Advice for settling baby at dad’s house (co parenting)

[1234preg]

Hi, I have a 6 month old LO who’s starting to spend time at his dads house (working towards spending the weekend every fortnight).
Dad has been very involved and previously spending every other weekend at my house whilst he was so little but now we are trying to move this to his house (2 hours away) and me leave.

LO did the day at his dad’s today but apparently was very unsettled and upset when I left. Obviously that’s heartbreaking for me to hear, but I want them to have a good relationship and quality time.

Does anyone have any advice how to settle him more and work towards these weekends?

Your ex needs to carry on seeing LO at your house or in the local surroundings for at least another 6 months, and probably more.

You seem to have an amicable relationship so between you, you need to make it work, perhaps meeting half way sometimes to ease the travel overhead.

I think maybe staying with you LO when at dad’s house, until the surroundings are much more familiar may help? Then build up to leaving them alone for an hour, increasing that time gradually. I left our children with their dad from around six weeks old. The difference with our situations is that my partner/ their dad has always been present, we live together and that is an important factor. It will take longer for you all to get there because dad isn’t a constant presence. 1 day out of 14 isn’t a lot to work with so it will take time.

babies the same age and younger in other countries spend the same amount of time that LO spent (with his very capable and caring)father in nursery in a daily basis.

But that's just the point isn't it, they go to nursery on a daily basis, not 2 days in every 14 days. The caregivers at nursery are then a constant and a familiar. Plus they go home to their primary caregiver and own bed at the end of each day.

You've asked for advice on how to do this and repeatedly been told that you can't do this for a good while yet; but don't seem to accept that?

If you really really want joint custody at this stage somebody needs to move closer to the other, so it can be done in much smaller and much more regular blocks of time.

Everything you are being told about your baby being far too young is correct. Presumably you want to put your baby's well being first?

So you're prioritising your ex, not your baby? He should continue driving 2 hours to your place to be with your baby. If he doesn't want this, then he needs to move closer and find a job that doesn't involve travelling. Please don't move away from your support network and please don't allow these overnight visits. I would hate to be hours away from my baby.

Definitely too early but the groundwork should start.

One way is the exact same routine,babies thrive off a routine.

Example 6.30pm porridge,6.45pm nursery rhymes,7pm into bath,7.15pm out of bath,lullabies on,dress baby into nightwear and give bottle on knee,put down once sleeping.

Was an alexa,phone anything
Play the exact same music,same nursery rhymes,same lullabies etc. Baby will learn what's coming next,music is a good association. Potentially a comforter in bed have dad come to yours and do routine loads of times before going to his

im sorry OP, this must be so hard. Obviously you want the best for your child. I hope you find a good solution.

edited because I’d suggested a few things that I’ve just seen you have already said are not possible at the moment.

No need to be so rude to this poster just because you didn’t like the entirely correct advice they are giving you, OP. You simply have to put the baby’s needs first in this situation.

Exactly. Baby needs to take precedence, not the lifestyle choices of the parents. Parents need to do whatever it takes, convenient or not, to stop treating baby like a piece of luggage to be hauled forth and back.

So sad for the poor child.

I’m not discarding everyone’s opinions on this what I was calling out as bad was naming me negligent.

They are too young for overnight and weekend visits. It's just the way it is for small babies to be away from their main caregiver. I would suggest keeping the day arrangements, meet half way (?) to make it easier on baby.

Is there anyway the father will be able to move closer? Living 2 hours away is really not conducive to a good co-parenting of a baby/child.

It sounds like you’re doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. I think you and baby’s dad probably need to think about two weeks being 1/13th of the child’s life so far and that baby is being really clever from an evolutionary perspective - stay close to the person who smells like mummy, who sounds like mummy and who gives me milk - that’s how they stay alive! Can baby go for shorter periods? Also maybe record your singing? Can baby see you and dad interacting positively so they get the sense you see this person as safe too? Good luck! X

Not a great idea. Not good for baby, not good for anyone really.

I agree with you. Some of the posts here are not really ‘advice’, they are attacks.

I split from ExH when my baby was 10 months and we did shared care straight away. The key for us was being consistent - this helped DS to settle.

btw, DS is now an adult and has a fab relationship with us both. He is well adjusted and hasn’t suffered from the arrangement.

I think you need to spend a week where your a baby sees their DF every day for a short period of time first with you then without you. Perhaps he has. Week off work to facilitate this.

Lots of people and cultures hand baby over to grandparents for nights at a very early age and it doesn't seem to be considered as developmentally damaging.
Surely the goal is that the babies Dads house isn't a strange environment with new smells etc.

OP I think the suggestion if it's possible for you to stay with your baby at the Dads for a bit a few times first might be helpful.

Thank you for everyone that has given balanced views and advice I appreciate them

I think 6 months is too young. Also at around 8 months there's usually peak separation anxiety - my DS went through this terribly when I left the room and he was with his dad whom he lived with!

It's great that you have a healthy co parenting relationship and his dad wants to be really involved but it's too soon for leaving him I think.

He doesn't need to be at his dad's over night at this age. Regular visits and days out are fine.

Realistically, if dad wants to be involved as a parent, he needs to move closer. At 6 months, babies are mostly just little lumps that are held and poo. But eventually, they become children with friends, birthday parties, sports activities, a sense of home and familiarity with where they live. The parent who lives far away will never fit into that as a real parent if they aren’t active and present in their daily life.

2 hours would not keep most people from their children. Hell, I used to commute 3 hours to work 3 days a week (6 hours a day), so I could be home every night to put my dc to bed when they were only a little bit older than that. No way would I live 2 hours from them just for convenience sake and only see them every 2 weeks.

That actually isn't true.

It's 12 months.

I think you are a little bit ahead of what you little one can manage. At 6 months even though dad was in our house I couldn't live my daughter with him for any length of time.
At 10 months I went into hospital and she had to go home to dad two nights a week. The first week he struggled with her but coped after that it was a lot easier. I think I would be building up time with dad when you aren't there. Moving towards most of a day at 9 months and an overnight between 9 and 12 months.
It's not nice to hear but if baby has time unhappy with dad whilst they both learn how to sooth baby and be soothed by dad. They will be ok. Completely distraught for a prolonged time is a different matter. But generally a bit unhappy and dad not quite getting it right but having the space to try again and do a little better is just the learning curve of being a parent to a baby. I had a high needs baby who spent most days and the majority of the day unhappy and it's me and dad that have suffered from from this. I recently had counselling to process this time. My daughter is a superstar and takes everything in her stride you never know she spent all day every screaming!

I stand corrected. In which case OP still has 6 months to go. No?