Advice for settling baby at dad’s house (co parenting)

[1234preg]

Hi, I have a 6 month old LO who’s starting to spend time at his dads house (working towards spending the weekend every fortnight).
Dad has been very involved and previously spending every other weekend at my house whilst he was so little but now we are trying to move this to his house (2 hours away) and me leave.

LO did the day at his dad’s today but apparently was very unsettled and upset when I left. Obviously that’s heartbreaking for me to hear, but I want them to have a good relationship and quality time.

Does anyone have any advice how to settle him more and work towards these weekends?

going to be honest - very young yet to be split between two homes

can dad not have baby for days?

i am of the belief children should have one fixed residence especially so young. most courts dont go with overnights until 1/2 plus in age for a reason

He can have the baby for days- the only thing is the distance between us of 2 hours it’s a lot of driving for LO in a short space of time.

At the minute we are doing days and working towards it being the weekend when LO is ready, but even today for the day LO was upset and unsettled without me, so looking for some ideas to make it easier for LO

Have a read around infant attachment. Baby is too young to do this, it’s very traumatic. Their brain hasn’t developed to know that people come back, their experience is that the person they depend on for everything has abandoned them. And it’d be a repeat of this every fortnight.

There is conflicting information including scientific studies about the right time to start this, and rest assured we won’t be moving at a pace that doesn’t work for LO, that’s why I’m asking for any ideas of how to settle LO and make it easier.

I’m not sure you can tbh - babies that age tend to have their one secure attachment figure and others are a bit more minor. Also it’s every other weekend?! I mean that’s nearly 10 days in between seeing him, which is huge gap for a small baby, it needs to be way more regular for short periods of time. I would slow it right down, six months is so young to be away from you, especially if dad hasn’t been living there and part of the day to day life. But in terms of spending time and settling baby, this of transitional objects, like your tshirt (worn so it smells like you), singing the same song, etc etc.
its actually good that baby is expressing this as he’s demonstrating attachment to you, as hard as it makes it for you as parents.

Thank you for the suggestions!
I wish it was possible for dad to be in more frequent contact but at the minute it’s not possible, so trying to navigate as best we can

Babies are particularly sensitive to smell. Could you leave a T-shirt that you've worn? Probably won't work if you're BFing though as LO will smell your milk.

It sounds like you have a mature relationship and are both keen for Co parenting to work. This is the main thing. Not the hours spent, or the overnights. At this stage agreeing to do what's best for the baby is key. And it sound slime you're there with this!

You may need to put the brakes on your plan (even when potty training you sometimes have to stop to restart) and slow it down.

Have you ever stayed at baby's dad's house? Because this seems like a sensible idea. You stay with the baby there a good few times. Eventually you'll be able to withdraw.

Are there any constants between the houses?

You'll figure it out. But 6 months seems very, very young.

He is far, far too young for this. It’s an awful idea. Can you rethink?

we won’t be moving at a pace that doesn’t work for LO, that’s why I’m asking for any ideas of how to settle LO and make it easier.

But that's exactly what you're asking for Your baby is way too young for this. It won't get easier till your baby has reached the developmental stage where he is able to feel secure without you for a long period of time. And it ain't gonna be any time soon!

Would you ask for advice on how to get your 6 month old baby to be able to run faster?

Ok @titchy , what would you suggest in terms of contact?
No time alone at dad’s for LO and dad until LO is older?

Well ideally alone time should be a few hours a day, a few days a week. Near you so you can come quickly if dc is distressed.

But I don't know how much of a comfort figure your ex is, or whether he (or you) is able to travel during the week or if moving nearer is possible, whether your baby is happy and secure with him etc.

You know all of those things.

Perhaps your ex can travel to you during the week, see baby for a couple of hours, stay in a hotel, see baby early the next morning, then do the same at the weekend.

But alternate weekends aren't really suitable till he's 18 months at the earliest.

Yes exactly actually. No over nights until much later, preferably when they're verbal.

Sorry but I think you're insane and frankly negligent to be sending such a young baby away from mum every fortnight to a strange house with unfamiliar smells, sights, sounds and people. Of course they're unsettled. They are an infant and they need mum.

I'm shocked you agreed to this in the first place.

As I’ve said above unfortunately more frequent time isn’t an option( dad travels for work), neither is moving at this time as my support network is near me.
I dont think this is going to be a situation which is going to fit in with the ideal scenario but we still have to make the best of it. If you have any other suggestions I’m open to them.

Continue with whatever you're doing now, which I assume is dad travelling to you each weekend and taking baby out (are there any baby classes or swimming or similar he can take him to) or you going out leaving baby with him in your place in familiar surroundings.

Welfare of baby comes before dad's inconvenience I'm afraid.

And the precious post was quite reasonable. Calling people keyboard warriors for pointing out you're prioritising convenience over you child's welfare isn't a good look...

That is not a nice response to someone trying to give you reasonable advice. I didn't think family court judges allowed overnights to a non resident parent until a baby is 2yrs old precisely because they cannot cope without their mother. You have another 18 months to go.

Calling me a negligent mother is not reasonable. All I am asking for is advice on how to do this with my babies welfare in mind hence settling him more and wanting the best relationship between LO and dad.

It was completely twisting my post which quite clearly states we are working TOWARD a weekend and that he had spent a day today. He was hardly surrounded unfamiliar people, and babies the same age and younger in other countries spend the same amount of time that LO spent (with his very capable and caring)father in nursery in a daily basis.

You don’t know anything about my mothering skills

Your baby is too young for this so nothing will make it easier for them. So far no one has disagreed on that.

Were I in your position I would have go to Dad’s with baby and stay there myself to familiarise them with the surroundings and be on hand if they became distressed. I definitely wouldn’t leave them.

If your baby is distressed you need to be lead by that.

But they are right.

it’s not ideal for you both but if you want the best for your baby’s development then no, they won’t be doing this until they’re at least 18 months. It’s worth it though, as you are far more likely to end up with a securely attached, confident child who has been given the groundwork to be happy in the care of both parents.

I agree with PP, y montsh is far too young to be doing this

This x100. That poor kid.

sorry, but a two hour travel time is nothing, and you both need to be doing it regularly. he drives to you, and spends time with the baby there, and maybe stays overnight. you travel to him, and spend time with the baby there. You are travelling with a baby, so a train might be more appropriate than a long drive, but either works.

Day visits with the two hours travelling are what is fair for now

Your baby is a baby. He's too young to understand what you are trying to do. His world is very small. All he knows is that you are his safety and comfort, so when you are not there, he doesn't feel safe. That is damaging for a developing baby. At that age, he needs to feel safe and secure. Even babies who spend all day in nursery sleep in their own bed at night after being settled by their safe people.

His father should be spending time with him in the baby's comfort zone. If that is not possible, then this "staying at dad's house" needs to wait until he's old enough to process being away from home. Overnights away at this stage is just too much.