gym. Even if he finishes work early like 4 he won't come back here and will chill with his friends and blames 'rush hour' traffic.

I basically do everything on my own, breakfast, lunch, dinner, washing up, cleaning, bedtime etc.

Now I'm going back to work Monday I honestly can't wait because I just hate how unfair it is that he does what he wants and I can't and also the loneliness. If I say anything he says you make me not want to come home lol. At the minute we live in his flat so I don't pay rent currently.

My issue is, I used to go to the gym allll the time before my baby and I love the gym. But whenever I ask him to go he'll be like I'm too busy this week or I've got stuff on but then he'll go?????

I asked him last night what day I can go gym as I've not been for a week (the last time I went was because I told him to have him for the day) but he goes every single day. He said oh I'm really busy this week I've got to be out early in the mornings. Then as he left this morning packed his gym bag????

I assume he thinks because he's out early and out all day that he shouldn't have to come back all this way and he can just go gym in between work but it's not fair!

I try and walk as much as I can with baby but I just think it's such a joke. I sacrifice so much and he doesn't sacrifice a thing.

If I do bring it up I feel that it will turn into an argument. He has always been like this since the little one was born but i also do kind of get it because we live so far from where we both were from. In rush hour it takes like 1 hour 40 mins to get to our house.

We do eventually want to move but idk what to do. He said oh you'll be able to go gym at the weekend but again it's not fair that he's going every day and I can't because he won't sacrifice!!? I've even tried going on runs with the pram but where we live isn't a nice area and no parks with flat ground to run. I've tried to do some home workouts too but I'm massively into weights.

Any advice welcome :) x

@clbx

I have a wonderful partner - now.

Previous to this I had a selfish arse of a husband who did nothing - to the point his mum paid for her cleaner to clean at our house for a couple of hours a week because she knew her son didn't contribute....

Best thing I ever did was to walk away from him. I deserved better and my son deserved better than the example he was being set!

And if I hadn't walked away, well I wouldn't have what I have now - and that thought upsets me because he's my absolute soulmate!!!

Stick to your guns, know your worth and show your child what healthy relationships look like. I left my ex content that I would rather my son see me happy on my own than unhappy with my ex - and, at that point, meeting someone new was just a "might happen, one day".

Oh wow. Hearing your story helps so much, your situation is similar to mine but you were married.

Im really happy you've found your soulmate now. You're right, I would hate for my little boy to turn out like his father and I don't want to set that example or for him to see me upset anymore.

I have broken up with him anyway, spoke about co-parenting briefly, he was really mad and blamed me for ending the relationship by whinging and I've ruined it because I don't just be quiet oh and that he's going out tonight but whatever. This just proves my point. Normal relationships communicate too. He also refused to contribute to any childcare now. He's gonna be hard to deal with..

I think this chapter is over and it's time for a fresh start. It's been a long time coming but I think I just needed some hope that things get better and being treated how I was wasn't normal.

Thank you so much. X

Me again.

Update, I ended things and he's being horrid.

Anytime I speak to him in regards to me starting work and nursery and his arrangements with our son he's being so unreasonable.

He's meant to have him every Thursday and Sunday from 2 days ago this was arranged.

He said he's not having him today because he's going out (last night) lol and will have him Sunday.

Now I was meant to start work Monday but have had to push this back for a week due to childcare letting me down. But also I rang him to see if he could do an extra day as well as the Thursday because nursery said they don't have the availability and he basically said he doesn't know and he's going away anyway next week for 4 days to turkey with his mate for a holiday and to get his teeth polished (he already has veneers) they were done like 2 years ago lol.

So not only will he not be having our child on the set days he's just fucking off when he feels like it.

Keeps blaming me for the relationship ending and says I'm the one that wants to work and not be with him and wants things to change so it's all my fault. I'm the one starting arguments for no reason, everything was fine before I started for no reason. Reasons for ending are the previous first message and I don't trust him and he doesn't care whether I trust him or not either.

Our son is also ill atm and he doesn't care lol, hasn't asked once and said take him doctors.

