School mum drama??

[Evans4061]

Sorry a long one and I already know what to do but I’m just perplexed at people’s behaviour!

A few weeks ago my DD 6 was involved in an incident at school where she allegedly pulled out another girls hair whilst playing a game. Another girl was involved too. We talked about it and she insisted she wasn’t being nasty etc but we still did the kindness chat and I reached out to the other parent of the girl (who was always quite friendly with me) to apologise and tell her we’d spoken about it.

Said parent wanted to discuss further so we met at school pick up. It was all very odd as she was clearly upset and the incident was made out to be a much bigger deal than I was told by school. I explained that school hadn’t communicated this to me when we had spoken so I said I’ll go in to see the class teacher to clarify.
As expected there are no concerns and it’s been dealt with so I again messaged the mum and told her and again apologised. She seemed fine and said thank you etc and hopefully we can move on. Very dramatic but I kind of get it…

Since then this mum has gone out of her way to ignore me- walking away on the playground at pick up to avoid me and at a class party this week I went over to say hi- I don’t do awkward or hold on to things. She clearly didn’t want to speak to me and swiftly picked up her drink and moved away!
I just find the whole thing bizarre?! I am not bothered by it but we have another 5 school years where our paths will undoubtedly cross and like I said I don’t do awkward- it’s too much hassle! I won’t be approaching her again as it’s getting embarrassing now and I know it’s probably a ‘her’ problem and could be nothing to do with me. Just find it so bizarre. I don’t have the time or energy to be actively avoiding anyone. Thoughts people?
Thanks in advance

(Edit added by MNHQ at request of OP)
'pulled hair out' means took bobbles out not ripped actual hair- I think it's a regional saying that hasn't translated well. Also daughter tells me she asked to take friends hair out in a game they were playing.

Well it's the summer holidays now (or imminently will be) and she'll have six weeks to find other things to make a drama about, hopefully by September she'll have moved on and be in a vendetta with a local coffee shop barista who spelled her name wrong or another parent at a playground who didn't stop their child hogging the swings or something.

It sounds like she doesn't want to be friendly towards you because of the hair pulling incident by your dd. Such things happen. I found I couldn't be friends with women whose children bullied mine - it's not exactly that unusual.

Your child pulled her child’s hair out and you had a “kindness chat”.

Shes avoiding you, it’s not the end of the world. Stop seeking her out deliberately to say “hi” to. Your child will probably also find that her child avoids her too.

Just because your child and the school didn’t feel it was a big issue doesn’t mean that her daughter feels the same. If the child believes she was bullied or feels threatened by your DD then it may have caused issues at home and your attempts to minimise it then mean you are a person she would prefer to ignore. And she hasn’t done anything to upset you, just made it clear she doesn’t want to engage with you. And that’s her right.

Your child pulled her child's hair out. I would be fuming. She's probably moving away from you to restrain her from pulling your hair out. You going over to breezily say hi like nothing happened is minimising something that would have been really upsetting for her.
The truth is in time over 5 years if no other incidents happen the awkwardness will likely lift. In the mean time keep out of her way.

A girl pulled my hair out when I was small and I still remember the pain and horror of it 35 years later. I think you are minimising how much this has impacted the little girl .

Are you serious??? The kids are 5 years old.

Your kid pulled her kids hair out, you minimised it, she has now made it clear she doesn't want to talk and you keep making a beeline for her to try and force her into talking to you.

I think you're the drama here, not the woman who just can't be arsed with you.

Just leave her alone.

Yes I'm serious. What part is confusing you?

Just to be clear I'm reading pulled her hair out as in it was ina ponytail and she pulled it out of its bobble.

Not pulled hair out of the girls head.

A one-off incident with no back story. Yes she is being dramatic I'd just ignore and keep Herat a distance even if she does warm back up.

@ilovelamp82 the part that is confusing me is that we are grown ups so obviously should have an understanding that 5 year olds make mistakes and are learning.
Instead of showing your child that holding a grudge is acceptable and that you want to go a pull another adults hair out (seriously grow up) why don't you show your child how to resolve things in a nice manner.

