School mum drama??

[Evans4061]

Sorry a long one and I already know what to do but I’m just perplexed at people’s behaviour!

A few weeks ago my DD 6 was involved in an incident at school where she allegedly pulled out another girls hair whilst playing a game. Another girl was involved too. We talked about it and she insisted she wasn’t being nasty etc but we still did the kindness chat and I reached out to the other parent of the girl (who was always quite friendly with me) to apologise and tell her we’d spoken about it.

Said parent wanted to discuss further so we met at school pick up. It was all very odd as she was clearly upset and the incident was made out to be a much bigger deal than I was told by school. I explained that school hadn’t communicated this to me when we had spoken so I said I’ll go in to see the class teacher to clarify.
As expected there are no concerns and it’s been dealt with so I again messaged the mum and told her and again apologised. She seemed fine and said thank you etc and hopefully we can move on. Very dramatic but I kind of get it…

Since then this mum has gone out of her way to ignore me- walking away on the playground at pick up to avoid me and at a class party this week I went over to say hi- I don’t do awkward or hold on to things. She clearly didn’t want to speak to me and swiftly picked up her drink and moved away!
I just find the whole thing bizarre?! I am not bothered by it but we have another 5 school years where our paths will undoubtedly cross and like I said I don’t do awkward- it’s too much hassle! I won’t be approaching her again as it’s getting embarrassing now and I know it’s probably a ‘her’ problem and could be nothing to do with me. Just find it so bizarre. I don’t have the time or energy to be actively avoiding anyone. Thoughts people?
Thanks in advance

(Edit added by MNHQ at request of OP)
'pulled hair out' means took bobbles out not ripped actual hair- I think it's a regional saying that hasn't translated well. Also daughter tells me she asked to take friends hair out in a game they were playing.

Lord. Its SO bleeding OTT these days! Can't believe PP said other mum had to restrain herself from pulling her hair out. What a joke!!

You DD messed up. You spoke to her. Contacted the other Mum. Said sorry. Other Mum wanted to speak further. You did. She expressed greater concern. You went to teacher and then messaged other Mum again.

Then you have tried to show youre open to being friendly still. I think thus fair you have acted perfectly. Shown DD actions cause damage and ned rectifying etc.

Other Mum has chosen to not engage. She may have her reasons but I find it silly as itll be awkward and kids make mistakes etc.

It takes quite a big pull on hair for it to actually come out. I think yiour daughter needs a bit more than the 'kindness chat', after which let it die down and leave the other child's mother to get over it. I wouldn't have liked someone pulling my child's hair out, nor would I have been happy had he done it to anyone else.

However this will pass and if your daughter is spoken to seriously, with maybe some temporary restrictions, it won't happen again.

Agreed. Op I find you're downplaying what happened, in relation to how you have approached this with your child. A kindness chat is for snatching a toy, not physically pulling somebody's hair out! You need to set clear boundaries with your dd! Is there anything else going on at home, for her to do this? Any recent changes? I know kids make mistakes, but this is a violent act, and these things can easily escalate, if the cause isn't addressed.

These responses always crack me up - the horror that a 5 year old could do something so untoward!!

A 5 year old accidently during a game pulled another child's hair and some of it may or may not have come out. Either way, while it was undoubtedly painful for the "victim" it doesn't sound like a case of bullying but perhaps a game taken too far by two or more 5 year olds, which in my experience happens! It was an accident, the child was 5, the mother apologised to the other mother and spoke to her child. These things happen!

Allegedly says it all.

Your child should not have put her hands on another. She can say it wasn’t nasty but quite simply it was.

It sounds like you’re being really dismissive. I’m not saying it’s horrific but it’s not nothing.

Accidently? I thought it was deliberate, otherwise why would "a kindness chat" be required? How do you accidently yank somebody's hair out?

All the people saying it's "bullying" - as far as the op has made out, it's a one off albeit, unpleasant incident. Bullying is continued and targeted.

She's apologised to the other mum and followed it up with the teacher who said it was all fine and nothing to worry about. What more can she actually do?

5 year olds make mistakes and are still learning what the boundaries are. I don't think it's fair to label her a bully at this point.

Some of the responses here are so OTT.

Wow quite a lot of response on this.
some answers to the questions-

1. My DD was playing a game and asked friend if she could take her hair out. DD says her friend agreed. She then removed her bobbles and ruffled her hair to practise a hairstyle. I’ve been over this with her several times and have taken it very seriously. The amount of times I’ve asked her to tell me exactly what happened is insane.
2. Another child had then run off with bobbles and hid them- this is unkind. Hence the kindness chat. I am mortified with my DD involvement and made this clear to mum on several occasions.
3. no ripping or pulling at all.
4. asked mum if child was ok and she said she was and wasn’t distressed.
5. I specifically asked the teacher if my DD was malicious as this was communicated to other parent. Maybe they meant other child not my DD???
6. I am a primary school teacher and take things very seriously as I do in my job.
7. not minimising incident or mums reaction just thought things had been resolved and was confused about ongoing awkwardness
8. ill prob stay clear and not ‘force myself’ on anyone no problem

Most responses assumed your DD pulled hair out of her head, not undid a ponytail.