What the fuck do I do moving forward?

You make your plans as a single parent so you can do your job (nursery/childminder).
Let him play his silly games - if he sees you managing perfectly well without him, he'll soon realise his games aren't having the effect he wants.

He's doing it in the hope you'll "realise" you need him and go running back. But you don't need him and you've no reason to run back. 😃

It sounds like you're a fantastic mum to your little one and the most important thing is you keep doing this. The fact that you are out of that relationship means you've done your son a world of good already.
As for moving forward, do what you've already been doing. You've obviously not needed him up until this point as he's not been around, and are seemingly doing a great job. Find somewhere close to your work, do not rely on him for childcare, and rise like the strong independent woman you are.
He doesn't deserve you.
His views on relationships are outdated and misogynistic. He wants you to do all the unpaid work so he can live a single lifestyle. Know your worth.

He is a piece of shit and will, moving forward, not do anything to help you. Everything will be on his terms. Move to somewhere conviennent for you.

Interesting you said he’s cheated and won’t add you on insta.
my dad used to ‘work all hours’ ‘go to the gym’ - he’d take a gym bag, but, his gym clothes never got sweaty, never needed washing…..
my mum was convinced he was cheating.
he got into a relationship with a woman who he’d been friends with for years through her husband after the divorce, mum was convinced he was seeing her. He definitely wasn’t going to the gym

I it will get easier once he has calmed down. it wont be like this forever. I divorced my lazy ex husband and my life is soooo much better now. Keep a record of everything, if he refuses to co parent then you can do mediation and then if that doesnt work try family court.

you can do this! It will be messy at first but it gets easier, just get through this tough part.

OP, people can change. My daughter's dad (who I am no longer with) changed drastically, and is now an excellent father, despite being appalling during my pregnancy, and not much better when she was a baby.

My current partner has changed a lot since we have been together, as have I, because we both realised we needed to change and committed to it.

Going further back, my dad changed massively due to his relationship with my mom.

Of course people can change for the better. It would be a depressing and terrible thing if they couldn't.

However they have to really really want to, and understand how to. There does not seem to be any indication that this is the case with your partner?

But if you still have feelings for him, I would give him one chance. I would write down a list of things that you need him to do differently, in order for your life to be tolerably happy. (I say tolerably because it's unreasonable to expect him to make you blissfully happy 24/7 - but what he can do to at least ensure you are coping, not miserable, feel ok and have some time to yourself.

So your list might include:
-Come back in time for me to get to the gym at least twice during the working week, and look after son one morning each weekend so I can go then too.
-Commit to a date night with me every Friday after son is in bed/once a month book a sitter.
-Openness with me on Social Media - add me in Insta so any chats you have with other women are in the open, understanding that I feel insecure about this due to past incidents.

There may be other stuff too - that's just a start. I think the list I gave to my partner had about 20 things on it! But I also wrote a list of things I was committed to changing myself, that I knew caused issues between us. I don't know if that is relevant to you too - I think it is often helpful if both show willingness to change, but you can't just randomly make stuff up if there actually isn't anything you are doing wrong ...

If he is unwilling to act on the things you ask for, make it clear you will leave, and stick to it.

That way, at least you will know you have tried.

Most people will try to change to keep someone they really love, if they fully and clearly understand what is needed.

Good luck.

If you read all of op’s posts and believe op should actually be the one to make all the sacrifices for him, you have very poor boundaries.

Please dont break up a happy home because your partner isnt very maternal. It cannot be undone. But you need some moral support as s parent. Are there any extended family who can help from his or your side. Mothers need supporting. This is the issue. You need a day off. Just to be YOU. Is there a possibbilty to arrange formal childcare so you van have a carefree day, not Working but leisurely TO YOURSELF??????. Nagging isnt going to get you far with the other one.

Dump him. What a twat

FFS. He isnt very ‘maternal’?! He isnt acting like a father. Or like a partner. And You have appalling boundaries.

I'm not sure if you read the post properly?..

I said, I have no family near by and no help he is the only person that can help. His family is out of the question he doesn't speak to them.