If you want the awkwardness to blow over I would try validating her a bit more. From her perspective, when you checked with the teacher then messaged her again to say teacher confirmed it was no big deal- that probably came across as minimising. Not saying you were wrong as you were just stating the facts as you were given them. But of course this type of situation is no big deal to teachers but it feels like a big deal when it's your precious baby and they say they were hurt and they're upset (even if in the grand scheme of things they are fine/not actually properly hurt as per the teacher's objective assessment!) You could say something like "sorry if my message came across as minimising, just to clarify I've had a serious talk with my dd about this and we're taking it very seriously, im so sorry it happened" etc. That should mollify her and dissolve any lingering awkwardness.

She hasn't got over it, and probably needs time. It is very upsetting to have this happen, especially if she is new to the school experience.

In September continue to be polite and kind. What happened wasn't very nice op, and I think you need to be respectful of her feelings.

I hope your child has written an apology card or drawn a picture. I have included a small gift in the past. You are going to be with these people for a very very long time, it pays to do all you can to fix this...

allegedly pulled out another girls hair whilst playing a game. Another girl was involved too

It says your dd pulled out hair (which sounds painful)
And the additional child being involved as well indicates bullying.

Honestly I think you are minimising and downplaying too much. Your dd is never going to say she did this deliberately. You need to take this very seriously or you will have a class bully on your hands and no one will want to be friends with her.

It sounds like your approach has been to minimise and move on as quickly as possible, even using the word allegedly when you know your dd did do this. The other mother is upset because you are making it sound like kids will be kids, but that is not the case here in my view. This behaviour will need stamping out beyond a kindness chat.

Don't be so ridiculous. I don't believe that grown adults should pull each other's hair out over any situation. That's the kind of behaviour you expect in prison, not the playground. I do believe that if the mother of the child that ripped hair out of my childs head and kept minimising the situation I would think 'well how would you like it? ' but obviously in reality I'd do what the mother in question did and move away. Perfectly reasonable. I can assure you, I am a kind person. As are my children. Luckily I have never been in a situation like this. Pulling a childs hair out of their head I would say is pretty extreme and the mother is quite within her rights to move away. And the Op should leave her alone.
And for the record I would never encourage a child to hold a grudge. What a strange thing to say. I would keep one eye on the hair pulling child though to make sure there's no more incidents. Learning that your 6 year old has been assaulted in such a way when you're not there to protect them is heartbreaking. She's entitled to be anxious for a while.

And you dd bullying another child and pulling out her hair is not 'school mum drama' I think your title says it all op....

Pulled her hair band out or pulled actual hair out?

This

Yoi need to clarify, pulled or pulled OUT?

I wondered the same, I assumed pulled the bobble out of her ponytail rather than pulling actual hair out, which presumably would be taken much more seriously.

How have people made this into a bullying incident? Parents throw that word around far too easily and therefore situations blow up disproportionately.

As far as the OP has explained, it was a one off incident. Unpleasant and unkind, yes. Bullying, no. The op has spoken to her daughter after clarifying how serious the incident was with the teacher, which again sounds like the teacher was not particularly concerned that there was something more going on. The op has also apologised to the parent on behalf of her daughter. What more do people want?! Of course it’s not ok but it sounds like it’s been dealt with sufficiently.

OP, the parent is overreacting. Steer well clear.

Look, I must admit I avoid parents of kids who put their hands on mine. Easier for everyone. They might think I am precious and I would rather not be around wild//mean kids. What I won't do is fake bright and breezy. I would not be rude and obviously would reciprocate hello etc. But I have zero interest in fake chit chat.

What actually happened?

-Accidentally pulled her hair?
-Deliberately pulled her hair?
-Accidentally pulled some of her hair out? - ie pulled a section of hair off her head! (Although I don't know how that much force could be an accident).
-Deliberately pulled some of her hair out?

If your daughter has deliberately hurt this girl then you are minimising your daughter's behaviour. Breezily brushing over it isn't enough. Your daughter has behaved badly.

If it was an accident then an apology was still needed but it's a lot different than deliberate bullying.

OP you are saying a lot about how the other mum is reacting but not much about what your daughter actually did. I think that might explain some of the issues.

The parent might disagree though, which is entirely her prerogative. It is rude of the OP to centre herself and demand the incident is in the past. It might be for her but clearly not for the other parent. It is what it is. Perhaps the summer hols will soften it, maybe not.