Give her time, don't go over talking about it again. You essentially put her in the position where she would feel pressured to agreeing it wasn't a big deal, then got the teacher on your side and contacted her again to try again. She clearly doesn't want to talk to you about it, leave her alone.

The pestering her for absolution and trying to prove to her you are a good parent is causing this, not your DD styling her DDs hair. It'll be forgotten after the summer.

I can see how my OP came across and the incident wasn’t pulling out another child’s hair gosh if it was I’d have reacted completely differently.

not pestering the mum at all just on one occasion a month after this happened I said hello as we were in the same place at the same time.

Taking out a ponytail after asking and as part of play - your DD has done nothing wrong. This is perfectly normal play.

That's very different from the hair pulling scenario the original post gave the impression of.

The other girl wasn't very nice hiding the bobbles but your DD didn't do that.

The other mum is reacting a bit oddly. Probably best to just give her some space.

There we go then, your daughter has done nothing wrong.

Some parents and people on here seem to forget that young children get things wrong sometimes. These children are 5! And that’s absolutely not me saying that 5 year olds can’t be nasty/bully-they can, but overreacting in this way is ridiculous.

School’s and parent’s jobs are to correct this behaviour. People should’ve trusted that the teacher had a good overview of the situation and dealt with it appropriately-which she did.

Wow, so she only took out her hair bobbles and not her actual hair! Sorry, I change my response, the mum is massively overreacting.

Yes children make mistakes and need to learn.

But parents whose children have been hurt or upset by another child just might not feel like acting pally with said child's parent. It's not drama or hysterics, just perfectly understandable staying away.

What a load of drama over nothing!!
I would be having a word with the mother and telling her to wind her neck in. She is probably one of those parents that will complain about evey single slight aberration. The teachers and other parents will get the measure of her eventually

I absolutely agree, had her child actually been hurt intentionally. It doesn’t sound as though this was the case though.

I think it's a regional thing. I read 'pulling her hair out' as removing bobbles but a lot of people seem to have taken it as ripped hair from the girls head. Which is very different!

Also agree mum is over reacting. Just out of interest is she also shunning the parents of the girl who hid the bobbles?

I get it, hair was not pulled out. I'm sorry I thought it was but you did say she pulled out another girl's hair.

It sounds like something and nothing, frankly.

The other mum needs to get over it. Nobody was hurt.

Boys are far worse, I can assure you.

Yes it totally must be a regional thing 🙈 I didn’t understand why I was getting so many emotionally charged responses but after I reread was like… oh of course! No one was hurt at all. I think the school has mainly caused this as the messages given to us were both quite different?? That’s why I went in to clarify as if my DD has been completely out of line rest assured she would have been spoken to and privileges taken away immediately. School teacher mum in full
mode!

in terms of the other parent- she mentioned in our convo that she hadn’t heard anything from her and appreciated me messaging her. I assume she will be shunned too but I don’t think they ever spoke any way so no skin off her nose.
hoping I can stop thinking about it now and move on ☺️

Well that changes things!

So your dd just took out a bobble to play a hair styling game, as is normal for this age group and the mother is making a huge scene over that? Hiding the bobbles is hardly crime of the century either, and just sounds playful.

I would not engage with this at all, and would assume the other mother has some kind of MH issue or attachment issues if she is reacting so adversely to what is ultimately normal child behaviour.

I would go one step further and ask your dd to probably avoid them. They are going to be THAT family aren't they, and this is a storm in the teacup. How will they cope with the many years of truly challenging incidents in the future.

I would keep my distance!! Yes and reassure dd it is perfectly fine and she did nothing wrong.

Why has school even mentioned this to you as it sounds a bit over the top?!! Gosh people are so pathetic getting worked up and the mother sounds ridiculous!

Completely understand why you’re second guessing yourself BUT you’ve talked about it with your dd, you’ve thought about it, talked about it with the school and the mum, and you are content with your approach. Trust your gut. This woman’s reaction is not in your control.

Your daughter was horrible to her daughter by pulling her hair out and you had "a kindness chat" I'd be avoiding you as well and I'd be keeping my daughter away from yours.

These children are so young I think this Mum needs to get over it. She’s got the moral high ground so I would leave her be but in all truth I hope her little darling continues to be an angel as it’s all too easy to judge parents for actions that are beyond their control. If she can’t cope with this then she will have a shock as school goes on. A child broke my son’s glasses and I never even got an apology and neither did my son from the child who did it and it wasn’t accidental. Stuff happens.

I mean, you could just ignore things now and accept the awkwardness for the next 5 years or so if that’s how you feel about the mum’s reaction.

OR, if you care, you need to go back to what that mum told you had happened. You said she made it sound worse than the school had told you? What does she believe had happened? That’s what she’s upset about, not the school’s version of events.
Then address that story, properly.

Good luck. 5 years of school gates is long enough. When there’s ’ag’ as well, it’ll feel like a lifetime!