Also I'm not breaking up a family it's him. He's the one that is selfish, prioritises his life before me and his son and I do not trust the guy! He does not care about me and he does not care about changing or helping. He's made that perfectly clear.

He can't have a civil conversation, for example. I said the Instagram situation is bothering me why can't you just add me and he's like fuck off not this again and leaves the house & doesn't come back. That isn't normal?

This happens with every single conversation, if he cba coming back to help and would rather stay with his mates and I ask where he is he says I should just leave him to do what he wants and stop controlling him.

He's very misogynistic and thinks this is my job. He doesn't have to be involved unless he feels like it. When we're together I'm on my own from 7 am - 9pm and I'm doing everything and I mean everything.

Like I said he has cheated in the past and said he would add me on Instagram then refused to and turned it into my fault.

This isn't a healthy relationship. I do all I can and the guy doesn't care !!!!

Thank you, I've done this now, I've arranged childcare for 5 days a week, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and saw if he wanted him one day a week in the week and he just said he works too (he can take days off when he feels like it anyway) but then had a go at me for being a bad mum for putting our child into full time nursery..? lol.

I'm just going to have to rise above it. It just gets me so annoyed that he takes days off whenever he feels like it for stuff he wants to do like if he wants to go camping with his mates or just chill at another house he does but won't for our son.

It's also really annoyed me that he's going to turkey next week on the days he's meant to have our son, not even discussed it and is spending god knows how much when he's not helped me with money while I've been a stay at home mum, I've been buying everything and all of our child's clothes, toys etc out of my own savings and he always used to say well he's not doing well and we have to tighten our belt.. so it's so hard not to bite back!!!!

Thank you. My head already feels clearer to be honest!

I will have to write everything down like you said, I mentioned the CSA but he said 'I'd be careful about that if I were you because you're still living under my roof and I can take that away' so I'm scared of involving the government now!

Hey,

Thank you for the response. I agree people can change and I was hopeful but he doesn't care to change and has had too many chances.

So we've been together for 4 years. In the first year he used to go out ALL the time every weekend and I had found out he had cheated in that year (that I know of) he had booked a hotel with a girl. He gave the whole speech of he can change which I believed and he did actually post me on his Instagram story and we did more things with my family. So 2 years in, things were good and I fell pregnant, he was so excited and said he always wanted a family with me. I was unsure due to me being 22 at the time and did not have my career set, he was 29.

So 3 months into the pregnancy, his ex messages me and tells me he's been cheating with her since before I was pregnant. We have a phone call and she also says she was with him for 5 years he cheated 100s times on her and that he was also with her when he was seeing me for a year!!! I'm at my dad's at the time so I leave it for a while. He comes back and says all the crap and I thought maybe he just needs to be a family to change because he says that's all he wants.

I took him away for his bday, I posted a story and pics of him and he didn't repost the story on his instagram and untagged himself from the pics LOL. I've posted him once before and he did that too. Whenever I'd mention it he'd say he doesn't want everyone knowing his business and he's got enemies LOL what. I feel back then I used to take so much shit. Anyway moved in with him, 7 months pregnant. The pattern that I previously mentioned starts, so leaving at 6am coming back maybe 9-10pm. He also stayed out when he wants at another house he owns (I found this out from the ex) and his other friend lives there. I'd complain and he'd say he's working in there and it's easier to sleep there coz it's far. Whatever, I didn't like it but what can I say he accused me of moaning. We argued about this all through pregnancy.

So I have our baby, 5 weeks in my friend sees him on tinder, I confront him and he denies it, I leave back to my dads and remove him from Instagram. Lasted maybe 2 months and he was creeping back the whole time saying he just wants his family. Anyway, ended up doing things as a family, staying once a week, checked his phone etc and was like okay we're going good and moved back in with our son.

Things were going good but again same shit where he'd leave same hours, come back when he wants, me doing everything and he stayed out once a week or something and ring me when he's there with his friend. If I ever complained again he'd just say stop trying to control my life he's not doing anything. Fast forward 6 months he says he's going Ibiza, I wasn't happy as the trust still wasn't there but before he left I said add me on Instagram and he refused to and just left.

When he was in Ibiza I saw from his friends stories they were with girls lol. All through the holiday and then he started following a few of them, which obviously set me off because he can follow random girls while I'm at home with our baby but can't follow his own gf !!? So anyway I saw him dancing with one of the girls on a story so I messaged the girl asked if anything had happened which she said no and promised but just didn't believe it. When he came back didn't see him just told him to leave and he stayed at the other house. At this point my maternity leave was up so I went back to work. He ended up having our boy 2 x week while I was working.

He ended up showing me his phone and there was t anything on there so I was like ok fair enough nothing happened he came back to the flat and this was last year, so I was working, doing everything still while he's doing what he wants, I was doing a 1 hour 40 minute drive to work and an extra 40 mins to drop baby off with family; he didn't help once with this, and refused to pay for childcare because why would you let someone else bring up your child when you're the mum. So yep I couldn't do it anymore because of how far this flat is from my job and all the running round I was exhausted so I ended up quitting work. He told me he would give me £1000 a month to stay off work - never happened..

So same stuff happening, him staying out "working" and just doing what he wants when he wants, and I'd maybe go gym once a week if I'm lucky. Still didn't have each other on social media. I was down with money, he used to just give me money for food shops and said if you can't live off that then idk what's wrong with you you have small bills (my bills come to £450) but he walks around with wads of cash and spends it like it's nothing.

Anyway we go on holiday which I'm grateful for, have a good time get loads of pics but still don't have each other on instagram, met his friends while we were there coz some live there but he just wanted to get drunk with them and would leave me and the baby.

The next month my mum says to come to Spain to see her because she lives there and me and baby went, then I find out he's gone to a festival and on videos he's speaking to girls and then I saw his instagram following go up quite a lot. He's on private so I can't see anything. He rang me on the way back from the festival and said he's on the way home I didn't mention a thing.

I'm back the next day and he's being off. He falls asleep and I decide to check his phone, I find a total of 3 girls he was messaging. For reference I have never checked his phone ever unless he's said I could because he takes it with him everywhere! 2 girls were from the festival I believe and archived on his WhatsApp and another on Instagram that seemed like a family friend. The instagram one knew he had a gf and baby because she was asking to meet him then said 'will ur mrs not mind' to what he responds - it's none of her business what I do, I'm only with her for the child's sake and as long as I don't rub it in her face it's fine. They were sending vns etc and then they were meant to meet but he ignored her message and I couldn't find any other evidence of them meeting, I spent a lot of time looking at this, then went on WhatsApp and on archived were 2 girls, one looked about 19 (he's 33) and was named as bla bla festival and then another girl who he was sending voice notes to. Because he started to stir I didn't listen and ran back in witn the phone. I saw enough with the first girl, the one on Instagram he was messaging just after our first holiday when I thought we were 'good' lol.

Confront him, he blames me for checking his phone and says you've gone and got yourself hurt. Invaded his privacy. I'm awful. And that I knew what he was like when I got with him and blamed me for staying with him while he's done all the other stuff.

Anyway he leaves and comes back a few days later, says he's sorry and he didn't mean it, he's changed because he doesn't go out anymore , with us all the time and he didn't meet any of them and old him would LOLL. So this is like 2 months ago maybe.

Anyway ever since then we've had to live together, so this is where the situation is different. I've been reliant on him for money, nowhere to live and had no job until this week. Things are fine when I shut up, do as he says and let him do what he wants lol.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago and it was actually good, first time without our son, just us 2. Amazing time; his friends wedding. He was all over me, by my side non stop, didn't leave me alone, dancing with me, holding my hand etc. we were even sat on a table with other girls and he just was focused on me. He kept saying how were the best looking couple there and then he ended up wanted to leave because he was getting annoyed with the guys staring at me all the time. We also got loads of pics together.

Anyway, next day I said oh add me on Instagram now; he went yeh yeh will do. We go to the spa, start talking to a guy who was nice and the guy says to me and my partner oh add me on insta when he left he went you're not adding him.

Went back to pick up the baby and I'd sent all the pics of us because he asked for them and I sent him a request. 2 days later he never accepted and his posts went up, which clearly he's posted the wedding lol.

Confronted him on why he's not added me, he said ohhhh I need to think about it, it caused so many issues and you just wanna pre my shit I cba with it and I was like I haven't had you on there for 2 years I don't care unless you're doing something wrong and he was like no it's gonna cause issues I'm not having you on there. Dodgyyyyy. Obvs said I don't trust him as it is and if he has nothing to hide then add me. He's like no stop controlling me, you just want me to do whatever you say etc etc.

So yeah, here we are. So, this is why he won't change. He talks all the talk and can't match it to his actions. I've given him more than plenty of chances and at this point I have absolute mug on my forehead. I'm older now and I've had enough. I deserve someone who's normal and will post me lol. He just wants his cake and to eat it too.

On top of all the above, he also goes gym 7 days a week and doesn't let me go maybe once a week if he feels like it. Cba coming home to help, comes back when it suits him. Says he has all this money but doesn't help me or his son. He leaves 6, comes back 9-10pm if I'm lucky; sometimes doesn't come back and has a go at me for it. Says it's my job to look after our son if I ever say anything. Anytime I try to communicate with him he hangs up, turns his phone off and leaves for days and doesn't bother coming back. When he comes back he says it's basically my way or you fuck off and go find a guy who will do all that then.

This is a long long story but I think it's valid if anyone wants to read.

Also,

Thank you all for being so helpful, listening and for all the advice I've received.

It's helping me so much to move forward and realise the situation I've been in. 💕

He sounds like he is cheating on you tbh.

Probably. 😂
I just don't understand when because whenever he's not here he'll ring me even at like 10pm

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and undervalued, especially when it comes to balancing your personal needs with the demands of parenting and your partner's schedule. It’s crucial to have an open, honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and the need for a more balanced division of responsibilities. You both need to negotiate a fair arrangement that allows you to have time for yourself, including your gym routine. Maybe setting up a regular schedule where you both get some time for self-care and fitness could help. It's important to address these issues collaboratively to avoid resentment and improve your relationship.

It was incredibly long but I dont know what you mean by valid. All the story was, was point after point of what a piece of shit he is. Your life will be better wothout him but you need rock solid boundaries. He will take absolutely no parental responsibility for this child as good parenting isnt selfish. And he is a selfish, self serving crapbag.

it's none of her business what I do, I'm only with her for the child's sake and as long as I don't rub it in her face it's fine.
absolutely no respect for you. He is with you, living with for, for convenience.

What is your career path?

argh sorry didnt mean to quote that message! And now cannot unquote it

Seriously? Youve read all op’s posts and your advice, after all these pages, is she needs to communicate with him better and create a schedule? Your relationship boundaries are on the floor if you think she should even consider keeping this arsehole around

@TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled

I feel like you should be a therapist! 😂
I just didn't know if the others disagreeing would see the post as valid as in understand my situation a bit more.

But I agree, no respect and doesn't care. I've made my decision anyway and he's a waste of space.

My career path was being a personal trainer when I first met him, I qualified but he didn't want me doing that because of men in the gym. But with a child it's also hard to fit in with childcare hours I suppose and scared to go self employed now, I just want to be stable for a while with a stable income for me and my son and get a house.

My new job is a sales and letting negotiator for a great company which is also something I've been interested in and good money, good hours etc. so I'm excited for this 💕 I've just been waiting to get a job to help get me out of this situation, well it's a start anyway!

With him being self employed he can fiddle his income so when child maintenance ask for money it looks like he’s making a loss.

he is controlling you by saying about you living there etc. get yourself into a good position to move out. Are the bills in his name or yours? Get them all in his name as it’s his property.
don’t give him any money for rent etc.

stop washing his clothes or Making meals for him. You aren’t his maid.

it would be a squash but see if you can move in with your dad to get up and running again and into your own place.